Are You a Maximizer? Part 1

We were waiting to pay for our groceries and realized we’d forgotten the pasta for that evening’s dinner party.  I raced back down the aisle and… um… did you know there are over 50 different options for linguini alone?  Which will our guests most prefer?  Egg-free, whole wheat, organic, tomato or spinach-infused, fresh or traditional, generic or brand name…??

By the time I returned to the checkout I was in a state of high anxiety from trying to make The Best Linguini Decision. “Don’t ever send me to the pasta aisle alone,” I begged my wife.  She just shook her head.

We’re like this with clothes, too. If I need new pants they must be The Best Deal, so I check ads for sales, visit every rack in at least three stores, try on numerous pairs, then (finally) choose.  Cheryl, on the other hand, will visit one store, try on maybe two pair, and buy one.  Done.

Maximizer versus Satisfier

When it comes to making decisions we all fall somewhere along the Maximizer-Satisfier scale. (to find where you land, take this assessment)

Maximizers need to be assured that every purchase or decision they make was the BEST possible. Yet how to know if any given option is the best?  Research.  Get more data.  Delay the decision.  Talk to friends.  Make the decision, but… then worry about whether it was the absolute best choice.

Satisfiers simply want to make a GOOD decision. Like Maximizers, they set out to meet specific criteria in their decisions and purchases.  The difference is that Satisfiers seek excellence, yet don’t obsess over achieving the Absolute Best.  Once they make a decision that is good enough, they never look back.

Let Go to Feel Happier

A continual focus on making the absolute best decisions can be a core talent but, like any strength, can become a weakness when overused. We live in a world of seemingly infinite choices anymore.  If you are unaware of your own drive to always make perfect decisions, you can end up generally unhappy because you’re constantly shy of a near-impossible standard.

Other ideas to help Maximizers reduce the anxiety of decision-making:

1. Choose when to choose. Decide to restrict your options when the decision is not crucial.  For example, make a rule to visit no more than two stores when shopping for clothing.
2. Learn to accept “good enough.” Settle for a choice that meets your core requirements rather than searching for the elusive “best.”  Then stop thinking about it.
3. Don’t worry about what you’re missing. Consciously limit how much you ponder the seemingly attractive features of options you reject.  Practice by focusing on the positive aspects of the choices you make.
4. Temper expectations. “Don’t expect too much, and you won’t be disappointed” is a cliché.  But that advice is sensible if you want to be more satisfied with life.

I hold high standards for my work, but have learned that striving constantly to create perfection is not only exhausting but it tends to feed my procrastination. To counter my own Maximizer tendencies, I’ve asked others for advice.  Now, when I am working on non-critical project I remind myself that “80% is good enough;” and when it comes to meeting deadlines, I consider the words of thought leader Seth Godin, “Done is better than perfect!”

Next: Maximizer and Satisfier in Leadership

Tiny Stories of Gratitude for the Holidays

A client of mine sent this story as part of his holiday message, and I loved it so much I asked for his permission to share it with all of you. My guest columnist, Rob, is an executive who lives in Chicagoland.

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I ask you all to practice random acts of kindness this season. During the past few weeks a few things have happened that I would like to share.

1. I picked up a pair of shoes from a the cobbler and indicated to the woman in the store that I was excited because I had only one more official Christmas Party to go to.  She said: ” I wish I had a Christmas Party to Go to.”

Let’s Be Grateful for what we have and get to do!

2. I shared with a beautiful woman my goal of teaching at the University of Chicago.  She shared with me that she had received her PhD there and had this set of china with Pictures of the Buildings on them from 1931.  I had just met her.  She left and returned within 10 minutes and gave me the 12-piece set of china.

Be Grateful for the generosity of others!

3. I was able to hear one of my best friends play his violin in Handel’s Messiah.  He was, and it was, amazing.

Be Grateful for the Talent and Growth of others!

4. I was blessed to have lunch with my mom and my aunt in Chicago at the Walnut Room of Marshall Fields.  Generally the wait is 2-4 hours.  I had exchanged holiday greetings with a man on an elevator earlier.  He saw us in line and gave us his reservation which was 45 minutes earlier.

There is an abundance of Generosity in the World!

5. Lunch and the time with mom and Aunt Arlene was a blessing!

Enjoy family and loved ones.  Be grateful!

6. We decided to have dessert at the Cheese Cake Factory on Michigan Avenue.  Another wait was in front of us.  I greeted the host with “Hello and Merry Christmas.”  He stopped and said “What did you say?”  “I said, Merry Christmas.”  He said “you are the first person who said that all day.  Thank you!”  and he seated us immediately

There are so many other miracles that keep happening!

I heard the bells on Christmas Day; their old familiar carols play, and wild

and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American Poet

TIPS FOR AN UNHAPPY WORKFORCE

Most employees are already Unhappy, so it doesn’t take much effort to nudge them into Insecurity, as well. Here’s a quick reminder of how easy it is to keep your ungrateful subordinates in their place: under your control.**

1. Keep Them Guessing. Tell them nothing that’s not essential to their tiny little jobs.  First, it’s none of their business.  Second, they’re probably too stupid to understand important business concepts like you do.
2. Watch Them Like a Hawk. Show them why they can’t be Trusted.  Check their bags for smuggled company pens.  When you spot phone numbers of friends or family on the call log, highlight those and send an invoice; as a convenience, offer to dock their pay rather than requiring a bank check.
3. Isolation is Your Best Offense. When you see coworkers talking, tell them that sharing ANY company information is a terminable offense.  Don’t communicate with other departments; if no one knows what you do, it will be easier to act hurt or outraged when your budget gets cut.
4. Leverage Fear to Keep Your Calendar Clear. To minimize useless meetings, loudly slam things around when you’re in your office alone.  If you don’t have walls, put on your headset and pretend you are screaming on conference calls.  Avoid eye contact with underlings – it creates false hope that you are approachable.
5. Remind Them Why You’re the Boss. When you know the answer to a problem, say it quickly so you can demonstrate how smart you are.  If you don’t know the answer, sit back and let them solve it, then point out your excellent facilitation skills.

Remember, It’s ALL about the Title: Who needs to learn leadership skills when fear, intimidation, and the exercise of raw power can get the job done with less effort?  Tell your people to get happy on their own time, not yours.

**P.S. Note from Jim: I did NOT have to make up any of this. Each of these bad behaviors came from stories shared by audience members.  Hopefully none of them work for you!

Be Kind, Not Nice

I recently received a bit of wisdom from a colleague of mine, and it was very important in a conversation I had today with a client, so I”m passing on to you.

First, an important distinction between being NICE and being KIND

Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling–it’s their perception of the situation.

Kind is about what you choose to do and why.

When you want to be nice it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is grace-based discipline

If I want to be nice to my children I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

What is the lesson for leadership and life?

When you fail to provide critical steering feedback to a team member who is heading down the wrong path, you are being nice.  They will go home and feel good about you and the workplace.  When you intentionally create an UNCOMFORTABLE conversation in which you share your observations and engage that person around improving, you are being Kind.  For if no one tells them, how will they know of the issue?

If you have a friend who’s lost their job, it’s probably important to be Nice to them for a short time. Let them cry on your couch.  Invite them over for drinks and a chance to vent about the mean old company.  But don’t be nice forever.  As a friend, you must be Kind, and look your friend in the eyes and say, “You need to find a job, and you can’t do that from your couch.  I’m happy to help you create a more positive story about your last boss, but I’m not going to listen to the old story anymore.  It’s time, my friend, to get over it.”

If you really, truly want what’s best for yourself and for others, think beyond what will allow everyone to feel good about THIS conversation. Instead, think ahead and, if necessary, step into a NEW conversation that may feel uncomfortable, yet will provide the push or shove or difficult feedback — and support — for what is needed in the future.

Be Kind, not Nice.

What are you planting for your future?

I recently took inspiration from a retelling of this story, which speaks to the power of Integrity.

The Emperor and The Seed (unattributed)

Once there was an emperor in the Far East who was growing old and knew it was coming time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or one of his own children, he decided to do something different.

He called all the young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, “It has come time for me to step down and to choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you.” The people were shocked! But the emperor continued. “I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One seed. It is a very special seed. I want you to go home, plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring to me, and the one I choose will be the next emperor of the kingdom!”

There was one boy named Ling who was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the whole story. She helped him get a pot and some planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.

After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept going home and checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by. Still nothing.

By now others were talking about their plants but Ling didn’t have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed.

Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn’t say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot. But she encouraged him to go, and to take his pot, and to be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.

When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by all the other youths. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, “Hey nice try.”

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown,” said the emperor. “Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!”

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. “The emperor knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!”

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. “My name is Ling,” he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, “Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!” Ling couldn’t believe it. Ling couldn’t even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today.

But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grown, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!”

What are you planting for your life and your business? When you plant integrity, you will reap success.  It may not come in the form of $$, but it will show up in how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself, and how you are perceived by others.

“With integrity you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt. With fear and guilt removed you are free to be and do your best.” – Zig Ziglar

Exercises to Strengthen Your Emotional Muscles

Once you’re aware that you have the power to manage your own emotional state, how might you get better at it?  What comes with awareness and observation are more sophisticated/purposeful skills.

I offer the following simple exercises, each focused on a strengthening a different dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

SELF AWARENESS

• Watch Your Emotions: For 2-3 weeks, diary your emotions. After every interaction, take 1 min to give that interaction a “score” (e.g. thumbs up, down, neutral, or a number 1-10) on effectiveness, then name the top 1,2,or3 emotions you felt during that interaction.  (over time, you will notice patterns — which emotions you spend more time in, trigger situations, etc).  Awareness is crucial to deepening your emotional intelligence
• Practice centering. Stand Tall, breathe deeply, connect to the ground, and feel into your Confident body

SELF-MANAGEMENT

• Practice Deliberate Emotions: Identify one or two emotions OTHER than calm/confidence that you would like to inhabit more often. What is the body and breath and story/assessment that go with that emotion, for you? Practice moving yourself into that intentional emotional space once or twice each day.
• Practice Recovery (Note: play carefully, here!): Find a safe space, e.g. at home, or alone in office. with intention, shift into anger, irritation, or some other emotion that gives you trouble, usu by reliving an incident/story. Give yourself a couple minutes to hold that intensity (it helps to set a timer, first). Notice all the visceral signs of that emotion in your body, breath, pulse, thinking, etc. When timer goes off, practice releasing that intensity and moving yourself back to center/calm. (Strengthens your ability to return to calm/center under stress)

EMPATHY/Other Awareness

• Strengthen Awareness: While sitting in meetings, act as observer of each of the other players or at least the key players. Without any assessment as to right/wrong or good/bad, see if you can identify — from language, body language, tone, other visible physical signs — what mood or emotional space that person is in. Do this several times during a meeting, noticing changes. (Strengthens ability to read others).
• Advanced: same exercise, except apply to the overall GROUP mood/emotion. Which person(s) appear to be the stronger influences on that group mood? (P.S. we often do this without realizing we are doing it.  The focus here is on picking up the “mood of the room” with intention).
• Check Awareness: In conversation with others, try to identify/name the mood you are feeling from them. Check your assessment by asking, “You seem ______. Am I reading you correctly, in this moment?”  (Refines your emotional radar)

RELATIONSHIPS/INFLUENCE/Other Management

• Mirroring/Drawing: When in conversations with others, selectively try one of the following:

A) purposefully mirror the mood/emotion of the other, thru standard mirroring techniques, e.g. matching body posture, energy, speed of speech, etc. Notice what effect that has on the conversation, when you Match

B) do the opposite of A — purposefully choose a DIFFERENT space, and shift into that in your speech, energy, non-verbal language, tone, etc. Hold that space with intention. Notice what effect it has on the conversation when you Draw the other

(This pairing is a training exercise/practice for negotiation, e.g. sales conversations, any situations where you seek to influence someone else — a frequent focus for leaders — or where you are striving to hone your facilitation skills, which include being able to shift the emotional space when appropriate)

True Leaders Sustain

When the business blockbuster Good to Great was published in 2001, author Jim Collins introduced us to the distinction between “celebrity” leaders vs “Level 5” leaders. Both get the job done for their companies; they are very different in their How.

The results achieved by celebrity leaders often decline or disappear when they move on, because the primary tool they bring to problem-solving is the force of their personality.  The Level 5 leader on the other hand, keeps the focus on building systems that can be sustained even when players change.

Another difference between the two is the way they respond to success and crisis. The celebrity looks in the mirror to give credit for success, and out the window to assign blame; the Level 5, in contrast, looks in the mirror to assign blame and looks out the window for someone to credit with success.

From my first reading of this book, I named the distinction “Manager vs Leader,” and still see it that way today. The bottom line is that true leaders (the Level 5) step outside of themselves and the comfort of knowing, and into the DIScomfort of not knowing and taking care of others.  There is nothing wrong with being a manager…but the BEST results come from those who model and nurture strong leadership in their organizations.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who builds sustainable systems that best serve the organization, respects people, and shines the spotlight on others, first.

Summer Reading List: In Search of “Must Reads”

The 2011 Summer Reading List
Nominations NOW OPEN

That’s right; it’s time for my TWELFTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL). Each year before I head to the Atlantic shore I solicit ideas for great new reads that you’ve discovered.  I’m looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS.  I’m especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic.** I make my selections from your input, and then share the compiled list with all of you, so you can make your own Summer Selections at the bookstore.

If you’d like to participate, please note the following four points:

1. What are the MUST READS you’ve encountered this year? Please share your discoveries.
2. I need your ideas by May 31 – the Tuesday following Memorial Day – in order to give me time to research and get the list published along with the June 22 edition of my newsletter.
3. Please help me manage my Inbox!  Use this link to make your Subject Line, Summer Reading List 2011
4. Include in the text three items: Title (including subtitle if you have it), Author, and a paragraph telling me why you like/recommend the book.

**If you are new to my SRL or want to get started early on your summer reading, you can find the past three years on my Archives Page (’08, ’09, & ’10).

I can’t wait to hear your recommendations!  In anticipation, Jim

Don’t be a Workplace Crab!

For part 1 of this post, see: Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

Crabs in the workplace are sometimes harder to avoid than personal connections. At home, you can ignore the phone, or say No to invitations.  But at work, they sit right next to you, or you have to work with them every day!  No matter the place, crabs will always seek to pull you down to the bottom of the bucket where they live.  Beware!

Who are the workplace crabs?  Here are some ways to spot them in the wild:

• They often call themselves “realists**” but then spend all their time whining about… well, much of everything.
• They are often unwilling or unable to do the work required to get to the next level, but will blame others at every turn for denying them the opportunity.
• They don’t like to see others succeed, and will often create or support gossip that implies success was unearned.
• They often mock those who take risks, creating discomfort for those who stretch and take on extra assignments or apply for promotional opportunities.
• They studiously avoid change, even when that change will benefit them.
  And please know that I acknowledge change can be very uncomfortable.  However, it’s one thing to avoid it yourself – that’s your own issue.  Crabs are those who try to guilt others into joining them in non-compliance or resistance.

** Note: I make a distinction between Optimists (those who look for the good and *usually* expect things to go well), and Pessimists (those who look for the worst and *usually* expect things to go wrong).  Realists, as far as I’m concerned, will hold a balanced point of view, for in reality some things go well and some things don’t.  When someone says they’re a Realist but then acts like a Pessimist, then I say: “If it quacks like a duck….”

An effective leader does not behave like a crab, at any time and in any venue. Moreover, most good leaders have little tolerance for crabs, as they have a toxic effect on the workplace team.  Still, crabs exist, for they often do their work under the sand, where they are not visible but they still undermine morale in the workplace.

ACTION ITEM: Pay attention to your language: How do you speak in the workplace?  Do you blame others for your troubles?  Do you refuse to try anything new?  Do you mock people who are willing to step up and try something new, or take on a new challenge?  Be careful… you may be a crab!

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who seeks to lift others up, not drag them down!

Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

A most fascinating thing occurred during a keynote talk last week, which inspired this month’s newsletter topic.

My subject was Happiness (of course!) and during my talk I was marginally aware of the fact that a woman at the table just to my right – and in the front row – kept muttering and making a gagging noise during the talk. She was being “just” loud enough to carry across the table to her coworkers, but not so loud that the company president – who sat on the other side of the room – could hear.  Since I’m used to speaking while people are eating or dishes are being cleared, her behavior did not affect me; I was simply aware it was going on.

Near the end of the talk I had everyone in the room stand up for a quick mind-body exercise.  I’ve done this hundreds of times, and it’s a lot of fun. The “gagger” – as I’d now named her in my head – created a tiny “scene” at her table when she refused to stand or participate.  Again, I’ve had that happen before.  But what happened next was what fascinated me.

As I continued my talk, I stood up on a chair, so the drama at the front table unfolded right in front of me. First, the gagger, who was nearly purple in her face (Anger? Embarrassment?) nearly crawled up the arm of the woman next to her until she convinced her to sit back down.  Then she did the same with the woman on her left.  So now, as the activity commenced, there were three sitting and five standing at the table.

I focused on the larger audience, so I don’t know exactly what happened during the exercise.  But as I finished and looked to my right, two more people had been convinced to sit down, one remained standing but looking intensely uncomfortable… and the other two who were standing had moved several paces away from the table and were focused on me.

After the talk, many people came up to apologize for what happened.  I just chuckled and reminded them of a two key points from the talk: one, you can’t change other people, only yourself; and two, happiness is a decision. And clearly, that is a decision the gagger is not ready to make!

Like Crabs in a Bucket

Every summer when we go to the beach, we go crabbing at least once on the marsh side of the island, armed with string and some bait.  As we net our catch, we toss them into a bucket.  Once we catch a dozen or more crabs, they create enough mass in the bottom that any one of them could easily climb out on the backs of their fellow crabs.

But we’ve never had a crab escape.  Why?  Because every time a crab reaches to grab the rim of the bucket and achieve freedom, all the other crabs swarm that one and haul it back down. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, if I’m stuck here, I’m gonna make sure you’re stuck, too!”

After awhile, even the most ambitious crabs stop trying and lay down with the others.  They all die together.

How Do You Recognize a Crab in Your World?

Crabs usually reveal themselves through their language. Sometimes their actions are physical (like the crabs in the bucket) but most often they are more subtle, pulling you or others down with the weight of words:

You’ll never get into that school.
Forget it; you don’t have that much talent.
You could never do that.
No one will want to hire you!
They won’t listen to you.  They won’t give you a chance.
Why even bother? The system is fixed anyway.
That’s so stupid/they’re idiots.
There’s no way you can afford that.
Who do you think you are anyway?  So, you think you’re better than us?
You’re not smart enough.
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re not skinny enough.
You’re not good enough.

None of these statements have truth – they are just assessments someone else is using on you.  Crabs, remember, cannot tolerate having others move up in the world… so they do what they can to keep you down in the muck where they live.

The real sadness is when you hear something so often that you start to believe it is true. It is not true, but it will become true if you let the crabs pull you down!

6 Tips for Dealing with Crabs In Your Life

1. Don’t listen to the crabs. You might hear them out, but don’t let what they say become your Truth.
2. Look for another point of view. When a crab speaks of your situation or the world in only negative, hopeless terms, remember that there are ALWAYS multiple, equally valid perspectives, and you get to choose one for yourself.  Example: when a crab grouses about every grey day, you can remind yourself that clouds carry water, and water is life!
3. Deny their self-appointed Superpowers. When a crab makes a statement that implies they know what “everyone thinks,” or what others feel, say to yourself: “No, actually — you don’t know!”
4. Turn it around. For every Yin there is a Yang, and one way to manage a crab is to turn around their statement and make it about them (well, at least in your head – you don’t need to create an argument, you only need to resist letting what they say pull you down).
5. Yes, And… what they say.  You let the crab “be right” in what they say, then build on it in a different direction.  If they say, “you’ll never get that job” then say, “maybe so, and I know the right job is still waiting for me.”
6. Practice confidence and stability.  It’s a lot easier for a crab to impact someone who’s already fearful and worried.  That’s why it’s super important to practice being in a confident, positive emotional space.  Stand tall with your shoulders back, ground your feet, and breathe deeply.  When you practice that daily, you’ll feel more solid and you’ll be less susceptible to the influence of crabs.

When you regularly practice any/all of the above you may find that, after awhile, the crabs stop bothering you because they no longer get a reaction!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness, when practiced regularly, can inoculate you against the power of crabs.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

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