Stop Managing, Start Leading Your Life

For the past 13 years, in my writing and my speaking, I’ve been quite deliberate in my use of the word, Leadership. Only recently have I realized the degree to which I assumed that everyone who reads or hears my message understands exactly what I mean by that word.  Not!

Most people, I’ve learned, think the terms Manager and Leader are interchangeable.  I use these words to define two different roles we must play to be successful, at work and in life.  Both are important, yet in different ways – and the most successful among us strive to achieve a balance between the two.

This chart shows a sampling of the distinctions I make between the two mindsets:

Manager Mindset:	Leader Mindset
Command, Control Task Focus Compliance with Expectations Metrics & Measurement Maintain the System Reactive stance Safety & Predictability Efficiency (doing things right)	Communication, Conversation Personal Presence Engagement with Vision People & Relationships Build New Systems Proactive stance Risk & Discomfort Effectiveness (doing the right things)

WE LIVE IN A MANAGEMENT CULTURE

We live in a culture that obsesses over control of outcomes, predictability, and immediate gratification (short-term results), which is really a Manager mindset. It’s important to get results, it’s important to have rules and predictability.  Yet if we spend all of our time there, our world is reduced to the pursuit of Perfection (impossible) and the belief that we are always supposed to be “in control” (an illusion) and have a Fix for every problem.  Thus, we are constantly set up for disappointment.

We often agree, in general, that much of what we’ve been doing is no longer working, and we want things to change. But what we really mean when we say we want change is that we want for everyone else to change, and for us to get what we want without discomfort.

Managers, who are fabulous at maintaining the status quo, cannot take us into the future.  Leaders are those who declare a future that is different from the past – and that takes courage and requires that we let go of the familiar to step into the unknown.

Yet in our culture, we often punish leaders, because they make us uncomfortable – even when we agree with them. 

EACH OF US HAS A MANAGER AND A LEADER INSIDE OF US

Your internal Manager (aka Habit) keeps your physical, emotional, and assessment systems running in the background, so you don’t have to think about everything all the time.  Your Manager also provides feedback on your “performance,” and points out when others are creating problems for you.  Most importantly, your Manager works hard to keep things predictable.  .

Your internal Leader challenges you to learn and evolve. Your Leader wants to have conversations about vision and values and a new future, and asks, “are you sure you’re heading in the right direction?”  Your Leader strives to build better connections with others; and most importantly, pushes you out of your comfort zone and reminds you when what you are doing is out of sync with what you say you want — if you choose to listen!

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HAPPINESS?

When you find yourself “stuck,” it’s often because you have stopped listening to your internal Leader.

To Lead Your Life, you must:

• Declare a different future. Create a new vision for your life.  Reexamine your personal values and notice where your behavior does not align with what you SAY is important.  Then take action to change.
• Take personal responsibility for You. Let go of (ever) blaming others for anything that happens.  You are always half of every relationship, and when you choose to change, you can transform your outcomes.
• Reach out to others for support. Build a team around you (which can include a Coach, of course!) and leverage others to keep you moving in a new direction and hold you accountable to your promises.
• Risk, Fail, Learn, and Grow. Any behavior that’s not working for you can be changed (even if your internal Manager resists).  Try new approaches to how you walk, talk, sit, stand, think, and even how you breathe.  You will feel uncomfortable and you will experience some failure.  Adjust, then practice, practice, practice the new approach. 
• Accept That Perfection is a Myth. Embrace that being effective for the long run is more important than being perfect. 
• Go with the Flow/Let go of Control. Real Leaders accept that they can set a direction but cannot obsess over every detail.  And learning to ride the wave is more realistic than trying to control it.

When you give more power to your internal Leader, you increase your capacity to enjoy life and adjust to what the world throws at you. You will spend less time in anxiety and fear and more time creating the possibility for Happiness, joy, and calm.

Most importantly, you will feel more confident and powerful in your own skin.

FINAL NOTE ON THE JOURNEY:

Management is a skill set, a set of learned tools that you can apply consistently in similar situations.  Preserve your personal management skills, because they keep you on course.

Leadership is a journey, not a specific destination.  While there is a broad set of skills and tools you can master to be a great leader, the truth is that, no matter where you are right now, there is another dimension of Leadership ahead of you.  Keep learning, because the road ahead is sure to be bumpy and the better your adaptation skills, the happier you’ll be!

Summer Reading List: In Search of “Must Reads”

The 2011 Summer Reading List
Nominations NOW OPEN

That’s right; it’s time for my TWELFTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL). Each year before I head to the Atlantic shore I solicit ideas for great new reads that you’ve discovered.  I’m looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS.  I’m especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic.** I make my selections from your input, and then share the compiled list with all of you, so you can make your own Summer Selections at the bookstore.

If you’d like to participate, please note the following four points:

1. What are the MUST READS you’ve encountered this year? Please share your discoveries.
2. I need your ideas by May 31 – the Tuesday following Memorial Day – in order to give me time to research and get the list published along with the June 22 edition of my newsletter.
3. Please help me manage my Inbox!  Use this link to make your Subject Line, Summer Reading List 2011
4. Include in the text three items: Title (including subtitle if you have it), Author, and a paragraph telling me why you like/recommend the book.

**If you are new to my SRL or want to get started early on your summer reading, you can find the past three years on my Archives Page (’08, ’09, & ’10).

I can’t wait to hear your recommendations!  In anticipation, Jim

Do We Know What We Want?

This blog post is courtesy my Marketing Coach, Robert Middleton — and he, in turn, takes part of it from  Lawrence J. Peter’s book, “The Peter Pyramid.”

“We are a strange people. We spend our lives doing things we detest, to make money for things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like. We never want to be doing what we’re doing. When we eat, we read; when we watch TV, we eat; when we drive, we listen to music; when we listen to music, we work around the house. When we want to be with friends, we go to a noisy restaurant; when we want to party, we spend the evening trying to converse.”

This was written back in 1986 and since then, things have only gotten worse. When we’re on the phone, we’re checking our email; when we watch TV we surf the web; when we’re on the web, we watch Youtube. And when we do practically anything else we’re on our cell phones.

It’s no wonder people are so stressed and overwhelmed. Do we even know what it means to do one thing at a time with full attention? But if we don’t have attention, we are missing life. Attention is life.

Jim’s addendum

We really can’t blame technology for our inability/unwillingness to focus. Multi-tasking existed before computers.

The inability to manage stress is one of the top 4 biggest contributors to chronic illness (three of the top ten most-prescribed drugs are anti-depressants!).  Stress is self-made, and one of the common stories we make up to fuel our stress is that we MUST pay attention to multiple, simultaneous things and that we must get EVERYTHING done.

Giving just ONE thing our full attention is called Mindfulness.  When we are mindful, we slow down. We become more present to the one thing, the one task, or the one person in front of us.  Mindfulness slows down our brain & our body, and creates a space for us to calm down and breath easier.

But to experience mindfulness, we must first give ourselves permission to Stop.  Slow Down.  Focus on Just One Thing.

We say we can’t.  So I repeat Robert’s question: Do we really know what we want?