Tiny Stories of Gratitude for the Holidays

A client of mine sent this story as part of his holiday message, and I loved it so much I asked for his permission to share it with all of you. My guest columnist, Rob, is an executive who lives in Chicagoland.

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I ask you all to practice random acts of kindness this season. During the past few weeks a few things have happened that I would like to share.

1. I picked up a pair of shoes from a the cobbler and indicated to the woman in the store that I was excited because I had only one more official Christmas Party to go to.  She said: ” I wish I had a Christmas Party to Go to.”

Let’s Be Grateful for what we have and get to do!

2. I shared with a beautiful woman my goal of teaching at the University of Chicago.  She shared with me that she had received her PhD there and had this set of china with Pictures of the Buildings on them from 1931.  I had just met her.  She left and returned within 10 minutes and gave me the 12-piece set of china.

Be Grateful for the generosity of others!

3. I was able to hear one of my best friends play his violin in Handel’s Messiah.  He was, and it was, amazing.

Be Grateful for the Talent and Growth of others!

4. I was blessed to have lunch with my mom and my aunt in Chicago at the Walnut Room of Marshall Fields.  Generally the wait is 2-4 hours.  I had exchanged holiday greetings with a man on an elevator earlier.  He saw us in line and gave us his reservation which was 45 minutes earlier.

There is an abundance of Generosity in the World!

5. Lunch and the time with mom and Aunt Arlene was a blessing!

Enjoy family and loved ones.  Be grateful!

6. We decided to have dessert at the Cheese Cake Factory on Michigan Avenue.  Another wait was in front of us.  I greeted the host with “Hello and Merry Christmas.”  He stopped and said “What did you say?”  “I said, Merry Christmas.”  He said “you are the first person who said that all day.  Thank you!”  and he seated us immediately

There are so many other miracles that keep happening!

I heard the bells on Christmas Day; their old familiar carols play, and wild

and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American Poet

I Don’t Want to be a Superstar; I just want to be ME!

I wish inspirational commercials like this were actually run on television, where they could reach more people and offer positive messages in the media.

It’s a minute and a half, and the most powerful message comes right at the end: I don’t want to be a superstar; I want to be better than that. I just want to be me!

14 Life Lessons from a Trip to Italy

In May I spent 10 days in Italy with my wife, daughter, son-in-law, and eight-month-old grandson. While we did some touristy things (e.g. you simply cannot visit Florence and NOT see the David!), we also immersed ourselves in the culture.

We never set foot in a hotel or gift shop. Instead, we slept in residential neighborhoods in old convent rooms now run as B&Bs by the nuns, or in an apartment within a medieval-era walled city with a commanding view of olive orchards and vineyards.

Immersion in a foreign culture refreshes the way I view the world. First, the “different-ness” of life in another country or region opens up new awareness; then, my newly expanded lens causes me to review habits and beliefs that were previously “invisible” to me.

Through the lens of learning, I share with you my most powerful life lessons from Italy:

1. Just because you don’t know where you are does not mean you are lost. We circled parts of Umbria and Florence for hours, unable to make sense of the serpentine, one-way roads…and we had a blast!
   Just like in real life, the pleasure’s as much in the journey as the destination.
2. You can be way off track and still maintain balance. I’m a vegetarian who manages my diet to minimize starches and fat.  Not in Italy!  There I consumed huge amounts of pasta, gelato and vino every day, and LOVED it!
   There’s nothing wrong with letting the pendulum swing far in one direction, as long as you ride the swing back in the other direction to keep yourself centered.  To balance our doubling of food, we walked EVERYWHERE!
3. Don’t underestimate the common and familiar. At first, we resisted the vino della casa (the house wine), thinking it was the “cheap stuff.”  We learned that in Italy the house wine (typically ~€3/liter, about $4.50US) was inexpensive because it was made just a few kilometers down the road – and it was always fantastico!.
   Take a fresh look at what is right under your nose and you may be pleasantly surprised. I’m now paying more attention to the Locavore movement, which is all about reconnecting with the great quality of foods and opportunities nearby.
4. Happiness is all around, but there’s not always a Sign. One of my two vices is great coffee, and I was told that “espresso bars are everywhere” in Italy.  I was frustrated until I learned that the bars are typically tiny and, since the locals already know where they are, poorly marked.  Once I had clues, I could find a shot of espresso within minutes.
   Happiness is like that – if you don’t know what you seek, it’s impossible to find.  Seek clarity, and you’ll soon realize it’s right in front of you.
5. Do your inner work, first. Americans are often concerned about the view OF their house, e.g. how others see their house/lawn/gardens from the street.  In Italy, gardens are maintained in hidden courtyards, so the focus is on the view FROM the house.
   When you work on how YOU see the world, you will create more positive change than when you spend all your time worrying about your “image” with others.
6. We build on other’s successes. While we think we are special and so advanced, we are not the first generation to achieve huge innovation and create great works – ancient Rome proves that point. If not for the accomplishments and creativity of those who went long before us, what we have today would not and could not be.
   We have a responsibility to understand history and use it in two ways: as a jumping off point to build a better future AND for lessons on what NOT to repeat!
7. When you move all day, many small steps add up. Our busiest walking day (nearly 20km/12mi!) covered ancient Rome’s central city: the Forum, Palatine Hill, and the Coliseum.  Yet because we stopped for a picnic lunch in the emperor’s throne room and a nap in the palace gardens, we survived the day.
   As the saying goes, “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time;” any big undertaking becomes easier when tackled just one step at a time.
8. Happiness is in the small things and the quiet moments. One of my fondest memories will be of the supreme calm I’d experience each time I stepped off the crowded, frantic streets of Florence and into the dark, cool quiet of the convent lobby.
   Take a moment to breathe.
9. There are friendly people everywhere. We got lost.  We feared pickpockets. We sat down in restaurants where nothing was in English.  We learned that no matter the situation, per favore and grazie (please and thank you) brought out the best in others.
   In life, we often assume that we’re on our own because we buy the “story” that the world is an uncaring and dangerous place. That’s an image created by the media to sell newspapers, cable news, and reality shows.  In the Real World, 98% of the people you ask will return a smile with a smile, and help you on your way.
10. Once you let go of control, it’s easier to enjoy the ride. Italians pay scant attention to breakfast, start dinner “too late, and drive like lunatics on impossibly narrow roads, right?  Well, it took a few days for us to understand, but once we let go of our American “filters” and embraced a different set of rules, we had a better time, and created great stories to tell.
    Let go of your “shoulds” and instead be curious about what is.
11. Don’t sleep with the windows open unless you pull down the screens. Don’t get mad at the mosquitoes – it’s not their fault you forgot!
12. Although it is hard work to climb up hill, the spectacular views from the top make it all worthwhile.
13. Anything that seems strange at first can feel perfectly normal after a week. Exhibit A: pumpkin, sardines, and octopus on a pizza (it was pretty tasty!)
14. There’s no place like home. No matter how delightful the trip, there’s nothing quite as lovely as a good night’s sleep in your own bed!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness offer even more life lessons.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

What would you get on your tattoo?

Last week one of my clients confessed to me that, “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo.” I was amused for a moment, as this client is a high-powered top executive with a very conservative organization– and who has teenagers in the house.

The conversation continued, “I’ve always loved the Celtic symbol for Balance, and now that I’ve made such great progress toward living in balance much of the time, it would be a great reminder for me.”  OK, that made sense.  Then came a question that really caught me off guard:

“What would you get on your tattoo?”

At first, I recoiled from the question.  I hold a lot of assessments about tattoos.  Sometimes I think they are attractive (some are works of art!), sometimes meaningful (2 of my children got a guardian angel tattoo identical to the one worn by their deceased sister), and frequently incomprehensible (d’ya really think that huge gothic skull on the side of your neck is attractive?!).  But never, never for me.

Still,the question reminded me of an exercise in which I participated a few years ago.  The facilitator asked the question, “if you were get a tattoo — which is permanent and forever — what would it be, and where on your body?”  I declared that I would tattoo the eight symbols I write every day in my journal, that represent my eight core values:

Happiness, Love, Health, Creativity, Learning, Authenticity, Spirituality, and Peace.

As for where on my body… I think my core values would need to be where I would see them every day, so perhaps on my upper arm or inside of my forearm.

If I had to go really simple, I might instead opt for the Yin Yang symbol, which for me represents balance and, on many levels, the truth about life — light and darkness, good/evil, life/work, etc.

So, what would you get on YOUR tattoo?

There are Reasons for Optimism

I keep a running list of my favorite inspirational thoughts for use when I need a little lift.  This one just jumped out at me today — a great reminder that whatever I/we might be struggling with today, it’s all temporary.

I subscribe to (and HIGHLY recommend) the daily Note From the Universe from www.tut.com (TUT stands for Totally Unique Thoughts.  They are always unique, always inspirational and, oddly enough, always exactly what I need to hear that day.

I received this message a few weeks ago:

Did you know, Jim, that in your gorgeous little planet’s entire history, there’s never been a drought that didn’t end? A storm that didn’t clear? Lightning that didn’t retreat? An earthquake that didn’t still? A flood that didn’t recede? Or a plague that wasn’t, eventually, overwhelmed by the healthy?

Whatever it is, it will pass.  The Universe

Is that not a great reminder to hold fiercely to Optimism?   Go, Universe!

The Point is to Live the Question

At a recent coaching conference, a wise colleague shared a very powerful practice: the 10-Year Question.

In coaching, questions are the primary tool: the probe, the lever, the dynamite that can explode a story, the key to unlocking awareness.  What sort of question, I thought, could take ten years to answer?  That would be a powerful question, indeed!

“So,” we asked eagerly, pencils poised above our notepads and journals, “what is the 10-Year Question?”

Fact is, a question that powerful does not come from the coach, it comes from the client.  Here’s the question I can ask as a coach: “what is a question that is so big that it will take you 10 years — or more — to completely answer it?”

Are you getting it, now?  It’s YOUR question.  It’s the question you have not dared to ask yourself.  It’s the deep question that you’ve probably ignored in the busy-ness of getting things done.  It’s the question that does not have a clear answer.  Indeed, it may not have any answer.

What is point of asking a question that does not have an answer?  Practice. practice holding the question and notice how the question affects everything you do — the decisions you make, the paths you take, the conversations you find most compelling, the things you become curious about, the part of you that choose to explore.

I met a friend for lunch; I gave her the 10-year question as a “gift” and she sent me a lovely magnet with the following quote, which eloquently captures the spirit and power of a 10-year Question:

“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”

~Rainer Maria Rilke (German poet, 1875-1926)

So, what’s YOUR 10-year question?  And what will happen when and if you have the courage to LIVE that question?  I”m still working on mine….

Happiness is Flying High!

Zip Lining over the Costa Rican Rain Forest

I had a lot of adventures on my recent vacation in Costa Rica — I explored coral reefs, climbed a mountain on horseback, and allowed myself to be strapped to a steel cable and pushed out of tree — upside down.  Yikes!

I took this video on one of my right side up trips.  Gives you a flavor of what Zip Lining over the rain forest canopy is like.  I’m WAY up there in this one, and take a look at the gorgeous sky!

Happiness is truly Flying High!

The Unforgettable Commencement Address 2009

Questioning the Need for Answers

I fear that one of the biggest obstacles to solving our world’s many problems is that we’ve become a society where, if you don’t have THE answer — and the CORRECT answer — on the first pass, you are labeled ineffective.  You are a failure if you don’t have the answer.

I got to thinking about this after a colleague included the following quote in an email:

“In our society, mainly concerned with production and efficiency, the drama is that our capacity for questioning, still so vivid in early childhood, is very quickly eradicated or pushed aside for the benefit of our capacity for answering.
When a child has a real question, most of the time he is immediately given a stupid answer. In the best cases the educator goes to the dictionary to be sure his answer is accurate. But anyhow unconsciously, if not proudly, he closes the question.
From school to the end of our life it is always necessary to answer. We are compelled to learn how to answer. If we don’t know how to answer, we are just no good. So little by little we become some kind of model machine able-to-answer-to-all-situations with all the necessary blindness as regards its own contradictions.
That kind of answering, whose degree of sophistication may sometimes hide from us its conditioned character, is required by our life. But under its dominating necessity, is it possible to keep alive in ourselves our most authentic and precious capacity, which is questioning?”

~Michel de Salzmann, French philosopher and spiritualist, 1976

We seem to have lost our capacity for curiosity.  This, I assess, is a big problem itself.

Consider where we are.  I mean, REALLY consider the situation we are in as a planet — financially, politically, climatically, and as regards energy:  we have NEVER been here before.

We are in totally new territory.  No one (I repeat, for emphasis, NO ONE) has the answers…. heck, we’re not even clear about what the problems are!  We keep treating the symptoms, nothing’s improving.  H-E-L-L-O!  perhaps we could achieve a bit more if we just stopped demanding answers and instead took the time to explore the issues.

Curiosity is one of man’s most powerful tools.  Our ability to question, to probe, to learn distinguishes us from all other species on the planet.  Imagine what could happen if, for just a few months, everyone stopped trying to Solve these enormous problems (which, by the way, hasn’t been workin’ too well!) and spend that time trying to Understand the problems.  Understand the root causes.  Understand the impact of various solutions.  Understand the impact on human lives.  and most of all, Understand the emotions that are attached to both the problems and the potential solutions.

What might be possible if, for just a while, our leaders took the time to look at the world through the eyes of a child?  Hmm.

In the end, I suggest, we’d have better answers.

Change Starts With You

“If you start waiting for other people to stop being stupid, it will take too long.“
~Raskilnikov, in the play Crime and Punishment

Isn’t that just the greatest quote?  Raskilnikov utters this line near the end of the play, shortly before he breaks down and confesses his crime.

He holds a theory that some men are “extraordinary” and are thus exempt from laws (like murder) when they can show how an act of evil can be justified if, in the end, a greater good is made possible. He has a few problems, however, convincing people that his murder of an evil woman is balanced out by the prevention of her future cruelty to others.

He utters the above line as he realizes that time has run out on him — no one’s going to buy his justification…

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Imagine me sitting in a darkened theater at the moment this line is uttered, suddenly startled into looking frantically for a pen to capture the quote before I lose it.   The line perfectly captures the essence of coaching, of my work in happiness, and my belief that I am the only person who can create my world.

Look at that line again.  Now, substitute for the word “stupid” just about any human trait you find irritating, and notice how true it is:

“If you start waiting for other people to stop being IRRESPONSIBLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being MISERABLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being GREEDY, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being UNREASONABLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being UNCOMMUNICATIVE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being CONTROLLING, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being MEAN TO ME, it will take too long.”

See where I’m going, here?  It all comes back to you.  People are going to be who and how they are, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them from being how they are.  So if other people’s behavior galls you, you have only two choices:

1. Let it eat away at you until you become a victim, OR
2. Take responsibility for, and shift, how you react to other people.

I’m not giving anything away to remind you that, in the end, Raskilnikov turns himself in and thus finds peace within himself: he knows that by serving time for his crime, he’s doing the right thing.   He found the courage in himself to change how he responded to the world.

In a similar way you have the choice, every day, to hold onto your current beliefs, or not.  To justify your own actions and behaviors and always be RIGHT in every conversation, or to let go and let others be heard.  You have the choice to be in anger about other people’s “stupidity,” or accept that they are who they are, and move on.

Change starts with you.

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By the way, if you’ve never finished Crime and Punishment because it was just too long and too dense, know that this adaptation, written by Marilyn Campbell and Curt Columbus, does a magnificent job of reducing the story to just 90 minutes.  The play honors Dostoyevsky’s dark, brooding view of the world thru his existentialist lens, yet strips out a lot of the complications and multiple plotlines to bring the book’s primary struggle to life on the stage.

If you’re in Cleveland, note that Crime and Punishment will continue to run thru March 22 at the Drury Theater at Cleveland Playhouse.  According to a coupon in the playbill, if you mention that a FRIEND told you about it, you’ll get $10 off the ticket price.  We sat in the balcony and had a fabulous view of the stage in this intimate theatre — a real gem!

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