Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

If You Think You Can, You Can

Remember Susan Boyle, the frumpy Britain’s Got Talent contestant who wowed the world with her voice and got 6 Million hits on You Tube?  Well, here’s another phenomenal talent video, with nearly as many views… but that you’ve never heard of.

Why?  Because most of the views are from China.

Here’s my shortened version of the backstory that’s making the rounds:

She was a dancer; lost her arm in an accident, went into depression.  Found refuge in teaching dance to children, but never lost her passion.  He was never a dancer; lost a leg in an accident, went into depression.  They met, and she made it her mission to help him become positive about life again.  Through creativity and determination and practice, they found a way to move together, to music.  They struggled, broke up, missed each other, got back together again.

And with the backing of friends and family, decided to enter a dance competition.

Here’s tale of overcoming adversity (if it does not show well on here, view it directly at YouTube)

I am reminded of the wonderful quote by Mary Kay Ash:  “If you think you can, you can.  And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”

I’m glad they tried.

Happiness is Accepting Life as it comes

My mother turned 75 last month.  She’s in pretty good health for an old lady who raised eight kids and has 19 grandchildren.  My dad passed away 23 years ago, and Mom turned out to be quite the survivor — she went to work for Kelly Girls as a permatemp for many years, finished raising my younger siblings, and has retained her independence.

Several years ago vision problems arose, and the doctors diagnosed macular degeneration — slowly but surely she is losing her eyesight.  Still, with a huge magnifying glass and bright light she continued to read voraciously.  And as long as she still had that car in her garage, she could still manage her own life — as long as she only drove on sunny days, to destinations she already knew.

So she kept the car — carrying the insurance and maintenance costs on her limited budget, because of what the car stood for.  This disease is progressive, however, and despite all treatments, Mom recently came to terms with the fact that she is a danger to self and others on the road.  The car had to go.

On a beautiful sunny day last week she took the car out for one last trip to her hairdresser.  When she returned, she turned the keys over to Brandon, a great guy who’s been dating my niece, Elizabeth.  Brandon needed a new car, and who can pass up a deal like this one — the car is ten years old, only has 20,000 miles on it, and was (literally!) only driven by a little old lady to the local mall, church on Sundays… and her hairdresser.

Grandma Mary Ann has cheerfully moved on to the next phase of her life — a little more dependent on others, yet still independent… and always still Smilin’!

P.S.  She does NOT color her hair. I hope I still have that much dark hair on my head 22 years from now!

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience.  After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself.  Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥

This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride.  She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters.  She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.

Take a look at her blog post, here

I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation.  Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web.  I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country.  Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.

♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥

Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme.  I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.

My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.

So the message I brought back into my conversations is this:  If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first.  And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural.  Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.

And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.

So, how might you love yourself more?  What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable?  (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”).  What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into?  Identify a few of those, and start practicing.

As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.

In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim

Mood and Language: which comes first?

In a recent coaching teleclass a participant asked, “is it our mood that creates our language, or is it the words and stories we use that create our mood?”  She was looking for a neat and crisp definition of how people work.

It ain’t that simple.  Figuring out how people work is like solving the Chicken or Egg puzzle – which came first?

The answer to the above question is not either/or; it’s Yes.  Both.

Our head (and our language and stories) and our heart (our emotions/reactions) and our physical self (behavior, non-verbals) are inextricably connected – each affects the other two.

The mood or emotion we’re in affects our behavior and it influences what we say and what we think.  Our thoughts/language lead to the emotion we’re in and also affect our behavior.  And of course our behavior leads to consequences that subsequently influence our reactions and stories.

A recent comic strip illustrated this principle beautifully.  It’s called Non Sequitur (distributedby Universal Press Syndicate).  Some context is important.  The main character, Danae, is a very wise 10-year old girl who wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with a skull, and she is always in a foul mood, believing that everything wrong in the world is the fault of a conspiracy spawned by “booger-brained boys.”

• Frame 1: Danae stands with a smile on her face and thinks: “I’m in a good mood today… I wonder why?”
• Frame 2: “Hmmph… oh, well” she says out loud, and she skips merrily down the street, passing Timmy, a boy who lives nearby.  He turns around and says, “Geez, why’re you in such a foul mood?”
• Frame 3: Startled, Danae asks, “what?” “you said ‘hmmph’…” “So?”  “It sounds cranky” “does not” “If you say so…”
• Frame 4: “Hey, I was in a GOOD mood!”  “Ahh.. ‘was’… past tense…” he says, turning away.  “No… I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!!”  “Then why are you shouting??”
• Frame 5: “’CUZ NOW I’M IN A BAD MOOD!” she screams, black smoke and a death’s head emerging from her mouth. And as Timmy walks away he says, “Hmmph… Well, I was in a great mood ‘til you came along”

I love this strip, although I’m sure the illustrator was not thinking of modeling ontological principles when he wrote it.  He demonstrates first how the mood affects thinking and behavior; then how different language changes the mood and then the behavior – of both parties!

Who we are and how we show up is a constant dance and balancing act between what we think, the emotion we’re in, and what we do.  To live a happy life we must monitor ourselves in all three areas and recognize that even minor shifts in one can transform the other.

Some examples:

• Shifting our “story” about other people’s motives can cause us to move from suspicion to trust to calm to worry… and how we react to those people will vary based on the mood we put ourselves in.
• Taking a few deep breaths can calm both our emotions and our thinking.
• Moving fast and getting caught up in being busy-busy-busy can shift our mood to anxiety and focuses our thinking on what’s NOT done versus what we have accomplished.
• If we are “feeling good” and run in to another person who’s having a bad day, we can hold fast to our own mood by carefully monitoring our language to avoid picking up the conversation that other person wants to pull us into.
• Wearing a smile pulls our emotions up and opens our thinking

So, the answer to Which? is Yes.  If we want to live a balanced life, then, we must attend to all three areas: the stories we tell ourselves and others, the emotions we’re feeling, and how we interact with others.

Have a happy one; and remember that YOU are in charge of how you experience life today!

Happiness is Watching Your Child Succeed, Part 3

My eldest child, Kelly (a regular reader of this blog), has been bugging me since I started it, asking, “when are you gonna write a column about ME?”  For a long time I put her off by pointing out that this is my professional blog, not personal.  Well, since I recently wrote about BOTH of her brothers, I clearly can’t use that excuse any more.  So to keep peace in the family :)  I will write today’s post about her.

This is Kelly Smith Gibson.  After graduating from the University of Notre Dame, she attended med school at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.  She married a wonderful young man from Seattle in December 2007 in a ceremony that took place in the Basilica at the Notre Dame campus, which is where they met.

Today, she and Paul live nearby and Kelly is a first-year resident in an OB/Gyn program that is run jointly by Metro General Hospital and the Cleveland Clinic.  She delivers babies.  Lots of babies.  A lot of the babies she delivers are born to moms in high-risk pregnancy situations, like those who are very young, very old, and those who have diabetes or other complicating health conditions.  Metro boasts one of the finest high-risk pregnancy units in the country, and I know that Kelly is very proud to be a part of the team there.

Not all is a bed of roses for Kelly.  Students who graduate from Med School in the United States carry a huge debt load.  I get nosebleeds just thinking about how much money she owes in student loans.  Residents work 80-90 hours a week – including a LOT of nights and 24-hour weekend shifts — for not a lot of money.  And she has to study constantly – huge big textbooks and journals and new research into exciting topics like female cancers and rates of morbidity for high-risk pregnancies, and so on.  And hubby Paul just got laid off from his job last week as an Actuarial Analyst for a consulting firm.  And the liability insurance premiums for Obstetricians is a scary number – OB’s have to deliver a ton of babies each year just to pay for their insurance.

AND she and Paul are a very happy and engaging couple whom my wife and feel blessed to count as our friends.

So, Kelly, this is your blog post.  Now the whole world (of my subscribers, anyway) know what a great person you are and how proud I am of you and your accomplishments.

Can we be done, now?

And NO, I’m not writing a post about your dog.

Happiness is Being True to Who You Are

One of the other speakers at the Singapore HR Summit was Ngahi Bidois, who calls himself a New Age Maori Warrior.  Ngahi — his full name is , Ngahihi o te ra Bidois, which means Rays of the Sun –  is from New Zealand.

20 years ago Ngahi was a college-educated, high-flying, young executive-in-training with a major multinational firm, married to a beautiful woman from the UK, with money in the bank, a house and car, and seemingly having met all the goals he’d set for the himself at that stage of his life.  However, he noticed a hole in his life.

In his talk, he beautifully tells the story of how he came to realize that, in turning his back on his Maori heritage, he was losing a part of himself.  He quit his job and redesigned his life to take his background in leadership and education and use it to strengthen the Maori traditions.  He learned the language of his ancestors, and when he was ready he participated in an ancient tradition, receiving his ta moko, a full-facial tatoo that is the mark of his people, in an 8-hour (very painful!) ceremony. He recently had some incredible photos taken by a guy who’s pix of Ngahi appeared in several national photography magazines.  To see some of the shots (the coolest one is on his home page) visit www.NgahiBidois.com

In his talk on Leadership, Ngahi speaks of being authentic, the importance of listening to others and yourself, and of the importance of Influence in leadership success.  He’s a very inspiring guy, and I was privileged to spend time with him both during a speaker’s forum and at the speaker’s dinner on Wednesday evening.

He is one of the most grounded people I’ve met in a long time — totally happy with where he is in his life.  He really found what was meaningful to him, and now takes obvious delight in taking his message of authenticity and leadership to the world, just as my passion is around leadership and happiness.

Ngahi and I also shared ideas on marketing our messages.  Both of us just finished writing a book and had ‘rush’ printings done so we’d have a small supply to sell at the conference.  Small world!

On a lighter note, the monster.com Monster wandered the huge exhibit hall all during

the conference, and yesterday he grabbed me to take a picture with.  Here’s me and the Monster.  Resumes, anyone?

From Singapore, with Happiness…

The Secret to Living Longer

Last weekend I delivered my “Five Prescriptions for Happiness” talk at the annual Reunion Weekend for the Baldwin Wallace College chapter of Alpha Gamma Delta.  Most of the attendees were current students or recent graduates; there were also a few tables of alumnae with babies in strollers; and a smattering of alums my age.

The Sunday afternoon event capped a day that had started with a fund-raising walk for a local charity and included a festive lunch and celebration, so the mood in the room was quite high.  The women readily engaged in the discussion and the short activities that are part of the talk.

Near the end of my talk, I have the entire audience on their feet for an activity that demonstrates the Mind-Body connection, and this group loved it.  Since I was the closing event for the weekend, the group was adjourned a few mins after my talk ended, and I was surrounded for a few minutes by smiling young women who came over to thank me for delivering such an upbeat message.

Behind the crowd I noticed an older woman waiting patiently for her turn to speak with me.  Eventually the hubbub subsided and she came forward.

“Young man,” she started (I was immediately in love with her – at age 53 I don’t get called ‘young man’ very often anymore!).  “Young man, I agree with everything you say, and I think you’re the best speaker we’ve ever had at this event.”

“Thank you,” I replied politely.  And then a question: “and how many of these have you attended?”  Every single one, it turns out.  Which is a lot.  She and I fell into a longer conversation.

Margaret is 95 years old, and was a 1934 graduate of Baldwin Wallace College.  She is apparently a cultural icon in the BW Alpha Gamma Delta community.  She maintains an active involvement in the chapter; each fall she hosts a barbeque dinner at her house for the chapter and their new initiates…and has been doing so for a LONG time.

She comes across as bright, energetic, and much younger than her chronology would indicate.  I remarked on that.  Her response: “Do you want to know the secret to living a long and happy life?”  “Absolutely!” I declared.

“The secret to living longer is to have friends who are younger.  And now that I’m 95, I have no choice” she said with a wink and a smile.

She’s 95 and stays young by hanging out with 20 year olds – and by keeping her sense of humour sharp.  How cool is that?!

Happiness is Watching Your Child Succeed, Part 2

I am so excited!  My oldest son got engaged last weekend to a wonderful young woman who makes him very happy.

In the improbable manner of the world, Justin (from Cleveland) met Katie (from

Pittsburgh) while they were attending a Second City Improv workshop (in Chicago) two summers ago.  Apparently it was love at first sight.

Justin moved to Nashville to be near Katie for her last year of college, and it’s been great fun to watch their relationship mature.  This child of ours lives a great deal of his life in an Improvisational mode – making it up as he goes along.  Katie is graduating this month from Belmont University in Nashville as a Theatre major, and her dream is to land a spot on Saturday Night Live as an Improv artist.  Thus, she makes a perfect match for Justin.

I loved watching this all from the sidelines, noticing that Romance is far from dead in this turbulent world.  Justin honored the tradition of asking Katie’s parents for their blessing.  He then made them co-conspirators in his plan when they sent him a gold cuff link that was momento from Katie’s beloved grandfather.  Justin had the diamond in that cuff link turned into a one-of-a-kind Claddagh ring (see photo).

Then he planned a trip with Katie and plotted with friends to arrange for music, sparklers, and videotaping of the proposal, which happened when they “coincidentally” made their way down the same Chicago street where they’d had their first kiss.

In the manner of Millennials, the engagement was first announced on Katie’s Facebook page, of course!

We’re looking forward to a very happy event in the summer of 2010.  J

Happiness is Seeing Your Child Succeed

Last week I was privileged to attend Kent State University’s annual Student Awards night.  At this event the university recognizes the accomplishments of its many student leaders and student organizations; it also serves as the transition point for all Undergraduate Student Government (USG) positions.

During the past school year our youngest son, Jared, was a Student Senator in addition to serving as president of the largest fraternity on campus, Sigma Chi.  He will serve as one of the six elected USG Directors for the 2009/10 term.  We drove down to see him recognized for his contributions and then sworn in to his new role.

We sat at a table with many of Jared’s fraternity brothers and were delighted to see the quality of character so many of them possess.  These young men, some about to graduate in a few weeks, represent the next generation of leadership for our country. I feel inspired when in the presence of their energy and determination to succeed and create change.

I was pleasantly surprised, as I scanned the evening’s program, to see many of these young men’s names on the list of nominees for several awards.  I was proud to bursting as I realized that Jared’s name was listed for seven out of twelve possible leadership awards, in addition to his USG recognition.

Jared went up on stage several times during the evening to receive recognition for his contribution and accomplishments.  The awards he was nominated for acknowledge leadership, scholarship, commitment to the university, contribution to the community, and so on.  These are all admirable qualities in any young person, and even more fun to watch when that young person is my own child.

I was a proud and happy Dad, for sure!

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