Do You Truly Value Happiness?

Sigh.  I just deleted from my mailbox YET ANOTHER newsletter that promised insights or wisdom about Happiness, yet turned out to be hawking STUFF.  I sometimes feel frustrated that so many marketers — on TV, in print, and on the Internet — hijack the concept of happiness.  Because that’s been happening so much, we’ve gotten to point as a society where we no longer value happiness for… itself.  Seems it always has to be attached to something — an outcome, a promotion, a product, or a ’system.’

The other night I counted commercials across two hours of television, and nearly a third of them directly referenced happiness or being happy (products ranged from Wal-mart & cars to flowers & erectile dysfunction meds).  Even some of the teachers I’ve followed and learned from over the years seem to be abandoning the pursuit of happiness as noble, and are replacing that with a sales pitch.

Am I just naive?  Is it silly of me to believe that Happiness has value in and of itself?  Am I fooling myself into believing that people find value in learning how to live a happier life if that “happier life” can’t be quantified with dollars or the accumulation of product?  Should I give up my quest to provide people tools and practices for experiencing more happiness for it’s own sake?

No.  Because you know what?  On the other side of the marketing street stand many people who are strong enough to resist the message, and who have the wisdom to say, “I know more STUFF won’t make me happy.”   Those are the people to whom I speak.

And I hope that all of you who ‘get’ this message realize how important it is that you value Happiness for its own sake.  As long as SOME of us hold steadfastly to the belief that we can control our own happiness, there is hope for the world.

So, how about if we all take a deep breath together?  Pull your shoulders back and open up your heart, breathe into your deep belly, and say, “I am enough, for now.  I have enough.  I am content.”

Give yourself permission to be happy, for a moment, with just what you have.  And notice how rich you feel!

Practice Does Not Mean Perfect

I practice yoga.

I have to continually remind myself of that notion.  I PRACTICE yoga.  I continually strive to be better at it.  But sometimes, I forget about the “Practice” part, and I try too hard to be Perfect…which is how I’ve ended up with two yoga injuries six months apart.

How can something that is GOOD for me turn ugly?  Well, let me tell you, it ain’t easy.

My Yoga Story

My interest in yoga began eight years ago when my daughter, home on break, asked me to go with her to a Beginners Workshop on the other side of town.  I went, I got hooked.  Over time I have progressed from doing a few poses (or asanas) purely for the stretch value to now practicing intermediate yoga asanas to calm my mind, practice my breathing, and strengthen my ability to be fully present.

The whole point of yoga (which translates as “union”) is to help one connect body, mind, heart, and soul; and to accept and work with one’s limitations.  It is about acceptance.

Oh, and did I mention that when you practice yoga regularly it tones muscles, improves balance, dramatically increases core strength, and FEELS fabulous?  Yes, and that is where I get in trouble.

I REALLY like that physically fit thing.  So, when I do a downward dog, I REALLY do a down dog.  And the leg stretch in Warrior poses?  I have to stretch to the max, and do a PERFECT pose, like the guys in the pictures in Yoga Journal.  Which is how I injured my hips doing yoga last year… and why I now have shoulder problems.

Yes, I over-yoga’d.    Sigh.

Do you REALLY need to be Perfect?

Have you ever done something like that?  Gotten yourself so wrapped up in something you do that you just have to be PERFECT?  Hey, don’t deny it, you have.  It may not have been yoga.  Maybe it was soccer.  Or being the perfect spouse.  Or perfect parent.  or completing the P90X program - twice.  Or gardening to excess.  Or obssessing about fat/sugar/salt in your diet.  Or getting all As in school.  Or playing World of Warcraft.  Or being PERFECTLY Happy?

It’s not about the physical part, it’s about the conversation of needing/wanting to be perfect, to do it right, to follow it all the way to the end.

Be Perfect ABOUT your Practice

Exercising my body, in the end, is not about being perfect — it is about being fully present to the process what’s going on with me.  Being present means that I cannot come onto the yoga mat with an “agenda.” It can actually harm me to be too “determined,” about always getting it “right.” A better approach, I am reminded by one of my teachers, is to approach my yoga practice with equal parts patience and persistence, and to say, “I will do the best that I can, with what I have, today.”

And that is such a lovely approach to… well, just about everything: sports, school, parenting, marriage, diet, video games, and even happiness.  You’ll simply never get it perfect every time, but you CAN be perfect in your practice, always learning, always getting back up and trying again when you fall.

So, as I nurse my inflamed shoulder back to health, I have learned how to modify my down dog so I’m no longer hyperextending my shoulder.  I’m kinder to my hips when I stretch.  And I don’t expect myself to be happy ALL the time.

But I keep practicing!

Do you get “typical results” from your life?

As part of my Marketing homework, I’ve been studying online sales sites - you know, those really long web pages that tell you everything possible about a product or service, with a Buy Now button at the bottom of the page.

A feature common to most such sites is Testimonials, usually from people who achieved to-die-for results:

• I made a bajillion dollars in five minutes after I bought this system!
• I lost 100 pounds reduced my body fat to 2% in just six weeks!
• I got over 1000 applications for my new program in one day!

And so on.  I’m sure you’ve all seen sites like these.  Usually there’s a note tucked discreetly into a dark corner that reminds readers that ‘your results may not be typical.’  Then, I came across this refreshingly candid Disclaimer, on  a site that offers a four-phase workout program:

Please read our awesome disclaimer:  Due to recent statements from the FTC, it is required that we identify what a “typical” result is.  The truth: most people never do anything with the products they buy, so most of the time, their typical results are zero.  The biggest factor is you.  Don’t do drugs; stay in school.  There is no such thing as a Silver Bullet.  I bet this disclaimer would make a good rap song

Typical results are ZERO.  Wow.  Of course, the person who is about to type in their credit card information is thinking, “that’s not me.  I’ll do this.  I’m not like ‘those other people.’   Really?

I’ve read that over 40% of books purchased never get read, and that rate rises to 75% for books downloaded from the Internet.   29% of patients prescribed antibiotics fail to complete the full course of treatment, often because they forget.  Personal trainers report that as many as 25% of appointments are no-shows — even when they’ve already paid for the session!

Fact is, we are creatures of habit, even when our habits hurt us and we desperately want to change them.  We truly WANT to exercise more, improve our minds, get well, and manage time better.  But unless we pay attention to what we are doing EVERY DAY, our new commitment slowly sinks into the muck of routine.

Make no mistake about it: if you want to change something in your life, you must be persistent.  It takes a minimum of 100 repetitions for a new behavior to start feeling ‘normal.’

So … If you want to change your attitude, your fitness level, your time management, your mood, or any other aspect of you, be aware of your human tendency to drift back to old ways.  Build in to your process some accountability checks — electronic reminders in your datebook, post-it notes on your bathroom mirror, working with a partner, having a friend check in with you, etc.  (shameless commerce division: or hire a coach!)

If you PLAN for regression, and build something into your change process to get you back on track, you’re far more likely to make a lasting change.

As the disclaimer above reads, “The biggest factor is you.”

Don’t be typical.

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

If You Think You Can, You Can

Remember Susan Boyle, the frumpy Britain’s Got Talent contestant who wowed the world with her voice and got 6 Million hits on You Tube?  Well, here’s another phenomenal talent video, with nearly as many views… but that you’ve never heard of.

Why?  Because most of the views are from China.

Here’s my shortened version of the backstory that’s making the rounds:

She was a dancer; lost her arm in an accident, went into depression.  Found refuge in teaching dance to children, but never lost her passion.  He was never a dancer; lost a leg in an accident, went into depression.  They met, and she made it her mission to help him become positive about life again.  Through creativity and determination and practice, they found a way to move together, to music.  They struggled, broke up, missed each other, got back together again.

And with the backing of friends and family, decided to enter a dance competition.

Here’s tale of overcoming adversity (if it does not show well on here, view it directly at YouTube)

I am reminded of the wonderful quote by Mary Kay Ash:  “If you think you can, you can.  And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”

I’m glad they tried.

Pay Attention to Your Limitations

“Interestingly, Koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond Koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed in a lake, Koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world.” — Vince Poscente

Koi, of course, are more often known as the common goldfish.  I’ve seen the above phenomenon play out when we’ve taken goldfish won at a carnival from a bowl on a shelf and moved them to our neighbor’s pond.

The funny thing about this self-limiting growth is that the fish is completely unaware of their environmental constraints.  They simply grow into what ever is available to them.  In a like manner, human beings grow into the space that’s available to them, often without being aware of the constraints others have placed on them.  We grow up to meet the expectations that others — and ourselves — have of us.

A big difference between humans and fish, of course, is that the fish will never really be aware — whereas the human has the capacity to notice their environment and intentionally choose to change it.

Do you choose to live your life in a small or big way?  And if you’re not happy with where you are, what are you doing about it?

In happiness, J

Happiness is Eating Healthy!

Since I completed a three-week detox just over a year ago, I’m much more mindful of the food that I eat.  I learned then, and have reinforced many times since, that I am what I eat — when I eat junk, I feel like crap; when I eat good food, everything’s easier in my life, including getting up with a positive attitude.

My wife - while still cherishing the occasional pork chop or hamburger - has essentially adopted my eating habits, and we’ve recently gone as long as four weeks without going to a grocery store.  How do we accomplish that feat?  Well, we find everything we need at a local produce market.

I read some articles recently that used several new terms to describe the way I’ve been eating for the past fifteen months:

• One-ingredient foods
• The Label-free diet
• The outer circle diet

These all describe the same concept:  Choose only foods at the grocery store that have 1 ingredient (this means that eggs, fruits, vegetables, meats/fish (from healthy animals raised correctly), nuts, seeds, and other 1-ingredient foods should comprise almost your entire diet (except for occasional cheat meals — and dark chocolate).

It’s also called the Label-Free diet because you only eat foods that do not require an FDA nutritional label (see above — what’s in eggs? Eggs!  What’s in a peach? Peach!  no label required).

And it’s also called the Outer Circle diet because you can do all your shopping at a typical grocery store by starting in the produce section (almost always in front corner of store) then steer a circle around the outer wall of the store — meats, dairy, etc.  In the middle of the store are all the processed foods with extensive labeling that you must read to even know what you are eating.

Obviously there are exceptions to the above, and there are foods you can buy with more than 1 ingredient still qualify, e.g. guacamole and hummus being two examples of foods made from several 1-ingredient foods and no additives/fats/sugars.  And oatmeal (ingredients: oats) is still in the cereal aisle.

I’ve written before about how my diet — which dramatically reduced my intake of caffeine, sugars, and glutens — has totally eliminated my afternoon sleepiness, the mood swings I used to experience from the sugar buzz/crash cycle, and the frequent heartburn that made me very crabby and unable to concentrate.

This shift has also dramatically heightened my awareness of how my body and emotions respond when I stray too far from what’s good for my body — I get shaky, dopey, irritable, tense, uncomfortable, distracted, and sometimes even downright mean when I eat poorly!

This may be difficult for many people whose bodies are addicted to processed foods… but give it a try for a week.  when you next shop for groceries, try to make sure that you only put in to your cart 1-ingredient/no-label foods.

I’m willing to bet you’ll feel better for that next week!  And a BODY that feels better has more opportunity to experience happiness.

Happiness is Eating Healthy!

Come To Work Happy

A reader from Singapore sent me this cartoon.  Happiness in the workplace is a global concern.  In an era of cost-cutting and bad news, this presents a clever, low-cost strategy for improving morale **

**Funny, yes?  The thing is, studies have shown that even FAKE SMILES can have an impact on mood.  That stems in part from the ‘fake it till you make it’ reality of the Mind-Body connection — when we act a part long enough, we eventually grow into the emotion, so smiling when you don’t feel it will, after a few minutes, lift your spirits a bit because you emotion races to match what you’re doing w/ your body.

The other reason why the Fake Smile exercise works is that other people are more likely to smile back at you when you wear a smile. Because we humans are emotionally contagious, others’ good feelings rub off on you, lightening your own mood a bit.  Cool, huh?!

A Smile really is a powerful weapon in the fight against negativity at work!

Ten Grumpy Things to Like About Today

Had a conversation with a client who was feeling a bit down this morning.  OK, a LOT down — the economy’s nasty, his business is down, his wife may lose her job, his car needs new brakes… you get the picture. Grouse, grouse, grouse.  Ick.

When I challenged him to think of 3 positive things about today, he resisted.  From a place as low as he was, he found it tough to think upbeat.  He plowed on, however, and by the end he came up with ten+ things, and we were laughing together.

With his permission, I’m sharing the list.  Keep in mind this comes from a grumpy person <grin>

1. I’m above ground. Ok, I guess that any day I’m still above ground and breathing is a good day.
2. It’s not winter. I was so sick of last winter, you know?
3. It’s another day closer to my vacation. I SO need a vacation.
4. My plants need the rain.
5. Gas is a lot cheaper than same time last year.
6. My Inbox has less than 300 emails in it, which is good for me.
7. FedEx arrived on time this morning. Don’t you love that?!
8. Water’s running from the tap and electricity’s flowing without interruption, and that’s pretty amazing when you think about it.
9. I can go to the grocery store and buy fresh fruit all year round. That’s even more amazing
10. My wife and my dog still love me. Even when everybody else is crabby, my dog’s always in a good mood.
11. I’m healthy. As long as I have that, I’m good.

What’s positive in your life today?

The Unforgettable Commencement Address 2009

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