Put the 13 Happiness Principles into Action

For the past 32 years I’ve been married to an amazing woman who has partnered with me in raising a great family, but who pretty much left me alone when it came to running my coaching and consulting business (except for balancing the books!).  A few years ago, however, she started to pay more attention to my work on Happiness as she noticed they have a real impact.  Please join me in welcoming guest author Cheryl Smith as she shares some of her accumulated learning.

The 13 Principles of Happiness Applied to Real Life

by Cheryl Smith

I am an accountant, not a writer.  Still, I’ve learned a lot about Happiness over the past few years.  What follows are some of my “aha” moments that relate to some of Jim’s 13 Principles of Happiness.

Become Positively Self-ish, #1
I always used to put everyone in my life before me — whether my husband, my children, my parents, or my friends, I always suppressed my own needs.  I remember one Christmas when Jim and I were writing our holiday letter, and I had no personal highlights.  I was the “support” behind most of Jim’s and the kids’ highlights, but I actually had none of my own.

I feel differently now.  I realize how I can give even more if I prioritize my needs, too.  I love children and truly enjoy every minute I can spend with young kids.  Several years ago I seriously considered foster parenting, but life and various health issues altered that path.  I do, however, volunteer once a week at Providence House (a crisis nursery for children) and I get a lot of joy from working with the kids.  When I returned to work after my surgery, in the “heat” of the tax season, I felt that I would have to give up my volunteering.  However, after thinking long and hard, I decided to be positively self-ish and I found the time to maintain my training hours and have continued my volunteer work despite everything else.

Be Authentic, #13
I witnessed an example of this last month when my son got married.  He and Katie chose to celebrate their wedding in the way they wanted whether that met with others’ expectations or not.  They had a small private event in northern Michigan with two dozen of their closest friends and family and then the next weekend they had a celebration in Chicago with a comedy show and a party at a venue decorated with eclectic 50’s décor!

My daughter and son-in-law married several years ago in the gracious splendor of the Basilica of Notre Dame and for them, it was perfect.  Last month was perfect for Justin and Katie.  Neither event was better, just different.

When you Live Your Values (#2) it is much easier to remember what is most important.  When it comes to marriage, it is about making a lifetime commitment to the one you love, whether on a beach in northern Michigan or in the Notre Dame Basilica.  I believe they have both chosen wisely, and in the process been true to themselves.

Build Reserves, #5
I have realized recently that what I want to build reserves of in my life is Memories.  I don’t need extra things; what I want is extra experiences.  I told my family that I don’t want gifts for birthday or Mother’s Day.  Instead, what I want is a chance to get together or to receive a phone call.  I guess that is why Jim, Kelly, Paul, Jared and I gave Justin and Katie a honeymoon trip for their wedding gift.  What we were really giving them was an adventure and an opportunity for memories.

Tolerate Nothing, #6
This principle is one of my favorites and I practice it often, frequently in small ways.  The recent wedding gave me an opportunity to really put it to use.  Because Justin and Katie chose an unconventional path there were some friends and family who were less than supportive of the plans.  At first I was worried about “how to make it right.”  But Katie’s mother and I decided that we would not tolerate, nor worry about, those folks.  We decided that those who came to the events would be those who were supposed to be there, and we would happily celebrate with them.  And we did.

Choose to Respond, #7
Just 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It was not within my brain, but rather inside the lining surrounding my brain; and it was not cancer – but was still a brain tumor!  I chose to respond with all resources available to me.  I had a wonderful surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and nine days after my diagnosis I had 10 hours of brain surgery.  The only open date on the surgeon’s calendar was Christmas Eve, and for a moment I worried about “ruining” the holiday.  But I decided that I have to take care of me (I guess that’s also Principle #1 again).

There are many things in life that we cannot control, but in whatever way possible we must respond and face things head on.  I try to face things as quickly as possible now.  I find that it gives me much less time to worry and far more energy to act.

Pay Attention, #9
I think that staying focused on what is going on around you is critical.  I don’t just mean what is going on at the global level.  I mean what is going on right in front of you!

I will always remember a conversation with my 25-year-old brother-in-law, Sean, the Thanksgiving before his death from Leukemia.  Sean was trying his best to be with family, even though he’d just learned that the cancer had returned.  After dinner I noticed that he had moved away from the group and eventually headed upstairs.  After a few minutes I followed him up.  He was in his cousin’s bedroom crying.  I walked in and just held him.  He said, “ No one wants me to be here, I make them uncomfortable.  No one even came looking for me.”  It was not a time to debate his statement or correct him.  It was just a time to hold him and remind him that we all loved him.

Always pay attention to those around you.

Simplify, #10
This is the principle I find easiest and hardest to incorporate into my life.  I like things simple, very simple, if possible.  But I also like things to be predictable, and I hate change.  But Jim has helped me to learn that change and simplify need not be mutually exclusive.  Change does not have to complicate your life, unless you let it.  Sometimes the very best way to simplify is to allow a change or let go!

Cheryl Smith, CPA, is a wife, mother, and tax accountant.  She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, with her terminally happy husband and two unnamed goldfish.

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Anyone can make the decision to be happy when they PRACTICE an aspect of happiness every day.  Why not post a copy of the 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator so you can put them into action like Cheryl has?  You can download a 1-page summary.  Choose Happiness.

Life Lessons from a Coffee Cup

When I bought a cup at the airport coffee shop, I expected warm caffeine.  What I got was a list of life tips written on the cup.  It made me smile, and thought I’d share:

Thank a Teacher.

Listen 1st, talk 2nd

Learn to dance a jig

Start right now

Continue a conversation OFFline

Take all your vacation days

Dance to your own rhythm

Be a HERO (minus the dorky cape)

Become a bee keeper

Smile first, ask questions later

Follow your heart

Laugh so hard you cry

Eat when you are hungry and Nap when you are tired

Make time for silly

Love what you brew, brew what you love (Jim’s note – this is more than about coffee — think about it)

Enter a pie eating contest

Do it for love, not profit

Grow older without ever growing up

Adopt an animal

And it didn’t stop with the cup.  Even the napkin carries some life wisdom:

Stay awake for:
…maxing out your passport
…ghost stories around the campfire
…playing an instrument
…break dancing
…Luscious, oh-so-delicious chocolate

And finally, a reminder that:

Life’s too short for:
…grudges
…Fake anything
…putting profits before people
…over-roasted coffee
…crabby people
…WiFi you have to pay for (I was typing this on an airport wifi signal I had to pay for, grrrr)
…waiting for change to happen

All this life wisdom for just $1.19.  And they even threw in some hot coffee!

Enjoy your day.  I will.

Choice by Tiny Choice, You Can Change Your Life!

I turned 54 last week. This was a special birthday to me, because there was a time when I did not expect to live this long.

When I was 28 I had heart problems that landed me in the Cardiac ICU at the Cleveland Clinic. While they tried to get my heart rate under control, my cardiologist introduced me to several older men who had the same arrhythmia, but it had not manifested in them until they were older… and they both nearly died on the spot the first time it happened. I remember him telling me, “you will not live as long as these guys did if you don’t take better care of yourself.” I asked the one guy, “How old are you?” 54. He was 54 and he looked like crap.

At the time, I was overweight, stressed, and had “too many” negative medical indicators. Ugh.

So my ’scared shitless’ story took root, and I changed my life, one little habit shift at a time:

• I became disciplined about working out.  At first it was twice a week, then three, and eventually five (that transition took 10 years).
• I lost weight.
• I started watching what I ate, and over the years became a low-carb, meat-free, fresh-foodie (with a dark chocolate addiction on the side).  I did not become a vegetarian overnight — I got there by dropping one food at a time, and adding new foods gradually.
• I dropped my cholesterol by 80 points and normalized my blood pressure through diet.
• I cross trained, did Jazzercise, swam, ran, and lifted heavy things.  Since I”m easily bored, I used variety in my workouts to keep myself motivated.
• I started noticing my self-talk, and gradually re-wrote all my ’stories’ (still workin’ on this today!)
• I started studying happiness.
• I nurtured my optimism.
• I took up yoga (five years ago) and then meditation (three years ago).

And yet…. I realized just last year that I’ve been holding – for many years – the story that “I could die when I’m 54.” And I’ve been (quietly yet definitely) scared to turn 54.

And now, I’m here. And it’s not so scary after all.

And I got here one tiny shift, one new practice at a time.

And, my dear reader, that’s what I hope for you.   You can change your life, Choice by tiny Choice.

Stand Tall. Breathe Deeply. Smile Often!

Before Happiness, There is Adversity

I have seen no green in my yard since the snows started in the third week of December.  As the ENORMOUS piles are now melting away, spring is popping up all over.  This little montage captures some of what is emerging in my yard — notice how in two of the shots you can see the retreating edge of the snow pile just inches behind the crocuses.

I am, as usual, in awe of how much has been going on BELOW the snow.  Life just can’t be suppressed.  On one side of my house the snow piles were over three feet high, and certainly very heavy.  Yet the daffodils emerging from the snow bank are over six inches high already.  Daffodils are so determined.

I actually feel badly for those who live in climates without a Spring season.  Spring is nature’s time to remind us that just because something LOOKS dead and frozen does not mean that it is over.  Trees bud.  Grass renews.

And spring bulbs are absolutely my favorite plant.  You see, they CANNOT flower without first experiencing the cold of winter.  It is the adversity that allows them to become who they are.  And so we cannot experience a glorious Spring without first passing through the brutal winter.

Human Beings are the same, you know.

Happiness does not, and cannot, exist in a space by itself.  Happiness cannot exist without Sadness.  Contentment has no value if there is not first Disappointment or Anxiety.  Hope takes its sweetness from the experience of Despair and Resignation.  If not for the dark times in our lives, we could not appreciate the good times as deeply as we do.

And that is also HOW we human beings are able to endure even the darkest times, like illness, job loss, accident, & death of a loved one — because we believe that someday we will once again be able to experience the positive side of life that comes after the “snow” retreats from our life or the “rains” stop falling.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Today, it is sunny outside, and I will enjoy it.  AND soon the rains will start.  And I will endure the grey because I know it will wash away all the dirt and grime of winter and Spring will emerge in a rainbow of colors and a hundred shades of GREEN.

I can’t wait!

Do You Truly Value Happiness?

Sigh.  I just deleted from my mailbox YET ANOTHER newsletter that promised insights or wisdom about Happiness, yet turned out to be hawking STUFF.  I sometimes feel frustrated that so many marketers — on TV, in print, and on the Internet — hijack the concept of happiness.  Because that’s been happening so much, we’ve gotten to point as a society where we no longer value happiness for… itself.  Seems it always has to be attached to something — an outcome, a promotion, a product, or a ’system.’

The other night I counted commercials across two hours of television, and nearly a third of them directly referenced happiness or being happy (products ranged from Wal-mart & cars to flowers & erectile dysfunction meds).  Even some of the teachers I’ve followed and learned from over the years seem to be abandoning the pursuit of happiness as noble, and are replacing that with a sales pitch.

Am I just naive?  Is it silly of me to believe that Happiness has value in and of itself?  Am I fooling myself into believing that people find value in learning how to live a happier life if that “happier life” can’t be quantified with dollars or the accumulation of product?  Should I give up my quest to provide people tools and practices for experiencing more happiness for it’s own sake?

No.  Because you know what?  On the other side of the marketing street stand many people who are strong enough to resist the message, and who have the wisdom to say, “I know more STUFF won’t make me happy.”   Those are the people to whom I speak.

And I hope that all of you who ‘get’ this message realize how important it is that you value Happiness for its own sake.  As long as SOME of us hold steadfastly to the belief that we can control our own happiness, there is hope for the world.

So, how about if we all take a deep breath together?  Pull your shoulders back and open up your heart, breathe into your deep belly, and say, “I am enough, for now.  I have enough.  I am content.”

Give yourself permission to be happy, for a moment, with just what you have.  And notice how rich you feel!

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

The Universe Wants You to be Happy

I generally dislike car commercials, if for no other reason that they are so blatantly manipulative, relying heavily on vanity, lust, envy, or sex to sell their product.

So I’ve been pleasantly surprised by Ford’s new marketing.  Having been (justifiably) accused of disconnection from the real world, they have responded with elegant simplicity.  One of their billboards shows the oval Ford logo on the left followed by just two words: Buy one.

Ford: Buy one.  Wow, that’s as direct as it gets (their overall theme is Ford: Drive one.) Will it work?  Maybe.  Maybe the simplicity will cut thru the thousands of messages that hit us on a daily basis.

You know, the Universe has been using this same approach for thousands of years, and yet we still manage to miss those messages.  The Universe wants you to be happy, and is constantly sending signs to remind you of that:

• rainbows
• sunny days
• the smell of spring rain
• laughter
• tomorrow
• daffodils
• the quiet of a winter snowfall
• crisp fall afternoons
• sunsets
• sunrises
• autumn colors

Are you listening to the Universe?

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

Do You Keep Happiness “In Place?”

Six weeks ago our youngest son bought us a new chandelier — something that goes better with our remodeled great room.  When we took down the old chandelier, however, we decided it was still in superb condition.

So we polished it up, and hung it… in the master bedroom.

And ever since then, we’ve been getting the strangest reactions from people who have seen our room or heard that we hung a chandelier in such a place.

Very odd looks.  Statements like, “you did What?!”

Yes, we did something very unconventional with lighting.  And now we LOVE how much softer and fuller the lighting is in our bedroom.

But this experience has me thinking about how often I see people segment their life and put things in different places based on “how things are supposed to be.”  They hold a story that ‘this belongs here’ and ‘that belongs ONLY there.’  For example:

• Chandeliers should only be hung in a dining room or kitchen.
• White should not be worn after Labor Day (that was one of my mom’s rules)
• I’m not allowed to get angry on the job
• Real men don’t cry (or wear pink)
• Happiness is only for weekends
• There’s no place for joy in the workplace
• Less desirable emotions (like fear, sadness, anxiety) must be stuffed down
• We can only use Grandma’s china for special family occasions
• Talking about death or aging will cause those things, so they can’t ever be discussed
• Happiness is not important enough to take up space on meeting agendas

When you look at that list you might think, ‘I don’t hold any of those beliefs!’  Perhaps true, but everybody has their stories about what’s proper and what’s not, and what can be talked about & where.

I’m not saying any of those ’stories’ are right or wrong or good or bad… just that they are stories.  Recognize you made them up; and you can make new stories when the old ones no longer work.

My wife and I challenged the story about chandeliers, and made a new one that worked better for us.  I wear pink after years of thinking it was ‘not right.’  and of course I believe that there is absolutely a place for happiness at work!

What stories do YOU hold about What goes Where?  And which stories do you want to rewrite?

39 Rules for a Good Life

I received this in email at the beginning of the year &  loved it.  But I was overwhelmed with other stuff at the time, so I set it aside.  Pulled out the article today and I STILL love it (unable to find an author attribution).  It’s called Handbook 2010, but it’s more like Rules for a Good Life.

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did last year.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. Time heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank your God for it.
39. Your Innermost is always happy. So, be happy.

Be Happy.  Don’t ya just love it?!

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