You Can’t Change Other People

“You can’t change other people. You can only change how you respond to them.” I first heard this life lesson from a mentor when I was a newly minted supervisor 30 years ago. At the time I was struggling with how to manage several very difficult personalities on my team. What I learned in that important conversation with Tiona has served me in many, many life situations.

People are who they are, and you can’t change that. Yet how much time do you spend trying? If you’re like most people, a lot. And you probably find that your efforts, like mine, lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment, maybe anger, and sometimes even guilt. And frustration, lots of that. Because what’s the matter with you, that you can’t “help” them see the “right” way to see the situation, or the “right” way to behave?

There’s nothing wrong with you – you just need to shift your focus from them back to yourself. E.g., What story are you telling yourself? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? What would you rather be doing in the conversation?

A story to illustrate: Last week I attended a business-networking event where I met several new and interesting people. One of them, Patrick, is upbeat and full of energy, and we immediately fell into a spirited conversation. We are both into self-improvement and believe in the power of Positive, so we discovered much we had in common.

At one point, Pat spoke of a situation where he’s having problems remaining positive. He owns a small business that employs a dozen people and for which he is the primary rainmaker/sales person. He loves his work – most of the time. His primary contact at the company’s largest customer is a very aggressive (and sometimes almost nasty) manager who constantly seeks to provoke his “opponent” in every conversation. From experience, Pat believes that this client interprets any sign of weakness as a signal to “go in for blood and finish the kill.” Pat figured that going eye-to-eye with this guy was the only way to survive – so when the client pushes, he pushes back. The tactic seems to work, but Pat feels drained by encounters, and dislikes having to behave that way.

“So,” he asked me, “how can I influence him to change?” I smiled. Then I offered the same advice that began this article: You can”t change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

The story Pat’s telling himself is, “I must stand up to this guy – that’s the only way I can succeed.” Thus he’s approaching every meeting in a mood of intimidation mixed with determination, and his habitual reaction has been to match aggression with aggression, which makes every conversation a battle in which he must hold his ground.

“What would you rather be doing in the conversation?” I asked. Pat said he’d like to get the business but without feeling like he’s been in a fight. So I showed him two simple practices that may help him to succeed in a different way.

First, the verbal skill of Yes, And… This is the foundational language skill we see in Improvisational acting, where the goal is to embrace what comes at you, then build on it to keep the action going. Yes, And is the opposite of Yes, But. Rather than trying to push back on everything this client says, try Accepting it (the Yes) and then Building on what he says (the And…). In other words, let it be a conversation rather than an argument; and notice what happens.

I also taught Pat a quick physical skill to help him shift his presence in the conversation. Pat’s instinctual reaction to his client’s aggression is to Resist. The way this shows up in his body is that he plants both feet, squares his shoulders, and leans forward – sort of like a lineman in US-style football.

The part that works here is his footing – both he and his client need to feel that Solidity. But by always facing off with the client, Pat is constantly “taking a hit,” or absorbing all that negative energy, which is why he feels tired.

So we worked to combine Flexibility with Solidity. I had Pat keep his feet solidly planted, and pull one foot back just a few inches. Then I had him pivot slightly at the waist so that he faced me at an angle. This small shift allows him to deflect the hit, or watch it pass, rather than taking it on the chest.

This physical shift can allow Pat to embody the spirit of Yes, And… as well as support an emotional shift from aggression (solid and inflexible ) to assertive (solid yet flexible). If Pat changes how HE shows up in the conversation, the conversational dynamic will shift even if the other person remains as stubborn as before. And hopefully Pat can emerge from his next negotiation with a contract AND his energy intact!

Do This For Yourself

Is there someone in your personal or professional life with whom you wish to have a different (aka better) relationship? Work through these steps to create a new response for yourself.

1. What story are you telling yourself about that other person? e.g. Joe always does this… or Chris never does that…
2. What emotional state does that invoke in you, even before you start? When you acknowledge your emotion, you give yourself more power to change it.
3. What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? Do you shrink, tense up, get quiet, turn sarcastic, push back, panic?
4. What would you rather be doing in the conversation? Use your power to choose. Name the feeling you’d like to hold when you are in relationship with that person – in other words, how do you want to feel when you are around them? Confident? Caring? Loving? Valued? Accepting? Calm?
5. What body posture would match that feeling? How would you stand, sit, or breathe? Would you be leaning forward, or back? Where would your center of gravity land?
6. Practice the new posture and the new story for awhile, in non-stressful situations, to help your system get used to it.
7. Then try it in the real conversation, and notice what happens when YOU show up in a different way!

Remember: you are half of every conversation; if you shift, so will that next conversation.

Say Cheese: 15 Fascinating Facts About Smiling

Ken recently contacted me to share an article he thought my Happiness audience would also enjoy — on Smiles.  Of course!  Ken’s audience is nurses (www.nursingschools.net), so he’s really grounded his research in the medical world — proving that smiles are GOOD FOR YOU!

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Everyone loves the quote “laughter is the best medicine,” and as a nurse, you have probably even experienced the benefits of smiling and laughter with your patients. In fact, smiling can boost your mood and even your immune system. Keep reading for more fascinating facts about our smiles.

1. Forcing yourself to smile can boost your mood: Psychologists have found that even if you’re in bad mood, you can instantly lift your spirits by forcing yourself to smile.
2. It boosts your immune system: Smiling really can improve your physical health, too. Your body is more relaxed when you smile, which contributes to good health and a stronger immune system.
3. Smiles are contagious: It’s not just a saying: smiling really is contagious, scientists say. In a study conducted in Sweden, people had difficulty frowning when they looked at other subjects who were smiling, and their muscles twitched into smiles all on their own.
4. Smiles Relieve Stress: Your body immediately releases endorphins when you smile, even when you force it. This sudden change in mood will help you feel better and release stress.
5. It’s easier to smile than to frown: Scientists have discovered that your body has to work harder and use more muscles to frown than it does to smile.
6. It’s a universal sign of happiness: While hand shakes, hugs, and bows all have varying meanings across cultures, smiling is known around the world and in all cultures as a sign of happiness and acceptance.
7. We still smile at work: While we smile less at work than we do at home, 30% of subjects in a research study smiled five to 20 times a day, and 28% smiled over 20 times per day at the office.
8. Smiles use from 5 to 53 facial muscles: Just smiling can require your body to use up to 53 muscles, but some smiles only use 5 muscle movements.
9. Babies are born with the ability to smile: Babies learn a lot of behaviors and sounds from watching the people around them, but scientists believe that all babies are born with the ability, since even blind babies smile.
10. Smiling helps you get promoted: Smiles make a person seem more attractive, sociable and confident, and people who smile more are more likely to get a promotion.
11. Smiles are the most easily recognizable facial expression: People can recognize smiles from up to 300 feet away, making it the most easily recognizable facial expression.
12. Women smile more than men: Generally, women smile more than men, but when they participate in similar work or social roles, they smile the same amount. This finding leads scientists to believe that gender roles are quite flexible. Boy babies, though, do smile less than girl babies, who also make more eye contact.
13. Smiles are more attractive than makeup: A research study conducted by Orbit Complete discovered that 69% of people find women more attractive when they smile than when they are wearing makeup.
14. There are 19 different types of smiles: UC-San Francisco researcher identified 19 types of smiles and put them into two categories: polite “social” smiles which engage fewer muscles, and sincere “felt” smiles that use more muscles on both sides of the face.
15. Babies start smiling as newborns: Most doctors believe that real smiles occur when babies are awake at the age of four-to-six weeks, but babies start smiling in their sleep as soon as they’re born.

Jim’s NOTE: The two pictures in this post are of my “baby” sister Eileen (who has a beautiful smile) and her youngest, Shannon.  Shannon was just 3 months old when this shot was taken — and she already was smilin’ like her mom!

To read this article in the original, visit here.  Thanks for Sharing a Smile, Ken!

Put the 13 Happiness Principles into Action

For the past 32 years I’ve been married to an amazing woman who has partnered with me in raising a great family, but who pretty much left me alone when it came to running my coaching and consulting business (except for balancing the books!).  A few years ago, however, she started to pay more attention to my work on Happiness as she noticed they have a real impact.  Please join me in welcoming guest author Cheryl Smith as she shares some of her accumulated learning.

The 13 Principles of Happiness Applied to Real Life

by Cheryl Smith

I am an accountant, not a writer.  Still, I’ve learned a lot about Happiness over the past few years.  What follows are some of my “aha” moments that relate to some of Jim’s 13 Principles of Happiness.

Become Positively Self-ish, #1
I always used to put everyone in my life before me — whether my husband, my children, my parents, or my friends, I always suppressed my own needs.  I remember one Christmas when Jim and I were writing our holiday letter, and I had no personal highlights.  I was the “support” behind most of Jim’s and the kids’ highlights, but I actually had none of my own.

I feel differently now.  I realize how I can give even more if I prioritize my needs, too.  I love children and truly enjoy every minute I can spend with young kids.  Several years ago I seriously considered foster parenting, but life and various health issues altered that path.  I do, however, volunteer once a week at Providence House (a crisis nursery for children) and I get a lot of joy from working with the kids.  When I returned to work after my surgery, in the “heat” of the tax season, I felt that I would have to give up my volunteering.  However, after thinking long and hard, I decided to be positively self-ish and I found the time to maintain my training hours and have continued my volunteer work despite everything else.

Be Authentic, #13
I witnessed an example of this last month when my son got married.  He and Katie chose to celebrate their wedding in the way they wanted whether that met with others’ expectations or not.  They had a small private event in northern Michigan with two dozen of their closest friends and family and then the next weekend they had a celebration in Chicago with a comedy show and a party at a venue decorated with eclectic 50’s décor!

My daughter and son-in-law married several years ago in the gracious splendor of the Basilica of Notre Dame and for them, it was perfect.  Last month was perfect for Justin and Katie.  Neither event was better, just different.

When you Live Your Values (#2) it is much easier to remember what is most important.  When it comes to marriage, it is about making a lifetime commitment to the one you love, whether on a beach in northern Michigan or in the Notre Dame Basilica.  I believe they have both chosen wisely, and in the process been true to themselves.

Build Reserves, #5
I have realized recently that what I want to build reserves of in my life is Memories.  I don’t need extra things; what I want is extra experiences.  I told my family that I don’t want gifts for birthday or Mother’s Day.  Instead, what I want is a chance to get together or to receive a phone call.  I guess that is why Jim, Kelly, Paul, Jared and I gave Justin and Katie a honeymoon trip for their wedding gift.  What we were really giving them was an adventure and an opportunity for memories.

Tolerate Nothing, #6
This principle is one of my favorites and I practice it often, frequently in small ways.  The recent wedding gave me an opportunity to really put it to use.  Because Justin and Katie chose an unconventional path there were some friends and family who were less than supportive of the plans.  At first I was worried about “how to make it right.”  But Katie’s mother and I decided that we would not tolerate, nor worry about, those folks.  We decided that those who came to the events would be those who were supposed to be there, and we would happily celebrate with them.  And we did.

Choose to Respond, #7
Just 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It was not within my brain, but rather inside the lining surrounding my brain; and it was not cancer – but was still a brain tumor!  I chose to respond with all resources available to me.  I had a wonderful surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and nine days after my diagnosis I had 10 hours of brain surgery.  The only open date on the surgeon’s calendar was Christmas Eve, and for a moment I worried about “ruining” the holiday.  But I decided that I have to take care of me (I guess that’s also Principle #1 again).

There are many things in life that we cannot control, but in whatever way possible we must respond and face things head on.  I try to face things as quickly as possible now.  I find that it gives me much less time to worry and far more energy to act.

Pay Attention, #9
I think that staying focused on what is going on around you is critical.  I don’t just mean what is going on at the global level.  I mean what is going on right in front of you!

I will always remember a conversation with my 25-year-old brother-in-law, Sean, the Thanksgiving before his death from Leukemia.  Sean was trying his best to be with family, even though he’d just learned that the cancer had returned.  After dinner I noticed that he had moved away from the group and eventually headed upstairs.  After a few minutes I followed him up.  He was in his cousin’s bedroom crying.  I walked in and just held him.  He said, “ No one wants me to be here, I make them uncomfortable.  No one even came looking for me.”  It was not a time to debate his statement or correct him.  It was just a time to hold him and remind him that we all loved him.

Always pay attention to those around you.

Simplify, #10
This is the principle I find easiest and hardest to incorporate into my life.  I like things simple, very simple, if possible.  But I also like things to be predictable, and I hate change.  But Jim has helped me to learn that change and simplify need not be mutually exclusive.  Change does not have to complicate your life, unless you let it.  Sometimes the very best way to simplify is to allow a change or let go!

Cheryl Smith, CPA, is a wife, mother, and tax accountant.  She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, with her terminally happy husband and two unnamed goldfish.

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Anyone can make the decision to be happy when they PRACTICE an aspect of happiness every day.  Why not post a copy of the 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator so you can put them into action like Cheryl has?  You can download a 1-page summary.  Choose Happiness.

No Excuses

I’ve been whining to my marketing mastermind group about how I can’t find the time to get all my assignments completed.  I’m not the only one.  And then Thomas sent us all a link to this video.  OK, that’s a WHOLE different perspective.

If you SAY it’s important, don’t make excuses.

Create Space for Happiness: Just Say No

I just finished the most overwhelming month I’ve encountered in a LONG time.

I had a major client project coming to a close (with tons of final meetings), an enormous amount of work for a training program I’m enrolled in myself, a peak of client work, and several out of town trips for work… PLUS a son’s college graduation and another son’s wedding (two weekends of this), all of it out of town and requiring travel….PLUS it’s spring time, and we had to get our garden planted in a specific window and maintain the yard.

Whew!  As much as I walk my talk, all the meditation, breathing, and gratitude practices in the world were not enough to keep me from falling into frustration, overwhelm, guilt (from missing a deadline), and even, on a particularly bad night, from despair.

Hey, don’t lie to me – you’ve been there!  Imagine: There I was, lying on the bottom of the pit of despair and hopelessness, wishing for calm and happiness and satisfaction…when I realized what the problem was.

I was forgetting Happiness Principle #1: Be Positively Self-ish! I’d forgotten that sometimes the shortest path to sanity is to use one of the shortest words in the dictionary: No.

And so I spent the next day working up the courage to start saying No.  I reviewed my calendar, computed how much time I’d need for all my commitments, and calculated that I had more work than hours available.  (Confession – at this point, I had trouble breathing.  Honestly!)

Gulp!  So the first order of business was determining what I would say NO to.  I decided that I would NOT say No to sleep.  (Bad idea, to skip sleep).

Next, I sorted out two projects and renegotiated the due dates.  I started to feel optimistic, once again.  Then the phone rang.

“Hi, Jim.  We really need you.  Right now.  Can you come in and facilitate this leadership meeting for us, right away, for which we’ll pay you money?”  (that’s not really how it went, but that’s what I heard).  Gulp, again.  And I looked back down into the pit of despair and hopelessness…and in that dark place I found a tiny bit of backbone and courage, and I said, “I’d love to!  AND I am totally swamped right now, and cannot commit to any more work until June.  Can that still work for you?”  (My mind raced through many dark scenarios… will they leave me?  Will they say, “no way?”)

Hallelujah!  “not a problem, Jim.  I understand.”  And we looked ahead to the relatively open space on my June calendar.

This conversation repeated a few times, and the wonderful thing is, now my June is pretty full.  Great stuff!  If I’d not found the courage to Just Say No, I would have been completely underwater, and probably trying to edit strategy documents at my son’s wedding last weekend!

Boundaries protect us

When you Just Say No to things you can’t handle right now, you are taking very good care of yourself.  Saying No creates a strong boundary, so that other people know how far they can go and what they can ask of you.  If you have weak boundaries, you can end up in situations you do not like, trying to fulfill commitments you can’t handle… and you’ll be miserable.

And remember, when you take care of YOU, you end up with more capacity to take care of others, and in the end, there’s more happiness to go around for everyone.

Because I Just Said No, I was able to be fully present to all my clients, meet most of my commitments on time, and still spend all my weekends with family.

So when life threatens to run you over, take care of you.  Just Say No.

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Living Happiness Principle # 1, Be Positively Self-ish is critical if you are to open up space to live life on YOUR terms versus everyone else’s.  Why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm. Choose Happiness.

Life Lessons from a Coffee Cup

When I bought a cup at the airport coffee shop, I expected warm caffeine.  What I got was a list of life tips written on the cup.  It made me smile, and thought I’d share:

Thank a Teacher.

Listen 1st, talk 2nd

Learn to dance a jig

Start right now

Continue a conversation OFFline

Take all your vacation days

Dance to your own rhythm

Be a HERO (minus the dorky cape)

Become a bee keeper

Smile first, ask questions later

Follow your heart

Laugh so hard you cry

Eat when you are hungry and Nap when you are tired

Make time for silly

Love what you brew, brew what you love (Jim’s note – this is more than about coffee — think about it)

Enter a pie eating contest

Do it for love, not profit

Grow older without ever growing up

Adopt an animal

And it didn’t stop with the cup.  Even the napkin carries some life wisdom:

Stay awake for:
…maxing out your passport
…ghost stories around the campfire
…playing an instrument
…break dancing
…Luscious, oh-so-delicious chocolate

And finally, a reminder that:

Life’s too short for:
…grudges
…Fake anything
…putting profits before people
…over-roasted coffee
…crabby people
…WiFi you have to pay for (I was typing this on an airport wifi signal I had to pay for, grrrr)
…waiting for change to happen

All this life wisdom for just $1.19.  And they even threw in some hot coffee!

Enjoy your day.  I will.

Summer Reading List: In Search of New Titles

The 2010 Summer Reading List
Nominations NOW OPEN

That’s right; it’s almost time for my ELEVENTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL).  Each year before I take my two-week vacation on the Atlantic shore I solicit ideas for great new reads that you’ve discovered over the past year.  I’m looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS.  I’m especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic.** I will check them out, make my selections, and then share the compiled list with all of you, so you can make your own Summer Selections at the bookstore.

If you’d like to participate, please note the following four points:

1. While I welcome the new business titles, I do so much of that all year, so I am STARVING for some great new titles that will help me escape from reality.  Please share what you’ve discovered!
2. I need your ideas by Monday, June 1 — the Tuesday following Memorial Day – in order to give me time to research and get the list published along with the June 23 edition of my newsletter.
3. Please help me manage my Inbox!  Use this link to make your Subject Line, Summer Reading List 2010.
4. Include in the text three items: Full Book Title (including subtitle if you have it), Author, and a full paragraph explaining why you liked/recommend the book.

**If you are new to my SRL or want to get started early on your summer reading, you can find the past three years (’07, ’08, and my 10th annual, ‘09) on my Archives Page.

I can’t wait to hear your recommendations!  In anticipation, Jim

You’re never too old to learn and grow (I hope!)

Our ability to grow is directly proportional to our ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

–Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life

A recent email exchange within one of my coaching groups addressed our discomfort with being stretched outside our comfort zone.  One of my colleagues, Carole, shared this recent story, which I share her with her permission:

“A few weeks ago my 97+ year old father-in-law died after the loving attentions of my mother-in-law could not sustain his life any longer. Although attempts by my husband and his numerous siblings have been made over the last few years to set up an alternative living arrangement, my mother-in-law was not ready to leave her home but has always been insecure about being alone (you can get locked out of the house just going out to your car to get something when you’re visiting because the doors are always set to the locked position).

Her daughters (one local, the other about an hour away) had been spending a lot of time at the family home as Pops’ days wound down and, for the first several days after the funeral, one daughter literally slept in the same bed with my mother-in-law to allow her to be comfortable staying in the house. Then, the following week, the day came when no one was available to spend the night (several in a row, in fact).

After the first night alone, I called my mother-in-law to see how she had fared. What she said was, “I did all right.” She talked about how she had gotten herself to sleep and how she had handled awaking in the middle of the night. And then, after a pause she said, “I had to prove to myself that I could do this.”

I was instantly struck by the fact that she had probably never anticipated that, at age 89, there would still be new challenges to face and to learning to experience!”"

Carole’s story has been sitting with me for over a week, and I recently revisited it when one of my clients, a 30-something manager who just finished his MBA and has been promoted into a senior manager role, spoke of his discomfort with the frequent change in his workplace, saying, “You worked in Corporate America for a lot of years, Jim.  What’s your guess on when this is going to level off for me?”

I just laughed.  Yes, I’m sorry, it was very uncoach-like of me, but I just laughed maniacally for a minute.  And when I could catch my breath again, I managed to squeeze out one word in between my spasms of laughter:  NEVER!

And then I told him this story about Carole’s mother-in-law.  “this is not about work,”  I promised him.  “It’s about life.  Your experience in the world depends very much on how you view change — is it the enemy, to be resisted and fought at every turn…. or is it, simply, the Way Things Are?”

He withdrew the question. 

Are You Caught In An Emotional Web?

Do you ever feel like you’re “stuck” in a situation or mindset?

When you get stuck it is often because you are off balance in one of the five domains in which you exist as a human being: Intellectual, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, or Interpersonal.

Intellectual - Human beings are the only species on the planet that can Time Travel. How often do you spend time re-living / fretting / obsessing / savoring about your Past? And how much time do you spend worrying / dreaming / fantasizing / creating your Future? If you are stuck in a story about another time, you may find it quite challenging to live, work, and make decisions in the Present.

Emotional - When you get stuck it’s usually because the story you’re telling yourself about the Past/Future or Present evokes a strong emotion. You are always in some emotional state, of course, but the stronger the emotion, the farther you are from the place of rational calm where decisions are easier.

Think of your emotions as being spread out in a web around you (see figure). Each emotional “family” exists on a strand of intensity. As a very simple example, on the Anger strand Irritation is a fairly mild emotion. Frustration is a notch higher, Anger more intense, and at Rage one can spiral totally out of control. The Fear strand might start with low-level worry, escalating to the unreasoning state of Panic. The farther one moves from the center, the more intense the experience – and the more difficult it can be to make rational decisions. Yes, this is true even of the more positive emotions, as you can see from the Love strand.

Think of a spider and their web. Notice spiders always sit in the center of their web. Why? Because that is the strongest place. The farther out on a strand they go, the more vulnerable they become. The best path to any part of the web always runs THROUGH the center.

Physical - When you feel off balance in your body it is a literal experience, e.g. when you lean too far, sit in an awkward position, breathe very high in your body, or exceed your physical limitations (like climbing stairs or running too fast). Your intellectual story and the emotional response that goes with it can also affect your breathing and pulse rate in negative ways.

Spiritual – Imbalance in this domain occurs when you notice a break in the connection between you and the rest of the Universe. It’s not about religion; whether you are a Catholic, Muslim, agnostic, or tree-worshipper, your system craves to feel loved and legitimate in the world. When that is missing, you can feel groundless and unable to act.

Interpersonal - You get stuck around interpersonal issues when it’s about them, them, them. Most relationship problems are rooted not in the other person, but in the thought you have that “they” should change or be different. The more you hold that story (“why can’t THEY change?”) the more out of balance and stressed you feel, because you are essentially making yourself a Victim.

To Get Unstuck, Come Back To Center

A common effect across all five domains is this: the farther you are from your Center, the more likely you will feel stuck, unbalanced, disconnected, or out of control. So let’s explore the nature of Center.

Your Intellectual center is Now. When you come back from time traveling to be fully Present, you are at your most powerful.

Your Emotional center is calm, or Choice. From Calm, you can make better decisions and choose which emotional state will serve you best.

Your Physical center is your solar plexus, just below your navel. The Vitruvian Man (see illustration) demonstrates this. When you shift from autopilot into awareness of your body you ground yourself in the Here and now.

Your Spiritual center is Self-Acceptance, the place where you can say, “I am.” I am, I accept myself with no conditions. I am loved. I have legitimacy, I have the right to exist.

Your Interpersonal center is also You. In any interaction, you are 50% of the conversation… and you are only 50%. So if there’s anything going on in a relationship, what can you control? You – your story, your beliefs, and your attitude toward the other person(s).

I/It versus I/Thou

When your attitude is “I/It,” your relationship to others is transactional, where every conversation is more or less about what you can get out of it. When you hold an “I/Thou” mindset, you hold others in a place of respect that acknowledges their sacredness or legitimacy, where your conversation is, “I am legitimate and you also are legitimate and deserve respect.” An I/Thou mindset pulls you out of victimhood and into Strength. You access I/Thou when you are fully present in your body.

So these are your five centers: – Now, Calm (or Choice), Here, I am, I/Thou.

Exercise: Accessing Your Five Centers

I invite you to engage in an exercise. I want to show how in just a few seconds you can access all Five Centers simultaneously.

To begin, sit back in your seat and place your feet flat on the floor. Become aware of your breath as it enters and leaves your body. As you focus, consciously shift to breathing in and out through your nose.

Feel the rush of air as it races through your sinus cavities. Know that your sinus cavities are just below the part of brain that controls your emotions, the amygdala. From a neuro-biological perspective, when you take in a long, deep breath through your nose you send cool air across the surface of the amygdala, thus cooling it and decreasing blood flow – which automatically calms whatever emotional state you’re experiencing. (For those who do yoga, this is the Ujayi breath – Very powerful.)

Next, move your attention to where your breath goes inside your body. Consciously move your breath deeper into your body, until you can feel it coming all the way down to your physical center, your solar plexus. (To aid in this, you might place a hand on your belly just below your navel.)

Now let’s just take a long, deep breath together. Take the breath in through your nose. And notice how in this one moment, this is all you are thinking about. Notice how that deep breath evokes calm. You are fully present in your own body.

You are, in this moment, aligned in your Five Centers. Now.  Calm.  Here.  I am.  I/Thou.

Pretty cool, huh? Just from breathing…

I invite you to take one more deep breath, and remember how easy it is to pull yourself back from the rest of the universe and center yourself in Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit, Relationships. One breath: Now, calm, Here, I am, I/Thou.

Remember, you are what you repeatedly do. If this exercise resonates for you, make time every day to practice it. In time, your entire system will know what to do when you are under stress: Just breathe!

Choice by Tiny Choice, You Can Change Your Life!

I turned 54 last week. This was a special birthday to me, because there was a time when I did not expect to live this long.

When I was 28 I had heart problems that landed me in the Cardiac ICU at the Cleveland Clinic. While they tried to get my heart rate under control, my cardiologist introduced me to several older men who had the same arrhythmia, but it had not manifested in them until they were older… and they both nearly died on the spot the first time it happened. I remember him telling me, “you will not live as long as these guys did if you don’t take better care of yourself.” I asked the one guy, “How old are you?” 54. He was 54 and he looked like crap.

At the time, I was overweight, stressed, and had “too many” negative medical indicators. Ugh.

So my ’scared shitless’ story took root, and I changed my life, one little habit shift at a time:

• I became disciplined about working out.  At first it was twice a week, then three, and eventually five (that transition took 10 years).
• I lost weight.
• I started watching what I ate, and over the years became a low-carb, meat-free, fresh-foodie (with a dark chocolate addiction on the side).  I did not become a vegetarian overnight — I got there by dropping one food at a time, and adding new foods gradually.
• I dropped my cholesterol by 80 points and normalized my blood pressure through diet.
• I cross trained, did Jazzercise, swam, ran, and lifted heavy things.  Since I”m easily bored, I used variety in my workouts to keep myself motivated.
• I started noticing my self-talk, and gradually re-wrote all my ’stories’ (still workin’ on this today!)
• I started studying happiness.
• I nurtured my optimism.
• I took up yoga (five years ago) and then meditation (three years ago).

And yet…. I realized just last year that I’ve been holding – for many years – the story that “I could die when I’m 54.” And I’ve been (quietly yet definitely) scared to turn 54.

And now, I’m here. And it’s not so scary after all.

And I got here one tiny shift, one new practice at a time.

And, my dear reader, that’s what I hope for you.   You can change your life, Choice by tiny Choice.

Stand Tall. Breathe Deeply. Smile Often!

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