Imagine you lose all your data

Imagine you lose all your data.

Your inbox, gone.

Your sent file history, gone.

Your backups, deleted.  Yes, even your redundancy fails you.

What would you do?

It happened to me, today.  Gone.  Pfft.  Part systemic failure, part ignorance, part assumption (I believed it could not happen)

Here’s the thing — for ten years, I have struggled to clean out my Inbox.  I have dreamed of an impossible time when my inbox might be empty.

So now, when I should be FREAKING OUT (!!!) I find myself, strangely, calm.

Zen-like.  Deep breathing.  All my years of practicing calm in times of stress has kicked in, and once I realized that there was, truly, nothing I could do, I just — Breathed.

I achieved a lifelong goal, as the aftermath of a digital disaster.  And I’m OK. 

P.S.  If you sent me an email in the past week and I owe you something, please resend!  :~)

Are You a Maximizer? Part 1

We were waiting to pay for our groceries and realized we’d forgotten the pasta for that evening’s dinner party.  I raced back down the aisle and… um… did you know there are over 50 different options for linguini alone?  Which will our guests most prefer?  Egg-free, whole wheat, organic, tomato or spinach-infused, fresh or traditional, generic or brand name…??

By the time I returned to the checkout I was in a state of high anxiety from trying to make The Best Linguini Decision. “Don’t ever send me to the pasta aisle alone,” I begged my wife.  She just shook her head.

We’re like this with clothes, too. If I need new pants they must be The Best Deal, so I check ads for sales, visit every rack in at least three stores, try on numerous pairs, then (finally) choose.  Cheryl, on the other hand, will visit one store, try on maybe two pair, and buy one.  Done.

Maximizer versus Satisfier

When it comes to making decisions we all fall somewhere along the Maximizer-Satisfier scale. (to find where you land, take this assessment)

Maximizers need to be assured that every purchase or decision they make was the BEST possible. Yet how to know if any given option is the best?  Research.  Get more data.  Delay the decision.  Talk to friends.  Make the decision, but… then worry about whether it was the absolute best choice.

Satisfiers simply want to make a GOOD decision. Like Maximizers, they set out to meet specific criteria in their decisions and purchases.  The difference is that Satisfiers seek excellence, yet don’t obsess over achieving the Absolute Best.  Once they make a decision that is good enough, they never look back.

Let Go to Feel Happier

A continual focus on making the absolute best decisions can be a core talent but, like any strength, can become a weakness when overused. We live in a world of seemingly infinite choices anymore.  If you are unaware of your own drive to always make perfect decisions, you can end up generally unhappy because you’re constantly shy of a near-impossible standard.

Other ideas to help Maximizers reduce the anxiety of decision-making:

1. Choose when to choose. Decide to restrict your options when the decision is not crucial.  For example, make a rule to visit no more than two stores when shopping for clothing.
2. Learn to accept “good enough.” Settle for a choice that meets your core requirements rather than searching for the elusive “best.”  Then stop thinking about it.
3. Don’t worry about what you’re missing. Consciously limit how much you ponder the seemingly attractive features of options you reject.  Practice by focusing on the positive aspects of the choices you make.
4. Temper expectations. “Don’t expect too much, and you won’t be disappointed” is a cliché.  But that advice is sensible if you want to be more satisfied with life.

I hold high standards for my work, but have learned that striving constantly to create perfection is not only exhausting but it tends to feed my procrastination. To counter my own Maximizer tendencies, I’ve asked others for advice.  Now, when I am working on non-critical project I remind myself that “80% is good enough;” and when it comes to meeting deadlines, I consider the words of thought leader Seth Godin, “Done is better than perfect!”

Next: Maximizer and Satisfier in Leadership

Don’t Use these Four Dirty Words at Work!

Here are four words that you should not tolerate in the workplace:

FAKE – this is toxic for a leader.  If you do not show up in an Authentic way, people will sense it.  Be genuine.

FEAR – when we are uncomfortable, we tend to withdraw.  Leaders must step into the DIScomfort of difficult conversations, doing what is right in the face of their fear.

FINE – is the enemy of great.  When someone tells you they are “fine,” sit down and find out what’s wrong, or what you can do to help them move forward.  If the project status is “fine,” seek what will make it fabulous or excellent!

FAIL – if you cannot tolerate failure, you stifle learning.  Give permission — to self and others — to fail forward.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who refuses to accept from their teammates anything less than their best — and who allows people to fail as part of the learning process!

Think beyond what you believe

185 voices from 58 countries, individually recorded then mixed into a single choir. While some lament how the internet separates, this video shows us how we can be part of something far greater when the internet serves as a means to connect.

I recently discovered Eric Whitacre, a classical composer/conductor, through his TED talk on the creation of a Virtual Choir.  (also worth the time to view!). This was his vision.

This made me smile, and I share it with you in that spirit. I challenge you to think beyond what you believe.

Are you your own worst critic?

I was reminded by this 2 minute video of my own habit of undervaluing myself and my contributions. It’s a human thing — we all do it. Let this be a reminder that you — yes, YOU — have brilliance in you!

Obvious to you. Amazing to others. from Derek Sivers on Vimeo.

Tell Your Team that You Love Them!

THE GIFT OF GREAT EMPLOYEES

Recently, one of my clients was stunned by the resignation of a star employee – a woman he’d been developing for an executive role, possibly even as his successor.  He told me he was meeting with her in a few hours to discuss what he might do to keep her.  Then he shared, “I’m going to let her know that she was being groomed for a top leadership spot.”

“You mean to say,” I asked, “that you’d never told her she was on your high-potential list?” Apparently that discussion had never taken place.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I climb onto a soapbox and repeat this message: Tell your people – ESPECIALLY your best talent – how much you love them!

Do you remember how much time and attention you lavished on your best and brightest hires when they came on board? How you carved out time to meet with them during orientation, and rearranged your schedule to spend time in training and nurturing the relationship up front?  And then what?  If you’re like many managers, you got busy let your relationship with them shift to low-grade maintenance.

In other words, there was a point when you started to take them for granted. Big mistake.  While the economy may still suffer in many ways, the reality is that most talented people still have lots of options.

Practice Annual Re-Recruitment

Years ago I learned of the process called “Annual Re-recruitment” — and I share it again in the hope that you might avoid having to engage one of your top high-potential people in the conversation of, “what can you do to keep you?” after they’ve already given notice.

Annual Re-recruitment is stunningly simple.  All you need do is identify the top 15-25% of your people and sit down with each of them for a few-minute conversation**, in which you say, “I’m so glad you are here.  I value your talent and your contribution, and I hope we are letting you know that often enough.  I want you to be with us one year from now.  What will it take for that to be true?” Your own words may differ, but hopefully you get the idea.

Don’t assume people know you value them, unless you tell them directly and often!

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who seeks to build enduring relationships with good people, and who makes it a priority to deliver positive feedback and give people the opportunity to learn and grow.

**And don’t even think about saying, “Jim, I don’t have the time.”  Because then I’m going to ask you, “Oh, but you DO have the time to update the job description, interview multiple replacement candidates, set aside time for onboarding, and then repeat the training process all over again?”  Nuh, uh.  If you don’t have the time to spend nurturing relationships with your best people, then something is awry, and to figure out what, just look in a mirror.  If you call yourself a leader, then behave like one!

You won’t be good at what you don’t do

You would probably not expect yourself to place well in a swimming race if you only got into the pool once every six months. And if you need to generate custom reports from the accounting software, you’ll probably seek training and experience so you can increase your comfort with the programming parameters.

When you engage in ANYTHING on a frequent basis, you become better and better at it, and it becomes easier.  This statement applies whether we’re speaking about a physical skill (like running or ice skating), an intellectual skill (like learning a language or mastering a new software), or an emotional skill (like providing feedback, or sharing feelings in a situation).

You know this is true. So why, if you want to become better at dealing with conflicts and other uncomfortable people situations, do you actively avoid the practice?

“Difficult conversations” come under the third category, emotional skills.  Difficult conversations are usually only difficult because you don’t have them as often, so your skill sets are not as well developed.  Yet if you engage with more frequency in conversations about small concerns (like an unclear email or a small mistake made or a single chore not performed), you will find that your comfort level and skill level both increase, and eventually the “difficult conversations” become easy.

Stop telling me you’re uncomfortable. Do it. Try it. Practice it. work through your mistakes and “sore muscles.” Then come back and tell me about your performance.

You won’t be good at what you don’t do.

You Can’t Change Other People

“You can’t change other people. You can only change how you respond to them.” I first heard this life lesson from a mentor when I was a newly minted supervisor 30 years ago. At the time I was struggling with how to manage several very difficult personalities on my team. What I learned in that important conversation with Tiona has served me in many, many life situations.

People are who they are, and you can’t change that. Yet how much time do you spend trying? If you’re like most people, a lot. And you probably find that your efforts, like mine, lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment, maybe anger, and sometimes even guilt. And frustration, lots of that. Because what’s the matter with you, that you can’t “help” them see the “right” way to see the situation, or the “right” way to behave?

There’s nothing wrong with you – you just need to shift your focus from them back to yourself. E.g., What story are you telling yourself? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? What would you rather be doing in the conversation?

A story to illustrate: Last week I attended a business-networking event where I met several new and interesting people. One of them, Patrick, is upbeat and full of energy, and we immediately fell into a spirited conversation. We are both into self-improvement and believe in the power of Positive, so we discovered much we had in common.

At one point, Pat spoke of a situation where he’s having problems remaining positive. He owns a small business that employs a dozen people and for which he is the primary rainmaker/sales person. He loves his work – most of the time. His primary contact at the company’s largest customer is a very aggressive (and sometimes almost nasty) manager who constantly seeks to provoke his “opponent” in every conversation. From experience, Pat believes that this client interprets any sign of weakness as a signal to “go in for blood and finish the kill.” Pat figured that going eye-to-eye with this guy was the only way to survive – so when the client pushes, he pushes back. The tactic seems to work, but Pat feels drained by encounters, and dislikes having to behave that way.

“So,” he asked me, “how can I influence him to change?” I smiled. Then I offered the same advice that began this article: You can”t change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

The story Pat’s telling himself is, “I must stand up to this guy – that’s the only way I can succeed.” Thus he’s approaching every meeting in a mood of intimidation mixed with determination, and his habitual reaction has been to match aggression with aggression, which makes every conversation a battle in which he must hold his ground.

“What would you rather be doing in the conversation?” I asked. Pat said he’d like to get the business but without feeling like he’s been in a fight. So I showed him two simple practices that may help him to succeed in a different way.

First, the verbal skill of Yes, And… This is the foundational language skill we see in Improvisational acting, where the goal is to embrace what comes at you, then build on it to keep the action going. Yes, And is the opposite of Yes, But. Rather than trying to push back on everything this client says, try Accepting it (the Yes) and then Building on what he says (the And…). In other words, let it be a conversation rather than an argument; and notice what happens.

I also taught Pat a quick physical skill to help him shift his presence in the conversation. Pat’s instinctual reaction to his client’s aggression is to Resist. The way this shows up in his body is that he plants both feet, squares his shoulders, and leans forward – sort of like a lineman in US-style football.

The part that works here is his footing – both he and his client need to feel that Solidity. But by always facing off with the client, Pat is constantly “taking a hit,” or absorbing all that negative energy, which is why he feels tired.

So we worked to combine Flexibility with Solidity. I had Pat keep his feet solidly planted, and pull one foot back just a few inches. Then I had him pivot slightly at the waist so that he faced me at an angle. This small shift allows him to deflect the hit, or watch it pass, rather than taking it on the chest.

This physical shift can allow Pat to embody the spirit of Yes, And… as well as support an emotional shift from aggression (solid and inflexible ) to assertive (solid yet flexible). If Pat changes how HE shows up in the conversation, the conversational dynamic will shift even if the other person remains as stubborn as before. And hopefully Pat can emerge from his next negotiation with a contract AND his energy intact!

Do This For Yourself

Is there someone in your personal or professional life with whom you wish to have a different (aka better) relationship? Work through these steps to create a new response for yourself.

1. What story are you telling yourself about that other person? e.g. Joe always does this… or Chris never does that…
2. What emotional state does that invoke in you, even before you start? When you acknowledge your emotion, you give yourself more power to change it.
3. What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? Do you shrink, tense up, get quiet, turn sarcastic, push back, panic?
4. What would you rather be doing in the conversation? Use your power to choose. Name the feeling you’d like to hold when you are in relationship with that person – in other words, how do you want to feel when you are around them? Confident? Caring? Loving? Valued? Accepting? Calm?
5. What body posture would match that feeling? How would you stand, sit, or breathe? Would you be leaning forward, or back? Where would your center of gravity land?
6. Practice the new posture and the new story for awhile, in non-stressful situations, to help your system get used to it.
7. Then try it in the real conversation, and notice what happens when YOU show up in a different way!

Remember: you are half of every conversation; if you shift, so will that next conversation.

Assertiveness: You Can Do This!

Any emotion that you WANT to experience more can become more natural if you play the role, or practice it, more often.  Let’s look at assertiveness.

In assertiveness, you are able to stand up for yourself or your position from a place of confidence. When you practice assertiveness, you are more likely to get your own needs met and your questions answered without anyone else ‘losing.”

For example, do you ever find yourself in a situation where someone asks, “Are there any questions?” and no one speaks? But you have a ton of questions?  Guess what – it’s very likely that others have concerns or questions similar to yours, but no one wants to be the one to extend the meeting or admit they aren’t completely clear.  99% of the time when someone asks a good question, other people in the room feel relieved because THEY are confused about the same issue, but could not find the courage to raise their hands.  When you do, you will be seen as a little bolder, a little more confident… and you’ll often affect how things roll out.

Or how about when a manager says, “we need a couple people for this task force?”  Do you think, “It will be a waste of time.  I don’t have the energy,” or do you raise your hand to get involved?  When you say Yes to small opportunities, there is risk, e.g. you can mess up, fail, get blamed for what’s not working, and have extra stress in your life.  On the other hand, there is an upside:  you’ve also just put yourself in a situation where you can influence the final decision, learn something new or learn it before others do, make new contacts outside your primary job, and get experience being a spokesperson — all benefits of being assertive!

You can’t win if you don’t play.

The Ohio Lottery for years has used a marketing tagline that says, “You can’t win if you don’t play.”  So get in the game.  Start small. Speak up in situations within your team before you stand up in front at the next all-company meeting.  Or maybe volunteer for a short-term project team to get your feet wet before you try to get on that six-month task force.  Practice, practice, practice pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in tiny ways, even at home or in your community.

And then notice how much stronger your assertiveness muscles become. Notice how others start to look to you to be their “voice” in confusing situations.  See how your willingness to take little risks can help you be more comfortable taking big ones.  And finally, notice how those are all leadership behaviors, that will help you in all areas of your life.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who practices even a bit of risk-taking and uses their personal capital to help improve the culture or conditions in the workplace.  And the more you stretch your assertiveness muscles, the more you grow.

Questioning the Need for Answers

I fear that one of the biggest obstacles to solving our world’s many problems is that we’ve become a society where, if you don’t have THE answer — and the CORRECT answer — on the first pass, you are labeled ineffective.  You are a failure if you don’t have the answer.

I got to thinking about this after a colleague included the following quote in an email:

“In our society, mainly concerned with production and efficiency, the drama is that our capacity for questioning, still so vivid in early childhood, is very quickly eradicated or pushed aside for the benefit of our capacity for answering.
When a child has a real question, most of the time he is immediately given a stupid answer. In the best cases the educator goes to the dictionary to be sure his answer is accurate. But anyhow unconsciously, if not proudly, he closes the question.
From school to the end of our life it is always necessary to answer. We are compelled to learn how to answer. If we don’t know how to answer, we are just no good. So little by little we become some kind of model machine able-to-answer-to-all-situations with all the necessary blindness as regards its own contradictions.
That kind of answering, whose degree of sophistication may sometimes hide from us its conditioned character, is required by our life. But under its dominating necessity, is it possible to keep alive in ourselves our most authentic and precious capacity, which is questioning?”

~Michel de Salzmann, French philosopher and spiritualist, 1976

We seem to have lost our capacity for curiosity.  This, I assess, is a big problem itself.

Consider where we are.  I mean, REALLY consider the situation we are in as a planet — financially, politically, climatically, and as regards energy:  we have NEVER been here before.

We are in totally new territory.  No one (I repeat, for emphasis, NO ONE) has the answers…. heck, we’re not even clear about what the problems are!  We keep treating the symptoms, nothing’s improving.  H-E-L-L-O!  perhaps we could achieve a bit more if we just stopped demanding answers and instead took the time to explore the issues.

Curiosity is one of man’s most powerful tools.  Our ability to question, to probe, to learn distinguishes us from all other species on the planet.  Imagine what could happen if, for just a few months, everyone stopped trying to Solve these enormous problems (which, by the way, hasn’t been workin’ too well!) and spend that time trying to Understand the problems.  Understand the root causes.  Understand the impact of various solutions.  Understand the impact on human lives.  and most of all, Understand the emotions that are attached to both the problems and the potential solutions.

What might be possible if, for just a while, our leaders took the time to look at the world through the eyes of a child?  Hmm.

In the end, I suggest, we’d have better answers.

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