If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading

People don’t like to be uncomfortable. I cannot recall the last time I had a conversation a leader where the subject of “difficult conversations” about performance did not come up as one of their most feared situations.  Second to that is concern about telling people that “change is coming.”  Meanwhile, we face the reality that forward progress inevitably requires change, and change itself is uncomfortable.  What’s a leader to do?

If you want to be effective as a leader, you’ve got to get over yourself. While you may prefer to spend all your time in a happy, comfortable world where everyone does their job well and processes always work, that is, in the end, a fantasy world in which your role is unnecessary.  The raison d’être – the core justification – for your job is to solve problems, to declare new futures, to reallocate resources, and to name the elephants in the room.

In other words, your role by definition requires that you create discomfort, both for you and for others. I’m not advocating for “control freaks” or for those with anger issues to run amok in the workplace, because those behaviors create a dysfunctional form of discomfort.  I’m simply reminding you that you must, in today’s fast-moving world, continually stir the pot of change, and regularly challenge your team members to step up their game – and hold people accountable for delivering on their commitments.

In order to create discomfort, you must regularly practice that emotional state; you must become friends with unease, concern, nervousness, and even trepidation. When you become intentionally familiar with those emotions in small doses, you will gradually strengthen your ability to manage them.  You will find yourself more capable of holding difficult conversations because you’ll be confident in your ability to “live through the experience.”

How do you “practice” feeling comfortable with discomfort?

1. Start by having small conversations about minor concerns. Address little performance issues as they occur, so that the conversations can be about improvement versus “your job is in jeopardy.”
2. Rehearse your conversations with a coach or colleague. Many times the fear of delivering a difficult message dissipates when you speak it aloud in a practice session – so by the time you have the ‘real’ conversation, your system is already used to the message.
3. When a change is imminent, start talking with people about the high-level issues and direction even before you know all the details. By the time the final details emerge you and the team will have already gotten gradually used to the idea(s).
4. Have difficult conversations as quickly as you can after an issue emerges. 90%+ of the “drama” and discomfort comes not from the issue but from your thinking (and thinking and thinking) about it, and creating stories about what might happen.  Act before your imagination freaks you out.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who can step into the discomfort of a difficult conversation, knowing that on the other side of that discomfort lays greater potential for progress, accomplishment, and a more positive workplace experience.

Smile Like a Baby

As of the moment I’m writing this, our first grandbaby’s due date has come… and gone. And my daughter is still (very) pregnant.  In fact, she and Paul attended the out-of-town wedding for Kelly’s med-school roommate on her due date.  Until the baby arrives, life remains normal….

Babies don’t pay much attention to deadlines and schedules, do they? Yet they hold a great deal of wisdom about life.  A couple months ago we saw the documentary, Babies, at the movie theater, and were struck by how much babies smile.  A lot.  From very early on.

And then I think about all the adults I work with, and how I actually TEACH the concept of smiling. Smiling appears to be a universal response – regardless of culture, language, social status, or environment, babies naturally smile.  They “get” that a smile is a way to create a positive response in other people.  Smiles attract positive attention.  Smiles get them hugs and kisses.  Smiles change the people around them.

Babies are very wise, I assess. We all know the story after that.  Sometime in childhood, children start to absorb the message that smiling all the time is not acceptable.  And so this universally positive and natural behavior is slowly extinguished, until the adult emerges with a “serious” face as their normal expression.  And they learn that WHEN they show up — in the right place at the right time, keeping to the schedule — is more important than HOW they show up.  Then they must re-learn how to use smiles as a tool to change the environment.

Whenever this baby arrives, I’m looking forward to “re-learning” the natural ability to be happy…and once again enjoy letting go of the need to stay on schedule.