13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Part 2
Happiness frightens some people more than giant spiders. In honor of Halloween, I’ve assembled a list of stories people tell when they try to resist the conversation about Happiness. As you’ll see, while these myths can feel as scary as any monster, in the end they are only as “real” as vampires and zombies.
13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Continued
7. Fiction: I’m not ready to be happy yet. I’m poor. Unemployed. Sick. I can’t be happy until…I get out of school, get married, get divorced, have kids, the kids move out, I get a promotion, I get a job, I lose weight, etc, etc.
Fact: No matter what your circumstances, you can experience moments of happiness and contentment if (the big IF) you give yourself permission. Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Happier reminds us, “Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable.” Don’t make your happiness conditional based on some future event occurring…what if you never get there? The trick, you see, is to enjoy the journey itself.
8. Fiction: I don’t “do” emotional. It’s not macho. I’m not a touchy-feely person.
Fact: This is the biggest myth of all. You’re human, and as such you are always in some emotional state (even calm and numb are emotions!). Your comfort with emotions may be affected by your gender, cultural and family background, and context (e.g. work or home). When you pay attention to your emotions, you gain more control over them, which helps you grow stronger in your own life and in your relationships.
9. Fiction: My life has been full of suffering. It’s too late for me to be happy.
Fact: Lifelong cigarette smokers who quit soon learn that their body can heal. Just as it’s never too late to quit smoking, it’s never too late to practice living in a positive emotional state. Start small, with a daily gratitude practice to rebuild your emotional muscles. In a short time you’ll be amazed at how much lost ground you can make up.
10. Fiction: I don’t know how (to be happy).
Fact: Of course you do – it’s part of the human software. Even little babies know how to experience quiet contentment, happiness, joy, and curiosity. Still, if you’ve not used that program in awhile, it may be in storage at the back of your brain. Activate it, and the first thing you’ll notice is a suggestion to stand taller, breathe deeply and on purpose, and smile with intention. Fake it… your system will remember the rest.
11. Fiction: It’s disrespectful to be happy when so much unhappiness exists in the world.
Fact: The worldview offered by the media is a hyper-narrow window on the evil, catastrophe, and breakdowns that affect a relatively small percentage of us. Outside of active war zones, the vast majority of people – regardless of circumstances – claim to be happy most of the time. To shift your own worldview, Google “good news” or subscribe to http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/, where the daily headlines will warm your heart.
12. Fiction: I want more from life; if I’m happy, I’ll stop trying.
Fact: Happiness is not an emotion that demands exclusivity. You can be happy (wanting what you have) and simultaneously feel ambition and desire for a better future.
13. Fiction: Smiling hurts my face. Yes, I’ve actually had people say this to me. Could it be true?
Fact: An old urban legend claims that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. While this makes a great story, we don’t know for sure. See http://www.snopes.com/science/smile.asp for a serious analysis of this claim.
What we DO know is that human beings serve as mirrors to each other’s emotions. We return smiles without realizing it, and we automatically downshift our mood when we encounter someone who is sad or upset. Even a baby, shown a picture of a smiling face or a frowning face, will eventually shift mood to match the face.
We also know that we can shift our OWN mood by changing what we wear on our face. So frankly, even if smiling really DOES make your face hurt, try it anyway. I promise that within a few minutes your heart and the rest of your body will feel lighter and your pain will diminish!
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The 13 Principles of Happiness can help you overcome some of these scary stories. Check them out at http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, where you can also download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster. Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and notice how often it comes in handy for coaching yourself or others to Choose Happiness.
13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Part 1
Each year on October 31, Americans celebrate Halloween by dressing in costumes, exchanging candy and, most of all, scaring each other. The usual candidates for fright include Ghosts, Monsters, Zombies, crawly things, and Vampires.
Believe it or not, Happiness frightens some people more than giant spiders. In honor of Halloween, I’ve assembled a list of stories people tell when they try to resist the conversation about Happiness. As you’ll see, while these myths can feel as scary as any monster, in the end they are only as “real” as vampires and zombies.
13 Scary Stories About Happiness
1. Fiction: I’m too stressed, I’m too busy, and I have too many things going on in my life to be happy. It’s too much work to be happy, and I don’t have time or the energy.
Fact: Yes, living in more positive emotional states can take some work. The paradox, of course, is that when you carve out some time for happy-making pursuits, your burdens feel lighter, even if they don’t go away. You see, happier people don’t have less work or problems in their life, but they are more resilient and are able to handle more stressful events before they reach their limit.
2. Fiction: I can’t. He/She/They won’t let me be happy.
Fact: YOU have the final decision about your happiness. As Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Auschwitz death camp, wrote, “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” Frankl reminds us that even if we are completely under another’s control, we still own our mind and have the power to choose our attitude.
3. Fiction: It doesn’t belong in the business world. Many people fear that talking about emotions – their own or their employees’ – is not a “real” business concern.
Fact: That mindset is SO last Millennium! It’s now been 11 years since the Gallup organization, in their groundbreaking book, First, Break All The Rules, presented irrefutable evidence that engaged (a politically-correct code word for Happy) employees are more productive, have better tenure and attendance, and contribute more to organizational success than their DISengaged (aka UNhappy) coworkers.
Numerous other workplace studies have proven that those who report feeling happier at work are more creative, healthier, and actually have fewer on-the-job accidents and make fewer errors. And all that profit-making behavior is very important to business!
4. Fiction: People will mock me and call me names, like Pollyanna. They will say my attitude is unrealistic.
Fact: The stereotype of Pollyanna (a book and movie character) gets applied to people who others assess as “unrealistically optimistic.” Most people forget that at the end of the story, Pollyanna proved that your expectations tend to create your outcomes. A line from the book reads, “When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will” and of course the opposite, as well. So, why NOT have positive expectations? Even if you are occasionally wrong, the journey’s a lot more fun.
5. Fiction: It won’t last (so why bother?).
Fact: This one is true — Happiness won’t last. But then, neither will sadness, anger, fear, or any other normal emotion. Happiness is a great place to visit, and I hope you get there often. Yet every emotion has a purpose, and you want to visit those emotions when they will serve you better. (Tip: try to visit Happiness daily, to keep in practice!)
6. Fiction: My enemies (or boss, or rivals) will think I’m weak. I’ll get hurt.
Fact: The emotional family to which Happiness belongs is a very grounded and solid one. Active practice of the positive emotions like joy, confidence, forgiveness, hope, enthusiasm, ambition, and gratitude actually make you incredibly strong.
Five Tips to Manage Stress in Job Search
A shorter version of a post from earlier this week – 156 words of advise for managing job search stress:
1. Practice gratitude. Every day, write down three good things that happen around you. Focus on what you DO have to feel blessed even when stressed.
2. Tally your Friendships. List all your important relationships: family, friends, even casual acquaintances that touch your life. Priceless!
3. Take your own oxygen first. Move your body, eat well, and do things that feed joy to your soul. When your tank is on full you have more capacity for your search.
4. Eliminate frictions. Change or stop something that drains you. Let go of old stories, relationships, or habits that no longer serve the New You.
5. Choose your attitude. Stand tall, shoulders back, breathe into your deep belly, and wear a smile. “Fake it till you feel it” is a powerful strategy to access more confidence and happiness.
Instructions: Repeat daily to strengthen your positive emotional “muscles!”
Tips to Reduce Your Stress During Job Search
Filed under: Happiness Tips, In the workplace, Practicing Happiness
While I ran an outplacement center earlier in my career, I know much about search tactics. But these days my passion is to help folks in this situation by emphasizing the importance of self-care during the search.
As the corporate saying goes, “hire for attitude, train for skills.” What that means for the job searcher is that your attitude – HOW you show up for an interview – may be more important than your specific skill set. Most employers will tell you, “I can teach someone our process, but I can’t replace their personality.”
Bottom line: your attitude is your most precious resource. Take care of it.
I was recently interviewed by a journalist writing an article on stress management during a job search. I thought the full text of my responses might be helpful to any of my readers who have family members or friends who are enduring an extended search.
Surviving job search stress any time of year
1. As the weeks and months of unemployment add up, what is the best way to keep a positive attitude while job seeking?
One of the five most important factors for positivity is feeling connected. You need to get out of your house and meeting with people on a regular basis. Attend job seeker groups, where you can trade ideas with others in your situation. Use this time to reconnect with your professional colleagues at networking events. Spend some of your ‘extra’ time volunteering or hanging out with family and friends.
Another is to spend time intentionally focused on what you DO have rather than what’s missing. If you spend all your time looking at the dark hole in your life that used to be filled with a job, you will eventually get sucked into it. Instead, use your time to nurture other parts of who you are. For example, spend more time in other roles you play, e.g. parent, friend, sibling, neighbor, church member. Or devote time to your other talents, e.g. hobbies, singing in a choir, cooking for fun, or writing.
Finally, keep hope alive. Spend some portion of every single weekday on your search, even if sometimes it’s just ten minutes. Each time you take another action, remind yourself that you are closer to your goal.
2. What are some of the warning signs of unemployment and stress? What suggestions do you have for combating job-search related stress?
Stress is the emotional state that results from constantly thinking about situations over which you have no control. The short term signs of stress look the same as the fear response we experience when faced with real danger: adrenalin flows, the heart races, muscles tighten in anticipation of fight or flight, and breathing quickens.
But when we remain in that state for long periods of time, the body starts to break down. We feel tired, irritable, strained and out of balance, and after a while our immune systems break down and we become more vulnerable to injury and illness.
To combat this stress, try simple shifts in your habits.
- Let it go. Don’t make your job (search) your life. Yes, having a job is very important, AND you are not your job. Schedule time off from our search, just as you would from a job. When you return after a day or two of ‘vacation’ from search, you’ll find yourself more relaxed about it.
- Exercise. Physical exercise helps release the energy trapped in stressed muscles; and when the body relaxes, so does the mind, so you can show up in your search with more clarity and motivation.
- Share the load. Don’t walk around keeping your fear and frustration bottled up inside, or you’ll become like a balloon that’s about to pop. Find friends who will listen to your fears (without trying to “fix” your problem – just listen) and notice how it’s like letting some air out of your balloon; your stress levels will temporarily drop.
- Finally, Set strong boundaries. Some people want to constantly be on your case about having a job, or whine about how the world is unfair. Stop it. You probably do enough guilt-tripping yourself. Reduce the time you spend with “toxic” people so you can bring your full energy to what you need to do.
3. Is there any particular time of the year that is more stressful than others for job seekers? (e.g. the upcoming holiday season, for instance)
Honestly, I don’t know that there is a worse time of year for search, as much as there’s a relationship between length of search and stress. The longer you’re looking, the higher the stress, no matter what time of year.
Frankly, for some people stress actually DROPS during the holidays, because they are surrounded by a pervasive sense of good cheer and have many events to distract them from the search stress. For others, however, having to show up at Aunt Tillie’s and say, “I’m still looking” can be the worst part of the year.
To cope with all the people who will say, “what’s your status?” you can prepare a positive story. Instead of saying, “There’s nothing out there, it’s no use,” share what progress you’ve made and how you feel hopeful that “I know the right job is still out there waiting for me,” or “I’m very excited about the classes I’m taking, because they are preparing me for a new career,” or you can talk about all the contacts you’ve made in the past two months. Keep your focus positive, and make it clear: “I don’t want pity – I want contacts!”
If you’re looking for more ideas, here’s a post I did on managing holiday stress. It’s not specifically for job searchers, but maybe there’s another idea or two that will help you get through the next couple of months.
Good luck in your process!
Happiness Isn’t Always The Goal
I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state. She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this:
“Feelings are important, but they are not always reliable operating instructions.” In her case, the emotional response would have been to grab her daughter and head back home. But the rational thing was to leave her daughter behind and let life unfold at college.
“Sometimes,” she went on, “we must make friends with stress and loneliness and grief – or at least pretend to like them for awhile.” This was the lesson she’d learned at a parent orientation session at the college: Happiness isn’t always the goal.
Happiness isn’t always the goal?! What?! Yes, it’s true! While happiness is a lovely place to visit, and usually makes the Top 10 Most Desirable Emotions list, the reality is that happiness does not always serve us.
All Emotions Serve Us, In Different Ways
In appropriate doses, every emotion has a purpose. For example, Anger and Fear protect us from harm or the threat of same; Love and Affection help us to build connections with others; Sadness and Grief affirm our humanity by keeping us in touch with what’s important; Envy and Ambition keep us striving to be better; Determination and Perseverance help us maintain progress; Forgiveness releases us from burdens, Pessimism prevents us from overlooking problems, and Hope and Optimism make sure we can dream of a better future.
Another truth is that many of the “negative” emotions are what make the “positive” ones possible. Happiness is only possible if Sadness also exists**. Anxiety makes Calm more desirable. And let’s face it, would you appreciate Joy nearly as much if you did not have to sometimes deal with Frustration and Despair?
The above statements are only true, of course, when you have a healthy relationship with all emotions. If you don’t know how to deal with strong emotions like anger or grief, you may find yourself “stuffing” those down when they rise up, which means you never fully experience them… and so they remain stuck in your system, festering. People who have difficulty processing strong emotions often end up manifesting those in dysfunctional ways, e.g. unhealthy relationships, addictions, anger management issues, etc.
One of my goals is to help you develop healthy relationships with all your emotions so that you have the capacity to feel anger, fear, or other uncomfortable emotions in an appropriate way – then let them go, to create the space for emotions like calm, joy, satisfaction, and happiness to emerge.
Let It Happen – You’ll Survive!
I know a nutritional coach who claims that the biggest obstacle most people face when trying to change their relationship with food is that they don’t know how to deal with Hunger. Many people carry the “story” that if they feel hunger, it will harm them. That’s nonsense, of course.
Hunger is a physical sensation that comes and goes. The emotional “baggage” associated with hunger is a little tougher to deal with. When a client is ready, she gives them this assignment: “Tomorrow, after you eat breakfast as usual, you may eat nothing else until 5PM. You will feel hungry. I want you to notice that the sensation will come and go. If you need help, call me before you eat anything.”
At the first sign of hunger, panic can set in. But those who follow the instructions soon learn that if they ignore it, the feeling passes. They survive. And by the time they eat their dinner at 5PM, they have learned how to be comfortable with a little bit of hunger as a normal thing. That leads to a better relationship with food as fuel versus an emotional crutch.
In like manner, the path to better relationships with your stronger emotions begins with allowing yourself to experience some of them in small, controlled doses so that you can learn how to recover and move on.
I once worked with a client who ultra-controlled his emotions, mostly because he feared getting angry. People walked all over him, and he never reacted. I learned that his mother had uncontrollable rages, and he was convinced that if he got even a tiny bit mad, he’d go immediately to rage. I asked him, “If you could have a ‘healthy anger,’ what would that look like?” He painted a picture of standing up for himself, being able to defend his ideas in front of the rest of the team, and confronting a colleague who constantly stole his ideas.
I helped him begin with small conversations and move to larger expressions. He started with one-on-one situations, where he practiced explaining what he was feeling and why he felt that way. He eventually got used to expressing irritation, then frustration, and finally he learned to speak up in front of the entire group to say, “I am really upset that Chris is taking credit for this breakthrough, since I performed 90% of the research.” In the end, he learned he could be angry AND controlled, and his reputation – and influence — in the office improved dramatically.
Start small, work your way to bigger.
1. Practice by allowing yourself to experience and express smaller pieces of the emotions you’ve been avoiding. After my daughter died, I found it too easy to get drowned by my sadness. One of the ways I learned to deal with it was to limit my remembering to just a few minutes at a time, so that I would feel the sadness but not stay in it for a long time.
2. Watch a movie that evokes an emotional state. For instance, rent a movie about a sad subject, or a documentary that provokes you into anger, as a strategy for experiencing the emotion for a short time, then being able to step away.
3. Hold a “limited” conversation with a friend about the subject that evokes a strong response. Talking “about it” with someone you know and trust can help you dip into the emotional space without feeling like it will consume you. Arrange in advance with your friend to stop the conversation or move into another subject area after a specific time, e.g. 20 minutes.
4. Practice the skill of getting back to Calm. Try a short daily meditation practice, or simply practice taking deep, calming breaths a few times every day. This will give you a powerful tool that will help you come back from “the edge” when a strong emotion takes hold.
No matter what route you take to a healthier relationship with your emotions, you will increase your capacity for experiencing ALL emotions. So even when Happiness is not the goal, it can always be an option!
**For more on Why Sadness Matters, see the April 2009 edition of my newsletter
Happiness, the BOOK!
The 13 Principles of Happiness