You Can’t Change Other People

“You can’t change other people. You can only change how you respond to them.” I first heard this life lesson from a mentor when I was a newly minted supervisor 30 years ago. At the time I was struggling with how to manage several very difficult personalities on my team. What I learned in that important conversation with Tiona has served me in many, many life situations.

People are who they are, and you can’t change that. Yet how much time do you spend trying? If you’re like most people, a lot. And you probably find that your efforts, like mine, lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment, maybe anger, and sometimes even guilt. And frustration, lots of that. Because what’s the matter with you, that you can’t “help” them see the “right” way to see the situation, or the “right” way to behave?

There’s nothing wrong with you – you just need to shift your focus from them back to yourself. E.g., What story are you telling yourself? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? What would you rather be doing in the conversation?

A story to illustrate: Last week I attended a business-networking event where I met several new and interesting people. One of them, Patrick, is upbeat and full of energy, and we immediately fell into a spirited conversation. We are both into self-improvement and believe in the power of Positive, so we discovered much we had in common.

At one point, Pat spoke of a situation where he’s having problems remaining positive. He owns a small business that employs a dozen people and for which he is the primary rainmaker/sales person. He loves his work – most of the time. His primary contact at the company’s largest customer is a very aggressive (and sometimes almost nasty) manager who constantly seeks to provoke his “opponent” in every conversation. From experience, Pat believes that this client interprets any sign of weakness as a signal to “go in for blood and finish the kill.” Pat figured that going eye-to-eye with this guy was the only way to survive – so when the client pushes, he pushes back. The tactic seems to work, but Pat feels drained by encounters, and dislikes having to behave that way.

“So,” he asked me, “how can I influence him to change?” I smiled. Then I offered the same advice that began this article: You can”t change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

The story Pat’s telling himself is, “I must stand up to this guy – that’s the only way I can succeed.” Thus he’s approaching every meeting in a mood of intimidation mixed with determination, and his habitual reaction has been to match aggression with aggression, which makes every conversation a battle in which he must hold his ground.

“What would you rather be doing in the conversation?” I asked. Pat said he’d like to get the business but without feeling like he’s been in a fight. So I showed him two simple practices that may help him to succeed in a different way.

First, the verbal skill of Yes, And… This is the foundational language skill we see in Improvisational acting, where the goal is to embrace what comes at you, then build on it to keep the action going. Yes, And is the opposite of Yes, But. Rather than trying to push back on everything this client says, try Accepting it (the Yes) and then Building on what he says (the And…). In other words, let it be a conversation rather than an argument; and notice what happens.

I also taught Pat a quick physical skill to help him shift his presence in the conversation. Pat’s instinctual reaction to his client’s aggression is to Resist. The way this shows up in his body is that he plants both feet, squares his shoulders, and leans forward – sort of like a lineman in US-style football.

The part that works here is his footing – both he and his client need to feel that Solidity. But by always facing off with the client, Pat is constantly “taking a hit,” or absorbing all that negative energy, which is why he feels tired.

So we worked to combine Flexibility with Solidity. I had Pat keep his feet solidly planted, and pull one foot back just a few inches. Then I had him pivot slightly at the waist so that he faced me at an angle. This small shift allows him to deflect the hit, or watch it pass, rather than taking it on the chest.

This physical shift can allow Pat to embody the spirit of Yes, And… as well as support an emotional shift from aggression (solid and inflexible ) to assertive (solid yet flexible). If Pat changes how HE shows up in the conversation, the conversational dynamic will shift even if the other person remains as stubborn as before. And hopefully Pat can emerge from his next negotiation with a contract AND his energy intact!

Do This For Yourself

Is there someone in your personal or professional life with whom you wish to have a different (aka better) relationship? Work through these steps to create a new response for yourself.

1. What story are you telling yourself about that other person? e.g. Joe always does this… or Chris never does that…
2. What emotional state does that invoke in you, even before you start? When you acknowledge your emotion, you give yourself more power to change it.
3. What is your habitual reaction to how they speak or behave? Do you shrink, tense up, get quiet, turn sarcastic, push back, panic?
4. What would you rather be doing in the conversation? Use your power to choose. Name the feeling you’d like to hold when you are in relationship with that person – in other words, how do you want to feel when you are around them? Confident? Caring? Loving? Valued? Accepting? Calm?
5. What body posture would match that feeling? How would you stand, sit, or breathe? Would you be leaning forward, or back? Where would your center of gravity land?
6. Practice the new posture and the new story for awhile, in non-stressful situations, to help your system get used to it.
7. Then try it in the real conversation, and notice what happens when YOU show up in a different way!

Remember: you are half of every conversation; if you shift, so will that next conversation.

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

Do You Keep Happiness “In Place?”

Six weeks ago our youngest son bought us a new chandelier — something that goes better with our remodeled great room.  When we took down the old chandelier, however, we decided it was still in superb condition.

So we polished it up, and hung it… in the master bedroom.

And ever since then, we’ve been getting the strangest reactions from people who have seen our room or heard that we hung a chandelier in such a place.

Very odd looks.  Statements like, “you did What?!”

Yes, we did something very unconventional with lighting.  And now we LOVE how much softer and fuller the lighting is in our bedroom.

But this experience has me thinking about how often I see people segment their life and put things in different places based on “how things are supposed to be.”  They hold a story that ‘this belongs here’ and ‘that belongs ONLY there.’  For example:

• Chandeliers should only be hung in a dining room or kitchen.
• White should not be worn after Labor Day (that was one of my mom’s rules)
• I’m not allowed to get angry on the job
• Real men don’t cry (or wear pink)
• Happiness is only for weekends
• There’s no place for joy in the workplace
• Less desirable emotions (like fear, sadness, anxiety) must be stuffed down
• We can only use Grandma’s china for special family occasions
• Talking about death or aging will cause those things, so they can’t ever be discussed
• Happiness is not important enough to take up space on meeting agendas

When you look at that list you might think, ‘I don’t hold any of those beliefs!’  Perhaps true, but everybody has their stories about what’s proper and what’s not, and what can be talked about & where.

I’m not saying any of those ’stories’ are right or wrong or good or bad… just that they are stories.  Recognize you made them up; and you can make new stories when the old ones no longer work.

My wife and I challenged the story about chandeliers, and made a new one that worked better for us.  I wear pink after years of thinking it was ‘not right.’  and of course I believe that there is absolutely a place for happiness at work!

What stories do YOU hold about What goes Where?  And which stories do you want to rewrite?

Attitude is Everything!

Digging through some old training material, I came across a fun little exercise that I’ve not used in years.  It still makes me smile.

ATTITUDE BY THE NUMBERS:

Using the english alphabet, assign a numerical value to each letter, starting with A=1 and Z=26

Example: Using this formula, the word CAT = 3+1+20=24

Got it?  Let’s try a few others.

HAPPINESS

__+__+__+__+__+__+__+__+__ = ___%

ATTITUDE

__+__+__+__+__+__+__+__ = ___%

This exercise proves that Happiness alone is not enough.  In the end, it is Attitude — the recognition that you can CHOOSE your Attitude — that makes the difference.  For we have just proven, mathematically, that attitude really IS everything!

OK, back to work.  In happiness, J

You can choose your attitude

I found this story on the web, and just had to share!

“There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.  ”Well,”  she said, ” I think I’ll braid my hair today.”  So she did, and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.  ”Hmmm,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair in the middle today.”  So she did and she had a grand day.

When she woke up the next day, she looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.  ”Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.”  So she did and she had a fun, fun day.”

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.  ”Yeah!” she exclaimed. “I don’t have to fix my hair today.”

YOU have the POWER to control your attitude! What a wonderful power to own!