Be Kind, Not Nice

I recently received a bit of wisdom from a colleague of mine, and it was very important in a conversation I had today with a client, so I”m passing on to you.

First, an important distinction between being NICE and being KIND

Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling–it’s their perception of the situation.

Kind is about what you choose to do and why.

When you want to be nice it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is grace-based discipline

If I want to be nice to my children I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

What is the lesson for leadership and life?

When you fail to provide critical steering feedback to a team member who is heading down the wrong path, you are being nice.  They will go home and feel good about you and the workplace.  When you intentionally create an UNCOMFORTABLE conversation in which you share your observations and engage that person around improving, you are being Kind.  For if no one tells them, how will they know of the issue?

If you have a friend who’s lost their job, it’s probably important to be Nice to them for a short time. Let them cry on your couch.  Invite them over for drinks and a chance to vent about the mean old company.  But don’t be nice forever.  As a friend, you must be Kind, and look your friend in the eyes and say, “You need to find a job, and you can’t do that from your couch.  I’m happy to help you create a more positive story about your last boss, but I’m not going to listen to the old story anymore.  It’s time, my friend, to get over it.”

If you really, truly want what’s best for yourself and for others, think beyond what will allow everyone to feel good about THIS conversation. Instead, think ahead and, if necessary, step into a NEW conversation that may feel uncomfortable, yet will provide the push or shove or difficult feedback — and support — for what is needed in the future.

Be Kind, not Nice.

You won’t be good at what you don’t do

You would probably not expect yourself to place well in a swimming race if you only got into the pool once every six months. And if you need to generate custom reports from the accounting software, you’ll probably seek training and experience so you can increase your comfort with the programming parameters.

When you engage in ANYTHING on a frequent basis, you become better and better at it, and it becomes easier.  This statement applies whether we’re speaking about a physical skill (like running or ice skating), an intellectual skill (like learning a language or mastering a new software), or an emotional skill (like providing feedback, or sharing feelings in a situation).

You know this is true. So why, if you want to become better at dealing with conflicts and other uncomfortable people situations, do you actively avoid the practice?

“Difficult conversations” come under the third category, emotional skills.  Difficult conversations are usually only difficult because you don’t have them as often, so your skill sets are not as well developed.  Yet if you engage with more frequency in conversations about small concerns (like an unclear email or a small mistake made or a single chore not performed), you will find that your comfort level and skill level both increase, and eventually the “difficult conversations” become easy.

Stop telling me you’re uncomfortable. Do it. Try it. Practice it. work through your mistakes and “sore muscles.” Then come back and tell me about your performance.

You won’t be good at what you don’t do.

Assertiveness: You Can Do This!

Any emotion that you WANT to experience more can become more natural if you play the role, or practice it, more often.  Let’s look at assertiveness.

In assertiveness, you are able to stand up for yourself or your position from a place of confidence. When you practice assertiveness, you are more likely to get your own needs met and your questions answered without anyone else ‘losing.”

For example, do you ever find yourself in a situation where someone asks, “Are there any questions?” and no one speaks? But you have a ton of questions?  Guess what – it’s very likely that others have concerns or questions similar to yours, but no one wants to be the one to extend the meeting or admit they aren’t completely clear.  99% of the time when someone asks a good question, other people in the room feel relieved because THEY are confused about the same issue, but could not find the courage to raise their hands.  When you do, you will be seen as a little bolder, a little more confident… and you’ll often affect how things roll out.

Or how about when a manager says, “we need a couple people for this task force?”  Do you think, “It will be a waste of time.  I don’t have the energy,” or do you raise your hand to get involved?  When you say Yes to small opportunities, there is risk, e.g. you can mess up, fail, get blamed for what’s not working, and have extra stress in your life.  On the other hand, there is an upside:  you’ve also just put yourself in a situation where you can influence the final decision, learn something new or learn it before others do, make new contacts outside your primary job, and get experience being a spokesperson — all benefits of being assertive!

You can’t win if you don’t play.

The Ohio Lottery for years has used a marketing tagline that says, “You can’t win if you don’t play.”  So get in the game.  Start small. Speak up in situations within your team before you stand up in front at the next all-company meeting.  Or maybe volunteer for a short-term project team to get your feet wet before you try to get on that six-month task force.  Practice, practice, practice pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in tiny ways, even at home or in your community.

And then notice how much stronger your assertiveness muscles become. Notice how others start to look to you to be their “voice” in confusing situations.  See how your willingness to take little risks can help you be more comfortable taking big ones.  And finally, notice how those are all leadership behaviors, that will help you in all areas of your life.

Remember: Leadership is not about a title.  Anyone can be a leader who practices even a bit of risk-taking and uses their personal capital to help improve the culture or conditions in the workplace.  And the more you stretch your assertiveness muscles, the more you grow.

Communicating Unhappy News

As more and more companies must make the difficult decision to reduce staff and send people packing, I’ve had many leaders come to me and ask for advice on what to tell people when they ask questions. When people suspect a lay off is pending, they shift into constant anxiety.

Yet too many top leaders, for their own reasons, insist on “keeping mum” as the official management policy. And it’s the leaders who are frustrated with that policy who come to me and ask, ‘what should I do?’

I usually tell them, “you may be asking the wrong person!” I’ve gotten myself in trouble on numerous occasions for sharing information with my team that was not “supposed” to be shared. Of course, on the flip side, I’ve generally had great trusting relationships with my teams, whether I was running a 12-person financial unit or a 100-member service team. So it’s a balancing game: please the boss and support secrecy, or improve loyalty and retention of team members. It’s not been a difficult choice for me, ever… but just so you know.

By now I’m sure you’ve guessed my counsel to those managers. Here’s my philosophy: In the absence of news, people will make up their own. Do you want them to believe the rumors or the truth? I also passionately believe that people prefer to hear difficult news directly from their manager. When you are sharing the bad news as well as the good news, people trust you more and won’t be looking for hidden agendas.

Plus, I happen to subscribe to the ‘they are all adults’ story… and they are not stupid or blind, so pretending nothing is happening is simply not a smart option.

Bruce Hennes is a local Crisis Communications expert — he goes in to help companies when big things blow up.  While his work is generally around embarrassment and scandal, I love how his tips for great crisis communication work for many common issues, as well.  Bruce’s coaching around any sort of bad news is to NEVER, EVER try to keep it secret — it will only blow up on you. So his top three rules are:

1. Tell the Truth (they are going to discover it, anyway!)
2. Be the First (let them hear it from you, not from others)
3. Tell it all (share what is known)*

*About #3: don’t wait till you have all the facts. Tell what you do know — and what you don’t know. And if you’re sharing opinion or conjecture, make it clear that it’s just your opinion/guess. That way if reality pans out differently, people will still trust you.

Bruce says that the more YOU talk about an issue (following the above), the faster it goes away.  But once the rumor mill (or the media) have it, they will make up anything that’s missing, and sometimes the story they create is much worse than the Truth!

Over the past month I ‘ve coached leaders at two companies thru this very process.  At one organization they had to eventually lay off 20% of their workforce, but the process was going to take two weeks to fully develop. I urged them to keep sharing everything that was firmly decided as it was decided (rather than waiting till the last minute as people were being sent home), and everyone — those laid off and those who survived — felt much better about the process. Sad? Yes. Betrayed? No.

For many who work in organizations today, the news is grim and the conversations difficult.  How can you keep from falling into depression?

Here’s how: Pay attention to how you’re carrying yourself. You and your coworkers/team may not be able to control the business, but you can always control you, how you respond, etc. You can still be an optimist. Some things are falling apart, yes, AND some things are still working. What you give the most attention to will determine your ability to function and lead through it all.

In happiness, J