Don’t be a Workplace Crab!

For part 1 of this post, see: Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

Crabs in the workplace are sometimes harder to avoid than personal connections. At home, you can ignore the phone, or say No to invitations.  But at work, they sit right next to you, or you have to work with them every day!  No matter the place, crabs will always seek to pull you down to the bottom of the bucket where they live.  Beware!

Who are the workplace crabs?  Here are some ways to spot them in the wild:

• They often call themselves “realists**” but then spend all their time whining about… well, much of everything.
• They are often unwilling or unable to do the work required to get to the next level, but will blame others at every turn for denying them the opportunity.
• They don’t like to see others succeed, and will often create or support gossip that implies success was unearned.
• They often mock those who take risks, creating discomfort for those who stretch and take on extra assignments or apply for promotional opportunities.
• They studiously avoid change, even when that change will benefit them.
  And please know that I acknowledge change can be very uncomfortable.  However, it’s one thing to avoid it yourself – that’s your own issue.  Crabs are those who try to guilt others into joining them in non-compliance or resistance.

** Note: I make a distinction between Optimists (those who look for the good and *usually* expect things to go well), and Pessimists (those who look for the worst and *usually* expect things to go wrong).  Realists, as far as I’m concerned, will hold a balanced point of view, for in reality some things go well and some things don’t.  When someone says they’re a Realist but then acts like a Pessimist, then I say: “If it quacks like a duck….”

An effective leader does not behave like a crab, at any time and in any venue. Moreover, most good leaders have little tolerance for crabs, as they have a toxic effect on the workplace team.  Still, crabs exist, for they often do their work under the sand, where they are not visible but they still undermine morale in the workplace.

ACTION ITEM: Pay attention to your language: How do you speak in the workplace?  Do you blame others for your troubles?  Do you refuse to try anything new?  Do you mock people who are willing to step up and try something new, or take on a new challenge?  Be careful… you may be a crab!

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who seeks to lift others up, not drag them down!

Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

A most fascinating thing occurred during a keynote talk last week, which inspired this month’s newsletter topic.

My subject was Happiness (of course!) and during my talk I was marginally aware of the fact that a woman at the table just to my right – and in the front row – kept muttering and making a gagging noise during the talk. She was being “just” loud enough to carry across the table to her coworkers, but not so loud that the company president – who sat on the other side of the room – could hear.  Since I’m used to speaking while people are eating or dishes are being cleared, her behavior did not affect me; I was simply aware it was going on.

Near the end of the talk I had everyone in the room stand up for a quick mind-body exercise.  I’ve done this hundreds of times, and it’s a lot of fun. The “gagger” – as I’d now named her in my head – created a tiny “scene” at her table when she refused to stand or participate.  Again, I’ve had that happen before.  But what happened next was what fascinated me.

As I continued my talk, I stood up on a chair, so the drama at the front table unfolded right in front of me. First, the gagger, who was nearly purple in her face (Anger? Embarrassment?) nearly crawled up the arm of the woman next to her until she convinced her to sit back down.  Then she did the same with the woman on her left.  So now, as the activity commenced, there were three sitting and five standing at the table.

I focused on the larger audience, so I don’t know exactly what happened during the exercise.  But as I finished and looked to my right, two more people had been convinced to sit down, one remained standing but looking intensely uncomfortable… and the other two who were standing had moved several paces away from the table and were focused on me.

After the talk, many people came up to apologize for what happened.  I just chuckled and reminded them of a two key points from the talk: one, you can’t change other people, only yourself; and two, happiness is a decision. And clearly, that is a decision the gagger is not ready to make!

Like Crabs in a Bucket

Every summer when we go to the beach, we go crabbing at least once on the marsh side of the island, armed with string and some bait.  As we net our catch, we toss them into a bucket.  Once we catch a dozen or more crabs, they create enough mass in the bottom that any one of them could easily climb out on the backs of their fellow crabs.

But we’ve never had a crab escape.  Why?  Because every time a crab reaches to grab the rim of the bucket and achieve freedom, all the other crabs swarm that one and haul it back down. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, if I’m stuck here, I’m gonna make sure you’re stuck, too!”

After awhile, even the most ambitious crabs stop trying and lay down with the others.  They all die together.

How Do You Recognize a Crab in Your World?

Crabs usually reveal themselves through their language. Sometimes their actions are physical (like the crabs in the bucket) but most often they are more subtle, pulling you or others down with the weight of words:

You’ll never get into that school.
Forget it; you don’t have that much talent.
You could never do that.
No one will want to hire you!
They won’t listen to you.  They won’t give you a chance.
Why even bother? The system is fixed anyway.
That’s so stupid/they’re idiots.
There’s no way you can afford that.
Who do you think you are anyway?  So, you think you’re better than us?
You’re not smart enough.
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re not skinny enough.
You’re not good enough.

None of these statements have truth – they are just assessments someone else is using on you.  Crabs, remember, cannot tolerate having others move up in the world… so they do what they can to keep you down in the muck where they live.

The real sadness is when you hear something so often that you start to believe it is true. It is not true, but it will become true if you let the crabs pull you down!

6 Tips for Dealing with Crabs In Your Life

1. Don’t listen to the crabs. You might hear them out, but don’t let what they say become your Truth.
2. Look for another point of view. When a crab speaks of your situation or the world in only negative, hopeless terms, remember that there are ALWAYS multiple, equally valid perspectives, and you get to choose one for yourself.  Example: when a crab grouses about every grey day, you can remind yourself that clouds carry water, and water is life!
3. Deny their self-appointed Superpowers. When a crab makes a statement that implies they know what “everyone thinks,” or what others feel, say to yourself: “No, actually — you don’t know!”
4. Turn it around. For every Yin there is a Yang, and one way to manage a crab is to turn around their statement and make it about them (well, at least in your head – you don’t need to create an argument, you only need to resist letting what they say pull you down).
5. Yes, And… what they say.  You let the crab “be right” in what they say, then build on it in a different direction.  If they say, “you’ll never get that job” then say, “maybe so, and I know the right job is still waiting for me.”
6. Practice confidence and stability.  It’s a lot easier for a crab to impact someone who’s already fearful and worried.  That’s why it’s super important to practice being in a confident, positive emotional space.  Stand tall with your shoulders back, ground your feet, and breathe deeply.  When you practice that daily, you’ll feel more solid and you’ll be less susceptible to the influence of crabs.

When you regularly practice any/all of the above you may find that, after awhile, the crabs stop bothering you because they no longer get a reaction!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness, when practiced regularly, can inoculate you against the power of crabs.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

Spit out the poison of Resentment

Today, I received a note from a friend who, several years ago, suffered terribly because of the actions and incompetence of another person.  He said, “I could never forgive him,” but his wife is encouraging him to let it go and move on.

That’s what forgiveness is really about — moving on.  When you hold onto a past wrong and spend time in resentment, it keeps you anchored to the past suffering, re-living it in your mind over and over. It prevents or waters down your happiness, because it is always simmering.

Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting. You cannot forget, it happened, that other person did what they did.  But forgiveness is not about the other person — it is about YOU.  When you carry resentment about a past event, it is like taking the poison and hoping the other person dies. Resentment eats away at YOU, and has no impact on the other person.

The gift of Forgiveness is that it allows you to let go of the resentment and the hold that it has on you.   It is about saying something like, “It happened, it is past. I let go of the hold <that event> has on me — I declare that from this day forward, it will no longer weigh on me or cloud my experience of life. I declare myself free of it and of them.”

Spit out the poison of resentment — and take the antidote of forgiveness.

Tell Your Team that You Love Them!

THE GIFT OF GREAT EMPLOYEES

Recently, one of my clients was stunned by the resignation of a star employee – a woman he’d been developing for an executive role, possibly even as his successor.  He told me he was meeting with her in a few hours to discuss what he might do to keep her.  Then he shared, “I’m going to let her know that she was being groomed for a top leadership spot.”

“You mean to say,” I asked, “that you’d never told her she was on your high-potential list?” Apparently that discussion had never taken place.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I climb onto a soapbox and repeat this message: Tell your people – ESPECIALLY your best talent – how much you love them!

Do you remember how much time and attention you lavished on your best and brightest hires when they came on board? How you carved out time to meet with them during orientation, and rearranged your schedule to spend time in training and nurturing the relationship up front?  And then what?  If you’re like many managers, you got busy let your relationship with them shift to low-grade maintenance.

In other words, there was a point when you started to take them for granted. Big mistake.  While the economy may still suffer in many ways, the reality is that most talented people still have lots of options.

Practice Annual Re-Recruitment

Years ago I learned of the process called “Annual Re-recruitment” — and I share it again in the hope that you might avoid having to engage one of your top high-potential people in the conversation of, “what can you do to keep you?” after they’ve already given notice.

Annual Re-recruitment is stunningly simple.  All you need do is identify the top 15-25% of your people and sit down with each of them for a few-minute conversation**, in which you say, “I’m so glad you are here.  I value your talent and your contribution, and I hope we are letting you know that often enough.  I want you to be with us one year from now.  What will it take for that to be true?” Your own words may differ, but hopefully you get the idea.

Don’t assume people know you value them, unless you tell them directly and often!

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who seeks to build enduring relationships with good people, and who makes it a priority to deliver positive feedback and give people the opportunity to learn and grow.

**And don’t even think about saying, “Jim, I don’t have the time.”  Because then I’m going to ask you, “Oh, but you DO have the time to update the job description, interview multiple replacement candidates, set aside time for onboarding, and then repeat the training process all over again?”  Nuh, uh.  If you don’t have the time to spend nurturing relationships with your best people, then something is awry, and to figure out what, just look in a mirror.  If you call yourself a leader, then behave like one!

You won’t be good at what you don’t do

You would probably not expect yourself to place well in a swimming race if you only got into the pool once every six months. And if you need to generate custom reports from the accounting software, you’ll probably seek training and experience so you can increase your comfort with the programming parameters.

When you engage in ANYTHING on a frequent basis, you become better and better at it, and it becomes easier.  This statement applies whether we’re speaking about a physical skill (like running or ice skating), an intellectual skill (like learning a language or mastering a new software), or an emotional skill (like providing feedback, or sharing feelings in a situation).

You know this is true. So why, if you want to become better at dealing with conflicts and other uncomfortable people situations, do you actively avoid the practice?

“Difficult conversations” come under the third category, emotional skills.  Difficult conversations are usually only difficult because you don’t have them as often, so your skill sets are not as well developed.  Yet if you engage with more frequency in conversations about small concerns (like an unclear email or a small mistake made or a single chore not performed), you will find that your comfort level and skill level both increase, and eventually the “difficult conversations” become easy.

Stop telling me you’re uncomfortable. Do it. Try it. Practice it. work through your mistakes and “sore muscles.” Then come back and tell me about your performance.

You won’t be good at what you don’t do.

Gratitude: You already know how to do this!

Smile Like a Baby

As of the moment I’m writing this, our first grandbaby’s due date has come… and gone. And my daughter is still (very) pregnant.  In fact, she and Paul attended the out-of-town wedding for Kelly’s med-school roommate on her due date.  Until the baby arrives, life remains normal….

Babies don’t pay much attention to deadlines and schedules, do they? Yet they hold a great deal of wisdom about life.  A couple months ago we saw the documentary, Babies, at the movie theater, and were struck by how much babies smile.  A lot.  From very early on.

And then I think about all the adults I work with, and how I actually TEACH the concept of smiling. Smiling appears to be a universal response – regardless of culture, language, social status, or environment, babies naturally smile.  They “get” that a smile is a way to create a positive response in other people.  Smiles attract positive attention.  Smiles get them hugs and kisses.  Smiles change the people around them.

Babies are very wise, I assess. We all know the story after that.  Sometime in childhood, children start to absorb the message that smiling all the time is not acceptable.  And so this universally positive and natural behavior is slowly extinguished, until the adult emerges with a “serious” face as their normal expression.  And they learn that WHEN they show up — in the right place at the right time, keeping to the schedule — is more important than HOW they show up.  Then they must re-learn how to use smiles as a tool to change the environment.

Whenever this baby arrives, I’m looking forward to “re-learning” the natural ability to be happy…and once again enjoy letting go of the need to stay on schedule.

John Gottman on Relationships

Studies in the workplace have concluded that the best leaders hit or exceed what’s considered the ideal balance of positive interactions to negative ones.  Well, guess what?  It’s not just about the workplace!

In this less-than-90-second video, John Gottman shares what he knows from two decades of studying personal relationships. (John is the guy who who’s studied people in relationships for so many years that he can watch a 2-minute clip of a couple in conversation and predict — with astounding accuracy — if they will still be married in five years)

5 to 1, people. Share gratitude and appreciation whenever you can. Whether in partnership or in your workplace relationships, the Positive matters!

Put the 13 Happiness Principles into Action

For the past 32 years I’ve been married to an amazing woman who has partnered with me in raising a great family, but who pretty much left me alone when it came to running my coaching and consulting business (except for balancing the books!).  A few years ago, however, she started to pay more attention to my work on Happiness as she noticed they have a real impact.  Please join me in welcoming guest author Cheryl Smith as she shares some of her accumulated learning.

The 13 Principles of Happiness Applied to Real Life

by Cheryl Smith

I am an accountant, not a writer.  Still, I’ve learned a lot about Happiness over the past few years.  What follows are some of my “aha” moments that relate to some of Jim’s 13 Principles of Happiness.

Become Positively Self-ish, #1
I always used to put everyone in my life before me — whether my husband, my children, my parents, or my friends, I always suppressed my own needs.  I remember one Christmas when Jim and I were writing our holiday letter, and I had no personal highlights.  I was the “support” behind most of Jim’s and the kids’ highlights, but I actually had none of my own.

I feel differently now.  I realize how I can give even more if I prioritize my needs, too.  I love children and truly enjoy every minute I can spend with young kids.  Several years ago I seriously considered foster parenting, but life and various health issues altered that path.  I do, however, volunteer once a week at Providence House (a crisis nursery for children) and I get a lot of joy from working with the kids.  When I returned to work after my surgery, in the “heat” of the tax season, I felt that I would have to give up my volunteering.  However, after thinking long and hard, I decided to be positively self-ish and I found the time to maintain my training hours and have continued my volunteer work despite everything else.

Be Authentic, #13
I witnessed an example of this last month when my son got married.  He and Katie chose to celebrate their wedding in the way they wanted whether that met with others’ expectations or not.  They had a small private event in northern Michigan with two dozen of their closest friends and family and then the next weekend they had a celebration in Chicago with a comedy show and a party at a venue decorated with eclectic 50’s décor!

My daughter and son-in-law married several years ago in the gracious splendor of the Basilica of Notre Dame and for them, it was perfect.  Last month was perfect for Justin and Katie.  Neither event was better, just different.

When you Live Your Values (#2) it is much easier to remember what is most important.  When it comes to marriage, it is about making a lifetime commitment to the one you love, whether on a beach in northern Michigan or in the Notre Dame Basilica.  I believe they have both chosen wisely, and in the process been true to themselves.

Build Reserves, #5
I have realized recently that what I want to build reserves of in my life is Memories.  I don’t need extra things; what I want is extra experiences.  I told my family that I don’t want gifts for birthday or Mother’s Day.  Instead, what I want is a chance to get together or to receive a phone call.  I guess that is why Jim, Kelly, Paul, Jared and I gave Justin and Katie a honeymoon trip for their wedding gift.  What we were really giving them was an adventure and an opportunity for memories.

Tolerate Nothing, #6
This principle is one of my favorites and I practice it often, frequently in small ways.  The recent wedding gave me an opportunity to really put it to use.  Because Justin and Katie chose an unconventional path there were some friends and family who were less than supportive of the plans.  At first I was worried about “how to make it right.”  But Katie’s mother and I decided that we would not tolerate, nor worry about, those folks.  We decided that those who came to the events would be those who were supposed to be there, and we would happily celebrate with them.  And we did.

Choose to Respond, #7
Just 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It was not within my brain, but rather inside the lining surrounding my brain; and it was not cancer – but was still a brain tumor!  I chose to respond with all resources available to me.  I had a wonderful surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and nine days after my diagnosis I had 10 hours of brain surgery.  The only open date on the surgeon’s calendar was Christmas Eve, and for a moment I worried about “ruining” the holiday.  But I decided that I have to take care of me (I guess that’s also Principle #1 again).

There are many things in life that we cannot control, but in whatever way possible we must respond and face things head on.  I try to face things as quickly as possible now.  I find that it gives me much less time to worry and far more energy to act.

Pay Attention, #9
I think that staying focused on what is going on around you is critical.  I don’t just mean what is going on at the global level.  I mean what is going on right in front of you!

I will always remember a conversation with my 25-year-old brother-in-law, Sean, the Thanksgiving before his death from Leukemia.  Sean was trying his best to be with family, even though he’d just learned that the cancer had returned.  After dinner I noticed that he had moved away from the group and eventually headed upstairs.  After a few minutes I followed him up.  He was in his cousin’s bedroom crying.  I walked in and just held him.  He said, “ No one wants me to be here, I make them uncomfortable.  No one even came looking for me.”  It was not a time to debate his statement or correct him.  It was just a time to hold him and remind him that we all loved him.

Always pay attention to those around you.

Simplify, #10
This is the principle I find easiest and hardest to incorporate into my life.  I like things simple, very simple, if possible.  But I also like things to be predictable, and I hate change.  But Jim has helped me to learn that change and simplify need not be mutually exclusive.  Change does not have to complicate your life, unless you let it.  Sometimes the very best way to simplify is to allow a change or let go!

Cheryl Smith, CPA, is a wife, mother, and tax accountant.  She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, with her terminally happy husband and two unnamed goldfish.

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Anyone can make the decision to be happy when they PRACTICE an aspect of happiness every day.  Why not post a copy of the 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator so you can put them into action like Cheryl has?  You can download a 1-page summary.  Choose Happiness.

Summer Reading List: In Search of New Titles

The 2010 Summer Reading List
Nominations NOW OPEN

That’s right; it’s almost time for my ELEVENTH ANNUAL Summer Reading List (SRL).  Each year before I take my two-week vacation on the Atlantic shore I solicit ideas for great new reads that you’ve discovered over the past year.  I’m looking for titles on COACHING, HAPPINESS, and LEADERSHIP topics as well as great NOVELS and frothy little BEACH BOOKS.  I’m especially interested in new genres, etc, as my reading tastes are eclectic.** I will check them out, make my selections, and then share the compiled list with all of you, so you can make your own Summer Selections at the bookstore.

If you’d like to participate, please note the following four points:

1. While I welcome the new business titles, I do so much of that all year, so I am STARVING for some great new titles that will help me escape from reality.  Please share what you’ve discovered!
2. I need your ideas by Monday, June 1 — the Tuesday following Memorial Day – in order to give me time to research and get the list published along with the June 23 edition of my newsletter.
3. Please help me manage my Inbox!  Use this link to make your Subject Line, Summer Reading List 2010.
4. Include in the text three items: Full Book Title (including subtitle if you have it), Author, and a full paragraph explaining why you liked/recommend the book.

**If you are new to my SRL or want to get started early on your summer reading, you can find the past three years (’07, ’08, and my 10th annual, ’09) on my Archives Page.

I can’t wait to hear your recommendations!  In anticipation, Jim

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