You always have the Power to Change YOU

Do you have things or situations in your life that cause you to go, “ugh!”?

I call them Tolerations — things you “put up with” in your life. Because they are often small and invisible, they create stress without your awareness; they drain your energy.

Happiness Principle #6 reads: Tolerate Nothing. Continually identify and eliminate all the little “stuff” which causes you friction and drains your energy.

When I introduce people to the concept of Tolerations they often list issues they are tolerating, but then they get overwhelmed when they consider how much WORK it’s going to take to address them.

No.  Stop.  It doesn’t have to be about you changing them — it’s about you changing YOU, which is a lot easier.

Here’s the thing: people are people, and situations are situations. They are neither good nor bad, hard nor easy.  It is your ASSESSMENT of a person or situation that creates your stress, and many times the easiest way to reduce your stress is to change the story you tell yourself.

Example: For several years, my gym time overlapped with that of a guy I’ll call “Greg.” Greg worked out six days a week, and was in superb physical condition, via swimming, weights, and cardio work.  AND Greg was a neat freak/germophobe.  Each time I crossed his path he would comment on a leaky sink, the odor in the bathroom, insufficient hot water in the showers, etc, etc.  I regularly agreed with him, and we’d have a little pity party….

And I would leave the gym feeling stressed and a little down.

What Greg said was true — stuff wasn’t working. Also true: this was a 60-year old YMCA building, and Greg issues were related to the aging facilities.  One day this situation came up in my tolerations work, and I realized I was whining.  So I adjusted my thinking and my behavior.

In working on myself, I also became aware of what Greg was doing. So I asked him, “If you have so many problems with the place, why do you keep working out here?”  Greg looked at me with surprise.  His first reaction was, “I’ve been coming here for years!” and I came back with, “So have I, Greg… and I cannot think of a time when these were not issues.  You are arguing with reality.  Do you realize that you are tolerating these conditions?”  “Tolerating?”  I explained what I meant, and he pondered that as he dressed and left.

I never saw Greg again at the YMCA. However, we traveled in overlapping business circles, and two months later I saw him at a networking event.  He came over to shake my hand and said, “You were right.  I obsessed about that place, and yet I had the power to change the situation all along.  I found another gym that I like better.  Thank you for showing me that I was putting up with the situation.  It was not them that needed to change – it was me!”

And that’s the point of Tolerations. If you are unaware of something that is draining you, it will continue to Zap your energy. The tolerations exercise gives you the opportunity to say, “that bugs me,” out loud, and really acknowledge it.

Once you do that, you have choices that you did NOT have when it was invisible to you.  You can CHOOSE to remain and whine about it, OR…you can choose to take action, make a plan, make a request of someone else, or even…

…change your thinking about it. Note the contrast between how Greg and I experienced the same reality – shower facilities occasionally smelled and needed constant repair:

• Greg thought, “It should not be like this.  This is wrong.  I am suffering.”  And he took action to find a new place.
• I looked at the same situation and thought, “yes, there are breakdowns constantly; AND they keep it clean and the price is reasonable, and I am willing to accept the tradeoffs.”

We CHOSE different, yet equally effective paths: I let go of the toleration by changing my story, while Greg eliminated the toleration by changing his environment.

Notice that what changed in both situations was US – first, awareness, then making a new choice.

Do This For Yourself

What are you tolerating? Download the complete exercise here.

If you removed a few tolerations, how much better might you feel? Think about it.  Less burdens to carry.  More energy and capacity to focus on what’s important.  More space to feel happiness and contentment rather than the anxiety and stuckness that often accompany tolerations.

And who doesn’t want to be happier?

Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/resources/articles/HP06-TolerateNothing.pdf for complete instructions and a Tolerations worksheet

Drop me a note to tell me what YOU notice when you acknowledge your tolerations. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

Second, Be the Real You

Gifts for the New Year: Be the Real You

Notice all the places in your life where you feel distracted and stressed by how you’re behaving. Happiness Principle #13, Be Authentic, reminds that when you stop trying to “play a role” to fit what you think other people expect of you, you give yourself the space to truly shine based on your real gifts and strengths.

One of my executive clients began a new job in the middle of 2010, but then spent much of the third quarter trying to figure out “what the heck happened” to the happy, joyful person she used to be. She went on holiday the week of Thanksgiving and, after relaxing with friends and family, she started to recover herself.  And then the best part happened.

She spent a week+ in Sierra Leone on the horn of Africa, coordinating an enormous charity initiative for her organization. She lived in primitive surroundings, sleeping in 100F degree heat and 99% humidity.  She had facilities to put on her “usual mask” so she spent her days sans makeup, hair curling in the humidity, and on some days without even a shower.

And when she called me just hours after arriving home, she described herself as “Happier than I can remember feeling in a long time.” The ten days of “deprivation” had helped her get back in touch with that happy, joyful person she really is behind the “serious senior executive role” she’s been trying to play.

So as you continue to prepare for a great 2011, here is today’s reminder: Don’t waste any more time trying to be something or someone that you’re not. Every bit of energy you direct toward diminishing who you REALLY are is energy wasted.  Instead, seek ways to bring your strengths and your talents to work and remember that they hired you to play the part of….YOU!  Unless you’re an actor hired to play a role, don’t even try.  Just be the Real You.

Show up, make mistakes, and be glorious!

Next week:  Practice Optimism

Reduce Your Holiday Stress: Simplify!

We Create Our Own Stress

Do you ever find yourself thinking: “I have too much to do — I feel overwhelmed!?” How we are is a result of choices we make and the way we surround ourselves with stuff and challenges.  Sometimes our choices can leave us busy and full — yet unhappy.  That’s when we need to start dropping what does not serve us.

Happiness Principle #12 says:

SIMPLIFY.  Automate, delegate, or eliminate tasks or goals that complicate your life.  Being content with simpler pleasures increases your opportunity for awe.

Woven through many of the Principles of Happiness is a common thread I call “eliminate friction.” Friction – as you learned in fifth-grade science class — is resistance to motion.  Friction slows things down by removing energy.  A rocket flying through the vacuum of space will move freely, but if it strays near a planet it gets caught in gravitational pull or the resisting force of atmosphere.  The larger the rocket, the more friction it encounters.  Eventually, friction will cause it to burn away until all motion ceases.

While the example is physical, it describes what friction does to you and your happiness. Think about the things that complicate your life – tasks, goals, relationships, commitments, and expectations (and email!).  How many of those feel like appendages on the rocket, splaying out in all directions to catch the atmospheric resistance and slow you down?

To Simplify is not necessarily about giving up goals or possessions or busy schedules, but rather a reminder to keep what we have and what we do in perspective. Simplify is about striving to remove the clutter in our lives in order to concentrate our energies toward those things that really matter.

On another level, Simplify is a suggestion to avoid over-commitment as a lifestyle. When we surround ourselves with all the best and the newest, or try too hard to keep everyone else happy, we actually narrow our options for experiencing our own happiness.  When we live a simple life, we increase our opportunity for awe.

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” –Confucius

Start Planning Now for a Less-Stress Year

As you race toward the start of the busy holiday season and year end activities, don’t let the convergence of work, family demands, holiday gatherings, cooking, cleaning, and shopping push you over the edge into the Dark Pit of Stress.  Start planning now to leave space to enjoy simple conversation and the best of what this time of year has to offer.

Here are some steps you might take to Simplify for a less-stress year-end:

• Schedule “Nothing” Time. Establish time in your calendar to do nothing.  Learn how to be at ease in solitude, silence, and stillness.  Realize you don’t need all that “noise” around you to feel content – plus a little downtime will give you space to recharge your batteries.

• Streamline Your Goals. We typically get 80% of the impact from 20% of our goals.  Line up your personal goals and identify the handful that will provide you the most return on your investment of time.  A simplified focus will increase your output and creativity while reducing your stress.

• Let Something Go. You may already feel some dread building up in you over your holiday chores.  Consider cutting a few things off your list this year through simplifying.  Last year I decided to simplify our outside decorations, and instead of spending hours stringing lights I opted for 10 minutes arranging three red and green spotlights to light the house.  Imagine my surprise when our neighbor across the street took a photo of our simply lit home after a snowfall, then used it in his holiday greeting!

• Spread It Out.  Cook, clean, prep, or celebrate over several days instead of all at once.  One of the things I most DISliked about the holidays was the way everything seemed to happen at once, raising stress levels at a time when we’re “supposed” to be having fun.  One of my least favorite “chores” was the annual house/tree decoration marathon: by the end of a very long day we’d all be crabby and tired.  Five years ago I experimented with starting earlier, bringing out from storage just one box of “stuff” at a time.  Now we do a little decorating every few days over weeks instead of hours, and it turns out to be a lot more fun!

• Ask for Help. Many of you live in the Story that if you take care of everything, people will admire you (or if you don’t get it perfect, people will assess you as inadequate).  But the truth is that most people will help you if you ask, and no one will think less of you.  And if you ask each person who’s coming to dinner to bring a dish, you may even discover a few new recipes to enjoy!

• Say No. The most powerful way to Simplify is to simply say No to something you really do not want to do.  Note: it may take courage to push back against someone who says, “You have to do that.”  I promise you, however, that you will survive skipping the occasional invitation, and the world will keep turning on its axis even if you don’t bake those holiday treats that your family has been making since 1952.

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.  The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.” –Lin Yuta

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The 13 Principles of Happiness can help you plan for more year-end moments of calm and happiness.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and use them as a reminder to Choose Happiness.

Put the 13 Happiness Principles into Action

For the past 32 years I’ve been married to an amazing woman who has partnered with me in raising a great family, but who pretty much left me alone when it came to running my coaching and consulting business (except for balancing the books!).  A few years ago, however, she started to pay more attention to my work on Happiness as she noticed they have a real impact.  Please join me in welcoming guest author Cheryl Smith as she shares some of her accumulated learning.

The 13 Principles of Happiness Applied to Real Life

by Cheryl Smith

I am an accountant, not a writer.  Still, I’ve learned a lot about Happiness over the past few years.  What follows are some of my “aha” moments that relate to some of Jim’s 13 Principles of Happiness.

Become Positively Self-ish, #1
I always used to put everyone in my life before me — whether my husband, my children, my parents, or my friends, I always suppressed my own needs.  I remember one Christmas when Jim and I were writing our holiday letter, and I had no personal highlights.  I was the “support” behind most of Jim’s and the kids’ highlights, but I actually had none of my own.

I feel differently now.  I realize how I can give even more if I prioritize my needs, too.  I love children and truly enjoy every minute I can spend with young kids.  Several years ago I seriously considered foster parenting, but life and various health issues altered that path.  I do, however, volunteer once a week at Providence House (a crisis nursery for children) and I get a lot of joy from working with the kids.  When I returned to work after my surgery, in the “heat” of the tax season, I felt that I would have to give up my volunteering.  However, after thinking long and hard, I decided to be positively self-ish and I found the time to maintain my training hours and have continued my volunteer work despite everything else.

Be Authentic, #13
I witnessed an example of this last month when my son got married.  He and Katie chose to celebrate their wedding in the way they wanted whether that met with others’ expectations or not.  They had a small private event in northern Michigan with two dozen of their closest friends and family and then the next weekend they had a celebration in Chicago with a comedy show and a party at a venue decorated with eclectic 50’s décor!

My daughter and son-in-law married several years ago in the gracious splendor of the Basilica of Notre Dame and for them, it was perfect.  Last month was perfect for Justin and Katie.  Neither event was better, just different.

When you Live Your Values (#2) it is much easier to remember what is most important.  When it comes to marriage, it is about making a lifetime commitment to the one you love, whether on a beach in northern Michigan or in the Notre Dame Basilica.  I believe they have both chosen wisely, and in the process been true to themselves.

Build Reserves, #5
I have realized recently that what I want to build reserves of in my life is Memories.  I don’t need extra things; what I want is extra experiences.  I told my family that I don’t want gifts for birthday or Mother’s Day.  Instead, what I want is a chance to get together or to receive a phone call.  I guess that is why Jim, Kelly, Paul, Jared and I gave Justin and Katie a honeymoon trip for their wedding gift.  What we were really giving them was an adventure and an opportunity for memories.

Tolerate Nothing, #6
This principle is one of my favorites and I practice it often, frequently in small ways.  The recent wedding gave me an opportunity to really put it to use.  Because Justin and Katie chose an unconventional path there were some friends and family who were less than supportive of the plans.  At first I was worried about “how to make it right.”  But Katie’s mother and I decided that we would not tolerate, nor worry about, those folks.  We decided that those who came to the events would be those who were supposed to be there, and we would happily celebrate with them.  And we did.

Choose to Respond, #7
Just 6 months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  It was not within my brain, but rather inside the lining surrounding my brain; and it was not cancer – but was still a brain tumor!  I chose to respond with all resources available to me.  I had a wonderful surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and nine days after my diagnosis I had 10 hours of brain surgery.  The only open date on the surgeon’s calendar was Christmas Eve, and for a moment I worried about “ruining” the holiday.  But I decided that I have to take care of me (I guess that’s also Principle #1 again).

There are many things in life that we cannot control, but in whatever way possible we must respond and face things head on.  I try to face things as quickly as possible now.  I find that it gives me much less time to worry and far more energy to act.

Pay Attention, #9
I think that staying focused on what is going on around you is critical.  I don’t just mean what is going on at the global level.  I mean what is going on right in front of you!

I will always remember a conversation with my 25-year-old brother-in-law, Sean, the Thanksgiving before his death from Leukemia.  Sean was trying his best to be with family, even though he’d just learned that the cancer had returned.  After dinner I noticed that he had moved away from the group and eventually headed upstairs.  After a few minutes I followed him up.  He was in his cousin’s bedroom crying.  I walked in and just held him.  He said, “ No one wants me to be here, I make them uncomfortable.  No one even came looking for me.”  It was not a time to debate his statement or correct him.  It was just a time to hold him and remind him that we all loved him.

Always pay attention to those around you.

Simplify, #10
This is the principle I find easiest and hardest to incorporate into my life.  I like things simple, very simple, if possible.  But I also like things to be predictable, and I hate change.  But Jim has helped me to learn that change and simplify need not be mutually exclusive.  Change does not have to complicate your life, unless you let it.  Sometimes the very best way to simplify is to allow a change or let go!

Cheryl Smith, CPA, is a wife, mother, and tax accountant.  She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, with her terminally happy husband and two unnamed goldfish.

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Anyone can make the decision to be happy when they PRACTICE an aspect of happiness every day.  Why not post a copy of the 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator so you can put them into action like Cheryl has?  You can download a 1-page summary.  Choose Happiness.

Create Space for Happiness: Just Say No

I just finished the most overwhelming month I’ve encountered in a LONG time.

I had a major client project coming to a close (with tons of final meetings), an enormous amount of work for a training program I’m enrolled in myself, a peak of client work, and several out of town trips for work… PLUS a son’s college graduation and another son’s wedding (two weekends of this), all of it out of town and requiring travel….PLUS it’s spring time, and we had to get our garden planted in a specific window and maintain the yard.

Whew!  As much as I walk my talk, all the meditation, breathing, and gratitude practices in the world were not enough to keep me from falling into frustration, overwhelm, guilt (from missing a deadline), and even, on a particularly bad night, from despair.

Hey, don’t lie to me – you’ve been there!  Imagine: There I was, lying on the bottom of the pit of despair and hopelessness, wishing for calm and happiness and satisfaction…when I realized what the problem was.

I was forgetting Happiness Principle #1: Be Positively Self-ish! I’d forgotten that sometimes the shortest path to sanity is to use one of the shortest words in the dictionary: No.

And so I spent the next day working up the courage to start saying No.  I reviewed my calendar, computed how much time I’d need for all my commitments, and calculated that I had more work than hours available.  (Confession – at this point, I had trouble breathing.  Honestly!)

Gulp!  So the first order of business was determining what I would say NO to.  I decided that I would NOT say No to sleep.  (Bad idea, to skip sleep).

Next, I sorted out two projects and renegotiated the due dates.  I started to feel optimistic, once again.  Then the phone rang.

“Hi, Jim.  We really need you.  Right now.  Can you come in and facilitate this leadership meeting for us, right away, for which we’ll pay you money?”  (that’s not really how it went, but that’s what I heard).  Gulp, again.  And I looked back down into the pit of despair and hopelessness…and in that dark place I found a tiny bit of backbone and courage, and I said, “I’d love to!  AND I am totally swamped right now, and cannot commit to any more work until June.  Can that still work for you?”  (My mind raced through many dark scenarios… will they leave me?  Will they say, “no way?”)

Hallelujah!  “not a problem, Jim.  I understand.”  And we looked ahead to the relatively open space on my June calendar.

This conversation repeated a few times, and the wonderful thing is, now my June is pretty full.  Great stuff!  If I’d not found the courage to Just Say No, I would have been completely underwater, and probably trying to edit strategy documents at my son’s wedding last weekend!

Boundaries protect us

When you Just Say No to things you can’t handle right now, you are taking very good care of yourself.  Saying No creates a strong boundary, so that other people know how far they can go and what they can ask of you.  If you have weak boundaries, you can end up in situations you do not like, trying to fulfill commitments you can’t handle… and you’ll be miserable.

And remember, when you take care of YOU, you end up with more capacity to take care of others, and in the end, there’s more happiness to go around for everyone.

Because I Just Said No, I was able to be fully present to all my clients, meet most of my commitments on time, and still spend all my weekends with family.

So when life threatens to run you over, take care of you.  Just Say No.

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Living Happiness Principle # 1, Be Positively Self-ish is critical if you are to open up space to live life on YOUR terms versus everyone else’s.  Why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm. Choose Happiness.

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

Happy-Making With Wordle!

I came across an incredibly fun and visually creative Web 2.0 site today: www.wordle.net. It brought a smile to my face, and I decided to share!

You link to or paste in text (e.g. from a blog, article, whatever) and the site creates a Tag Cloud (visual word cluster — such as you see at this blog site on the lower right, where higher frequency words appear larger, etc)

The Twist that make this site different from “competitor” sites: You can play with orientation (vertical, horizontal, or every which way), the font, the color, and even the language!   Here’s what emerged when I pasted in my 13 Principles of Happiness:

See it at the Source: www.wordle.net

Way cool, eh?!  I’m very visual, so creativity of this sort appeals to me in many ways.  How might I use something like this?  Post an announcement.  Give visual oomph to verbal content.  Make a point in a different way.  Write Visual Poetry ala ee cummings.  Create a PowerPoint slide that’s FAR from boring.

Or maybe, just maybe… for FUN!  For the pure pleasure of it.  We gotta make our own Happiness!

Happiness Changing Lives

I received a Christmas card from someone whose name I did not recognize.  Inside was one of the most poignant messages I’ve ever received from a workshop participant:

“Jim,

I attended your Happiness Seminar at the Cleveland VA Medical Center in October.  It could not have come at a better time for me.  I had, only the week before, finally sought help for my chronic depression.  Some of the tools you presented fit well into the healing plan I developed with my counselor.

Your 13 Principles of Happiness and the advice to eliminate stressors and take my own oxygen first have been instrumental in my progress.  Thank you.

I just want to let you know that warm thoughts are with you throughout the holiday season.”

Wow!  You are welcome!

Knowing that the work I do can create positive changes in the lives of those I touch:  Priceless.  This is why I do what I do.

Happiness — and helping people access that happiness — changes lives.  Way cool!