The Secret to Living Longer

Last weekend I delivered my “Five Prescriptions for Happiness” talk at the annual Reunion Weekend for the Baldwin Wallace College chapter of Alpha Gamma Delta.  Most of the attendees were current students or recent graduates; there were also a few tables of alumnae with babies in strollers; and a smattering of alums my age.

The Sunday afternoon event capped a day that had started with a fund-raising walk for a local charity and included a festive lunch and celebration, so the mood in the room was quite high.  The women readily engaged in the discussion and the short activities that are part of the talk.

Near the end of my talk, I have the entire audience on their feet for an activity that demonstrates the Mind-Body connection, and this group loved it.  Since I was the closing event for the weekend, the group was adjourned a few mins after my talk ended, and I was surrounded for a few minutes by smiling young women who came over to thank me for delivering such an upbeat message.

Behind the crowd I noticed an older woman waiting patiently for her turn to speak with me.  Eventually the hubbub subsided and she came forward.

“Young man,” she started (I was immediately in love with her – at age 53 I don’t get called ‘young man’ very often anymore!).  “Young man, I agree with everything you say, and I think you’re the best speaker we’ve ever had at this event.”

“Thank you,” I replied politely.  And then a question: “and how many of these have you attended?”  Every single one, it turns out.  Which is a lot.  She and I fell into a longer conversation.

Margaret is 95 years old, and was a 1934 graduate of Baldwin Wallace College.  She is apparently a cultural icon in the BW Alpha Gamma Delta community.  She maintains an active involvement in the chapter; each fall she hosts a barbeque dinner at her house for the chapter and their new initiates…and has been doing so for a LONG time.

She comes across as bright, energetic, and much younger than her chronology would indicate.  I remarked on that.  Her response: “Do you want to know the secret to living a long and happy life?”  “Absolutely!” I declared.

“The secret to living longer is to have friends who are younger.  And now that I’m 95, I have no choice” she said with a wink and a smile.

She’s 95 and stays young by hanging out with 20 year olds – and by keeping her sense of humour sharp.  How cool is that?!

Happiness is Watching Your Child Succeed, Part 2

I am so excited!  My oldest son got engaged last weekend to a wonderful young woman who makes him very happy.

In the improbable manner of the world, Justin (from Cleveland) met Katie (from

Pittsburgh) while they were attending a Second City Improv workshop (in Chicago) two summers ago.  Apparently it was love at first sight.

Justin moved to Nashville to be near Katie for her last year of college, and it’s been great fun to watch their relationship mature.  This child of ours lives a great deal of his life in an Improvisational mode – making it up as he goes along.  Katie is graduating this month from Belmont University in Nashville as a Theatre major, and her dream is to land a spot on Saturday Night Live as an Improv artist.  Thus, she makes a perfect match for Justin.

I loved watching this all from the sidelines, noticing that Romance is far from dead in this turbulent world.  Justin honored the tradition of asking Katie’s parents for their blessing.  He then made them co-conspirators in his plan when they sent him a gold cuff link that was momento from Katie’s beloved grandfather.  Justin had the diamond in that cuff link turned into a one-of-a-kind Claddagh ring (see photo).

Then he planned a trip with Katie and plotted with friends to arrange for music, sparklers, and videotaping of the proposal, which happened when they “coincidentally” made their way down the same Chicago street where they’d had their first kiss.

In the manner of Millennials, the engagement was first announced on Katie’s Facebook page, of course!

We’re looking forward to a very happy event in the summer of 2010.  J

Happiness is Seeing Your Child Succeed

Last week I was privileged to attend Kent State University’s annual Student Awards night.  At this event the university recognizes the accomplishments of its many student leaders and student organizations; it also serves as the transition point for all Undergraduate Student Government (USG) positions.

During the past school year our youngest son, Jared, was a Student Senator in addition to serving as president of the largest fraternity on campus, Sigma Chi.  He will serve as one of the six elected USG Directors for the 2009/10 term.  We drove down to see him recognized for his contributions and then sworn in to his new role.

We sat at a table with many of Jared’s fraternity brothers and were delighted to see the quality of character so many of them possess.  These young men, some about to graduate in a few weeks, represent the next generation of leadership for our country. I feel inspired when in the presence of their energy and determination to succeed and create change.

I was pleasantly surprised, as I scanned the evening’s program, to see many of these young men’s names on the list of nominees for several awards.  I was proud to bursting as I realized that Jared’s name was listed for seven out of twelve possible leadership awards, in addition to his USG recognition.

Jared went up on stage several times during the evening to receive recognition for his contribution and accomplishments.  The awards he was nominated for acknowledge leadership, scholarship, commitment to the university, contribution to the community, and so on.  These are all admirable qualities in any young person, and even more fun to watch when that young person is my own child.

I was a proud and happy Dad, for sure!

Questioning the Need for Answers

I fear that one of the biggest obstacles to solving our world’s many problems is that we’ve become a society where, if you don’t have THE answer — and the CORRECT answer — on the first pass, you are labeled ineffective.  You are a failure if you don’t have the answer.

I got to thinking about this after a colleague included the following quote in an email:

“In our society, mainly concerned with production and efficiency, the drama is that our capacity for questioning, still so vivid in early childhood, is very quickly eradicated or pushed aside for the benefit of our capacity for answering.
When a child has a real question, most of the time he is immediately given a stupid answer. In the best cases the educator goes to the dictionary to be sure his answer is accurate. But anyhow unconsciously, if not proudly, he closes the question.
From school to the end of our life it is always necessary to answer. We are compelled to learn how to answer. If we don’t know how to answer, we are just no good. So little by little we become some kind of model machine able-to-answer-to-all-situations with all the necessary blindness as regards its own contradictions.
That kind of answering, whose degree of sophistication may sometimes hide from us its conditioned character, is required by our life. But under its dominating necessity, is it possible to keep alive in ourselves our most authentic and precious capacity, which is questioning?”

~Michel de Salzmann, French philosopher and spiritualist, 1976

We seem to have lost our capacity for curiosity.  This, I assess, is a big problem itself.

Consider where we are.  I mean, REALLY consider the situation we are in as a planet — financially, politically, climatically, and as regards energy:  we have NEVER been here before.

We are in totally new territory.  No one (I repeat, for emphasis, NO ONE) has the answers…. heck, we’re not even clear about what the problems are!  We keep treating the symptoms, nothing’s improving.  H-E-L-L-O!  perhaps we could achieve a bit more if we just stopped demanding answers and instead took the time to explore the issues.

Curiosity is one of man’s most powerful tools.  Our ability to question, to probe, to learn distinguishes us from all other species on the planet.  Imagine what could happen if, for just a few months, everyone stopped trying to Solve these enormous problems (which, by the way, hasn’t been workin’ too well!) and spend that time trying to Understand the problems.  Understand the root causes.  Understand the impact of various solutions.  Understand the impact on human lives.  and most of all, Understand the emotions that are attached to both the problems and the potential solutions.

What might be possible if, for just a while, our leaders took the time to look at the world through the eyes of a child?  Hmm.

In the end, I suggest, we’d have better answers.

Nothing is Good or Bad

“…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Hamlet, Act II Scene 2

This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites… and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy.

Events are just events.  Stuff happens.  That’s it.

THEN…we create a story to explain that event.  In our “story” we interpret what happened and make up reasons why it happened, and that story evokes an emotional response from us… and suddenly an event is labeled: good, bad, ugly.  And we feel sadness, optimism, fear, anger, appreciation, frustration, concern, etc

Not from the event, but from our thinking about the event.

In the past week I’ve coincidentally had two separate coaching conversations in which the subject was betrayal – one work-related, the other personal.  Both parties showed up in the coaching conversation with a bubbling stew of negative emotions — Which they’d cooked up themselves, by the way.  And in both cases I coached them to step away from their story and examine a few others.

Example: Another person (X) failed to keep a promise (this is a fact).

Possible interpretations:

• (original story) X has harmed me.  X did it on purpose to hurt me.  I’m angry.  X is always trying to make me look bad.  What have I ever done to deserve such treatment?  I’m gonna watch for my opportunity to get back at X….  (down the path to rage and vengeance)
• X let me down.  I feel betrayed.  I have this big presentation coming up, and now I’m not ready, because of X.  This is going to be a disaster (down the path of embarrassment)
• X has harmed me.  That’s not like X; this is unusual.  I hope everything is OK with X.  Maybe I should give X a call (down the path of concern/empathy)
• X is so unreliable.  Why did I ever believe X would do as promised?  I am such an idiot for ever believing X.  Why am I so stupid?  I’m so bad at reading people.  (down the path of self-loathing)
• This is the third time this has happened with X.  I need to sit down with X and understand why this is happening.  I must renegotiate the promise (down the path to determination)
• The track record of X shows that promises made by X are not meaningful.  I did not really expect X to deliver.  So this is no big deal.  I’ll just have to complete it myself in time for the presentation.  (down the path to acceptance)

Each of these is a valid interpretation.  Notice how each one, however, creates a very different emotion and response.

I’m not ever saying that one story is ‘more true’ than another…I just invite my client to explore other possible stories, and consider if there are valid explanations other than the one that they are hanging on to that is harming them and keeping their emotional stew on a slow boil.

In this particular situation, my client – after creating the above options – chose to pursue the path of determination, and instead of simmering in her office she sat down with X to express disappointment and then immediately renegotiate (“what’s it going to take to have this done by tomorrow at end of day?”).  She realized that hanging on to her anger was hurting only her.  X was blissfully unaware of the concern, and when approached about the broken promise X apologized and confessed to not realizing how important the project was.

So in the end, much of her original story was fiction, and the emotional stew was self-cooked.

Creating Your Own Good from Bad

Does the above ever happen to you?  (of course it does.  You’re human!).  So when you find yourself sitting in assessment and stewing in your own emotional juices, turn down the heat!  Step out of the situation for a moment and consider OTHER possible stories and interpretations for the event.  Maybe select a different story that allows you more control of the situation, and lets go of blaming the other person for your own emotional reaction.

And then take a deep breath.  Remember, it’s only your thinking that makes it good or bad.  So change your thinking when you need to, and have a happier day.

Happiness and the No-Soda Diet

So, I ran into a friend of mine at the YMCA today.  I see him from behind fairly often, as I walk past the treadmills that he so loves, but it’s been awhile since we chatted face to face.

There was something different about him.  Hmmm.  I could not, at first, figure it out

Oh!  There was less of him!  That was it.

Paul has been carrying around an ever-growing belly for the past ten years, since he had to retire on disability after his macular degeneration rendered him unable to read.  Even though he runs at the gym four or five days a week while closing in on his black belt in Karate, there’s been more of him every month.

“I lost 26 pounds since the holidays,” Paul proudly proclaimed.

“Wow,” I said.  “I know you already run several miles a day and are constantly running through your karate workouts.  What ELSE have you added to lose so much weight that fast?”

One thing, Paul explained: “I stopped drinking soda”  (actually, he used the name of a specific brand, but I don’t want to diss a cultural icon in my blog).  He’s spent a great deal of time in the past decade watching television and drinking soda all day – an average of 4 cans every day.

He changed NOTHING else in his diet or exercise regimen except that he swapped out soda for tap water.  BOOM, he dropped 720 calories a day from his diet, and that has translated into the loss of one pound about five days.  Like clockwork, he says – “it’s been falling off of me.”

Other bonuses, adds Paul, include, “I’m sleeping better at night, and my knee stopped hurting when I run.”

Fascinating.  He is SO very happy.

My public rant:

Fact: the human body does not ‘register’ calories taken in liquid form the same way as when calories are consumed in solid food; food fills us up and invokes a “stop eating” response, where liquids do not.  Thus high-calorie drinks like sodas, energy drinks, and high-fructose-infused juices are invisible to our systems.  Yet a even a One-can-every-day habit (at 180 calories per can) means your body’s taking in 65,700 unregistered calories, translating into 18.7 pounds per year.

Think about it.  Consider the No-Soda diet.

Remember, you heard about it here, first.

The Choices You Choose

Michael J Fox has been in the media a lot.  He’s written a new book and is doing a promotional tour.  You may recall that he walked away from acting many years ago when he went public with his battle with early-onset Parkinson’s disease.  He’s since become an activist for stem-cell research into neurological disorders.

I saw his interview with Oprah on Tuesday.  Despite being loaded up with drugs, he manifested the constant uncontrollable shaking/movement that characterizes the disease.

Part of the show was medically-focused, discussing the cause of Parkinson’s as well as the amazing advances in medical research using stem cells created from the patient’s own harvested cells (remarkable results with no risk of rejection!).

The rest of the show was all about what a great life he has, how much he’s enjoying his life, and how this disease has created changes in his life that he considers a great blessing.  He considers himself a better father and husband than he would have been if he’d remained healthy in an acting career.  He points to the fact that he has met people he’d never have met; created new experiences, and explored other careers, like becoming a writer.

Does he have challenges?  Yes.  Is he in pain?  Much of the time.  AND he speaks emphatically about how he refuses to be defined by his disease.

My favorite line:

“I don’t have a choice about this (the Parkinson’s).  But I have a million other choices like what I do when I get up in the morning, the attitude I carry, what I do with my life; and I focus on those choices.”

He chooses to focus on the choices he CAN make, versus the ones that are no longer available to him.

Michael J Fox is an optimist.  Thank god for optimists, who help us remember that, in all the crap of life, flowers still bloom and children still smile.  J

Practice optimism today.

For just one day, approach every decision from the perspective of what you CAN do versus can’t; think about your life in terms of what you DO have rather than what you don’t; with every person you meet, focus on their strengths and what they offer, instead of what they are not doing or doing wrong.  Just for one day.  Notice what happens.