Down Time is Productive Time

Have you ever watched an auto race? Cars race around the track and race around the track at high speeds, and occasionally pull into the Pit where their Pit Crew come screaming into action.  The car is jacked up on hydraulic lifts and instantly the crew swarm the car like ants on a sugar cookie.  For a few minutes there is a blinding, high-speed whirlwind of non-stop activity as drills whir, bolts come off, tires are replaced, fluids are renewed, everything is wiped and tightened and checked and watered.

That level of intensity is how many organizations expect their teams to operate — at high speed, with high efficiency, attending to a million details per minute, just like that pit crew.

What some organizations or leaders forget, however, is that after the pit crew has done their high-speed work, the car pulls out and goes back onto the track, and the pit crew gets to take a breath. And after they recover, they move into preparation mode for the next time their driver has to pull off for servicing.

What would happen if a pit crew had to be constantly ON, operating at their highest level of speed and intensity ALL the time?  They’d burn out.  There’d be mistakes.  Things would be missed.  There would be accidents.

Fact is, the down time IS productive time. The down time is when the pit crew analyzes their performance under pressure.  It’s when they take time to appreciate a job well done and identify ways they can improve their output the next time.  It’s part of the cycle, the yin/yang of work:  preparation, then performance.  There is a time for each

It’s the same for you.

Do you expect yourself to be on and up and fast and perfect and creative ALL THE TIME?! And do you beat yourself up when you’re not?  Give it a rest!  You are ONLY human, my friend.  You are programmed to operate best when you take periods of rest between your intensity sessions.

Organizations that don’t know how to give renewal time to their people are failing their teams. They are probably ending up with a workforce that is constantly on the edge of burnout.

Individuals that don’t take time to renew end up in the same place – burned out, anxious, unhappy.

So take a breath! Relax every so often.  Give your own system — or your team — a chance to balance out performance with preparation and renewal.  It’s the cycle of life, it’s the cycle of work.

John Gottman on Relationships

Studies in the workplace have concluded that the best leaders hit or exceed what’s considered the ideal balance of positive interactions to negative ones.  Well, guess what?  It’s not just about the workplace!

In this less-than-90-second video, John Gottman shares what he knows from two decades of studying personal relationships. (John is the guy who who’s studied people in relationships for so many years that he can watch a 2-minute clip of a couple in conversation and predict — with astounding accuracy — if they will still be married in five years)

5 to 1, people. Share gratitude and appreciation whenever you can. Whether in partnership or in your workplace relationships, the Positive matters!

You Can’t Change Other People

“You can’t change other people. You can only change how you respond to them.” I first heard this life lesson from a mentor when I was a newly minted supervisor 30 years ago. At the time I was struggling with how to manage several very difficult personalities on my team. What I learned in that important conversation with Tiona has served me in many, many life situations.

People are who they are, and you can’t change that. Yet how much time do you spend trying? If you’re like most people, a lot. And you probably find that your efforts, like mine, lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment, maybe anger, and sometimes even guilt. And frustration, lots of that. Because what’s the matter with you, that you can’t “help” them see the “right” way to see the situation, or the “right” way to behave?

There’s nothing wrong with you – you just need to shift your focus from them back to yourself. E.g., What story are you telling yourself? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? What would you rather be doing in the conversation?

A story to illustrate: Last week I attended a business-networking event where I met several new and interesting people. One of them, Patrick, is upbeat and full of energy, and we immediately fell into a spirited conversation. We are both into self-improvement and believe in the power of Positive, so we discovered much we had in common.

At one point, Pat spoke of a situation where he’s having problems remaining positive. He owns a small business that employs a dozen people and for which he is the primary rainmaker/sales person. He loves his work – most of the time. His primary contact at the company’s largest customer is a very aggressive (and sometimes almost nasty) manager who constantly seeks to provoke his “opponent” in every conversation. From experience, Pat believes that this client interprets any sign of weakness as a signal to “go in for blood and finish the kill.” Pat figured that going eye-to-eye with this guy was the only way to survive – so when the client pushes, he pushes back. The tactic seems to work, but Pat feels drained by encounters, and dislikes having to behave that way.

“So,” he asked me, “how can I influence him to change?” I smiled. Then I offered the same advice that began this article: You can”t change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

The story Pat’s telling himself is, “I must stand up to this guy – that’s the only way I can succeed.” Thus he’s approaching every meeting in a mood of intimidation mixed with determination, and his habitual reaction has been to match aggression with aggression, which makes every conversation a battle in which he must hold his ground.

“What would you rather be doing in the conversation?” I asked. Pat said he’d like to get the business but without feeling like he’s been in a fight. So I showed him two simple practices that may help him to succeed in a different way.

First, the verbal skill of Yes, And… This is the foundational language skill we see in Improvisational acting, where the goal is to embrace what comes at you, then build on it to keep the action going. Yes, And is the opposite of Yes, But. Rather than trying to push back on everything this client says, try Accepting it (the Yes) and then Building on what he says (the And…). In other words, let it be a conversation rather than an argument; and notice what happens.

I also taught Pat a quick physical skill to help him shift his presence in the conversation. Pat’s instinctual reaction to his client’s aggression is to Resist. The way this shows up in his body is that he plants both feet, squares his shoulders, and leans forward – sort of like a lineman in US-style football.

The part that works here is his footing – both he and his client need to feel that Solidity. But by always facing off with the client, Pat is constantly “taking a hit,” or absorbing all that negative energy, which is why he feels tired.

So we worked to combine Flexibility with Solidity. I had Pat keep his feet solidly planted, and pull one foot back just a few inches. Then I had him pivot slightly at the waist so that he faced me at an angle. This small shift allows him to deflect the hit, or watch it pass, rather than taking it on the chest.

This physical shift can allow Pat to embody the spirit of Yes, And… as well as support an emotional shift from aggression (solid and inflexible ) to assertive (solid yet flexible). If Pat changes how HE shows up in the conversation, the conversational dynamic will shift even if the other person remains as stubborn as before. And hopefully Pat can emerge from his next negotiation with a contract AND his energy intact!

Do This For Yourself

Is there someone in your personal or professional life with whom you wish to have a different (aka better) relationship? Work through these steps to create a new response for yourself.

1. What story are you telling yourself about that other person? e.g. Joe always does this… or Chris never does that…
2. What emotional state does that invoke in you, even before you start? When you acknowledge your emotion, you give yourself more power to change it.
3. What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? Do you shrink, tense up, get quiet, turn sarcastic, push back, panic?
4. What would you rather be doing in the conversation? Use your power to choose. Name the feeling you’d like to hold when you are in relationship with that person – in other words, how do you want to feel when you are around them? Confident? Caring? Loving? Valued? Accepting? Calm?
5. What body posture would match that feeling? How would you stand, sit, or breathe? Would you be leaning forward, or back? Where would your center of gravity land?
6. Practice the new posture and the new story for awhile, in non-stressful situations, to help your system get used to it.
7. Then try it in the real conversation, and notice what happens when YOU show up in a different way!

Remember: you are half of every conversation; if you shift, so will that next conversation.

Assertiveness: You Can Do This!

Any emotion that you WANT to experience more can become more natural if you play the role, or practice it, more often.  Let’s look at assertiveness.

In assertiveness, you are able to stand up for yourself or your position from a place of confidence. When you practice assertiveness, you are more likely to get your own needs met and your questions answered without anyone else ‘losing.”

For example, do you ever find yourself in a situation where someone asks, “Are there any questions?” and no one speaks? But you have a ton of questions?  Guess what – it’s very likely that others have concerns or questions similar to yours, but no one wants to be the one to extend the meeting or admit they aren’t completely clear.  99% of the time when someone asks a good question, other people in the room feel relieved because THEY are confused about the same issue, but could not find the courage to raise their hands.  When you do, you will be seen as a little bolder, a little more confident… and you’ll often affect how things roll out.

Or how about when a manager says, “we need a couple people for this task force?”  Do you think, “It will be a waste of time.  I don’t have the energy,” or do you raise your hand to get involved?  When you say Yes to small opportunities, there is risk, e.g. you can mess up, fail, get blamed for what’s not working, and have extra stress in your life.  On the other hand, there is an upside:  you’ve also just put yourself in a situation where you can influence the final decision, learn something new or learn it before others do, make new contacts outside your primary job, and get experience being a spokesperson — all benefits of being assertive!

You can’t win if you don’t play.

The Ohio Lottery for years has used a marketing tagline that says, “You can’t win if you don’t play.”  So get in the game.  Start small. Speak up in situations within your team before you stand up in front at the next all-company meeting.  Or maybe volunteer for a short-term project team to get your feet wet before you try to get on that six-month task force.  Practice, practice, practice pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in tiny ways, even at home or in your community.

And then notice how much stronger your assertiveness muscles become. Notice how others start to look to you to be their “voice” in confusing situations.  See how your willingness to take little risks can help you be more comfortable taking big ones.  And finally, notice how those are all leadership behaviors, that will help you in all areas of your life.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who practices even a bit of risk-taking and uses their personal capital to help improve the culture or conditions in the workplace.  And the more you stretch your assertiveness muscles, the more you grow.

Is Your Open Door Policy Killing You?

A common concern I hear from my executive clients is that they have great difficulty with strategy time.  The issue usually presents itself like this: “I can’t find the time to think when I’m constantly being interrupted.”  OK, why are you constantly being interrupted?  The response is usually a form of, “we have an Open Door Policy, so I have to be available to everyone.”

That gets me all curious about what their Open Door policy actually says. What is the intent of the policy?  Is it to let all employees know that, if they unsatisfied with how they are being treated, they can take their concern up the chain of command without concern for reprisal (in other words, that ‘all doors are open’ to them)?  OR does it say, “You can walk into anyone’s office, at any time, regardless of your issue, and interrupt what that person is doing?” Does the policy say, “by virtue of this policy, YOU can determine the priorities and schedule of the president of the company, because ‘the policy says’ their door must – literally – be open at all times?”

Usually, the first response I get is a puzzled look.  The latter definition is what a LOT of people think Open Door Policy means.

“Here is an opportunity,” I tell my client, “to regain control of your time.”

Thinking – which is a legitimate and important responsibility of a top leader – requires some stretches of uninterrupted time.  And Conversation – which is also a legitimate and important responsibility of a leader – needs to occur.  But the two activities are often mutually exclusive.  So, just as you schedule meetings, you should schedule time to think, strategize, design, and plan.”

Open door policy or not, you are allowed to close your door when you are trying to concentrate or work on what they pay you to do – think about the future.  You can manage your ‘accessibility’ – which is the real issue in an open door policy – by declaring specific hours of operation.  For instance, if your best thinking/strategizing time is in the morning, you might say, “I am not available for meetings before 10:30 AM.”  Or you can say, “I have set aside from 1 until 3 every day for unscheduled meetings.  My door is wide open between those hours.”

Finally, you must enforce the boundaries you define. If your Closed Door time is prior to 10:30, and Suzie sticks her head in because she wants to talk to you about her boss, you need to say, “Suzie, now’s not a good time, as I’m in the middle of __X__.  I’m happy to speak with you at 11 today. Will that work for you?”  And unless it’s an emergency, she’ll likely say, Yes.  You both win – she gets access, and you get to operate as a strategic-thinking leader.  And nobody, including you, has to live in constant frustration.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who can effectively manage their own priorities by learning to Just Say No in a way that allows them to complete their Thinking work, yet still allows time for Conversation with others.

P.S. this tip works if you’re a parent, as well, by the way.  Or a co-worker.  Or even if you are on a deadline and your boss stops by – Just Say No does not mean you can’t talk… it just means that you say, I have this Boundary, and I ask that you honor that boundary just now.

You’re never too old to learn and grow (I hope!)

Our ability to grow is directly proportional to our ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

–Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit: Learn it and Use it for Life

A recent email exchange within one of my coaching groups addressed our discomfort with being stretched outside our comfort zone.  One of my colleagues, Carole, shared this recent story, which I share her with her permission:

“A few weeks ago my 97+ year old father-in-law died after the loving attentions of my mother-in-law could not sustain his life any longer. Although attempts by my husband and his numerous siblings have been made over the last few years to set up an alternative living arrangement, my mother-in-law was not ready to leave her home but has always been insecure about being alone (you can get locked out of the house just going out to your car to get something when you’re visiting because the doors are always set to the locked position).

Her daughters (one local, the other about an hour away) had been spending a lot of time at the family home as Pops’ days wound down and, for the first several days after the funeral, one daughter literally slept in the same bed with my mother-in-law to allow her to be comfortable staying in the house. Then, the following week, the day came when no one was available to spend the night (several in a row, in fact).

After the first night alone, I called my mother-in-law to see how she had fared. What she said was, “I did all right.” She talked about how she had gotten herself to sleep and how she had handled awaking in the middle of the night. And then, after a pause she said, “I had to prove to myself that I could do this.”

I was instantly struck by the fact that she had probably never anticipated that, at age 89, there would still be new challenges to face and to learning to experience!”"

Carole’s story has been sitting with me for over a week, and I recently revisited it when one of my clients, a 30-something manager who just finished his MBA and has been promoted into a senior manager role, spoke of his discomfort with the frequent change in his workplace, saying, “You worked in Corporate America for a lot of years, Jim.  What’s your guess on when this is going to level off for me?”

I just laughed.  Yes, I’m sorry, it was very uncoach-like of me, but I just laughed maniacally for a minute.  And when I could catch my breath again, I managed to squeeze out one word in between my spasms of laughter:  NEVER!

And then I told him this story about Carole’s mother-in-law.  “this is not about work,”  I promised him.  “It’s about life.  Your experience in the world depends very much on how you view change — is it the enemy, to be resisted and fought at every turn…. or is it, simply, the Way Things Are?”

He withdrew the question. 

Remove Barriers to Happiness at Work

A good friend is currently tied up in knots about her workplace culture. The company owner rarely shows up to provide guidance, yet resists giving others the power to put rules and policies into place. So the workplace is chaotic, morale is falling, and my friend is debating whether she will continue to work at a company where she feels like she cares more than the owner does.

Sound familiar? We all know what the Survey Says: while money is an important factor, the MAIN motivators that keep people engaged relate to the opportunity to learn, grow, and do their best work. When working conditions get in the way of our ability to contribute, we get frustrated. My friend claims she could get twice as much done if she could get everyone following a similar process, and she’s not asking for more money to do that – she just wants her boss to ELIMINATE the hassles.

Fact is, the owner of her company could continue to be absentee if he’d show up just long enough to declare an end to some confusing processes. And that’s what most people want from their boss: “Tell me what to do, give me the resources I need, and then get out of my way!”

So as Spring fever kicks in, consider taking some time at your next team meeting to ask, “what’s getting in the way of your doing your best work?” Take notes. Ask the team to prioritize. You won’t be able to address all the barriers, but each one you eliminate will reduce frustration and allow people to use more of their capacity to make progress versus fix problems.

Yes, I’m talking to YOU

By the way… you don’t have to be the one in charge to be a leader in this regard. Sometimes the Boss is simply unaware. So please don’t assume that s/he knows of your misery and is ignoring it. Speak up. Declare that there is an Elephant in the Room, and then request help. Often that’s all it takes to get a conversation going that results in a new process, better access to resources, or clarified expectations.

And once frustration goes down, happiness has a better chance of showing up.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who helps to remove barriers that prevent people from being and doing their best.

The Unforgettable Commencement Address 2009

Happiness is Being True to Who You Are

One of the other speakers at the Singapore HR Summit was Ngahi Bidois, who calls himself a New Age Maori Warrior.  Ngahi — his full name is , Ngahihi o te ra Bidois, which means Rays of the Sun –  is from New Zealand.

20 years ago Ngahi was a college-educated, high-flying, young executive-in-training with a major multinational firm, married to a beautiful woman from the UK, with money in the bank, a house and car, and seemingly having met all the goals he’d set for the himself at that stage of his life.  However, he noticed a hole in his life.

In his talk, he beautifully tells the story of how he came to realize that, in turning his back on his Maori heritage, he was losing a part of himself.  He quit his job and redesigned his life to take his background in leadership and education and use it to strengthen the Maori traditions.  He learned the language of his ancestors, and when he was ready he participated in an ancient tradition, receiving his ta moko, a full-facial tatoo that is the mark of his people, in an 8-hour (very painful!) ceremony. He recently had some incredible photos taken by a guy who’s pix of Ngahi appeared in several national photography magazines.  To see some of the shots (the coolest one is on his home page) visit www.NgahiBidois.com

In his talk on Leadership, Ngahi speaks of being authentic, the importance of listening to others and yourself, and of the importance of Influence in leadership success.  He’s a very inspiring guy, and I was privileged to spend time with him both during a speaker’s forum and at the speaker’s dinner on Wednesday evening.

He is one of the most grounded people I’ve met in a long time — totally happy with where he is in his life.  He really found what was meaningful to him, and now takes obvious delight in taking his message of authenticity and leadership to the world, just as my passion is around leadership and happiness.

Ngahi and I also shared ideas on marketing our messages.  Both of us just finished writing a book and had ‘rush’ printings done so we’d have a small supply to sell at the conference.  Small world!

On a lighter note, the monster.com Monster wandered the huge exhibit hall all during

the conference, and yesterday he grabbed me to take a picture with.  Here’s me and the Monster.  Resumes, anyone?

From Singapore, with Happiness…

Happiness is Seeing Your Child Succeed

Last week I was privileged to attend Kent State University’s annual Student Awards night.  At this event the university recognizes the accomplishments of its many student leaders and student organizations; it also serves as the transition point for all Undergraduate Student Government (USG) positions.

During the past school year our youngest son, Jared, was a Student Senator in addition to serving as president of the largest fraternity on campus, Sigma Chi.  He will serve as one of the six elected USG Directors for the 2009/10 term.  We drove down to see him recognized for his contributions and then sworn in to his new role.

We sat at a table with many of Jared’s fraternity brothers and were delighted to see the quality of character so many of them possess.  These young men, some about to graduate in a few weeks, represent the next generation of leadership for our country. I feel inspired when in the presence of their energy and determination to succeed and create change.

I was pleasantly surprised, as I scanned the evening’s program, to see many of these young men’s names on the list of nominees for several awards.  I was proud to bursting as I realized that Jared’s name was listed for seven out of twelve possible leadership awards, in addition to his USG recognition.

Jared went up on stage several times during the evening to receive recognition for his contribution and accomplishments.  The awards he was nominated for acknowledge leadership, scholarship, commitment to the university, contribution to the community, and so on.  These are all admirable qualities in any young person, and even more fun to watch when that young person is my own child.

I was a proud and happy Dad, for sure!

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