John Gottman on Relationships

Studies in the workplace have concluded that the best leaders hit or exceed what’s considered the ideal balance of positive interactions to negative ones.  Well, guess what?  It’s not just about the workplace!

In this less-than-90-second video, John Gottman shares what he knows from two decades of studying personal relationships. (John is the guy who who’s studied people in relationships for so many years that he can watch a 2-minute clip of a couple in conversation and predict — with astounding accuracy — if they will still be married in five years)

5 to 1, people. Share gratitude and appreciation whenever you can. Whether in partnership or in your workplace relationships, the Positive matters!

Put the 13 Happiness Principles into Action

For the past 32 years I’ve been married to an amazing woman who has partnered with me in raising a great family, but who pretty much left me alone when it came to running my coaching and consulting business (except for balancing the books!).  A few years ago, however, she started to pay more attention to my work on Happiness as she noticed they have a real impact.  Please join me in welcoming guest author Cheryl Smith as she shares some of her accumulated learning.

The 13 Principles of Happiness Applied to Real Life

by Cheryl Smith

I am an accountant, not a writer.  Still, I’ve learned a lot about Happiness over the past few years.  What follows are some of my “aha” moments that relate to some of Jim’s 13 Principles of Happiness.

Become Positively Self-ish, #1
I always used to put everyone in my life before me — whether my husband, my children, my parents, or my friends, I always suppressed my own needs.  I remember one Christmas when Jim and I were writing our holiday letter, and I had no personal highlights.  I was the “support” behind most of Jim’s and the kids’ highlights, but I actually had none of my own.

I feel differently now.  I realize how I can give even more if I prioritize my needs, too.  I love children and truly enjoy every minute I can spend with young kids.  Several years ago I seriously considered foster parenting, but life and various health issues altered that path.  I do, however, volunteer once a week at Providence House (a crisis nursery for children) and I get a lot of joy from working with the kids.  When I returned to work after my surgery, in the “heat” of the tax season, I felt that I would have to give up my volunteering.  However, after thinking long and hard, I decided to be positively self-ish and I found the time to maintain my training hours and have continued my volunteer work despite everything else.

Be Authentic, #13
I witnessed an example of this last month when my son got married.  He and Katie chose to celebrate their wedding in the way they wanted whether that met with others’ expectations or not.  They had a small private event in northern Michigan with two dozen of their closest friends and family and then the next weekend they had a celebration in Chicago with a comedy show and a party at a venue decorated with eclectic 50’s décor!

My daughter and son-in-law married several years ago in the gracious splendor of the Basilica of Notre Dame and for them, it was perfect.  Last month was perfect for Justin and Katie.  Neither event was better, just different.

When you Live Your Values (#2) it is much easier to remember what is most important.  When it comes to marriage, it is about making a lifetime commitment to the one you love, whether on a beach in northern Michigan or in the Notre Dame Basilica.  I believe they have both chosen wisely, and in the process been true to themselves.

Build Reserves, #5
I have realized recently that what I want to build reserves of in my life is Memories.  I don’t need extra things; what I want is extra experiences.  I told my family that I don’t want gifts for birthday or Mother’s Day.  Instead, what I want is a chance to get together or to receive a phone call.  I guess that is why Jim, Kelly, Paul, Jared and I gave Justin and Katie a honeymoon trip for their wedding gift.  What we were really giving them was an adventure and an opportunity for memories.

Tolerate Nothing, #6
This principle is one of my favorites and I practice it often, frequently in small ways.  The recent wedding gave me an opportunity to really put it to use.  Because Justin and Katie chose an unconventional path there were some friends and family who were less than supportive of the plans.  At first I was worried about “how to make it right.”  But Katie’s mother and I decided that we would not tolerate, nor worry about, those folks.  We decided that those who came to the events would be those who were supposed to be there, and we would happily celebrate with them.  And we did.

Choose to Respond, #7
Just 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It was not within my brain, but rather inside the lining surrounding my brain; and it was not cancer – but was still a brain tumor!  I chose to respond with all resources available to me.  I had a wonderful surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and nine days after my diagnosis I had 10 hours of brain surgery.  The only open date on the surgeon’s calendar was Christmas Eve, and for a moment I worried about “ruining” the holiday.  But I decided that I have to take care of me (I guess that’s also Principle #1 again).

There are many things in life that we cannot control, but in whatever way possible we must respond and face things head on.  I try to face things as quickly as possible now.  I find that it gives me much less time to worry and far more energy to act.

Pay Attention, #9
I think that staying focused on what is going on around you is critical.  I don’t just mean what is going on at the global level.  I mean what is going on right in front of you!

I will always remember a conversation with my 25-year-old brother-in-law, Sean, the Thanksgiving before his death from Leukemia.  Sean was trying his best to be with family, even though he’d just learned that the cancer had returned.  After dinner I noticed that he had moved away from the group and eventually headed upstairs.  After a few minutes I followed him up.  He was in his cousin’s bedroom crying.  I walked in and just held him.  He said, “ No one wants me to be here, I make them uncomfortable.  No one even came looking for me.”  It was not a time to debate his statement or correct him.  It was just a time to hold him and remind him that we all loved him.

Always pay attention to those around you.

Simplify, #10
This is the principle I find easiest and hardest to incorporate into my life.  I like things simple, very simple, if possible.  But I also like things to be predictable, and I hate change.  But Jim has helped me to learn that change and simplify need not be mutually exclusive.  Change does not have to complicate your life, unless you let it.  Sometimes the very best way to simplify is to allow a change or let go!

Cheryl Smith, CPA, is a wife, mother, and tax accountant.  She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, with her terminally happy husband and two unnamed goldfish.

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Anyone can make the decision to be happy when they PRACTICE an aspect of happiness every day.  Why not post a copy of the 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator so you can put them into action like Cheryl has?  You can download a 1-page summary.  Choose Happiness.

Summer Reading List: In Search of New Titles

The 2010 Summer Reading List
Nominations NOW OPEN

That’s right; it’s almost time for my ELEVENTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL).  Each year before I take my two-week vacation on the Atlantic shore I solicit ideas for great new reads that you’ve discovered over the past year.  I’m looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS.  I’m especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic.** I will check them out, make my selections, and then share the compiled list with all of you, so you can make your own Summer Selections at the bookstore.

If you’d like to participate, please note the following four points:

1. While I welcome the new business titles, I do so much of that all year, so I am STARVING for some great new titles that will help me escape from reality.  Please share what you’ve discovered!
2. I need your ideas by Monday, June 1 — the Tuesday following Memorial Day – in order to give me time to research and get the list published along with the June 23 edition of my newsletter.
3. Please help me manage my Inbox!  Use this link to make your Subject Line, Summer Reading List 2010.
4. Include in the text three items: Full Book Title (including subtitle if you have it), Author, and a full paragraph explaining why you liked/recommend the book.

**If you are new to my SRL or want to get started early on your summer reading, you can find the past three years (’07, ’08, and my 10th annual, ‘09) on my Archives Page.

I can’t wait to hear your recommendations!  In anticipation, Jim

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

If You Think You Can, You Can

Remember Susan Boyle, the frumpy Britain’s Got Talent contestant who wowed the world with her voice and got 6 Million hits on You Tube?  Well, here’s another phenomenal talent video, with nearly as many views… but that you’ve never heard of.

Why?  Because most of the views are from China.

Here’s my shortened version of the backstory that’s making the rounds:

She was a dancer; lost her arm in an accident, went into depression.  Found refuge in teaching dance to children, but never lost her passion.  He was never a dancer; lost a leg in an accident, went into depression.  They met, and she made it her mission to help him become positive about life again.  Through creativity and determination and practice, they found a way to move together, to music.  They struggled, broke up, missed each other, got back together again.

And with the backing of friends and family, decided to enter a dance competition.

Here’s tale of overcoming adversity (if it does not show well on here, view it directly at YouTube)

I am reminded of the wonderful quote by Mary Kay Ash:  “If you think you can, you can.  And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”

I’m glad they tried.

Happiness is Accepting Life as it comes

My mother turned 75 last month.  She’s in pretty good health for an old lady who raised eight kids and has 19 grandchildren.  My dad passed away 23 years ago, and Mom turned out to be quite the survivor — she went to work for Kelly Girls as a permatemp for many years, finished raising my younger siblings, and has retained her independence.

Several years ago vision problems arose, and the doctors diagnosed macular degeneration — slowly but surely she is losing her eyesight.  Still, with a huge magnifying glass and bright light she continued to read voraciously.  And as long as she still had that car in her garage, she could still manage her own life — as long as she only drove on sunny days, to destinations she already knew.

So she kept the car — carrying the insurance and maintenance costs on her limited budget, because of what the car stood for.  This disease is progressive, however, and despite all treatments, Mom recently came to terms with the fact that she is a danger to self and others on the road.  The car had to go.

On a beautiful sunny day last week she took the car out for one last trip to her hairdresser.  When she returned, she turned the keys over to Brandon, a great guy who’s been dating my niece, Elizabeth.  Brandon needed a new car, and who can pass up a deal like this one — the car is ten years old, only has 20,000 miles on it, and was (literally!) only driven by a little old lady to the local mall, church on Sundays… and her hairdresser.

Grandma Mary Ann has cheerfully moved on to the next phase of her life — a little more dependent on others, yet still independent… and always still Smilin’!

P.S.  She does NOT color her hair. I hope I still have that much dark hair on my head 22 years from now!

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience.  After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself.  Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥

This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride.  She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters.  She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.

Take a look at her blog post, here

I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation.  Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web.  I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country.  Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.

♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥

Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme.  I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.

My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.

So the message I brought back into my conversations is this:  If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first.  And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural.  Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.

And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.

So, how might you love yourself more?  What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable?  (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”).  What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into?  Identify a few of those, and start practicing.

As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.

In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim

Mood and Language: which comes first?

In a recent coaching teleclass a participant asked, “is it our mood that creates our language, or is it the words and stories we use that create our mood?”  She was looking for a neat and crisp definition of how people work.

It ain’t that simple.  Figuring out how people work is like solving the Chicken or Egg puzzle – which came first?

The answer to the above question is not either/or; it’s Yes.  Both.

Our head (and our language and stories) and our heart (our emotions/reactions) and our physical self (behavior, non-verbals) are inextricably connected – each affects the other two.

The mood or emotion we’re in affects our behavior and it influences what we say and what we think.  Our thoughts/language lead to the emotion we’re in and also affect our behavior.  And of course our behavior leads to consequences that subsequently influence our reactions and stories.

A recent comic strip illustrated this principle beautifully.  It’s called Non Sequitur (distributedby Universal Press Syndicate).  Some context is important.  The main character, Danae, is a very wise 10-year old girl who wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with a skull, and she is always in a foul mood, believing that everything wrong in the world is the fault of a conspiracy spawned by “booger-brained boys.”

• Frame 1: Danae stands with a smile on her face and thinks: “I’m in a good mood today… I wonder why?”
• Frame 2: “Hmmph… oh, well” she says out loud, and she skips merrily down the street, passing Timmy, a boy who lives nearby.  He turns around and says, “Geez, why’re you in such a foul mood?”
• Frame 3: Startled, Danae asks, “what?” “you said ‘hmmph’…” “So?”  “It sounds cranky” “does not” “If you say so…”
• Frame 4: “Hey, I was in a GOOD mood!”  “Ahh.. ‘was’… past tense…” he says, turning away.  “No… I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!!”  “Then why are you shouting??”
• Frame 5: “’CUZ NOW I’M IN A BAD MOOD!” she screams, black smoke and a death’s head emerging from her mouth. And as Timmy walks away he says, “Hmmph… Well, I was in a great mood ‘til you came along”

I love this strip, although I’m sure the illustrator was not thinking of modeling ontological principles when he wrote it.  He demonstrates first how the mood affects thinking and behavior; then how different language changes the mood and then the behavior – of both parties!

Who we are and how we show up is a constant dance and balancing act between what we think, the emotion we’re in, and what we do.  To live a happy life we must monitor ourselves in all three areas and recognize that even minor shifts in one can transform the other.

Some examples:

• Shifting our “story” about other people’s motives can cause us to move from suspicion to trust to calm to worry… and how we react to those people will vary based on the mood we put ourselves in.
• Taking a few deep breaths can calm both our emotions and our thinking.
• Moving fast and getting caught up in being busy-busy-busy can shift our mood to anxiety and focuses our thinking on what’s NOT done versus what we have accomplished.
• If we are “feeling good” and run in to another person who’s having a bad day, we can hold fast to our own mood by carefully monitoring our language to avoid picking up the conversation that other person wants to pull us into.
• Wearing a smile pulls our emotions up and opens our thinking

So, the answer to Which? is Yes.  If we want to live a balanced life, then, we must attend to all three areas: the stories we tell ourselves and others, the emotions we’re feeling, and how we interact with others.

Have a happy one; and remember that YOU are in charge of how you experience life today!

Happiness is Watching Your Child Succeed, Part 3

My eldest child, Kelly (a regular reader of this blog), has been bugging me since I started it, asking, “when are you gonna write a column about ME?”  For a long time I put her off by pointing out that this is my professional blog, not personal.  Well, since I recently wrote about BOTH of her brothers, I clearly can’t use that excuse any more.  So to keep peace in the family   I will write today’s post about her.

This is Kelly Smith Gibson.  After graduating from the University of Notre Dame, she attended med school at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.  She married a wonderful young man from Seattle in December 2007 in a ceremony that took place in the Basilica at the Notre Dame campus, which is where they met.

Today, she and Paul live nearby and Kelly is a first-year resident in an OB/Gyn program that is run jointly by Metro General Hospital and the Cleveland Clinic.  She delivers babies.  Lots of babies.  A lot of the babies she delivers are born to moms in high-risk pregnancy situations, like those who are very young, very old, and those who have diabetes or other complicating health conditions.  Metro boasts one of the finest high-risk pregnancy units in the country, and I know that Kelly is very proud to be a part of the team there.

Not all is a bed of roses for Kelly.  Students who graduate from Med School in the United States carry a huge debt load.  I get nosebleeds just thinking about how much money she owes in student loans.  Residents work 80-90 hours a week – including a LOT of nights and 24-hour weekend shifts — for not a lot of money.  And she has to study constantly – huge big textbooks and journals and new research into exciting topics like female cancers and rates of morbidity for high-risk pregnancies, and so on.  And hubby Paul just got laid off from his job last week as an Actuarial Analyst for a consulting firm.  And the liability insurance premiums for Obstetricians is a scary number – OB’s have to deliver a ton of babies each year just to pay for their insurance.

AND she and Paul are a very happy and engaging couple whom my wife and feel blessed to count as our friends.

So, Kelly, this is your blog post.  Now the whole world (of my subscribers, anyway) know what a great person you are and how proud I am of you and your accomplishments.

Can we be done, now?

And NO, I’m not writing a post about your dog.

Happiness is Being True to Who You Are

One of the other speakers at the Singapore HR Summit was Ngahi Bidois, who calls himself a New Age Maori Warrior.  Ngahi — his full name is , Ngahihi o te ra Bidois, which means Rays of the Sun –  is from New Zealand.

20 years ago Ngahi was a college-educated, high-flying, young executive-in-training with a major multinational firm, married to a beautiful woman from the UK, with money in the bank, a house and car, and seemingly having met all the goals he’d set for the himself at that stage of his life.  However, he noticed a hole in his life.

In his talk, he beautifully tells the story of how he came to realize that, in turning his back on his Maori heritage, he was losing a part of himself.  He quit his job and redesigned his life to take his background in leadership and education and use it to strengthen the Maori traditions.  He learned the language of his ancestors, and when he was ready he participated in an ancient tradition, receiving his ta moko, a full-facial tatoo that is the mark of his people, in an 8-hour (very painful!) ceremony. He recently had some incredible photos taken by a guy who’s pix of Ngahi appeared in several national photography magazines.  To see some of the shots (the coolest one is on his home page) visit www.NgahiBidois.com

In his talk on Leadership, Ngahi speaks of being authentic, the importance of listening to others and yourself, and of the importance of Influence in leadership success.  He’s a very inspiring guy, and I was privileged to spend time with him both during a speaker’s forum and at the speaker’s dinner on Wednesday evening.

He is one of the most grounded people I’ve met in a long time — totally happy with where he is in his life.  He really found what was meaningful to him, and now takes obvious delight in taking his message of authenticity and leadership to the world, just as my passion is around leadership and happiness.

Ngahi and I also shared ideas on marketing our messages.  Both of us just finished writing a book and had ‘rush’ printings done so we’d have a small supply to sell at the conference.  Small world!

On a lighter note, the monster.com Monster wandered the huge exhibit hall all during

the conference, and yesterday he grabbed me to take a picture with.  Here’s me and the Monster.  Resumes, anyone?

From Singapore, with Happiness…

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