Happiness and Integrity

Reflection: it is difficult to experience true happiness when one does not live in integrity.

You can experience pleasure, yes.  But true happiness, as it is related to meaning and engagement with life, is difficult to achieve and impossible to hold when one is out of integrity.

The word Integrity comes from the Latin, “integritas” and “integra” meaning whole, complete, one.  Why is it so important to the experience of Happiness? Because seeking true happiness while out being out of integrity is like building a house without a foundation.  It may look nice for short time, but because it’s got a weak base it will quickly fall apart.

What is Integrity?

Integrity is… The ability to notice the difference between the truth you know and the truth you live.

Integrity is… What you do when nobody’s watching.

Integrity is… When ethics, honesty, and consistency all collide in one place: you.

Integrity is…. When Think = Say = Do

Integrity is… The quality or state of being entire or complete; wholeness

Integrity is… A very nice balance of self respect and confidence

Integrity is… Being consistent with one’s values or belief system

Reflection for you: picture three interlocking circles: What you Think, What you Say, and What you Do.  The place where those three circles interect in the middle — that is integrity.  And if there is any discrepancy between the three, the circles will NOT intersect — there will be a gap.  Consider where your thinking, speaking, and behavior are out of line. What might you shift so that you are consistent?

Notice how happiness becomes more available to you when you pay attention.

Happiness is Winning an Oscar!

I watched the Academy Awards on Sunday nite and was, of course, THRILLED when Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture.  I loved the book (Q&A) and I wrote two posts about the movie back in December when I first saw it.

I had to stay up past my bedtime to watch them open the envelope , and I was happy to have lost the sleep.  When the movie was announced, pandemonium broke out in the corner of the Kodak theatre where the Slumdog cheering section was located.  The producer, so excited about the film’s nomination, had flown the entire cast from India to Hollywood for the event.

And why not?  At one point no studio wanted to pick up the movie, so it almost went straight to DVD.  This was a low-budget film cast with unknown actors and with a crew of indie film folks from England, India, and Australia.  No one associated with the film had “credentials” outside of the Producer and Director (both past Oscar winners).  So for most of them, this was a first (and probably once) in a lifetime thrill.

They all crowded onto the stage for the acceptance speech, and their excitement was infectious.

A.R. Rahman, who 15 minutes earlier had won Oscars for best score and best song, said the movie — set in the squalor of Mumbai’s slums — was about hope and optimism.  I thought he had one of the best lines of the evening, when he said, “All my life, I’ve had a choice of hate and love.  I chose love, and I’m here.”

In turbulent times like we live in today, movies remind us that people can experience horrible things and still endure, that underdogs sometimes do win, and that happy endings are still possible. 

Waking Up Happy

I woke up early this morning — unusual for me — and was unable to go back to sleep.  By the time my alarm went off I was wide awake and eager to meet the day.

I got out of bed filled with an excitement and sense of optimism.  I don’t know where that came from, or why.   And I have no idea where it will lead me today.  Yet I am grateful.  I know that whatever happens for me today will be far better and more fun than if I awoke feeling crabby!

Do you ever have days like this?  Where you wake up and know — just KNOW — that you’re going to have a fabulous day?

Stand Tall. Breathe Deeply.  Smile Often.

There Are Other Places To Sing

A reader sent me this story as a response my post on Saying Goodbye.  I teared up as I read it, and now pass it along to you.  My Aunt Corrine passed on last Friday evening — she’s now singing in a different place.

I hope you enjoy it.

THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was ‘Information Please’ and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my Mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the Parlor and dragged it to the landing climbing up; I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. ‘Information, please,’ I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

‘Information.’

‘I hurt my finger,’ I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

‘Isn’t your mother home?’ came the question.

‘Nobody’s home but me,’ I blubbered.

‘Are you bleeding?’ the voice asked. ‘No,’ I replied. ‘I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.’ ‘Can you open the icebox?’ she asked.

I said I could.

‘Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,’ said the voice.

After that, I called ‘Information Please’ for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where  Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, ‘Information Please,’ and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, ‘Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring Joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?’

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ‘ Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.’

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, ‘Information Please.’ ‘Information,’ said in the now familiar voice. ‘How do I spell fix?’ I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to  Boston . I missed my friend very much. ‘Information Please’ belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in  Seattle  I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, ‘Information Please.’

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. ‘Information.’

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, ‘Could you please tell me how to spell fix?’

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, ‘I guess your finger must have healed by now.’

I laughed, ‘So it’s really you,’ I said. ‘I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?’

‘I wonder,’ she said, ‘if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.’

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

‘Please do,’ she said. ‘Just ask for Sally.’ Three months later I was back in  Seattle  a different voice answered:  Information.’ I asked for Sally.

‘Are you a friend?’ she said.

‘Yes, a very old friend,’ I answered.

‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this,’ she said. ‘Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.’

Before I could hang up she said, ‘Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?’ ‘Yes.’ I answered.

‘Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.’ The note said, ‘Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.’

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did….

Lifting you on eagle’s wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey … NOT a guided tour. So don’t miss the ride and have a great time going around.  You don’t get a second shot at it.

Namaste,  Jim

We Might As Well Dance

Someone sent me this lovely poem and I so want to pass it on.  A fabulous Thought for the Day:

Life is short.
Break the rules.  Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly.  Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here,
we might as well…
Dance!!

I’ve never seen this one before, although it seems to be posted all over the Internet.  I could not find an original source, and so print it here w/o attribution.

If this put a smile on your face, then I’ve added value in the world today

Saying Goodbye is part of life

My dear Aunt Corrine (my Mom’s only sibling) was diagnosed w/ a brain cancer in Feb 2007, and had endured many ordeals since.  Throughout the battle w/ cancer, the family insisted she remain in her home, and they marshalled family and friends for around the clock care for two whole years.

Aunt Corrine proved VERY strong.  She made it through another two Easters (her favorite holiday), several family weddings, and made it to her own 50th wedding anniversary.

Today, we received the following update from my cousin:

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been quite awhile since I last updated you on Mom’s condition.  The reason being is that her condition had stayed the same for many months.  However, it is with a heavy heart that I need to let you know that Mom’s condition has changed dramatically over the course of the last few weeks.  Mom has started to not eat much, if at all, nor drink.  This is causing her to become very weak.

Mom has put up a very tough fight.  She had a diagnosis that gave her 6 months to live, and here we are 2 years later, almost to the day.

As a family, we have decided to have Mom moved up to the Hospice House.  We want to make sure that Mom is being monitored at all times, so that when the time comes, we can ensure that we will all be with her.

Our family asks that you continue with the prayers that you have so generously offered up for us.  However, now we ask that you pray that Mom has the courage to let go, and that we as a family have the strength to say good-bye.

Thank you for all of your continued support and prayer over the course of the last two years.  There are not enough words to let you know how much it has truly meant to each and every one of us..

Love you all,
The Fitzgerald’s
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having experienced several drawn-out illnesses within my own immediate family, I totally get what Sharon has asked for: that Mom has the courage to let go, and that we as a family have the strength to say good-bye

I hope we all have the strength to say good bye.  But you know, death is part of life.  and I know that at her funeral, we will focus less on her death than on the life she led: a life filled with heartache, sacrifice, hard work… AND many moments of joy, gratitude, and happiness.

What’s the Best Piece of Advice You Ever Got?

“What’s the best piece of advice you ever received?”  A TV interviewer asked this of her guest recently, and that question got me thinking about how I’d respond.

My mother always used to say, “if you love what you do, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” It took me a couple decades to figure out exactly what that advice meant for me, but since I figured it out my stress levels dropped permanently.  Today, the twin passions of helping leaders grow and creating more happiness in the world are at the core of everything I do, and the more true I am to those passions, the less what I do feels like work.

Another piece of advice that changed my life came from a woman who was my mentor for many years.  Tiona said, “you can’t change other people; you can only change how you respond to them.” This advice helped me become a much better leader during my corporate career, and has helped me tremendously in my career as a coach.

What’s the best piece of advice you ever got?

Happiness is a Warm Towel

My wife and I recently completed a “remodel on a budget” on our bathroom.  With minimal investment — new towel holders, a couple of shelves, a new rug, and some spray paint — we converted from a blue & mauve color scheme to a bold purple & white, which was a pretty dramatic transformation.

But by far the best part was that we hung a towel rack and clothes hook in a new position on the wall just above the electric baseboard heater.

Yesterday morning I popped outside to clear off the cars and shovel the driveway.  In moments, I was frozen to the core; it was -5 (that’s 5 degrees BELOW zero!), and that cold got into my bones.  I shivered my way into the shower and when I came out I grabbed my towel — my WARM towel.

It felt SOOOO good!

Then I took down the WARM slacks and WARM shirt from their hangers on the wall and slipped into them.

Ahhhhh!

I experienced a rare moment of sensory pleasure.  Pure pleasure, happiness in cotton.

Happiness is, truly, a warm towel!

“Too Much” Dark Chocolate? Impossible!

“Do you really need that?” my wife asked as I dropped a dark chocolate bar into the grocery cart.

“One can never have too much dark chocolate,” I countered.  She gave me a look…. “I think you have an ample supply,” she offered, grimly.  Hmmm.

Curious, I set out to learn just how much chocolate I possess right now.  Here is my inventory.

In the refrigerator:

• 3 bottles of Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino
• 3 of Dark Chocolate Raspberry Frappuccino  (well, as long as I’m here…make that 2)
• 2 bottles Brooklyn Brewery Black Chocolate Stout (excellent when served with.. Dark Chocolate!)

In the freezer:

• 1 remaining sleeve of Thin Mints Girl Scout Cookies (I freeze them so they last all year — I should finish these just about the time the 2009 cookie sale commences!)

On the counter in my office:

• 6 bars of Lake Champlain 54% Dark Chocolate bars in various stages of consumption, including Peppermint Crunch, Raspberry Truffle, Coffee Truffle, Dark Chocolate Truffle, Dark Chocolate with Almonds, and just a plain Dark Chocolate Bar
• (correction.  The Dark Chocolate Truffle bar is now history.  I needed something to eat with the Dark Chocolate Raspberry Frappuccino…)

In my desk drawer:

• 1 box Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Peppermints
• 1 tin Choxie Dark Chocolate Espresso Beans
• 1/2 bag Starbucks Dark Chocolate covered Dried Cherries
• 2 bars Cocoa Via Original Chocolate Bar. This is a mini-bar — only 100 calories — that sports the tagline, “Promotes a Healthy Heart(tm),” so it’s really Health Food

In the pantry:

• 1 half-eaten Godiva Dark and White Chocolate bar
• Part of a 85% Dark Chocolate bar from Russia (I can’t recall the manufacturer — but it’s awesome!)
• 1 nearly empty container of Trader Joe’s Belgian Dark Chocolate Mini Grahams (I bought those for Christmas)
• 1 half-full container Trader Joes’ Dark Chocolate covered Australian Crystallized Ginger (technically, these are a vegetarian, low-sodium food!)
• 3 Fiber One Oats and Chocolate bars
• 2 bars Larabar Jocolat (chocolate) pure organic chocolate food bar (fabulous!  made with dates, almonds, walnuts, cashews and cocoa)
• Part of a Chuao Spicy Maya — 60% dark chocolate bar infused with pasilla chile and cayenne pepper
• 1 jar Love Street Living Foods 100% organic Raw Vegan Chocolate Spread w/ Agave Nectar **This truly IS a healthy food!**
• 1 half-full Jar Nutella hazelnut and cocoa spread
• 1 jar Pure Ohio Creamed Honey Spread, Chocolate flavor, from Ambrose Honeyworks, a local bee farm
• 1 Trader Joe’s 72% DARK Belgian Chocolate bar
• 1 Endangered Species Chocolate bar; 70% Dark Chocolate w/ Raspberries
• 1 bag Dark Chocolate covered Pretzels from Bella Chocolates (a local chocolatier)

In my Coffee Corner:

• 1 Tin Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate mix
• 1 nearly-empty tin of Starbucks Mocha Powder (sporting the tagline: “when coffee dreams, it dreams of chocolate”)

Oh, and this inventory does not count the tin of Hershey’s Cocoa or the bag of Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate chips, because they are technically not for eating — just for cooking.

Is it possible to have too much dark chocolate?

“Too much,” I think, is an assessment.  It feels like an arbitrary judgment.  My wife is a sports fanatic.  Is it possible, I might ask, to watch “too much” football or “too much” baseball?  She would, of course, respond that it is not possible.

Exactly.

She is a consumer of sports, I am a consumer of Dark Chocolate.  Sports is her Vice of Choice, while Dark Chocolate is mine.  I call that a tie!

Besides, if there was NO Dark Chocolate in the house, I would feel insecure and anxious.  What if there’s a snowstorm, and we can’t get to the store for several days, you know what I mean?  Having SOME Dark Chocolate in the house makes me feel warm and secure and content.  I’m a better husband, coach, parent, and Human Being when I consume Dark Chocolate.

So I conclude that the amount of Dark Chocolate in the house is…. Just Right.  And that makes me very happy. 

Are You as Happy as You Want to be?

Are you are as happy as you want to be?  Have you “succeeded” yet still find happiness elusive?  Do you sometimes feel “stuck” in your career or your life, without a clear path to what’s next for you?

If those questions caused you to pause for a moment, I invite you to read on.

What is Happiness, and Why Should You Care?

I define happiness as wanting what you have. Happiness, then, is an inner state; the quality of being joyous, glad, or contented.

Who cares?  Well, studies in the field of Positive Psychology look at the cause-and-effect cycle of “positive emotions,” e.g. gratitude, joy, hope, contentment, optimism, love, and, of course, happiness. Those studies show that that people who experience more positive emotion in their lives are:

• More RESILIENT. They hold up to stress better, and recover from negative or traumatic situations more quickly.
• More CREATIVE. They typically see more options available to them and are more comfortable trying new ideas and experiences.
• HEALTHIER.  Happier people get sick less often, and when they do they bounce back more quickly.

The good news: anyone can learn to experience more positive emotions in their life by engaging in a variety of skill-building exercises.

You see, our emotions function like our muscles. When we work out regularly, our muscles grow larger and stronger; if the emotions we most often exercise are worry, anxiety, and fear, those moods dominate our lives. Our positive emotional “muscles” need to be worked out to help them grow stronger.  The more often we seek out and experience positive emotions (happiness), the greater our capacity to deal with the future.

For example, keeping a gratitude journal helps strengthen your awareness of the blessings in your life. Other “exercises” for your emotional self can include:

• Learning how to breathe differently, e.g. deeper vs shallow breathing supports a different set of emotional responses
• Shifting how and where you carry energy in your body (calm energy resides in a different place than the energy of purpose, action, pain, anxiety, creativity, and so on)
• Noticing the reactions you have to various people or conversation topics (e.g. that coworker who always “pushes your buttons”) and gradually introducing a new response on both physical and emotional levels
• Changing the language you use in conversation.  Simple changes in the words you use can yield amazing changes in how you feel and the quality of your interactions

As a coach, I work with people who want to show up differently in the world.  The above are some of the tools I use with my clients to make the changes they seek.

Where’s this article coming from, you might ask… Well, I had a conversation yesterday with someone who appeared to get irritated with me, and said, “why would I need a coach to help me do all that? I can do it myself!”

My response:  “If you can do it yourself, then why are we having this conversation?”

You see, knowing is not the same as doing.  We benefit from having people outside of our world to help us understand who we are and how we are really showing up in that world.  That’s why I have several coaches.  That’s why Oprah Winfrey has a coach. And Tiger Woods.

A personal coach is a resource to help you achieve more in the world than even you believe possible.  In a world gone CrazyBusy, I know I can use all the help I can get!

How about you?

Jim Smith, PCC, is a personal and executive coach.  He works with clients who want to change how they show up in the world — because they “have it all” but still aren’t happy.