Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

Gratitude Reprised

As the American Thanksgiving holiday approaches, our thoughts turn to Giving Thanks and the emotion of Gratitude.  This emotion is so foundational to the experience of all the Positive Emotions that I believe it is impossible to oversell its importance or speak of it too often.

Gratitude is defined as, the quality of being warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankfulness.

Reminders about the Importance of Gratitude

• Expressions of Gratitude are the bricks of the foundation upon which Happiness, Optimism, Hope, and Joy are built.
• Practiced regularly, Gratitude shapes your worldview toward noticing abundance versus scarcity, since it focuses on what you Have versus what you Lack.
• You bring positive energy to the conversation whenever you speak with others about something for which you are grateful.
• Grateful people make better friends, parents, coworkers, and leaders.
• Finally, when you practice gratitude, you feel more content with the world, no matter what your current state (even unemployed!).

Practice makes Better

If you want to learn the piano or run a marathon, you must practice, practice, and practice.  The same is true of emotional states.  Here are nine intentional activities that will help you live a more Gratitude-filled life.

1.       Keep a Gratitude Journal. This is the most basic and powerful practice in all of Positive Psychology.  Every book on happiness published in the past eight years places this practice at/near the top of the list.  Every day, write down three blessings from the past 24 hours.  Pencil and paper or online journal work equally well – the key is that you write it, not just think it (it makes a difference).

2.       Remember the Bad Times. In his 2007 book, “Thanks,” researcher Robert Emmons noted the value of reflecting on past difficulties  — not to dwell on them, but to appreciate that you survived and are stronger today as a result of the experiences.

[This one resonates for me personally. Viewed in the rearview mirror, some of my darkest moments and biggest mistakes have come to symbolize significant turning points or deep learning that would not have been otherwise possible.  In the words of Helen Keller, “Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”]

3.       Say, “Thank you.” Those who say ‘thank you’ more often than ‘please give me….’ experience higher life satisfaction.

4.       Three Square Meals.  A good friend of mine takes a moment before every meal and says three things he is grateful for since his last meal (and he is the most grateful person I know!)

5.       Appreciate Someone.  Every day, let a person in your life know you are grateful for them, and why.  Even if you only do this weekly, in a year you’ll have sent 52 notes.

6.       Build a Gratitude List. Start with a list of 25-50 things for which you are grateful.  Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list (challenge yourself to reach 100!).  Pull the list out and read it for a quick pick-me-up whenever you feel down, sad, or ungrateful.

7.       Wear a Body of Gratitude. With feet flat on the ground, pull your shoulders back and your head up, open your palms toward the person you are facing, and take a deep breath.

8.       Fill a Gratitude File.  Every time you receive a thank you note, place it in your file.  In email, create a folder to store these.  When you are having a bad day open the file and, as you read, feel the warmth of other people’s appreciation wash over you.

9.       Notice the Invisible and the Infrastructure. When was the last time you gave thanks for the fact that the lights actually go on when you flip the switch?  Or that your faucet flows with clean, drinkable water?  Or that you can live without fear of being assassinated in your home?  Much of the world’s population still lacks these life basics, so take a moment to appreciate what may have become invisible to you.

Happy Thanksgiving.  And in case you’ve not heard me say it before, my dear Readers: I am grateful for you!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offer specific practices to strengthen your “happiness muscles.”  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your refrigerator, and have extras handy for when your guests read it on Thanksgiving and want their own copies!

NINE STRATEGIES TO AVOID HAPPINESS

Nine Strategies to Avoid Happiness: How to Live as a Victim and Still Control the World!

1.     Take Everything and Everyone for Granted. After all, it’s their job to take care of you, right?  Practice rudeness, then sneer at the ones who can’t handle it.  On those rare occasions when someone meets your impossibly high expectations, be sure to point out something that wasn’t perfect, even if you have to make it up.
What to Avoid: Never say “Thank You” or express Appreciation for anything.  Gratitude totally kills the buzz of a bad mood.

2.    Cultivate Pessimism. The world is a dark and dangerous place; make it your mission to remind people of that.  No matter what anyone suggests, frown and say, “That will never work!”  Scan the global weather channel daily so when people say “good morning” to you, you can remind them of a recent earthquake, typhoon, fire, or flood.
Exercise: Practice slumping, frowning, and rolling your eyes to deepen your skill.

3.    Use Social Comparison as a Weapon. When you notice any positive self-talk happening, immediately think of someone who is smarter, prettier, or more skilled than you – that will tamp down Self-Confidence before it gets out of control.  When a coworker receives recognition for their work, ice that down quickly by pointing out, “I’ve seen better.”
Child-rearing Tip: when your child brings home an essay or artwork, put on a Sad face and say, “too bad you’re not talented like <insert name of a friend> is.”

4.    Never Give Anyone a Break. Make ‘No’ your favorite word.  Never give of yourself, and for heaven’s sake avoid volunteerism.  Performing Acts of Kindness releases serotonin in your brain, which makes you feel better – and that’s the last thing you want!
Bonus Tip: Being mean to someone in public carries causes most bystanders to feel a little Depressed or Angry all day.  Double your impact!

5.    Push Other People Away. Isn’t it annoying when your family and friends try to “take care of you?”  Stay strong!  Keep declining invitations until they stop coming; then complain about Abandonment.  If you must attend, sit in a corner and whine about something irrelevant.
Special note about pets: Avoid warm-blooded pets, which tend to form icky Emotional bonds.  If you must have a pet, get a lizard, fish, or something with a reptile brain – there’s no risk they will ever care about you!

6.    Reject Simplicity. CNN apparently thinks you can handle three to six simultaneous streaming data feeds, so stay connected to The Grid at all times.  Respond to every email or call immediately (your global clients will be impressed when you respond at 4AM your time).
Special note: When you slow down and allow yourself to enjoy just one thing in the present moment, you risk allowing Happiness and Joy to take root.  So keep it complex!

7.    Avoid Commitment. According to Barry Schwartz’s work on the Paradox of Choice, having more options does not make us happier; in fact, we get more stressed.  So keep your options wide open!  Shun goal-writing exercises, as those create undesirable consequences like greater focus and discovery of your life purpose.  Live randomly and put off decisions until you have 100% of all data (which of course will be…never).
Bonus: Lacking a strong foundation, you need never Respond rationally to anything; instead, you will strengthen your Anxiety muscles and get really good at living in React mode.

8.    Sit Down! Did you know that studies of clinically Depressed people prove consistent exercise raises Happiness levels as much as Zoloft?  This is why you must guard against Wellness (a thinly disguised conspiracy to control your life).  Skip all health seminars, and when they start distributing salads and pedometers in the company cafeteria, drive to lunch at McDonalds.  Look, if your Physical energy improves through better Self-Care, it will naturally pull up your Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual energies, and you can’t let that happen!
Caution: If you accept even a tiny responsibility for personal Well-Being, it’s a slippery slope.  Soon you’ll be expected to manage your own Happiness, too, and how unfair is that?!

9.    Nurture Resentment. Never let go of anything.  Remember, Forgiveness is for weaklings.  It takes a determined person (like you) to hold on to all those old slights – real and imagined — and still endure the new crap that’s getting dumped on you.
Take it a level deeper: Plan regular time to Obsess about someone who wronged you in the past.  Daily attention ensures your negative emotions remain at a constant simmer, burning away your immune system.  You’ll get sick more often, of course, which will give you lots of opportunity to Hate those people who did this to you!

Remember, Practice builds stronger muscles.  Exercise at least one of these nine daily, and soon you’ll find yourself snugly tucked away at the bottom of the Deep Dark Pit of Despair, finally safe from all those nasty “happy” people who, by the way, are totally out of touch with the way the world really works.

But you know the Truth, don’t you?  BWAHAHAHA!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offers the opposite of what you want.  DO NOT VISIT http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm to download them.  If you practice any of those 13 habits, you’ll never achieve your goal of UNhappiness.

You always have the Power to Change YOU

Do you have things or situations in your life that cause you to go, “ugh!”?

I call them Tolerations — things you “put up with” in your life. Because they are often small and invisible, they create stress without your awareness; they drain your energy.

Happiness Principle #6 reads: Tolerate Nothing. Continually identify and eliminate all the little “stuff” which causes you friction and drains your energy.

When I introduce people to the concept of Tolerations they often list issues they are tolerating, but then they get overwhelmed when they consider how much WORK it’s going to take to address them.

No.  Stop.  It doesn’t have to be about you changing them — it’s about you changing YOU, which is a lot easier.

Here’s the thing: people are people, and situations are situations. They are neither good nor bad, hard nor easy.  It is your ASSESSMENT of a person or situation that creates your stress, and many times the easiest way to reduce your stress is to change the story you tell yourself.

Example: For several years, my gym time overlapped with that of a guy I’ll call “Greg.” Greg worked out six days a week, and was in superb physical condition, via swimming, weights, and cardio work.  AND Greg was a neat freak/germophobe.  Each time I crossed his path he would comment on a leaky sink, the odor in the bathroom, insufficient hot water in the showers, etc, etc.  I regularly agreed with him, and we’d have a little pity party….

And I would leave the gym feeling stressed and a little down.

What Greg said was true — stuff wasn’t working. Also true: this was a 60-year old YMCA building, and Greg issues were related to the aging facilities.  One day this situation came up in my tolerations work, and I realized I was whining.  So I adjusted my thinking and my behavior.

In working on myself, I also became aware of what Greg was doing. So I asked him, “If you have so many problems with the place, why do you keep working out here?”  Greg looked at me with surprise.  His first reaction was, “I’ve been coming here for years!” and I came back with, “So have I, Greg… and I cannot think of a time when these were not issues.  You are arguing with reality.  Do you realize that you are tolerating these conditions?”  “Tolerating?”  I explained what I meant, and he pondered that as he dressed and left.

I never saw Greg again at the YMCA. However, we traveled in overlapping business circles, and two months later I saw him at a networking event.  He came over to shake my hand and said, “You were right.  I obsessed about that place, and yet I had the power to change the situation all along.  I found another gym that I like better.  Thank you for showing me that I was putting up with the situation.  It was not them that needed to change – it was me!”

And that’s the point of Tolerations. If you are unaware of something that is draining you, it will continue to Zap your energy. The tolerations exercise gives you the opportunity to say, “that bugs me,” out loud, and really acknowledge it.

Once you do that, you have choices that you did NOT have when it was invisible to you.  You can CHOOSE to remain and whine about it, OR…you can choose to take action, make a plan, make a request of someone else, or even…

…change your thinking about it. Note the contrast between how Greg and I experienced the same reality – shower facilities occasionally smelled and needed constant repair:

• Greg thought, “It should not be like this.  This is wrong.  I am suffering.”  And he took action to find a new place.
• I looked at the same situation and thought, “yes, there are breakdowns constantly; AND they keep it clean and the price is reasonable, and I am willing to accept the tradeoffs.”

We CHOSE different, yet equally effective paths: I let go of the toleration by changing my story, while Greg eliminated the toleration by changing his environment.

Notice that what changed in both situations was US – first, awareness, then making a new choice.

Do This For Yourself

What are you tolerating? Download the complete exercise here.

If you removed a few tolerations, how much better might you feel? Think about it.  Less burdens to carry.  More energy and capacity to focus on what’s important.  More space to feel happiness and contentment rather than the anxiety and stuckness that often accompany tolerations.

And who doesn’t want to be happier?

Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/resources/articles/HP06-TolerateNothing.pdf for complete instructions and a Tolerations worksheet

Drop me a note to tell me what YOU notice when you acknowledge your tolerations. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

Apply the Learning of the Masters to your Goals

When I entered the rotunda of the Galleria dell’Accademie in Firenze (Florence) for my first live look at this Italian icon, it literally took my breath away. 17 feet tall, sleek and powerful, Michelangelo’s David is truly a marvel — accurate down to the veins on the back of his hands and the chipped toenails on his feet, I fully expected him to start breathing any second.

“This,” I thought, “is a work of brilliance!” Ah, but there’s more to the story, as I learned.

Inspiration AND Perspiration

The European Renaissance was a time of great innovation marked by a surge of new knowledge and captured in architecture, sculpture, music, and painting.  Before I visited Italy this spring, I imagined gifted Renaissance masters spending their days in sunlit studios, painting or sculpting great works of art in a flowing, effortless climate of creativity and support.

The truth, I learned, was far from my fantasy. Many of those whom we now call Masters were, in their time, mere wage slaves, often struggling to live on a fixed budget set by a wealthy patron who wanted a specific project done on a deadline.  Good oil paints, gilt, quality canvas, and fine Carrera marble were not cheap, so these artists were very careful in their use of resources.

Out of necessity, then, they spent long hours preparing for their commission. A painting would be sketched in parts and done in miniature to work out spacing many times before moving to a larger field.  Then there would be endless pencil and charcoal sketches before final application of oils and gilt onto the final medium (e.g. wood, canvas, or the dome of a cathedral).

Sculptors followed a similar process. First, multiple sketches; then multiple miniatures of different sizes and in different poses and in different media (e.g. clay, stone) and with varying levels of detail attended to in each piece, so that by the time they put chisel to marble they literally “knew” the work in their head, hands and heart.

Practice is the surest path to Mastery.

I now appreciate that the works of the masters really was WORK. Sure, some of them were brilliant.  Yet it was their attention to the tiny details that led to “perfection.”  Before he created the David in its full splendor, Michelangelo made hundreds of sketches and miniatures, gradually increasing in size and detail.  The final product, then, was not a singular act – it was the manifestation of practice, practice, and more practice.

Apply the Learning of the Masters to YOUR Goals

Follow the example of the Masters to improve your probability of success:

1. Picture your goal. 80% of your brain’s processing is visual, so writing or drawing what you want brings your goal alive.
2. Create it in miniature. Big, life-shifting goals generally flop because your system can’t shift that much, that fast.  Break your goal into tiny pieces you can implement one at a time, to see how they “fit” into your life/work.
3. Get feedback. Share your progress with others, both for support as well as for ideas to make it better/easier.
4. Adjust, adjust, adjust. The “marble” of your current habits may not cut exactly as you planned, so don’t be afraid to tweak your design as you go so that it fits into your current reality.
5. If it’s not working for you, take it as a lesson and move on.  The most moving artwork I saw in Italy was Michelangelo’s “Unfinished Slaves,” a major commission he never finished.  Yet he saw them as a great accomplishment, because he learned so much from the process.
6. Ground it in your bones. Work on some part of your goal every day.  The journey is about progress, not perfection. Some days you’ll finish a mural – other days a single brushstroke may be all you can do – yet your constant attention will build goal intimacy.
7. Risk, learn, and grow. Michelangelo was a sculptor, and he resisted taking up a brush – yet today the Sistine Chapel is considered his greatest performance.
8. Finally, find the Joy. In the end, choose goals that take care of your passions and feed what YOU really want from life, career, and relationships.

Achieving Mastery of you and your life is simple, yet not easy.  Good luck on your Master’s journey!

14 Life Lessons from a Trip to Italy

In May I spent 10 days in Italy with my wife, daughter, son-in-law, and eight-month-old grandson. While we did some touristy things (e.g. you simply cannot visit Florence and NOT see the David!), we also immersed ourselves in the culture.

We never set foot in a hotel or gift shop. Instead, we slept in residential neighborhoods in old convent rooms now run as B&Bs by the nuns, or in an apartment within a medieval-era walled city with a commanding view of olive orchards and vineyards.

Immersion in a foreign culture refreshes the way I view the world. First, the “different-ness” of life in another country or region opens up new awareness; then, my newly expanded lens causes me to review habits and beliefs that were previously “invisible” to me.

Through the lens of learning, I share with you my most powerful life lessons from Italy:

1. Just because you don’t know where you are does not mean you are lost. We circled parts of Umbria and Florence for hours, unable to make sense of the serpentine, one-way roads…and we had a blast!
   Just like in real life, the pleasure’s as much in the journey as the destination.
2. You can be way off track and still maintain balance. I’m a vegetarian who manages my diet to minimize starches and fat.  Not in Italy!  There I consumed huge amounts of pasta, gelato and vino every day, and LOVED it!
   There’s nothing wrong with letting the pendulum swing far in one direction, as long as you ride the swing back in the other direction to keep yourself centered.  To balance our doubling of food, we walked EVERYWHERE!
3. Don’t underestimate the common and familiar. At first, we resisted the vino della casa (the house wine), thinking it was the “cheap stuff.”  We learned that in Italy the house wine (typically ~€3/liter, about $4.50US) was inexpensive because it was made just a few kilometers down the road – and it was always fantastico!.
   Take a fresh look at what is right under your nose and you may be pleasantly surprised. I’m now paying more attention to the Locavore movement, which is all about reconnecting with the great quality of foods and opportunities nearby.
4. Happiness is all around, but there’s not always a Sign. One of my two vices is great coffee, and I was told that “espresso bars are everywhere” in Italy.  I was frustrated until I learned that the bars are typically tiny and, since the locals already know where they are, poorly marked.  Once I had clues, I could find a shot of espresso within minutes.
   Happiness is like that – if you don’t know what you seek, it’s impossible to find.  Seek clarity, and you’ll soon realize it’s right in front of you.
5. Do your inner work, first. Americans are often concerned about the view OF their house, e.g. how others see their house/lawn/gardens from the street.  In Italy, gardens are maintained in hidden courtyards, so the focus is on the view FROM the house.
   When you work on how YOU see the world, you will create more positive change than when you spend all your time worrying about your “image” with others.
6. We build on other’s successes. While we think we are special and so advanced, we are not the first generation to achieve huge innovation and create great works – ancient Rome proves that point. If not for the accomplishments and creativity of those who went long before us, what we have today would not and could not be.
   We have a responsibility to understand history and use it in two ways: as a jumping off point to build a better future AND for lessons on what NOT to repeat!
7. When you move all day, many small steps add up. Our busiest walking day (nearly 20km/12mi!) covered ancient Rome’s central city: the Forum, Palatine Hill, and the Coliseum.  Yet because we stopped for a picnic lunch in the emperor’s throne room and a nap in the palace gardens, we survived the day.
   As the saying goes, “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time;” any big undertaking becomes easier when tackled just one step at a time.
8. Happiness is in the small things and the quiet moments. One of my fondest memories will be of the supreme calm I’d experience each time I stepped off the crowded, frantic streets of Florence and into the dark, cool quiet of the convent lobby.
   Take a moment to breathe.
9. There are friendly people everywhere. We got lost.  We feared pickpockets. We sat down in restaurants where nothing was in English.  We learned that no matter the situation, per favore and grazie (please and thank you) brought out the best in others.
   In life, we often assume that we’re on our own because we buy the “story” that the world is an uncaring and dangerous place. That’s an image created by the media to sell newspapers, cable news, and reality shows.  In the Real World, 98% of the people you ask will return a smile with a smile, and help you on your way.
10. Once you let go of control, it’s easier to enjoy the ride. Italians pay scant attention to breakfast, start dinner “too late, and drive like lunatics on impossibly narrow roads, right?  Well, it took a few days for us to understand, but once we let go of our American “filters” and embraced a different set of rules, we had a better time, and created great stories to tell.
    Let go of your “shoulds” and instead be curious about what is.
11. Don’t sleep with the windows open unless you pull down the screens. Don’t get mad at the mosquitoes – it’s not their fault you forgot!
12. Although it is hard work to climb up hill, the spectacular views from the top make it all worthwhile.
13. Anything that seems strange at first can feel perfectly normal after a week. Exhibit A: pumpkin, sardines, and octopus on a pizza (it was pretty tasty!)
14. There’s no place like home. No matter how delightful the trip, there’s nothing quite as lovely as a good night’s sleep in your own bed!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offer even more life lessons.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

The Endless Smile Loop

This is how human beings work.  We infect others with our emotions, and in turn are infected by theirs.  Emotions are viral.  Here is how it works:

Smiling makes you more attractive and more sociable.  Others perceive you as more trustworthy.  You feel better about yourself and about others.

So, tell me again, what’s the downside of focusing on something as simple as a smile?  Hmm.

Don’t be a Workplace Crab!

For part 1 of this post, see: Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

Crabs in the workplace are sometimes harder to avoid than personal connections. At home, you can ignore the phone, or say No to invitations.  But at work, they sit right next to you, or you have to work with them every day!  No matter the place, crabs will always seek to pull you down to the bottom of the bucket where they live.  Beware!

Who are the workplace crabs?  Here are some ways to spot them in the wild:

• They often call themselves “realists**” but then spend all their time whining about… well, much of everything.
• They are often unwilling or unable to do the work required to get to the next level, but will blame others at every turn for denying them the opportunity.
• They don’t like to see others succeed, and will often create or support gossip that implies success was unearned.
• They often mock those who take risks, creating discomfort for those who stretch and take on extra assignments or apply for promotional opportunities.
• They studiously avoid change, even when that change will benefit them.
  And please know that I acknowledge change can be very uncomfortable.  However, it’s one thing to avoid it yourself – that’s your own issue.  Crabs are those who try to guilt others into joining them in non-compliance or resistance.

** Note: I make a distinction between Optimists (those who look for the good and *usually* expect things to go well), and Pessimists (those who look for the worst and *usually* expect things to go wrong).  Realists, as far as I’m concerned, will hold a balanced point of view, for in reality some things go well and some things don’t.  When someone says they’re a Realist but then acts like a Pessimist, then I say: “If it quacks like a duck….”

An effective leader does not behave like a crab, at any time and in any venue. Moreover, most good leaders have little tolerance for crabs, as they have a toxic effect on the workplace team.  Still, crabs exist, for they often do their work under the sand, where they are not visible but they still undermine morale in the workplace.

ACTION ITEM: Pay attention to your language: How do you speak in the workplace?  Do you blame others for your troubles?  Do you refuse to try anything new?  Do you mock people who are willing to step up and try something new, or take on a new challenge?  Be careful… you may be a crab!

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who seeks to lift others up, not drag them down!

Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

A most fascinating thing occurred during a keynote talk last week, which inspired this month’s newsletter topic.

My subject was Happiness (of course!) and during my talk I was marginally aware of the fact that a woman at the table just to my right – and in the front row – kept muttering and making a gagging noise during the talk. She was being “just” loud enough to carry across the table to her coworkers, but not so loud that the company president – who sat on the other side of the room – could hear.  Since I’m used to speaking while people are eating or dishes are being cleared, her behavior did not affect me; I was simply aware it was going on.

Near the end of the talk I had everyone in the room stand up for a quick mind-body exercise.  I’ve done this hundreds of times, and it’s a lot of fun. The “gagger” – as I’d now named her in my head – created a tiny “scene” at her table when she refused to stand or participate.  Again, I’ve had that happen before.  But what happened next was what fascinated me.

As I continued my talk, I stood up on a chair, so the drama at the front table unfolded right in front of me. First, the gagger, who was nearly purple in her face (Anger? Embarrassment?) nearly crawled up the arm of the woman next to her until she convinced her to sit back down.  Then she did the same with the woman on her left.  So now, as the activity commenced, there were three sitting and five standing at the table.

I focused on the larger audience, so I don’t know exactly what happened during the exercise.  But as I finished and looked to my right, two more people had been convinced to sit down, one remained standing but looking intensely uncomfortable… and the other two who were standing had moved several paces away from the table and were focused on me.

After the talk, many people came up to apologize for what happened.  I just chuckled and reminded them of a two key points from the talk: one, you can’t change other people, only yourself; and two, happiness is a decision. And clearly, that is a decision the gagger is not ready to make!

Like Crabs in a Bucket

Every summer when we go to the beach, we go crabbing at least once on the marsh side of the island, armed with string and some bait.  As we net our catch, we toss them into a bucket.  Once we catch a dozen or more crabs, they create enough mass in the bottom that any one of them could easily climb out on the backs of their fellow crabs.

But we’ve never had a crab escape.  Why?  Because every time a crab reaches to grab the rim of the bucket and achieve freedom, all the other crabs swarm that one and haul it back down. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, if I’m stuck here, I’m gonna make sure you’re stuck, too!”

After awhile, even the most ambitious crabs stop trying and lay down with the others.  They all die together.

How Do You Recognize a Crab in Your World?

Crabs usually reveal themselves through their language. Sometimes their actions are physical (like the crabs in the bucket) but most often they are more subtle, pulling you or others down with the weight of words:

You’ll never get into that school.
Forget it; you don’t have that much talent.
You could never do that.
No one will want to hire you!
They won’t listen to you.  They won’t give you a chance.
Why even bother? The system is fixed anyway.
That’s so stupid/they’re idiots.
There’s no way you can afford that.
Who do you think you are anyway?  So, you think you’re better than us?
You’re not smart enough.
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re not skinny enough.
You’re not good enough.

None of these statements have truth – they are just assessments someone else is using on you.  Crabs, remember, cannot tolerate having others move up in the world… so they do what they can to keep you down in the muck where they live.

The real sadness is when you hear something so often that you start to believe it is true. It is not true, but it will become true if you let the crabs pull you down!

6 Tips for Dealing with Crabs In Your Life

1. Don’t listen to the crabs. You might hear them out, but don’t let what they say become your Truth.
2. Look for another point of view. When a crab speaks of your situation or the world in only negative, hopeless terms, remember that there are ALWAYS multiple, equally valid perspectives, and you get to choose one for yourself.  Example: when a crab grouses about every grey day, you can remind yourself that clouds carry water, and water is life!
3. Deny their self-appointed Superpowers. When a crab makes a statement that implies they know what “everyone thinks,” or what others feel, say to yourself: “No, actually — you don’t know!”
4. Turn it around. For every Yin there is a Yang, and one way to manage a crab is to turn around their statement and make it about them (well, at least in your head – you don’t need to create an argument, you only need to resist letting what they say pull you down).
5. Yes, And… what they say.  You let the crab “be right” in what they say, then build on it in a different direction.  If they say, “you’ll never get that job” then say, “maybe so, and I know the right job is still waiting for me.”
6. Practice confidence and stability.  It’s a lot easier for a crab to impact someone who’s already fearful and worried.  That’s why it’s super important to practice being in a confident, positive emotional space.  Stand tall with your shoulders back, ground your feet, and breathe deeply.  When you practice that daily, you’ll feel more solid and you’ll be less susceptible to the influence of crabs.

When you regularly practice any/all of the above you may find that, after awhile, the crabs stop bothering you because they no longer get a reaction!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness, when practiced regularly, can inoculate you against the power of crabs.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

Can You Relate? Practicing Happiness

I recently appeared on Coach Kathy Dawson’s new daytime talk show, Can You Relate? The focus of this six-minute segment: to improve your relationships, to start with you. Here are a couple tools to help you build stronger Positive Emotion Muscles!

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