Accept Imperfection to Grow as a Leader

How do you practice acceptance as a leader?

Start by accepting that the people on your team are who they are, and you will never fulfill your fantasy of a self-organizing, problem-free, zero-defect world filled with people who have mastered every technical, professional, and interpersonal competency.  (P.S. if they did, why would they need you?)

You practice Acceptance when you:

• Seek ideas from one of the creatives on your team without mentioning their messy desk
• Sign off on that marketing copy even when you think your own ideas might be better
• Patiently explain, again, a new process to a coworker
• Take that important call in a conference room rather than whine about the noise while everyone else is cooing over pictures of Helen’s new grandson
• Set aside a project to help someone else, even when they’ve never helped with your work
• Offer praise for a job well done, despite the fact that it was late

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who accepts that imperfection is part of the human condition, and who strives to engage and appreciate people for what they ARE versus resenting what they are not.

Do You Accept You, Flaws and All?

In the past few weeks I started new coaching relationships with 19 people, and I feel so honored by the trust that these individuals have chosen to place in me AND IN THEM SELVES.

The code of conduct for professional coaches holds that, “the client is whole, creative, and resourceful.”  No one is broken, there is nothing to “fix.”  Yet in today’s world where the value of independence and self-sufficiency is so strong, entering into a personal coaching relationship requires more than a small bit of Courage.

In a way, the first step for a coaching client is similar to most 12 Step programs, where one starts by saying, “Where I am is no longer working for me.”  When you say “Yes” to coaching, you have accepted that you are “getting in your own way” and that the tools you have are insufficient to achieve the goal(s) you hold.

In the first session of a new coaching relationship we focus most attention on building the framework for coaching (getting acquainted, logistics, goal definition, etc) and many times we spend only a few minutes actually coaching.  Yet, at the end of that meeting when I ask, “what are you taking away, today?” the coachee can always describe one or more valuable insights or powerful actions they created during the conversation.

You, too, can access the Power of Acceptance

The simple act of showing up and diving deeply into a problem or goal area generates huge new awareness and possibility, because declaring “I can’t do this on my own!” is so empowering.  When you accept and admit that you are not perfect and you do not have The Correct Answer, you also open the possibility that there are MANY correct answers, and many paths toward your goal.

When you accept your flaws and shortcomings, you also accept that you’re smart, experienced, and able to change… and that, my dear reader, is a powerful place to be! 

We are what our habits allow us to be

Doug Silsbee is a masterful coach who has done some really great work in the somatic realm, making the connection between our body, actions, and thinking.  His most recent blog post, for me, captures the very essence of why coaching carries so much power to shift lives, as coaching serves as midwife to the birth of new awareness and new ways of Being in the world, beyond old habits.

I am posting his essay here, and you can also read it on (and subscribe to) his blog at http://www.dougsilsbee.com/blog/authorship

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We humans like to think we’re in charge.

We like to think that we’re making decisions, charting the course of our lives, being creative.

In fact, most of what we think, say, and do is driven by a level of habituation that we can scarcely imagine. We are, fundamentally, an extraordinarily complex collection of conditioned habits, laid in through a combination of genetics, culture, and psychological shaping. Everything we believe about the world, what is worth doing, and how to respond in life is embedded in physiology. As such, every perception and interpretation is a manifestation of particular groups of neurons biologically entrained to fire together. How we lead our lives is constrained by this truth: we can only take actions that our nervous systems allow us to take.

Meanwhile, an infinity of possibilities lies just out of reach… available to us in principle, but inaccessible because of our hard-wired predispositions.

Our favorite TV show, Brothers and Sisters, features basically likeable and good people engaging in behaviors that are both destructive and astoundingly predictable. We watch them on screen, practically leaping out of our seats: “Stop! Don’t do that! You have a choice!”

We all do such automatic behaviors; the main difference between them and us is that we get to watch them on TV. If this sounds grim, I apologize. While I’m not actually a proponent of determinism (the belief that our lives and destinies are set,) the truth is closer to this than most of us imagine.

Yet, we do have choice. It’s just that most of us are asleep at the wheel most of the time. The trick is to learn to witness ourselves, to watch ourselves on the screen of our awareness as we move through life.

Human development can be seen as a process of waking up to the choices that were there all the time. When we witness the nature of our habituation, when we open to the possibilities that our habits previously screened out, we have a moment of real choice.

As we develop, we see that we are the only person we could be: the perfect and inevitable product of the conditions that gave rise to us.

And, we are the author of our own lives. As we wake up to this choicefulness, we become less and less driven by our habits, and more able to consciously author.

We live in an extraordinary time, in which the fundamental structures of the environmental, social, and economic fabric that supports our culture and very existence are shifting in significant ways. We are also authors of the world, in the midst of this shift; every action that we take or don’t take affects the whole in a chain of causality that is inconceivably complex. A special responsibility comes with the recognition of this authorship; giraffes and slugs presumably also author the world in their own ways, but are not cognizant of it.

EcoSomatic Leadership requires that we awaken not only to the nature of our own habituation, but also to the global context in which we are living. Living in this awareness, we are connected to ourselves and to the whole living system of which we are a living expression. We become increasingly at choice about how we author. We evolve into living in a set of commitments that are relevant to the world that we choose to bring forward.

This is the fundamental work of our time.

Imagine you lose all your data

Imagine you lose all your data.

Your inbox, gone.

Your sent file history, gone.

Your backups, deleted.  Yes, even your redundancy fails you.

What would you do?

It happened to me, today.  Gone.  Pfft.  Part systemic failure, part ignorance, part assumption (I believed it could not happen)

Here’s the thing — for ten years, I have struggled to clean out my Inbox.  I have dreamed of an impossible time when my inbox might be empty.

So now, when I should be FREAKING OUT (!!!) I find myself, strangely, calm.

Zen-like.  Deep breathing.  All my years of practicing calm in times of stress has kicked in, and once I realized that there was, truly, nothing I could do, I just — Breathed.

I achieved a lifelong goal, as the aftermath of a digital disaster.  And I’m OK. 

P.S.  If you sent me an email in the past week and I owe you something, please resend!  :~)

What helps you keep your Commitments?

Over the weekend I spent time preparing for one of my volunteer roles, as retreat leader for the Junior class at the high school my four kids attended from 1996 to 2005 (they graduated, I stayed on!)

Part of that job involves training 18 teen Team Leaders to facilitate their peers in several difficult exercises.  Today’s teens live amidst far more distractions than ever, so this year I began requesting a written commitment to the time and practice required to be fully prepared.

Many on the team told me, after the fall retreat, that having to make a commitment to a non-teacher, non-parent adult helped them stay focused on the “homework” necessary to be successful at the retreat.

What helps you to meet your commitments to yourself? 

• If it’s enrolling coworkers to keep you focused, how many conversations have you held and how many requests have you made?
• If it’s “reporting in” to a coach or partner to create a place of accountability, have you checked in recently?
• If it’s keeping a log or journal of your progress, what have you written, today?
• If it’s maintaining a physical practice to build new awareness in your body or emotions, have you done it at least once, today?

Act on your commitment.  Today.  

Are You a Maximizer? Part 2

See Part 1 to assess where you are on the continuum.

What are the implications for how you make choices when you are in a Leadership role?

The Maximizer in you can make a great manager when you leverage your thoroughness, are careful about decisions, and hold your teams to high standards. On the extreme end, however, you can come across as a controlling perfectionist who is impossible to please and who overanalyzes everything.

Satisfiers’ strengths as managers can be your flexibility, your speedier decision-making, and your willingness to set general criteria without obsessing about the details. If your Satisfier is on steroids, you may be too willing to settle quickly, fail to review decisions made, or accept mediocrity.

The best leaders recognize that a balanced and flexible style works best. Sometimes the project or decision really IS important, and in those circumstances it is important to follow the details closely and progress carefully at every stage.  Let’s face it, though – most of the work done in organizations needs to be done well, not perfectly.

So the best approach, which lies halfway between Satisfying and Maximizing, is to work with your team to set very clear expectations about outcomes and deadlines – the WHAT you want – but then leave the smart people you hired to identify the path they will follow  — the HOW — to meet those expectations, without you watching over their shoulders or demanding perfection at every step

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who adjusts their decision-making style based on the relative importance of a the work – knowing when to hold high standards and take it slowly & carefully, and when to allow flexibility and focus on progress vs. perfection.

Are You a Maximizer? Part 1

We were waiting to pay for our groceries and realized we’d forgotten the pasta for that evening’s dinner party.  I raced back down the aisle and… um… did you know there are over 50 different options for linguini alone?  Which will our guests most prefer?  Egg-free, whole wheat, organic, tomato or spinach-infused, fresh or traditional, generic or brand name…??

By the time I returned to the checkout I was in a state of high anxiety from trying to make The Best Linguini Decision. “Don’t ever send me to the pasta aisle alone,” I begged my wife.  She just shook her head.

We’re like this with clothes, too. If I need new pants they must be The Best Deal, so I check ads for sales, visit every rack in at least three stores, try on numerous pairs, then (finally) choose.  Cheryl, on the other hand, will visit one store, try on maybe two pair, and buy one.  Done.

Maximizer versus Satisfier

When it comes to making decisions we all fall somewhere along the Maximizer-Satisfier scale. (to find where you land, take this assessment)

Maximizers need to be assured that every purchase or decision they make was the BEST possible. Yet how to know if any given option is the best?  Research.  Get more data.  Delay the decision.  Talk to friends.  Make the decision, but… then worry about whether it was the absolute best choice.

Satisfiers simply want to make a GOOD decision. Like Maximizers, they set out to meet specific criteria in their decisions and purchases.  The difference is that Satisfiers seek excellence, yet don’t obsess over achieving the Absolute Best.  Once they make a decision that is good enough, they never look back.

Let Go to Feel Happier

A continual focus on making the absolute best decisions can be a core talent but, like any strength, can become a weakness when overused. We live in a world of seemingly infinite choices anymore.  If you are unaware of your own drive to always make perfect decisions, you can end up generally unhappy because you’re constantly shy of a near-impossible standard.

Other ideas to help Maximizers reduce the anxiety of decision-making:

1. Choose when to choose. Decide to restrict your options when the decision is not crucial.  For example, make a rule to visit no more than two stores when shopping for clothing.
2. Learn to accept “good enough.” Settle for a choice that meets your core requirements rather than searching for the elusive “best.”  Then stop thinking about it.
3. Don’t worry about what you’re missing. Consciously limit how much you ponder the seemingly attractive features of options you reject.  Practice by focusing on the positive aspects of the choices you make.
4. Temper expectations. “Don’t expect too much, and you won’t be disappointed” is a cliché.  But that advice is sensible if you want to be more satisfied with life.

I hold high standards for my work, but have learned that striving constantly to create perfection is not only exhausting but it tends to feed my procrastination. To counter my own Maximizer tendencies, I’ve asked others for advice.  Now, when I am working on non-critical project I remind myself that “80% is good enough;” and when it comes to meeting deadlines, I consider the words of thought leader Seth Godin, “Done is better than perfect!”

Next: Maximizer and Satisfier in Leadership

Tiny Stories of Gratitude for the Holidays

A client of mine sent this story as part of his holiday message, and I loved it so much I asked for his permission to share it with all of you. My guest columnist, Rob, is an executive who lives in Chicagoland.

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I ask you all to practice random acts of kindness this season. During the past few weeks a few things have happened that I would like to share.

1. I picked up a pair of shoes from a the cobbler and indicated to the woman in the store that I was excited because I had only one more official Christmas Party to go to.  She said: ” I wish I had a Christmas Party to Go to.”

Let’s Be Grateful for what we have and get to do!

2. I shared with a beautiful woman my goal of teaching at the University of Chicago.  She shared with me that she had received her PhD there and had this set of china with Pictures of the Buildings on them from 1931.  I had just met her.  She left and returned within 10 minutes and gave me the 12-piece set of china.

Be Grateful for the generosity of others!

3. I was able to hear one of my best friends play his violin in Handel’s Messiah.  He was, and it was, amazing.

Be Grateful for the Talent and Growth of others!

4. I was blessed to have lunch with my mom and my aunt in Chicago at the Walnut Room of Marshall Fields.  Generally the wait is 2-4 hours.  I had exchanged holiday greetings with a man on an elevator earlier.  He saw us in line and gave us his reservation which was 45 minutes earlier.

There is an abundance of Generosity in the World!

5. Lunch and the time with mom and Aunt Arlene was a blessing!

Enjoy family and loved ones.  Be grateful!

6. We decided to have dessert at the Cheese Cake Factory on Michigan Avenue.  Another wait was in front of us.  I greeted the host with “Hello and Merry Christmas.”  He stopped and said “What did you say?”  “I said, Merry Christmas.”  He said “you are the first person who said that all day.  Thank you!”  and he seated us immediately

There are so many other miracles that keep happening!

I heard the bells on Christmas Day; their old familiar carols play, and wild

and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American Poet

Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

Gratitude Reprised

As the American Thanksgiving holiday approaches, our thoughts turn to Giving Thanks and the emotion of Gratitude.  This emotion is so foundational to the experience of all the Positive Emotions that I believe it is impossible to oversell its importance or speak of it too often.

Gratitude is defined as, the quality of being warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankfulness.

Reminders about the Importance of Gratitude

• Expressions of Gratitude are the bricks of the foundation upon which Happiness, Optimism, Hope, and Joy are built.
• Practiced regularly, Gratitude shapes your worldview toward noticing abundance versus scarcity, since it focuses on what you Have versus what you Lack.
• You bring positive energy to the conversation whenever you speak with others about something for which you are grateful.
• Grateful people make better friends, parents, coworkers, and leaders.
• Finally, when you practice gratitude, you feel more content with the world, no matter what your current state (even unemployed!).

Practice makes Better

If you want to learn the piano or run a marathon, you must practice, practice, and practice.  The same is true of emotional states.  Here are nine intentional activities that will help you live a more Gratitude-filled life.

1.       Keep a Gratitude Journal. This is the most basic and powerful practice in all of Positive Psychology.  Every book on happiness published in the past eight years places this practice at/near the top of the list.  Every day, write down three blessings from the past 24 hours.  Pencil and paper or online journal work equally well – the key is that you write it, not just think it (it makes a difference).

2.       Remember the Bad Times. In his 2007 book, “Thanks,” researcher Robert Emmons noted the value of reflecting on past difficulties  — not to dwell on them, but to appreciate that you survived and are stronger today as a result of the experiences.

[This one resonates for me personally. Viewed in the rearview mirror, some of my darkest moments and biggest mistakes have come to symbolize significant turning points or deep learning that would not have been otherwise possible.  In the words of Helen Keller, “Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”]

3.       Say, “Thank you.” Those who say ‘thank you’ more often than ‘please give me….’ experience higher life satisfaction.

4.       Three Square Meals.  A good friend of mine takes a moment before every meal and says three things he is grateful for since his last meal (and he is the most grateful person I know!)

5.       Appreciate Someone.  Every day, let a person in your life know you are grateful for them, and why.  Even if you only do this weekly, in a year you’ll have sent 52 notes.

6.       Build a Gratitude List. Start with a list of 25-50 things for which you are grateful.  Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list (challenge yourself to reach 100!).  Pull the list out and read it for a quick pick-me-up whenever you feel down, sad, or ungrateful.

7.       Wear a Body of Gratitude. With feet flat on the ground, pull your shoulders back and your head up, open your palms toward the person you are facing, and take a deep breath.

8.       Fill a Gratitude File.  Every time you receive a thank you note, place it in your file.  In email, create a folder to store these.  When you are having a bad day open the file and, as you read, feel the warmth of other people’s appreciation wash over you.

9.       Notice the Invisible and the Infrastructure. When was the last time you gave thanks for the fact that the lights actually go on when you flip the switch?  Or that your faucet flows with clean, drinkable water?  Or that you can live without fear of being assassinated in your home?  Much of the world’s population still lacks these life basics, so take a moment to appreciate what may have become invisible to you.

Happy Thanksgiving.  And in case you’ve not heard me say it before, my dear Readers: I am grateful for you!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offer specific practices to strengthen your “happiness muscles.”  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your refrigerator, and have extras handy for when your guests read it on Thanksgiving and want their own copies!

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