Exercises to Strengthen Your Emotional Muscles

Once you’re aware that you have the power to manage your own emotional state, how might you get better at it?  What comes with awareness and observation are more sophisticated/purposeful skills.

I offer the following simple exercises, each focused on a strengthening a different dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

SELF AWARENESS

• Watch Your Emotions: For 2-3 weeks, diary your emotions. After every interaction, take 1 min to give that interaction a “score” (e.g. thumbs up, down, neutral, or a number 1-10) on effectiveness, then name the top 1,2,or3 emotions you felt during that interaction.  (over time, you will notice patterns — which emotions you spend more time in, trigger situations, etc).  Awareness is crucial to deepening your emotional intelligence
• Practice centering. Stand Tall, breathe deeply, connect to the ground, and feel into your Confident body

SELF-MANAGEMENT

• Practice Deliberate Emotions: Identify one or two emotions OTHER than calm/confidence that you would like to inhabit more often. What is the body and breath and story/assessment that go with that emotion, for you? Practice moving yourself into that intentional emotional space once or twice each day.
• Practice Recovery (Note: play carefully, here!): Find a safe space, e.g. at home, or alone in office. with intention, shift into anger, irritation, or some other emotion that gives you trouble, usu by reliving an incident/story. Give yourself a couple minutes to hold that intensity (it helps to set a timer, first). Notice all the visceral signs of that emotion in your body, breath, pulse, thinking, etc. When timer goes off, practice releasing that intensity and moving yourself back to center/calm. (Strengthens your ability to return to calm/center under stress)

EMPATHY/Other Awareness

• Strengthen Awareness: While sitting in meetings, act as observer of each of the other players or at least the key players. Without any assessment as to right/wrong or good/bad, see if you can identify — from language, body language, tone, other visible physical signs — what mood or emotional space that person is in. Do this several times during a meeting, noticing changes. (Strengthens ability to read others).
• Advanced: same exercise, except apply to the overall GROUP mood/emotion. Which person(s) appear to be the stronger influences on that group mood? (P.S. we often do this without realizing we are doing it.  The focus here is on picking up the “mood of the room” with intention).
• Check Awareness: In conversation with others, try to identify/name the mood you are feeling from them. Check your assessment by asking, “You seem ______. Am I reading you correctly, in this moment?”  (Refines your emotional radar)

RELATIONSHIPS/INFLUENCE/Other Management

• Mirroring/Drawing: When in conversations with others, selectively try one of the following:

A) purposefully mirror the mood/emotion of the other, thru standard mirroring techniques, e.g. matching body posture, energy, speed of speech, etc. Notice what effect that has on the conversation, when you Match

B) do the opposite of A — purposefully choose a DIFFERENT space, and shift into that in your speech, energy, non-verbal language, tone, etc. Hold that space with intention. Notice what effect it has on the conversation when you Draw the other

(This pairing is a training exercise/practice for negotiation, e.g. sales conversations, any situations where you seek to influence someone else — a frequent focus for leaders — or where you are striving to hone your facilitation skills, which include being able to shift the emotional space when appropriate)

How do you react when your world view is challenged?

WARNING: THIS POST MAY CAUSE YOU TO REACT STRONGLY – OR NOT. Please read the notes in blue before you read the main article.

This post is not about happiness, but it is about coaching. It is about noticing something about yourself — specifically, how do you react when you are confronted with something that really pushes your buttons?

I follow Seth Godin’s blog.  Seth is a prolific, creative, and in-your-face-highly-provocative thinker.  He challenges other’s perspectives.  He provokes and argues opposite angles.  I follow him because much of his work is in marketing, an area I study for my business.

A couple days ago, Seth published a piece that really challenged my thinking. When I followed the links to his data sources, I discovered some really vitriolic comments and a lot of fear and anger… not because of Seth, but because of the topic.   I had to read his post and the source articles several times to even absorb the message, because it is so wildly different from my world view and what I believe.

WHY AM I RE-POSTING HIS STUFF?

Because this is at the heart of real change. One the most significant obstacles to real change in human beings is that we believe stuff — and when our core beliefs are challenged, we tend to react by either ignoring new data that disproves our beliefs OR we vehemently argue against the new belief, to prove that we are right.

In my coaching, I help my clients step back and OBSERVE themselves, and notice their own beliefs and their behaviors and reactions. When you can observe yourself objectively, you become incredibly powerful at making new choices, considering new possibilities, or changing your behavior.  But first, you must NOTICE how you react and how you believe.

I invite you to read this post AS A COACHING EXERCISE.  If you are curious, follow the links to the Stats and the Images (below).  I do NOT advocate one point of view over another, but I ask the same question as Seth does:  How does this resonate with you?

Again, I am not making a statement — this is just a coaching exercise. See my questions at the end, in blue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The triumph of coal marketing

Do you have an opinion about nuclear power? About the relative safety of one form of power over another? How did you come to this opinion?

Here are the stats, and here’s the image. A non-exaggerated but simple version of his data:

For every person killed by nuclear power generation, 4,000 die due to coal, adjusted for the same amount of power produced… You might very well have excellent reasons to argue for one form over another. Not the point of this post. The question is: did you know about this chart? How does it resonate with you?

Vivid is not the same as true. It’s far easier to amplify sudden and horrible outcomes than it is to talk about the slow, grinding reality of day to day strife. That’s just human nature. Not included in this chart are deaths due to global political instability involving oil fields, deaths from coastal flooding and deaths due to environmental impacts yet unmeasured, all of which skew it even more if you think about it.

This chart unsettles a lot of people, because there must be something wrong with it. Further proof of how easy it is to fear the unknown and accept what we’ve got.

I think that any time reality doesn’t match your expectations, it means that marketing was involved. Perhaps it was advertising, or perhaps deliberate story telling by an industry. Or perhaps it was just the stories we tell one another in our daily lives. It’s sort of amazing, even to me, how much marketing colors the way we see the world–our reaction (either way) to this chart is proof of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, end of Seth’s post.  Here are your questions:

1. Were you able to OBSERVE your reaction, or were you subject to your reaction?
2. Were you able to respect this point of view as a valid one (even if you disagree?) or did you feel compelled to immediately argue with it?

If the latter, pay attention, as you may be doing that in many parts of your life and be totally unaware of how rigidly you see the world.  This is not about being right or wrong, but about being able to hold multiple, sometimes conflicting view points so you can hold more reasonable conversations and make your decisions from a more informed/wider base.

OK.  Take a deep breath.  Thanks for playing the Leadership Game.

Do it backwards for a Change!

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a rut, seemingly unable to change a habit or a feeling? Have you heard the quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” and thought, “What does that mean for me?”

One way to creatively approach any stubborn situation is to Reverse It – do it backwards, upside down, or from an opposite point of view.  The Reverse It technique pulls you out of the fog of Habit and helps you notice or shift things that were not possible when you were following your usual process.

I use the Reverse It technique in many areas of my life. For instance, when I find myself getting bored with my fitness routines, I can change up simply by starting at the end.  When I walk, I nearly always turn left out of my driveway, but when I turn right instead I have a totally different walking experience.

What are some ways you might Reverse It to shake up a part of your life that you want to change?

1. Instead of trying to take a deep breath to calm down in the middle of a tough conversation, try taking a minute BEFORE the conversation to calm and center you.
2. If getting to the gym is not working for you on your current schedule, flip your visit to the other end of your day and see if shifts your motivation and/or energy.
3. Start a few conversations by stating what YOU want instead of first dancing around and trying to figure out what the other person wants.
4. Park at the back of the lot instead of the front, and use the extra minute of walking to let your body warm up.
5. Come in to a building via a different entrance and notice how things look from a different perspective. For example, enter your workplace via the customer/patient entrance vs. the employee entrance.  Or use the front door vs. the side door of your church/temple and notice the new view.
6. If you’re rushed in the morning, but then spend an hour glazed over in front of the TV at night, try reversing that hour of your day – move up your bedtime and “flip” an extra 30 minutes into your morning.
7. Instead of waiting for someone to recognize or appreciate you, reverse the conversation and take time every day to offer a compliment or gratitude to someone else.

When you change the way you approach a situation, you create new points of view that can lead to different outcomes and different emotions.

An Action Step

Back to that quote:  stop the insanity of repeating old, ineffective behavior!

Pick an aspect of your life or work that is “not working” for you right now.  Step back and ask, “In what way(s) might I Reverse this to create a different motivation, reaction, or perspective for myself?” Then put that opposite into practice a few times and notice what you learn from the experience.  If your outcomes change, then you have a winner!

Change Starts With YOU

New habits can be tough to change in the workplace. People like predictability. When you show up differently – even if the change is for the better – it is still different, and you may feel pressure from others to go back to how you were “before.”

Still, change starts with you. Choose a specific situation, conversation, or relationship that sometimes creates difficulty or unhappiness for you. Notice how you behave or choose in that situation. Now, notice the internal conversation you have with yourself each time it occurs. Finally, try shifting that conversation to something more positive.

An executive client was having difficulty working with his CEO because he felt the boss was too hard to pin down. His perception was that the CEO changed her mind too often and was unable to make a decision. He found himself so focused on taking notes and analyzing ideas that he was constantly exhausted after their meetings.

We looked at the situation from different angles and my client considered the fact that the CEO, a high-energy extravert, was perhaps just “thinking out loud” and did not need him to create action plans. So he shifted his internal conversation from, “Oh no, here we go again” to “Let’s have some fun with this!” He stopped taking notes and began to practice active listening when the boss went off on tangents.

A few weeks later she thanked him for being such a great listener, saying, “I really appreciate being able to talk things over with you. Sometimes I just need to sort out the issues before I talk with the rest of the team.”

Practice does not make perfect. Practice does, however, build capacity and can serve to recalibrate us at whatever level we aim.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who stretches new “muscles” and practices new behaviors that improve their relationships with others.

Lead With Questions

One of the oldest and most enduring leadership models in business today is Situational Leadership (SL), developed by Blanchard and Hersey several decades ago.  The SL model works with the stages of learning through which we all progress when we take on a new task.  The four stages (these are in my own words) are:

1. Clueless
2. Learner
3. Competent yet not Confident
4. Expert

The core lesson of SL is that people at different stages of learning need their leader to treat them according to their situation, or where they are on the learning journey. Someone brand new, who is Clueless, needs a manager to explain everything and provide specific instruction.  A manager who likes to direct and tell people what to do is quite effective for beginners.

Once an individual starts to learn a task, however, a good leader will gradually back off on Telling and shift to Asking questions as a primary tool for motivation. Learners need supportive questions like “What do you already understand?” or “Are you ready for the next step?”  The Competent-yet-not-Confident person needs a coach who will ask, “What do you think the best answer is?” or “What do you need from me?”  Finally, the Expert – who fully understands the task – needs little more than, “Can you take care of this?  Thanks.”

Why are questions such a powerful tool for leading? Because people are motivated in the workplace when they have the opportunity to learn, grow and contribute.  Questions allow people to be part of their own learning, to solve their own problems, and demonstrate their competence.  A manager who insists on telling people what to will destroy motivation and build an environment in which people stop caring — who needs to think if the manager Knows It All?

The best tool for leading is a good question asked at the right time. Leaders who Lead with Questions build positive workplace cultures that allow everyone to feel like they are part of the conversation and that their opinion counts.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who shows up in curiosity and seeks to bring out the best in others by challenging them with Powerful Questions.

Never Underestimate the Power of Kindness

I received a phone call from a friend who just landed a job.  That news, by itself, was cause for celebration!

But the real reason for his call surprised me.

He’d come up to me at church one week and asked if he could meet me for coffee sometime — his treat.  (I’ll meet with most anyone who offers me free coffee, so I said Yes).

He’d been in an executive role, was now unemployed, and his search dragged on with little hope.  He was toying with the idea of doing some consulting, as an alternative to a traditional job.  I remember that during our meeting I listened and helped him brainstorm a bit.  I probably suggested a few contacts and strategies, but I must confess that the meeting was not very memorable for me.

Over the next few months I ran into him at several professional networking events, including some that I’d suggested to him.  I rejoiced with him when he landed a consulting gig.  Every so often he gifted me with a small package of some new, exotic coffee bean he’d come across — which I attributed to our shared love of fresh-ground dark-roasted coffee.

When he called today, I felt positively overwhelmed by the strength of his gratitude for my help. Apparently, that initial conversation last year helped to pull him out of a deep funk into which he’d descended.

His call reminded me of the power of Kindness — in this case, saying yes to a meeting and providing moral support and a listening ear.

It also reminded me that we don’t always recognize when we are doing something meaningful for another person. Sometimes just offering a smile or a listening ear to someone who’s having a bad day feels so easy” yet has a huge impact.  Perhaps the best strategy is to show up, always, with respect and a willingness to be of service.

And in case no one’s told you this today — I appreciate you!

When a Coach Can Help

Today’s guest blogger is Marcia Yudkin**, one of my Marketing Mentors.

When we drive, most of us know when we’ve reached our destination as planned or realize that we’re lost. We don’t need a driving expert to tell us we’re holding the steering wheel wrongly, heading north to go east or annoying others on the road.

Business is much more complicated. Destinations are no longer clearly marked.  We can be lost without realizing it or think we’re lost yet actually be moving ahead nicely.

Without a clue, we might be going around in circles, about to run out of gas where we can’t refuel.

An experienced business expert – consultant, coach or mentor - has observed people like you, knows common and uncommon signs of trouble, understands subtle relationships between cause and effect, and can tune into what you know but don’t realize that you know.

When does it make sense to ask for help from a coach?

• When you are floundering, feeling confused or stuck in a pattern that feels wrong.
• When you can’t see why you’re not getting the results you’re aiming for.
• When you’re humming along and your inner voice wonders about your direction, methods or progress

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~

One of the most common questions I get when I speak about coaching is this:

Why would I need a coach to help me do something I can do on my own?

My response:  If you can do it yourself, then why isn’t it already done?

Think about it! And have a great day.  Jim

**the first part of this post is from The Marketing Minute, by Marcia Yudkin, Marketing Expert and Mentor.  I read her weekly Marketing Minute newsletter and get a nugget of wisdom just about every week!  You can subscribe at http://www.yudkin.com/markmin.htm

The Questions We Ask Shape Our Life

The best questions are open, invite exploration, and inspire a positive, appreciative perspective of a situation. They help us tap into our wisdom, expand our understanding and, best of all, place us in the emotion of Curiosity.  Whether you are working on a plan, facilitating a meeting, coaching an associate or client, or supporting a friend, good questions will facilitate a better conversation.

Below I share some of my favorite provocative, positive questions to help you explore the year ahead. Pick just one or several, and make space in your life to sit with the question(s) for awhile.  I promise that a written response to ANY of these will shift you to a different space for 2011.

Awesome Questions to Consider for 2011

Questions to answer one time

• What do I value?
• What do I want to learn this year?
• What promises will I make to myself?
• What does my “wise self” say to start doing a bit more of each day?
• What am I aware of, right now?
• What do I want, right now?
• How do I stop myself from having that, right now?
• Why is that important to me?  (ask this five times, e.g. “and why is THAT important… etc)
• What is missing for me, that I will take care of this year?
• What do I already know, that I’m not using?
• What assumptions am I making about this situation (or person)?
• and What would happen if I dropped those assumptions?
• What must I be doing more often to be comfortable that I am growing?
• Where might I ask for help/support?
• What is missing for me?
• and the companion, What will I do about that in the next year?
• What is a small step I could take – to which I could commit 100%?

Questions to answer 100 times

(write one of these at the top of a page, and keep writing till you’ve answered it at least 100 times.  Prepare to be surprised at what you learn when you get past the predictable and really start pushing yourself!)

• Who am I?
• What do I do?
• What do I offer the world?
• What brings me Joy?
• What makes me laugh?
• What am I putting up with in my work or life (that I’m no longer willing to tolerate)?
• What do I believe to be true?
• What is my passion?
• What am I grateful for? (What are the blessings in my life?)
• What have I accomplished in my life?
• and the flip side, What will I accomplish in my life?

10-Year Questions

(these you can revisit over and again and the answers will continue to shift)

• What do I want to be in the world?
• What sort of leader am I becoming?  (or parent, or person, or…)
• What is my invitation to others?
• Now that <this> has happened, what else is possible for me?
• What will I die for in order to keep alive the things that matter?

What is YOUR most awesome question, the question that really rocks your world and makes you think?  Click here to send me your favorite.

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness are really about asking yourself a series of questions, like, “How am I living my Values?”  “How might I build my Reserves?” and “To What am I Paying Attention?”  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and use it to coach yourself and others to Choose Happiness.

If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading

People don’t like to be uncomfortable. I cannot recall the last time I had a conversation a leader where the subject of “difficult conversations” about performance did not come up as one of their most feared situations.  Second to that is concern about telling people that “change is coming.”  Meanwhile, we face the reality that forward progress inevitably requires change, and change itself is uncomfortable.  What’s a leader to do?

If you want to be effective as a leader, you’ve got to get over yourself. While you may prefer to spend all your time in a happy, comfortable world where everyone does their job well and processes always work, that is, in the end, a fantasy world in which your role is unnecessary.  The raison d’être – the core justification – for your job is to solve problems, to declare new futures, to reallocate resources, and to name the elephants in the room.

In other words, your role by definition requires that you create discomfort, both for you and for others. I’m not advocating for “control freaks” or for those with anger issues to run amok in the workplace, because those behaviors create a dysfunctional form of discomfort.  I’m simply reminding you that you must, in today’s fast-moving world, continually stir the pot of change, and regularly challenge your team members to step up their game – and hold people accountable for delivering on their commitments.

In order to create discomfort, you must regularly practice that emotional state; you must become friends with unease, concern, nervousness, and even trepidation. When you become intentionally familiar with those emotions in small doses, you will gradually strengthen your ability to manage them.  You will find yourself more capable of holding difficult conversations because you’ll be confident in your ability to “live through the experience.”

How do you “practice” feeling comfortable with discomfort?

1. Start by having small conversations about minor concerns. Address little performance issues as they occur, so that the conversations can be about improvement versus “your job is in jeopardy.”
2. Rehearse your conversations with a coach or colleague. Many times the fear of delivering a difficult message dissipates when you speak it aloud in a practice session – so by the time you have the ‘real’ conversation, your system is already used to the message.
3. When a change is imminent, start talking with people about the high-level issues and direction even before you know all the details. By the time the final details emerge you and the team will have already gotten gradually used to the idea(s).
4. Have difficult conversations as quickly as you can after an issue emerges. 90%+ of the “drama” and discomfort comes not from the issue but from your thinking (and thinking and thinking) about it, and creating stories about what might happen.  Act before your imagination freaks you out.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who can step into the discomfort of a difficult conversation, knowing that on the other side of that discomfort lays greater potential for progress, accomplishment, and a more positive workplace experience.

You’re never too old to learn and grow (I hope!)

Our ability to grow is directly proportional to our ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

–Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life

A recent email exchange within one of my coaching groups addressed our discomfort with being stretched outside our comfort zone.  One of my colleagues, Carole, shared this recent story, which I share her with her permission:

“A few weeks ago my 97+ year old father-in-law died after the loving attentions of my mother-in-law could not sustain his life any longer. Although attempts by my husband and his numerous siblings have been made over the last few years to set up an alternative living arrangement, my mother-in-law was not ready to leave her home but has always been insecure about being alone (you can get locked out of the house just going out to your car to get something when you’re visiting because the doors are always set to the locked position).

Her daughters (one local, the other about an hour away) had been spending a lot of time at the family home as Pops’ days wound down and, for the first several days after the funeral, one daughter literally slept in the same bed with my mother-in-law to allow her to be comfortable staying in the house. Then, the following week, the day came when no one was available to spend the night (several in a row, in fact).

After the first night alone, I called my mother-in-law to see how she had fared. What she said was, “I did all right.” She talked about how she had gotten herself to sleep and how she had handled awaking in the middle of the night. And then, after a pause she said, “I had to prove to myself that I could do this.”

I was instantly struck by the fact that she had probably never anticipated that, at age 89, there would still be new challenges to face and to learning to experience!”"

Carole’s story has been sitting with me for over a week, and I recently revisited it when one of my clients, a 30-something manager who just finished his MBA and has been promoted into a senior manager role, spoke of his discomfort with the frequent change in his workplace, saying, “You worked in Corporate America for a lot of years, Jim.  What’s your guess on when this is going to level off for me?”

I just laughed.  Yes, I’m sorry, it was very uncoach-like of me, but I just laughed maniacally for a minute.  And when I could catch my breath again, I managed to squeeze out one word in between my spasms of laughter:  NEVER!

And then I told him this story about Carole’s mother-in-law.  “this is not about work,”  I promised him.  “It’s about life.  Your experience in the world depends very much on how you view change — is it the enemy, to be resisted and fought at every turn…. or is it, simply, the Way Things Are?”

He withdrew the question. 

« Previous Page — Next Page »