The Point is to Live the Question

At a recent coaching conference, a wise colleague shared a very powerful practice: the 10-Year Question.

In coaching, questions are the primary tool: the probe, the lever, the dynamite that can explode a story, the key to unlocking awareness.  What sort of question, I thought, could take ten years to answer?  That would be a powerful question, indeed!

“So,” we asked eagerly, pencils poised above our notepads and journals, “what is the 10-Year Question?”

Fact is, a question that powerful does not come from the coach, it comes from the client.  Here’s the question I can ask as a coach: “what is a question that is so big that it will take you 10 years — or more — to completely answer it?”

Are you getting it, now?  It’s YOUR question.  It’s the question you have not dared to ask yourself.  It’s the deep question that you’ve probably ignored in the busy-ness of getting things done.  It’s the question that does not have a clear answer.  Indeed, it may not have any answer.

What is point of asking a question that does not have an answer?  Practice. practice holding the question and notice how the question affects everything you do — the decisions you make, the paths you take, the conversations you find most compelling, the things you become curious about, the part of you that choose to explore.

I met a friend for lunch; I gave her the 10-year question as a “gift” and she sent me a lovely magnet with the following quote, which eloquently captures the spirit and power of a 10-year Question:

“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”

~Rainer Maria Rilke (German poet, 1875-1926)

So, what’s YOUR 10-year question?  And what will happen when and if you have the courage to LIVE that question?  I”m still working on mine….

Pay Attention to Your Limitations

“Interestingly, Koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond Koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed in a lake, Koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world.” — Vince Poscente

Koi, of course, are more often known as the common goldfish.  I’ve seen the above phenomenon play out when we’ve taken goldfish won at a carnival from a bowl on a shelf and moved them to our neighbor’s pond.

The funny thing about this self-limiting growth is that the fish is completely unaware of their environmental constraints.  They simply grow into what ever is available to them.  In a like manner, human beings grow into the space that’s available to them, often without being aware of the constraints others have placed on them.  We grow up to meet the expectations that others — and ourselves — have of us.

A big difference between humans and fish, of course, is that the fish will never really be aware — whereas the human has the capacity to notice their environment and intentionally choose to change it.

Do you choose to live your life in a small or big way?  And if you’re not happy with where you are, what are you doing about it?

In happiness, J

Ten Grumpy Things to Like About Today

Had a conversation with a client who was feeling a bit down this morning.  OK, a LOT down — the economy’s nasty, his business is down, his wife may lose her job, his car needs new brakes… you get the picture. Grouse, grouse, grouse.  Ick.

When I challenged him to think of 3 positive things about today, he resisted.  From a place as low as he was, he found it tough to think upbeat.  He plowed on, however, and by the end he came up with ten+ things, and we were laughing together.

With his permission, I’m sharing the list.  Keep in mind this comes from a grumpy person <grin>

1. I’m above ground. Ok, I guess that any day I’m still above ground and breathing is a good day.
2. It’s not winter. I was so sick of last winter, you know?
3. It’s another day closer to my vacation. I SO need a vacation.
4. My plants need the rain.
5. Gas is a lot cheaper than same time last year.
6. My Inbox has less than 300 emails in it, which is good for me.
7. FedEx arrived on time this morning. Don’t you love that?!
8. Water’s running from the tap and electricity’s flowing without interruption, and that’s pretty amazing when you think about it.
9. I can go to the grocery store and buy fresh fruit all year round. That’s even more amazing
10. My wife and my dog still love me. Even when everybody else is crabby, my dog’s always in a good mood.
11. I’m healthy. As long as I have that, I’m good.

What’s positive in your life today?

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience.  After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself.  Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥

This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride.  She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters.  She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.

Take a look at her blog post, here

I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation.  Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web.  I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country.  Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.

♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥

Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme.  I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.

My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.

So the message I brought back into my conversations is this:  If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first.  And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural.  Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.

And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.

So, how might you love yourself more?  What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable?  (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”).  What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into?  Identify a few of those, and start practicing.

As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.

In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim

Mood and Language: which comes first?

In a recent coaching teleclass a participant asked, “is it our mood that creates our language, or is it the words and stories we use that create our mood?”  She was looking for a neat and crisp definition of how people work.

It ain’t that simple.  Figuring out how people work is like solving the Chicken or Egg puzzle – which came first?

The answer to the above question is not either/or; it’s Yes.  Both.

Our head (and our language and stories) and our heart (our emotions/reactions) and our physical self (behavior, non-verbals) are inextricably connected – each affects the other two.

The mood or emotion we’re in affects our behavior and it influences what we say and what we think.  Our thoughts/language lead to the emotion we’re in and also affect our behavior.  And of course our behavior leads to consequences that subsequently influence our reactions and stories.

A recent comic strip illustrated this principle beautifully.  It’s called Non Sequitur (distributedby Universal Press Syndicate).  Some context is important.  The main character, Danae, is a very wise 10-year old girl who wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with a skull, and she is always in a foul mood, believing that everything wrong in the world is the fault of a conspiracy spawned by “booger-brained boys.”

• Frame 1: Danae stands with a smile on her face and thinks: “I’m in a good mood today… I wonder why?”
• Frame 2: “Hmmph… oh, well” she says out loud, and she skips merrily down the street, passing Timmy, a boy who lives nearby.  He turns around and says, “Geez, why’re you in such a foul mood?”
• Frame 3: Startled, Danae asks, “what?” “you said ‘hmmph’…” “So?”  “It sounds cranky” “does not” “If you say so…”
• Frame 4: “Hey, I was in a GOOD mood!”  “Ahh.. ‘was’… past tense…” he says, turning away.  “No… I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!!”  “Then why are you shouting??”
• Frame 5: “’CUZ NOW I’M IN A BAD MOOD!” she screams, black smoke and a death’s head emerging from her mouth. And as Timmy walks away he says, “Hmmph… Well, I was in a great mood ‘til you came along”

I love this strip, although I’m sure the illustrator was not thinking of modeling ontological principles when he wrote it.  He demonstrates first how the mood affects thinking and behavior; then how different language changes the mood and then the behavior – of both parties!

Who we are and how we show up is a constant dance and balancing act between what we think, the emotion we’re in, and what we do.  To live a happy life we must monitor ourselves in all three areas and recognize that even minor shifts in one can transform the other.

Some examples:

• Shifting our “story” about other people’s motives can cause us to move from suspicion to trust to calm to worry… and how we react to those people will vary based on the mood we put ourselves in.
• Taking a few deep breaths can calm both our emotions and our thinking.
• Moving fast and getting caught up in being busy-busy-busy can shift our mood to anxiety and focuses our thinking on what’s NOT done versus what we have accomplished.
• If we are “feeling good” and run in to another person who’s having a bad day, we can hold fast to our own mood by carefully monitoring our language to avoid picking up the conversation that other person wants to pull us into.
• Wearing a smile pulls our emotions up and opens our thinking

So, the answer to Which? is Yes.  If we want to live a balanced life, then, we must attend to all three areas: the stories we tell ourselves and others, the emotions we’re feeling, and how we interact with others.

Have a happy one; and remember that YOU are in charge of how you experience life today!

Nothing is Good or Bad

“…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Hamlet, Act II Scene 2

This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites… and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy.

Events are just events.  Stuff happens.  That’s it.

THEN…we create a story to explain that event.  In our “story” we interpret what happened and make up reasons why it happened, and that story evokes an emotional response from us… and suddenly an event is labeled: good, bad, ugly.  And we feel sadness, optimism, fear, anger, appreciation, frustration, concern, etc

Not from the event, but from our thinking about the event.

In the past week I’ve coincidentally had two separate coaching conversations in which the subject was betrayal – one work-related, the other personal.  Both parties showed up in the coaching conversation with a bubbling stew of negative emotions — Which they’d cooked up themselves, by the way.  And in both cases I coached them to step away from their story and examine a few others.

Example: Another person (X) failed to keep a promise (this is a fact).

Possible interpretations:

• (original story) X has harmed me.  X did it on purpose to hurt me.  I’m angry.  X is always trying to make me look bad.  What have I ever done to deserve such treatment?  I’m gonna watch for my opportunity to get back at X….  (down the path to rage and vengeance)
• X let me down.  I feel betrayed.  I have this big presentation coming up, and now I’m not ready, because of X.  This is going to be a disaster (down the path of embarrassment)
• X has harmed me.  That’s not like X; this is unusual.  I hope everything is OK with X.  Maybe I should give X a call (down the path of concern/empathy)
• X is so unreliable.  Why did I ever believe X would do as promised?  I am such an idiot for ever believing X.  Why am I so stupid?  I’m so bad at reading people.  (down the path of self-loathing)
• This is the third time this has happened with X.  I need to sit down with X and understand why this is happening.  I must renegotiate the promise (down the path to determination)
• The track record of X shows that promises made by X are not meaningful.  I did not really expect X to deliver.  So this is no big deal.  I’ll just have to complete it myself in time for the presentation.  (down the path to acceptance)

Each of these is a valid interpretation.  Notice how each one, however, creates a very different emotion and response.

I’m not ever saying that one story is ‘more true’ than another…I just invite my client to explore other possible stories, and consider if there are valid explanations other than the one that they are hanging on to that is harming them and keeping their emotional stew on a slow boil.

In this particular situation, my client – after creating the above options – chose to pursue the path of determination, and instead of simmering in her office she sat down with X to express disappointment and then immediately renegotiate (“what’s it going to take to have this done by tomorrow at end of day?”).  She realized that hanging on to her anger was hurting only her.  X was blissfully unaware of the concern, and when approached about the broken promise X apologized and confessed to not realizing how important the project was.

So in the end, much of her original story was fiction, and the emotional stew was self-cooked.

Creating Your Own Good from Bad

Does the above ever happen to you?  (of course it does.  You’re human!).  So when you find yourself sitting in assessment and stewing in your own emotional juices, turn down the heat!  Step out of the situation for a moment and consider OTHER possible stories and interpretations for the event.  Maybe select a different story that allows you more control of the situation, and lets go of blaming the other person for your own emotional reaction.

And then take a deep breath.  Remember, it’s only your thinking that makes it good or bad.  So change your thinking when you need to, and have a happier day.

Communicating Unhappy News

As more and more companies must make the difficult decision to reduce staff and send people packing, I’ve had many leaders come to me and ask for advice on what to tell people when they ask questions. When people suspect a lay off is pending, they shift into constant anxiety.

Yet too many top leaders, for their own reasons, insist on “keeping mum” as the official management policy. And it’s the leaders who are frustrated with that policy who come to me and ask, ‘what should I do?’

I usually tell them, “you may be asking the wrong person!” I’ve gotten myself in trouble on numerous occasions for sharing information with my team that was not “supposed” to be shared. Of course, on the flip side, I’ve generally had great trusting relationships with my teams, whether I was running a 12-person financial unit or a 100-member service team. So it’s a balancing game: please the boss and support secrecy, or improve loyalty and retention of team members. It’s not been a difficult choice for me, ever… but just so you know.

By now I’m sure you’ve guessed my counsel to those managers. Here’s my philosophy: In the absence of news, people will make up their own. Do you want them to believe the rumors or the truth? I also passionately believe that people prefer to hear difficult news directly from their manager. When you are sharing the bad news as well as the good news, people trust you more and won’t be looking for hidden agendas.

Plus, I happen to subscribe to the ‘they are all adults’ story… and they are not stupid or blind, so pretending nothing is happening is simply not a smart option.

Bruce Hennes is a local Crisis Communications expert — he goes in to help companies when big things blow up.  While his work is generally around embarrassment and scandal, I love how his tips for great crisis communication work for many common issues, as well.  Bruce’s coaching around any sort of bad news is to NEVER, EVER try to keep it secret — it will only blow up on you. So his top three rules are:

1. Tell the Truth (they are going to discover it, anyway!)
2. Be the First (let them hear it from you, not from others)
3. Tell it all (share what is known)*

*About #3: don’t wait till you have all the facts. Tell what you do know — and what you don’t know. And if you’re sharing opinion or conjecture, make it clear that it’s just your opinion/guess. That way if reality pans out differently, people will still trust you.

Bruce says that the more YOU talk about an issue (following the above), the faster it goes away.  But once the rumor mill (or the media) have it, they will make up anything that’s missing, and sometimes the story they create is much worse than the Truth!

Over the past month I ‘ve coached leaders at two companies thru this very process.  At one organization they had to eventually lay off 20% of their workforce, but the process was going to take two weeks to fully develop. I urged them to keep sharing everything that was firmly decided as it was decided (rather than waiting till the last minute as people were being sent home), and everyone — those laid off and those who survived — felt much better about the process. Sad? Yes. Betrayed? No.

For many who work in organizations today, the news is grim and the conversations difficult.  How can you keep from falling into depression?

Here’s how: Pay attention to how you’re carrying yourself. You and your coworkers/team may not be able to control the business, but you can always control you, how you respond, etc. You can still be an optimist. Some things are falling apart, yes, AND some things are still working. What you give the most attention to will determine your ability to function and lead through it all.

In happiness, J

Tough Choice

I could not resist pulling this two-minute video onto my blog.  It resonated with me because, of all the leadership challenges that come up in coaching and training conversations, this is the most common area of concern (I can’t tell you more without giving away the twist).

This is part of a new series of humorous looks at Crucial Conversations posted by Vital Smarts.  It’s certainly a novel way of getting out the word!

Now that you’ve watched it, we can talk.

I deliver several different workshops on Communication and Coaching, and the PA conversation seems always to be at the heart of “concerns.” Sad, AND true.

Truly, how many of you carry this same perception of the Performance Appraisal experience? Guess what — LOTS of people feel this way.

Thanks goodness we can laugh about it. Now, what might we DO about it, so this is not such an unhappy process for so many people? How might we show up differently as leaders so that it’s an easy choice?

Something to think about.

What’s the Best Piece of Advice You Ever Got?

“What’s the best piece of advice you ever received?”  A TV interviewer asked this of her guest recently, and that question got me thinking about how I’d respond.

My mother always used to say, “if you love what you do, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” It took me a couple decades to figure out exactly what that advice meant for me, but since I figured it out my stress levels dropped permanently.  Today, the twin passions of helping leaders grow and creating more happiness in the world are at the core of everything I do, and the more true I am to those passions, the less what I do feels like work.

Another piece of advice that changed my life came from a woman who was my mentor for many years.  Tiona said, “you can’t change other people; you can only change how you respond to them.” This advice helped me become a much better leader during my corporate career, and has helped me tremendously in my career as a coach.

What’s the best piece of advice you ever got?

Are You as Happy as You Want to be?

Are you are as happy as you want to be?  Have you “succeeded” yet still find happiness elusive?  Do you sometimes feel “stuck” in your career or your life, without a clear path to what’s next for you?

If those questions caused you to pause for a moment, I invite you to read on.

What is Happiness, and Why Should You Care?

I define happiness as wanting what you have. Happiness, then, is an inner state; the quality of being joyous, glad, or contented.

Who cares?  Well, studies in the field of Positive Psychology look at the cause-and-effect cycle of “positive emotions,” e.g. gratitude, joy, hope, contentment, optimism, love, and, of course, happiness. Those studies show that that people who experience more positive emotion in their lives are:

• More RESILIENT. They hold up to stress better, and recover from negative or traumatic situations more quickly.
• More CREATIVE. They typically see more options available to them and are more comfortable trying new ideas and experiences.
• HEALTHIER.  Happier people get sick less often, and when they do they bounce back more quickly.

The good news: anyone can learn to experience more positive emotions in their life by engaging in a variety of skill-building exercises.

You see, our emotions function like our muscles. When we work out regularly, our muscles grow larger and stronger; if the emotions we most often exercise are worry, anxiety, and fear, those moods dominate our lives. Our positive emotional “muscles” need to be worked out to help them grow stronger.  The more often we seek out and experience positive emotions (happiness), the greater our capacity to deal with the future.

For example, keeping a gratitude journal helps strengthen your awareness of the blessings in your life. Other “exercises” for your emotional self can include:

• Learning how to breathe differently, e.g. deeper vs shallow breathing supports a different set of emotional responses
• Shifting how and where you carry energy in your body (calm energy resides in a different place than the energy of purpose, action, pain, anxiety, creativity, and so on)
• Noticing the reactions you have to various people or conversation topics (e.g. that coworker who always “pushes your buttons”) and gradually introducing a new response on both physical and emotional levels
• Changing the language you use in conversation.  Simple changes in the words you use can yield amazing changes in how you feel and the quality of your interactions

As a coach, I work with people who want to show up differently in the world.  The above are some of the tools I use with my clients to make the changes they seek.

Where’s this article coming from, you might ask… Well, I had a conversation yesterday with someone who appeared to get irritated with me, and said, “why would I need a coach to help me do all that? I can do it myself!”

My response:  “If you can do it yourself, then why are we having this conversation?”

You see, knowing is not the same as doing.  We benefit from having people outside of our world to help us understand who we are and how we are really showing up in that world.  That’s why I have several coaches.  That’s why Oprah Winfrey has a coach. And Tiger Woods.

A personal coach is a resource to help you achieve more in the world than even you believe possible.  In a world gone CrazyBusy, I know I can use all the help I can get!

How about you?

Jim Smith, PCC, is a personal and executive coach.  He works with clients who want to change how they show up in the world — because they “have it all” but still aren’t happy.