What helps you keep your Commitments?

Over the weekend I spent time preparing for one of my volunteer roles, as retreat leader for the Junior class at the high school my four kids attended from 1996 to 2005 (they graduated, I stayed on!)

Part of that job involves training 18 teen Team Leaders to facilitate their peers in several difficult exercises.  Today’s teens live amidst far more distractions than ever, so this year I began requesting a written commitment to the time and practice required to be fully prepared.

Many on the team told me, after the fall retreat, that having to make a commitment to a non-teacher, non-parent adult helped them stay focused on the “homework” necessary to be successful at the retreat.

What helps you to meet your commitments to yourself? 

• If it’s enrolling coworkers to keep you focused, how many conversations have you held and how many requests have you made?
• If it’s “reporting in” to a coach or partner to create a place of accountability, have you checked in recently?
• If it’s keeping a log or journal of your progress, what have you written, today?
• If it’s maintaining a physical practice to build new awareness in your body or emotions, have you done it at least once, today?

Act on your commitment.  Today.  

Are You a Maximizer? Part 1

We were waiting to pay for our groceries and realized we’d forgotten the pasta for that evening’s dinner party.  I raced back down the aisle and… um… did you know there are over 50 different options for linguini alone?  Which will our guests most prefer?  Egg-free, whole wheat, organic, tomato or spinach-infused, fresh or traditional, generic or brand name…??

By the time I returned to the checkout I was in a state of high anxiety from trying to make The Best Linguini Decision. “Don’t ever send me to the pasta aisle alone,” I begged my wife.  She just shook her head.

We’re like this with clothes, too. If I need new pants they must be The Best Deal, so I check ads for sales, visit every rack in at least three stores, try on numerous pairs, then (finally) choose.  Cheryl, on the other hand, will visit one store, try on maybe two pair, and buy one.  Done.

Maximizer versus Satisfier

When it comes to making decisions we all fall somewhere along the Maximizer-Satisfier scale. (to find where you land, take this assessment)

Maximizers need to be assured that every purchase or decision they make was the BEST possible. Yet how to know if any given option is the best?  Research.  Get more data.  Delay the decision.  Talk to friends.  Make the decision, but… then worry about whether it was the absolute best choice.

Satisfiers simply want to make a GOOD decision. Like Maximizers, they set out to meet specific criteria in their decisions and purchases.  The difference is that Satisfiers seek excellence, yet don’t obsess over achieving the Absolute Best.  Once they make a decision that is good enough, they never look back.

Let Go to Feel Happier

A continual focus on making the absolute best decisions can be a core talent but, like any strength, can become a weakness when overused. We live in a world of seemingly infinite choices anymore.  If you are unaware of your own drive to always make perfect decisions, you can end up generally unhappy because you’re constantly shy of a near-impossible standard.

Other ideas to help Maximizers reduce the anxiety of decision-making:

1. Choose when to choose. Decide to restrict your options when the decision is not crucial.  For example, make a rule to visit no more than two stores when shopping for clothing.
2. Learn to accept “good enough.” Settle for a choice that meets your core requirements rather than searching for the elusive “best.”  Then stop thinking about it.
3. Don’t worry about what you’re missing. Consciously limit how much you ponder the seemingly attractive features of options you reject.  Practice by focusing on the positive aspects of the choices you make.
4. Temper expectations. “Don’t expect too much, and you won’t be disappointed” is a cliché.  But that advice is sensible if you want to be more satisfied with life.

I hold high standards for my work, but have learned that striving constantly to create perfection is not only exhausting but it tends to feed my procrastination. To counter my own Maximizer tendencies, I’ve asked others for advice.  Now, when I am working on non-critical project I remind myself that “80% is good enough;” and when it comes to meeting deadlines, I consider the words of thought leader Seth Godin, “Done is better than perfect!”

Next: Maximizer and Satisfier in Leadership

Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

Gratitude Reprised

As the American Thanksgiving holiday approaches, our thoughts turn to Giving Thanks and the emotion of Gratitude.  This emotion is so foundational to the experience of all the Positive Emotions that I believe it is impossible to oversell its importance or speak of it too often.

Gratitude is defined as, the quality of being warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankfulness.

Reminders about the Importance of Gratitude

• Expressions of Gratitude are the bricks of the foundation upon which Happiness, Optimism, Hope, and Joy are built.
• Practiced regularly, Gratitude shapes your worldview toward noticing abundance versus scarcity, since it focuses on what you Have versus what you Lack.
• You bring positive energy to the conversation whenever you speak with others about something for which you are grateful.
• Grateful people make better friends, parents, coworkers, and leaders.
• Finally, when you practice gratitude, you feel more content with the world, no matter what your current state (even unemployed!).

Practice makes Better

If you want to learn the piano or run a marathon, you must practice, practice, and practice.  The same is true of emotional states.  Here are nine intentional activities that will help you live a more Gratitude-filled life.

1.       Keep a Gratitude Journal. This is the most basic and powerful practice in all of Positive Psychology.  Every book on happiness published in the past eight years places this practice at/near the top of the list.  Every day, write down three blessings from the past 24 hours.  Pencil and paper or online journal work equally well – the key is that you write it, not just think it (it makes a difference).

2.       Remember the Bad Times. In his 2007 book, “Thanks,” researcher Robert Emmons noted the value of reflecting on past difficulties  — not to dwell on them, but to appreciate that you survived and are stronger today as a result of the experiences.

[This one resonates for me personally. Viewed in the rearview mirror, some of my darkest moments and biggest mistakes have come to symbolize significant turning points or deep learning that would not have been otherwise possible.  In the words of Helen Keller, “Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”]

3.       Say, “Thank you.” Those who say ‘thank you’ more often than ‘please give me….’ experience higher life satisfaction.

4.       Three Square Meals.  A good friend of mine takes a moment before every meal and says three things he is grateful for since his last meal (and he is the most grateful person I know!)

5.       Appreciate Someone.  Every day, let a person in your life know you are grateful for them, and why.  Even if you only do this weekly, in a year you’ll have sent 52 notes.

6.       Build a Gratitude List. Start with a list of 25-50 things for which you are grateful.  Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list (challenge yourself to reach 100!).  Pull the list out and read it for a quick pick-me-up whenever you feel down, sad, or ungrateful.

7.       Wear a Body of Gratitude. With feet flat on the ground, pull your shoulders back and your head up, open your palms toward the person you are facing, and take a deep breath.

8.       Fill a Gratitude File.  Every time you receive a thank you note, place it in your file.  In email, create a folder to store these.  When you are having a bad day open the file and, as you read, feel the warmth of other people’s appreciation wash over you.

9.       Notice the Invisible and the Infrastructure. When was the last time you gave thanks for the fact that the lights actually go on when you flip the switch?  Or that your faucet flows with clean, drinkable water?  Or that you can live without fear of being assassinated in your home?  Much of the world’s population still lacks these life basics, so take a moment to appreciate what may have become invisible to you.

Happy Thanksgiving.  And in case you’ve not heard me say it before, my dear Readers: I am grateful for you!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offer specific practices to strengthen your “happiness muscles.”  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your refrigerator, and have extras handy for when your guests read it on Thanksgiving and want their own copies!

I Don’t Want to be a Superstar; I just want to be ME!

I wish inspirational commercials like this were actually run on television, where they could reach more people and offer positive messages in the media.

It’s a minute and a half, and the most powerful message comes right at the end: I don’t want to be a superstar; I want to be better than that. I just want to be me!

NINE STRATEGIES TO AVOID HAPPINESS

Nine Strategies to Avoid Happiness: How to Live as a Victim and Still Control the World!

1.     Take Everything and Everyone for Granted. After all, it’s their job to take care of you, right?  Practice rudeness, then sneer at the ones who can’t handle it.  On those rare occasions when someone meets your impossibly high expectations, be sure to point out something that wasn’t perfect, even if you have to make it up.
What to Avoid: Never say “Thank You” or express Appreciation for anything.  Gratitude totally kills the buzz of a bad mood.

2.    Cultivate Pessimism. The world is a dark and dangerous place; make it your mission to remind people of that.  No matter what anyone suggests, frown and say, “That will never work!”  Scan the global weather channel daily so when people say “good morning” to you, you can remind them of a recent earthquake, typhoon, fire, or flood.
Exercise: Practice slumping, frowning, and rolling your eyes to deepen your skill.

3.    Use Social Comparison as a Weapon. When you notice any positive self-talk happening, immediately think of someone who is smarter, prettier, or more skilled than you – that will tamp down Self-Confidence before it gets out of control.  When a coworker receives recognition for their work, ice that down quickly by pointing out, “I’ve seen better.”
Child-rearing Tip: when your child brings home an essay or artwork, put on a Sad face and say, “too bad you’re not talented like <insert name of a friend> is.”

4.    Never Give Anyone a Break. Make ‘No’ your favorite word.  Never give of yourself, and for heaven’s sake avoid volunteerism.  Performing Acts of Kindness releases serotonin in your brain, which makes you feel better – and that’s the last thing you want!
Bonus Tip: Being mean to someone in public carries causes most bystanders to feel a little Depressed or Angry all day.  Double your impact!

5.    Push Other People Away. Isn’t it annoying when your family and friends try to “take care of you?”  Stay strong!  Keep declining invitations until they stop coming; then complain about Abandonment.  If you must attend, sit in a corner and whine about something irrelevant.
Special note about pets: Avoid warm-blooded pets, which tend to form icky Emotional bonds.  If you must have a pet, get a lizard, fish, or something with a reptile brain – there’s no risk they will ever care about you!

6.    Reject Simplicity. CNN apparently thinks you can handle three to six simultaneous streaming data feeds, so stay connected to The Grid at all times.  Respond to every email or call immediately (your global clients will be impressed when you respond at 4AM your time).
Special note: When you slow down and allow yourself to enjoy just one thing in the present moment, you risk allowing Happiness and Joy to take root.  So keep it complex!

7.    Avoid Commitment. According to Barry Schwartz’s work on the Paradox of Choice, having more options does not make us happier; in fact, we get more stressed.  So keep your options wide open!  Shun goal-writing exercises, as those create undesirable consequences like greater focus and discovery of your life purpose.  Live randomly and put off decisions until you have 100% of all data (which of course will be…never).
Bonus: Lacking a strong foundation, you need never Respond rationally to anything; instead, you will strengthen your Anxiety muscles and get really good at living in React mode.

8.    Sit Down! Did you know that studies of clinically Depressed people prove consistent exercise raises Happiness levels as much as Zoloft?  This is why you must guard against Wellness (a thinly disguised conspiracy to control your life).  Skip all health seminars, and when they start distributing salads and pedometers in the company cafeteria, drive to lunch at McDonalds.  Look, if your Physical energy improves through better Self-Care, it will naturally pull up your Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual energies, and you can’t let that happen!
Caution: If you accept even a tiny responsibility for personal Well-Being, it’s a slippery slope.  Soon you’ll be expected to manage your own Happiness, too, and how unfair is that?!

9.    Nurture Resentment. Never let go of anything.  Remember, Forgiveness is for weaklings.  It takes a determined person (like you) to hold on to all those old slights – real and imagined — and still endure the new crap that’s getting dumped on you.
Take it a level deeper: Plan regular time to Obsess about someone who wronged you in the past.  Daily attention ensures your negative emotions remain at a constant simmer, burning away your immune system.  You’ll get sick more often, of course, which will give you lots of opportunity to Hate those people who did this to you!

Remember, Practice builds stronger muscles.  Exercise at least one of these nine daily, and soon you’ll find yourself snugly tucked away at the bottom of the Deep Dark Pit of Despair, finally safe from all those nasty “happy” people who, by the way, are totally out of touch with the way the world really works.

But you know the Truth, don’t you?  BWAHAHAHA!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offers the opposite of what you want.  DO NOT VISIT http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm to download them.  If you practice any of those 13 habits, you’ll never achieve your goal of UNhappiness.

You always have the Power to Change YOU

Do you have things or situations in your life that cause you to go, “ugh!”?

I call them Tolerations — things you “put up with” in your life. Because they are often small and invisible, they create stress without your awareness; they drain your energy.

Happiness Principle #6 reads: Tolerate Nothing. Continually identify and eliminate all the little “stuff” which causes you friction and drains your energy.

When I introduce people to the concept of Tolerations they often list issues they are tolerating, but then they get overwhelmed when they consider how much WORK it’s going to take to address them.

No.  Stop.  It doesn’t have to be about you changing them — it’s about you changing YOU, which is a lot easier.

Here’s the thing: people are people, and situations are situations. They are neither good nor bad, hard nor easy.  It is your ASSESSMENT of a person or situation that creates your stress, and many times the easiest way to reduce your stress is to change the story you tell yourself.

Example: For several years, my gym time overlapped with that of a guy I’ll call “Greg.” Greg worked out six days a week, and was in superb physical condition, via swimming, weights, and cardio work.  AND Greg was a neat freak/germophobe.  Each time I crossed his path he would comment on a leaky sink, the odor in the bathroom, insufficient hot water in the showers, etc, etc.  I regularly agreed with him, and we’d have a little pity party….

And I would leave the gym feeling stressed and a little down.

What Greg said was true — stuff wasn’t working. Also true: this was a 60-year old YMCA building, and Greg issues were related to the aging facilities.  One day this situation came up in my tolerations work, and I realized I was whining.  So I adjusted my thinking and my behavior.

In working on myself, I also became aware of what Greg was doing. So I asked him, “If you have so many problems with the place, why do you keep working out here?”  Greg looked at me with surprise.  His first reaction was, “I’ve been coming here for years!” and I came back with, “So have I, Greg… and I cannot think of a time when these were not issues.  You are arguing with reality.  Do you realize that you are tolerating these conditions?”  “Tolerating?”  I explained what I meant, and he pondered that as he dressed and left.

I never saw Greg again at the YMCA. However, we traveled in overlapping business circles, and two months later I saw him at a networking event.  He came over to shake my hand and said, “You were right.  I obsessed about that place, and yet I had the power to change the situation all along.  I found another gym that I like better.  Thank you for showing me that I was putting up with the situation.  It was not them that needed to change – it was me!”

And that’s the point of Tolerations. If you are unaware of something that is draining you, it will continue to Zap your energy. The tolerations exercise gives you the opportunity to say, “that bugs me,” out loud, and really acknowledge it.

Once you do that, you have choices that you did NOT have when it was invisible to you.  You can CHOOSE to remain and whine about it, OR…you can choose to take action, make a plan, make a request of someone else, or even…

…change your thinking about it. Note the contrast between how Greg and I experienced the same reality – shower facilities occasionally smelled and needed constant repair:

• Greg thought, “It should not be like this.  This is wrong.  I am suffering.”  And he took action to find a new place.
• I looked at the same situation and thought, “yes, there are breakdowns constantly; AND they keep it clean and the price is reasonable, and I am willing to accept the tradeoffs.”

We CHOSE different, yet equally effective paths: I let go of the toleration by changing my story, while Greg eliminated the toleration by changing his environment.

Notice that what changed in both situations was US – first, awareness, then making a new choice.

Do This For Yourself

What are you tolerating? Download the complete exercise here.

If you removed a few tolerations, how much better might you feel? Think about it.  Less burdens to carry.  More energy and capacity to focus on what’s important.  More space to feel happiness and contentment rather than the anxiety and stuckness that often accompany tolerations.

And who doesn’t want to be happier?

Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/resources/articles/HP06-TolerateNothing.pdf for complete instructions and a Tolerations worksheet

Drop me a note to tell me what YOU notice when you acknowledge your tolerations. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

Apply the Learning of the Masters to your Goals

When I entered the rotunda of the Galleria dell’Accademie in Firenze (Florence) for my first live look at this Italian icon, it literally took my breath away. 17 feet tall, sleek and powerful, Michelangelo’s David is truly a marvel — accurate down to the veins on the back of his hands and the chipped toenails on his feet, I fully expected him to start breathing any second.

“This,” I thought, “is a work of brilliance!” Ah, but there’s more to the story, as I learned.

Inspiration AND Perspiration

The European Renaissance was a time of great innovation marked by a surge of new knowledge and captured in architecture, sculpture, music, and painting.  Before I visited Italy this spring, I imagined gifted Renaissance masters spending their days in sunlit studios, painting or sculpting great works of art in a flowing, effortless climate of creativity and support.

The truth, I learned, was far from my fantasy. Many of those whom we now call Masters were, in their time, mere wage slaves, often struggling to live on a fixed budget set by a wealthy patron who wanted a specific project done on a deadline.  Good oil paints, gilt, quality canvas, and fine Carrera marble were not cheap, so these artists were very careful in their use of resources.

Out of necessity, then, they spent long hours preparing for their commission. A painting would be sketched in parts and done in miniature to work out spacing many times before moving to a larger field.  Then there would be endless pencil and charcoal sketches before final application of oils and gilt onto the final medium (e.g. wood, canvas, or the dome of a cathedral).

Sculptors followed a similar process. First, multiple sketches; then multiple miniatures of different sizes and in different poses and in different media (e.g. clay, stone) and with varying levels of detail attended to in each piece, so that by the time they put chisel to marble they literally “knew” the work in their head, hands and heart.

Practice is the surest path to Mastery.

I now appreciate that the works of the masters really was WORK. Sure, some of them were brilliant.  Yet it was their attention to the tiny details that led to “perfection.”  Before he created the David in its full splendor, Michelangelo made hundreds of sketches and miniatures, gradually increasing in size and detail.  The final product, then, was not a singular act – it was the manifestation of practice, practice, and more practice.

Apply the Learning of the Masters to YOUR Goals

Follow the example of the Masters to improve your probability of success:

1. Picture your goal. 80% of your brain’s processing is visual, so writing or drawing what you want brings your goal alive.
2. Create it in miniature. Big, life-shifting goals generally flop because your system can’t shift that much, that fast.  Break your goal into tiny pieces you can implement one at a time, to see how they “fit” into your life/work.
3. Get feedback. Share your progress with others, both for support as well as for ideas to make it better/easier.
4. Adjust, adjust, adjust. The “marble” of your current habits may not cut exactly as you planned, so don’t be afraid to tweak your design as you go so that it fits into your current reality.
5. If it’s not working for you, take it as a lesson and move on.  The most moving artwork I saw in Italy was Michelangelo’s “Unfinished Slaves,” a major commission he never finished.  Yet he saw them as a great accomplishment, because he learned so much from the process.
6. Ground it in your bones. Work on some part of your goal every day.  The journey is about progress, not perfection. Some days you’ll finish a mural – other days a single brushstroke may be all you can do – yet your constant attention will build goal intimacy.
7. Risk, learn, and grow. Michelangelo was a sculptor, and he resisted taking up a brush – yet today the Sistine Chapel is considered his greatest performance.
8. Finally, find the Joy. In the end, choose goals that take care of your passions and feed what YOU really want from life, career, and relationships.

Achieving Mastery of you and your life is simple, yet not easy.  Good luck on your Master’s journey!

Exercises to Strengthen Your Emotional Muscles

Once you’re aware that you have the power to manage your own emotional state, how might you get better at it?  What comes with awareness and observation are more sophisticated/purposeful skills.

I offer the following simple exercises, each focused on a strengthening a different dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

SELF AWARENESS

• Watch Your Emotions: For 2-3 weeks, diary your emotions. After every interaction, take 1 min to give that interaction a “score” (e.g. thumbs up, down, neutral, or a number 1-10) on effectiveness, then name the top 1,2,or3 emotions you felt during that interaction.  (over time, you will notice patterns — which emotions you spend more time in, trigger situations, etc).  Awareness is crucial to deepening your emotional intelligence
• Practice centering. Stand Tall, breathe deeply, connect to the ground, and feel into your Confident body

SELF-MANAGEMENT

• Practice Deliberate Emotions: Identify one or two emotions OTHER than calm/confidence that you would like to inhabit more often. What is the body and breath and story/assessment that go with that emotion, for you? Practice moving yourself into that intentional emotional space once or twice each day.
• Practice Recovery (Note: play carefully, here!): Find a safe space, e.g. at home, or alone in office. with intention, shift into anger, irritation, or some other emotion that gives you trouble, usu by reliving an incident/story. Give yourself a couple minutes to hold that intensity (it helps to set a timer, first). Notice all the visceral signs of that emotion in your body, breath, pulse, thinking, etc. When timer goes off, practice releasing that intensity and moving yourself back to center/calm. (Strengthens your ability to return to calm/center under stress)

EMPATHY/Other Awareness

• Strengthen Awareness: While sitting in meetings, act as observer of each of the other players or at least the key players. Without any assessment as to right/wrong or good/bad, see if you can identify — from language, body language, tone, other visible physical signs — what mood or emotional space that person is in. Do this several times during a meeting, noticing changes. (Strengthens ability to read others).
• Advanced: same exercise, except apply to the overall GROUP mood/emotion. Which person(s) appear to be the stronger influences on that group mood? (P.S. we often do this without realizing we are doing it.  The focus here is on picking up the “mood of the room” with intention).
• Check Awareness: In conversation with others, try to identify/name the mood you are feeling from them. Check your assessment by asking, “You seem ______. Am I reading you correctly, in this moment?”  (Refines your emotional radar)

RELATIONSHIPS/INFLUENCE/Other Management

• Mirroring/Drawing: When in conversations with others, selectively try one of the following:

A) purposefully mirror the mood/emotion of the other, thru standard mirroring techniques, e.g. matching body posture, energy, speed of speech, etc. Notice what effect that has on the conversation, when you Match

B) do the opposite of A — purposefully choose a DIFFERENT space, and shift into that in your speech, energy, non-verbal language, tone, etc. Hold that space with intention. Notice what effect it has on the conversation when you Draw the other

(This pairing is a training exercise/practice for negotiation, e.g. sales conversations, any situations where you seek to influence someone else — a frequent focus for leaders — or where you are striving to hone your facilitation skills, which include being able to shift the emotional space when appropriate)

The Endless Smile Loop

This is how human beings work.  We infect others with our emotions, and in turn are infected by theirs.  Emotions are viral.  Here is how it works:

Smiling makes you more attractive and more sociable.  Others perceive you as more trustworthy.  You feel better about yourself and about others.

So, tell me again, what’s the downside of focusing on something as simple as a smile?  Hmm.

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