TIPS FOR AN UNHAPPY WORKFORCE

Most employees are already Unhappy, so it doesn’t take much effort to nudge them into Insecurity, as well. Here’s a quick reminder of how easy it is to keep your ungrateful subordinates in their place: under your control.**

1. Keep Them Guessing. Tell them nothing that’s not essential to their tiny little jobs.  First, it’s none of their business.  Second, they’re probably too stupid to understand important business concepts like you do.
2. Watch Them Like a Hawk. Show them why they can’t be Trusted.  Check their bags for smuggled company pens.  When you spot phone numbers of friends or family on the call log, highlight those and send an invoice; as a convenience, offer to dock their pay rather than requiring a bank check.
3. Isolation is Your Best Offense. When you see coworkers talking, tell them that sharing ANY company information is a terminable offense.  Don’t communicate with other departments; if no one knows what you do, it will be easier to act hurt or outraged when your budget gets cut.
4. Leverage Fear to Keep Your Calendar Clear. To minimize useless meetings, loudly slam things around when you’re in your office alone.  If you don’t have walls, put on your headset and pretend you are screaming on conference calls.  Avoid eye contact with underlings – it creates false hope that you are approachable.
5. Remind Them Why You’re the Boss. When you know the answer to a problem, say it quickly so you can demonstrate how smart you are.  If you don’t know the answer, sit back and let them solve it, then point out your excellent facilitation skills.

Remember, It’s ALL about the Title: Who needs to learn leadership skills when fear, intimidation, and the exercise of raw power can get the job done with less effort?  Tell your people to get happy on their own time, not yours.

**P.S. Note from Jim: I did NOT have to make up any of this. Each of these bad behaviors came from stories shared by audience members.  Hopefully none of them work for you!

I Don’t Want to be a Superstar; I just want to be ME!

I wish inspirational commercials like this were actually run on television, where they could reach more people and offer positive messages in the media.

It’s a minute and a half, and the most powerful message comes right at the end: I don’t want to be a superstar; I want to be better than that. I just want to be me!

NINE STRATEGIES TO AVOID HAPPINESS

Nine Strategies to Avoid Happiness: How to Live as a Victim and Still Control the World!

1.     Take Everything and Everyone for Granted. After all, it’s their job to take care of you, right?  Practice rudeness, then sneer at the ones who can’t handle it.  On those rare occasions when someone meets your impossibly high expectations, be sure to point out something that wasn’t perfect, even if you have to make it up.
What to Avoid: Never say “Thank You” or express Appreciation for anything.  Gratitude totally kills the buzz of a bad mood.

2.    Cultivate Pessimism. The world is a dark and dangerous place; make it your mission to remind people of that.  No matter what anyone suggests, frown and say, “That will never work!”  Scan the global weather channel daily so when people say “good morning” to you, you can remind them of a recent earthquake, typhoon, fire, or flood.
Exercise: Practice slumping, frowning, and rolling your eyes to deepen your skill.

3.    Use Social Comparison as a Weapon. When you notice any positive self-talk happening, immediately think of someone who is smarter, prettier, or more skilled than you – that will tamp down Self-Confidence before it gets out of control.  When a coworker receives recognition for their work, ice that down quickly by pointing out, “I’ve seen better.”
Child-rearing Tip: when your child brings home an essay or artwork, put on a Sad face and say, “too bad you’re not talented like <insert name of a friend> is.”

4.    Never Give Anyone a Break. Make ‘No’ your favorite word.  Never give of yourself, and for heaven’s sake avoid volunteerism.  Performing Acts of Kindness releases serotonin in your brain, which makes you feel better – and that’s the last thing you want!
Bonus Tip: Being mean to someone in public carries causes most bystanders to feel a little Depressed or Angry all day.  Double your impact!

5.    Push Other People Away. Isn’t it annoying when your family and friends try to “take care of you?”  Stay strong!  Keep declining invitations until they stop coming; then complain about Abandonment.  If you must attend, sit in a corner and whine about something irrelevant.
Special note about pets: Avoid warm-blooded pets, which tend to form icky Emotional bonds.  If you must have a pet, get a lizard, fish, or something with a reptile brain – there’s no risk they will ever care about you!

6.    Reject Simplicity. CNN apparently thinks you can handle three to six simultaneous streaming data feeds, so stay connected to The Grid at all times.  Respond to every email or call immediately (your global clients will be impressed when you respond at 4AM your time).
Special note: When you slow down and allow yourself to enjoy just one thing in the present moment, you risk allowing Happiness and Joy to take root.  So keep it complex!

7.    Avoid Commitment. According to Barry Schwartz’s work on the Paradox of Choice, having more options does not make us happier; in fact, we get more stressed.  So keep your options wide open!  Shun goal-writing exercises, as those create undesirable consequences like greater focus and discovery of your life purpose.  Live randomly and put off decisions until you have 100% of all data (which of course will be…never).
Bonus: Lacking a strong foundation, you need never Respond rationally to anything; instead, you will strengthen your Anxiety muscles and get really good at living in React mode.

8.    Sit Down! Did you know that studies of clinically Depressed people prove consistent exercise raises Happiness levels as much as Zoloft?  This is why you must guard against Wellness (a thinly disguised conspiracy to control your life).  Skip all health seminars, and when they start distributing salads and pedometers in the company cafeteria, drive to lunch at McDonalds.  Look, if your Physical energy improves through better Self-Care, it will naturally pull up your Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual energies, and you can’t let that happen!
Caution: If you accept even a tiny responsibility for personal Well-Being, it’s a slippery slope.  Soon you’ll be expected to manage your own Happiness, too, and how unfair is that?!

9.    Nurture Resentment. Never let go of anything.  Remember, Forgiveness is for weaklings.  It takes a determined person (like you) to hold on to all those old slights – real and imagined — and still endure the new crap that’s getting dumped on you.
Take it a level deeper: Plan regular time to Obsess about someone who wronged you in the past.  Daily attention ensures your negative emotions remain at a constant simmer, burning away your immune system.  You’ll get sick more often, of course, which will give you lots of opportunity to Hate those people who did this to you!

Remember, Practice builds stronger muscles.  Exercise at least one of these nine daily, and soon you’ll find yourself snugly tucked away at the bottom of the Deep Dark Pit of Despair, finally safe from all those nasty “happy” people who, by the way, are totally out of touch with the way the world really works.

But you know the Truth, don’t you?  BWAHAHAHA!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness offers the opposite of what you want.  DO NOT VISIT http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm to download them.  If you practice any of those 13 habits, you’ll never achieve your goal of UNhappiness.

Happy News: Chocolate Good for the Heart and Brain!

Healthy Eating? You Decide!

This news is a month+ old, but it’s really timeless, and it made me happy, so I’m sharing with you.  Science proves that Chocolate is GOOD FOR YOU!

Chocolate Good for the Heart and Brain, according to new meta-analysis

Michael O’Riordan  from http://www.theheart.org/article/1268867.do

August 29, 2011 (Paris, France) — In a city renowned for its love of food, it is only fitting that researchers presented the results of a new study in Paris, France, showing that chocolate is good for the heart and brain. In a presentation at the European Society of Cardiology (ESC) 2011 Congress, British investigators are reporting that individuals who ate the most chocolate had a 37% lower risk of cardiovascular disease and a 29% lower risk of stroke compared with individuals who ate the least amount of chocolate.

In the study, published online August 29, 2011 in BMJ to coincide with the ESC presentation, Dr Adriana Buitrago-Lopez (University of Cambridge, UK) and colleagues state: “Although overconsumption can have harmful effects, the existing studies generally agree on a potential beneficial association of chocolate consumption with a lower risk of cardiometabolic disorders. Our findings confirm this, and we found that higher levels of chocolate consumption might be associated with a one-third reduction in the risk of developing cardiovascular disease.”

In this meta-analysis of six cohort studies and one cross-sectional study, overall chocolate consumption was reported, with investigators not differentiating between dark, milk, or white chocolate. Chocolate in any form was included, such as chocolate bars, chocolate drinks, and chocolate snacks, such as confectionary, biscuits, desserts, and nutritional supplements. Chocolate consumption was reported differently in the trials but ranged from never to more than once per day. Most patients included in the trials were white, although one study included Hispanic and African Americans and one study included Asian patients.

Of the seven studies, five trials reported a significant inverse association between chocolate intake and cardiometabolic disorders. For example, individual studies showed reductions in the risk of coronary heart disease (odds ratio 0.43; 95% CI 0.27–0.68), the risk of cardiovascular disease mortality (relative risk [RR] 0.50; 95% CI 0.32–0.78), and the risk of incident diabetes in men (hazard ratio 0.65; 95% CI 0.43–0.97).

Overall, the pooled meta-analysis results showed that high levels of chocolate consumption compared with the lowest levels of chocolate consumption reduced the risk of any cardiovascular disease 37% (RR 0.63; 0.44–0.90) and stroke 29% (RR 0.71; 0.52–0.98). There was no association between chocolate consumption and the risk of heart failure, and no association on the incidence of diabetes in women.

The researchers note that the findings corroborate the results of previous meta-analyses of experimental and observational studies in different populations showing a similar relationship between chocolate and cocoa consumption and cardiometabolic disorders.

“These favorable effects seem mainly mediated by the high content of polyphenols present in cocoa products and are probably accrued through the increasing bioavailability of nitric oxide, which subsequently might lead to improvements in endothelial function, reductions in platelet function, and additional beneficial effects on blood pressure, insulin resistance, and blood lipids,” conclude Buitrago-Lopez and colleagues.

<end of press release>

Well, I’m not even pretending to understand that last bit, about endothelial function and whatnot…. but in celebration of this news, I’m having myself a couple pieces of a Trader Joe’s 72% Chocolate bar — because even generic chocolate makes me smile!

Be Kind, Not Nice

I recently received a bit of wisdom from a colleague of mine, and it was very important in a conversation I had today with a client, so I”m passing on to you.

First, an important distinction between being NICE and being KIND

Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling–it’s their perception of the situation.

Kind is about what you choose to do and why.

When you want to be nice it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is grace-based discipline

If I want to be nice to my children I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

What is the lesson for leadership and life?

When you fail to provide critical steering feedback to a team member who is heading down the wrong path, you are being nice.  They will go home and feel good about you and the workplace.  When you intentionally create an UNCOMFORTABLE conversation in which you share your observations and engage that person around improving, you are being Kind.  For if no one tells them, how will they know of the issue?

If you have a friend who’s lost their job, it’s probably important to be Nice to them for a short time. Let them cry on your couch.  Invite them over for drinks and a chance to vent about the mean old company.  But don’t be nice forever.  As a friend, you must be Kind, and look your friend in the eyes and say, “You need to find a job, and you can’t do that from your couch.  I’m happy to help you create a more positive story about your last boss, but I’m not going to listen to the old story anymore.  It’s time, my friend, to get over it.”

If you really, truly want what’s best for yourself and for others, think beyond what will allow everyone to feel good about THIS conversation. Instead, think ahead and, if necessary, step into a NEW conversation that may feel uncomfortable, yet will provide the push or shove or difficult feedback — and support — for what is needed in the future.

Be Kind, not Nice.