Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

Exercises to Strengthen Your Emotional Muscles

Once you’re aware that you have the power to manage your own emotional state, how might you get better at it?  What comes with awareness and observation are more sophisticated/purposeful skills.

I offer the following simple exercises, each focused on a strengthening a different dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

SELF AWARENESS

• Watch Your Emotions: For 2-3 weeks, diary your emotions. After every interaction, take 1 min to give that interaction a “score” (e.g. thumbs up, down, neutral, or a number 1-10) on effectiveness, then name the top 1,2,or3 emotions you felt during that interaction.  (over time, you will notice patterns — which emotions you spend more time in, trigger situations, etc).  Awareness is crucial to deepening your emotional intelligence
• Practice centering. Stand Tall, breathe deeply, connect to the ground, and feel into your Confident body

SELF-MANAGEMENT

• Practice Deliberate Emotions: Identify one or two emotions OTHER than calm/confidence that you would like to inhabit more often. What is the body and breath and story/assessment that go with that emotion, for you? Practice moving yourself into that intentional emotional space once or twice each day.
• Practice Recovery (Note: play carefully, here!): Find a safe space, e.g. at home, or alone in office. with intention, shift into anger, irritation, or some other emotion that gives you trouble, usu by reliving an incident/story. Give yourself a couple minutes to hold that intensity (it helps to set a timer, first). Notice all the visceral signs of that emotion in your body, breath, pulse, thinking, etc. When timer goes off, practice releasing that intensity and moving yourself back to center/calm. (Strengthens your ability to return to calm/center under stress)

EMPATHY/Other Awareness

• Strengthen Awareness: While sitting in meetings, act as observer of each of the other players or at least the key players. Without any assessment as to right/wrong or good/bad, see if you can identify — from language, body language, tone, other visible physical signs — what mood or emotional space that person is in. Do this several times during a meeting, noticing changes. (Strengthens ability to read others).
• Advanced: same exercise, except apply to the overall GROUP mood/emotion. Which person(s) appear to be the stronger influences on that group mood? (P.S. we often do this without realizing we are doing it.  The focus here is on picking up the “mood of the room” with intention).
• Check Awareness: In conversation with others, try to identify/name the mood you are feeling from them. Check your assessment by asking, “You seem ______. Am I reading you correctly, in this moment?”  (Refines your emotional radar)

RELATIONSHIPS/INFLUENCE/Other Management

• Mirroring/Drawing: When in conversations with others, selectively try one of the following:

A) purposefully mirror the mood/emotion of the other, thru standard mirroring techniques, e.g. matching body posture, energy, speed of speech, etc. Notice what effect that has on the conversation, when you Match

B) do the opposite of A — purposefully choose a DIFFERENT space, and shift into that in your speech, energy, non-verbal language, tone, etc. Hold that space with intention. Notice what effect it has on the conversation when you Draw the other

(This pairing is a training exercise/practice for negotiation, e.g. sales conversations, any situations where you seek to influence someone else — a frequent focus for leaders — or where you are striving to hone your facilitation skills, which include being able to shift the emotional space when appropriate)

13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Part 2

Happiness frightens some people more than giant spiders. In honor of Halloween, I’ve assembled a list of stories people tell when they try to resist the conversation about Happiness.  As you’ll see, while these myths can feel as scary as any monster, in the end they are only as “real” as vampires and zombies.

13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Continued

See the first 6 Stories

7. Fiction: I’m not ready to be happy yet. I’m poor.  Unemployed.  Sick.  I can’t be happy until…I get out of school, get married, get divorced, have kids, the kids move out, I get a promotion, I get a job, I lose weight, etc, etc.

Fact: No matter what your circumstances, you can experience moments of happiness and contentment if (the big IF) you give yourself permission. Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Happier reminds us, “Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable.” Don’t make your happiness conditional based on some future event occurring…what if you never get there?  The trick, you see, is to enjoy the journey itself.

8. Fiction: I don’t “do” emotional. It’s not macho.  I’m not a touchy-feely person.

Fact: This is the biggest myth of all. You’re human, and as such you are always in some emotional state (even calm and numb are emotions!).  Your comfort with emotions may be affected by your gender, cultural and family background, and context (e.g. work or home).  When you pay attention to your emotions, you gain more control over them, which helps you grow stronger in your own life and in your relationships.

9. Fiction: My life has been full of suffering.  It’s too late for me to be happy.

Fact: Lifelong cigarette smokers who quit soon learn that their body can heal.  Just as it’s never too late to quit smoking, it’s never too late to practice living in a positive emotional state. Start small, with a daily gratitude practice to rebuild your emotional muscles.  In a short time you’ll be amazed at how much lost ground you can make up.

10. Fiction: I don’t know how (to be happy).

Fact: Of course you do – it’s part of the human software.  Even little babies know how to experience quiet contentment, happiness, joy, and curiosity.  Still, if you’ve not used that program in awhile, it may be in storage at the back of your brain.  Activate it, and the first thing you’ll notice is a suggestion to stand taller, breathe deeply and on purpose, and smile with intention.  Fake it… your system will remember the rest. 

11. Fiction: It’s disrespectful to be happy when so much unhappiness exists in the world.

Fact: The worldview offered by the media is a hyper-narrow window on the evil, catastrophe, and breakdowns that affect a relatively small percentage of us. Outside of active war zones, the vast majority of people – regardless of circumstances – claim to be happy most of the time.  To shift your own worldview, Google “good news” or subscribe to http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/, where the daily headlines will warm your heart. 

12. Fiction: I want more from life; if I’m happy, I’ll stop trying.

Fact: Happiness is not an emotion that demands exclusivity.  You can be happy (wanting what you have) and simultaneously feel ambition and desire for a better future. 

13. Fiction: Smiling hurts my face. Yes, I’ve actually had people say this to me.  Could it be true?

Fact: An old urban legend claims that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.  While this makes a great story, we don’t know for sure.  See http://www.snopes.com/science/smile.asp for a serious analysis of this claim.

What we DO know is that human beings serve as mirrors to each other’s emotions. We return smiles without realizing it, and we automatically downshift our mood when we encounter someone who is sad or upset.  Even a baby, shown a picture of a smiling face or a frowning face, will eventually shift mood to match the face.

We also know that we can shift our OWN mood by changing what we wear on our face. So frankly, even if smiling really DOES make your face hurt, try it anyway.  I promise that within a few minutes your heart and the rest of your body will feel lighter and your pain will diminish!

~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness can help you overcome some of these scary stories.  Check them out at http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, where you can also download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and notice how often it comes in handy for coaching yourself or others to Choose Happiness.

13 Scary Stories About Happiness, Part 1

Each year on October 31, Americans celebrate Halloween by dressing in costumes, exchanging candy and, most of all, scaring each other. The usual candidates for fright include Ghosts, Monsters, Zombies, crawly things, and Vampires.

Believe it or not, Happiness frightens some people more than giant spiders. In honor of Halloween, I’ve assembled a list of stories people tell when they try to resist the conversation about Happiness.  As you’ll see, while these myths can feel as scary as any monster, in the end they are only as “real” as vampires and zombies.

13 Scary Stories About Happiness

1. Fiction: I’m too stressed, I’m too busy, and I have too many things going on in my life to be happy. It’s too much work to be happy, and I don’t have time or the energy.

Fact: Yes, living in more positive emotional states can take some work.  The paradox, of course, is that when you carve out some time for happy-making pursuits, your burdens feel lighter, even if they don’t go away. You see, happier people don’t have less work or problems in their life, but they are more resilient and are able to handle more stressful events before they reach their limit.

2. Fiction: I can’t.  He/She/They won’t let me be happy.

Fact: YOU have the final decision about your happiness.  As Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Auschwitz death camp, wrote, “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” Frankl reminds us that even if we are completely under another’s control, we still own our mind and have the power to choose our attitude.

3. Fiction: It doesn’t belong in the business world. Many people fear that talking about emotions – their own or their employees’ – is not a “real” business concern.

Fact: That mindset is SO last Millennium!  It’s now been 11 years since the Gallup organization, in their groundbreaking book, First, Break All The Rules, presented irrefutable evidence that engaged (a politically-correct code word for Happy) employees are more productive, have better tenure and attendance, and contribute more to organizational success than their DISengaged (aka UNhappy) coworkers.

Numerous other workplace studies have proven that those who report feeling happier at work are more creative, healthier, and actually have fewer on-the-job accidents and make fewer errors.  And all that profit-making behavior is very important to business!

4. Fiction: People will mock me and call me names, like Pollyanna. They will say my attitude is unrealistic.

Fact: The stereotype of Pollyanna (a book and movie character) gets applied to people who others assess as “unrealistically optimistic.”  Most people forget that at the end of the story, Pollyanna proved that your expectations tend to create your outcomes. A line from the book reads, “When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will” and of course the opposite, as well.  So, why NOT have positive expectations?  Even if you are occasionally wrong, the journey’s a lot more fun.

5. Fiction: It won’t last (so why bother?).

Fact: This one is true — Happiness won’t last.  But then, neither will sadness, anger, fear, or any other normal emotion. Happiness is a great place to visit, and I hope you get there often.  Yet every emotion has a purpose, and you want to visit those emotions when they will serve you better.  (Tip: try to visit Happiness daily, to keep in practice!)

6. Fiction: My enemies (or boss, or rivals) will think I’m weak. I’ll get hurt.

Fact: The emotional family to which Happiness belongs is a very grounded and solid one. Active practice of the positive emotions like joy, confidence, forgiveness, hope, enthusiasm, ambition, and gratitude actually make you incredibly strong.

See the next 7 Scary Stories

Happiness Isn’t Always The Goal

I recently read an article written by a mom who was dealing with the myriad emotions that sprang up as she moved through the process of taking her only child to college in a distant state.  She spoke of anxiety, sadness, and even panic, and her point was this:

“Feelings are important, but they are not always reliable operating instructions.” In her case, the emotional response would have been to grab her daughter and head back home.  But the rational thing was to leave her daughter behind and let life unfold at college.

“Sometimes,” she went on, “we must make friends with stress and loneliness and grief – or at least pretend to like them for awhile.” This was the lesson she’d learned at a parent orientation session at the college: Happiness isn’t always the goal.

Happiness isn’t always the goal?!  What?!  Yes, it’s true! While happiness is a lovely place to visit, and usually makes the Top 10 Most Desirable Emotions list, the reality is that happiness does not always serve us.

All Emotions Serve Us, In Different Ways

In appropriate doses, every emotion has a purpose. For example, Anger and Fear protect us from harm or the threat of same; Love and Affection help us to build connections with others; Sadness and Grief affirm our humanity by keeping us in touch with what’s important; Envy and Ambition keep us striving to be better; Determination and Perseverance help us maintain progress; Forgiveness releases us from burdens, Pessimism prevents us from overlooking problems, and Hope and Optimism make sure we can dream of a better future.

Another truth is that many of the “negative” emotions are what make the “positive” ones possible.  Happiness is only possible if Sadness also exists**.  Anxiety makes Calm more desirable.  And let’s face it, would you appreciate Joy nearly as much if you did not have to sometimes deal with Frustration and Despair?

The above statements are only true, of course, when you have a healthy relationship with all emotions. If you don’t know how to deal with strong emotions like anger or grief, you may find yourself “stuffing” those down when they rise up, which means you never fully experience them… and so they remain stuck in your system, festering.  People who have difficulty processing strong emotions often end up manifesting those in dysfunctional ways, e.g. unhealthy relationships, addictions, anger management issues, etc.

One of my goals is to help you develop healthy relationships with all your emotions so that you have the capacity to feel anger, fear, or other uncomfortable emotions in an appropriate way – then let them go, to create the space for emotions like calm, joy, satisfaction, and happiness to emerge.

Let It Happen – You’ll Survive!

I know a nutritional coach who claims that the biggest obstacle most people face when trying to change their relationship with food is that they don’t know how to deal with Hunger.  Many people carry the “story” that if they feel hunger, it will harm them.  That’s nonsense, of course.

Hunger is a physical sensation that comes and goes. The emotional “baggage” associated with hunger is a little tougher to deal with.  When a client is ready, she gives them this assignment:  “Tomorrow, after you eat breakfast as usual, you may eat nothing else until 5PM.  You will feel hungry.  I want you to notice that the sensation will come and go.  If you need help, call me before you eat anything.”

At the first sign of hunger, panic can set in. But those who follow the instructions soon learn that if they ignore it, the feeling passes.  They survive.  And by the time they eat their dinner at 5PM, they have learned how to be comfortable with a little bit of hunger as a normal thing.  That leads to a better relationship with food as fuel versus an emotional crutch.

In like manner, the path to better relationships with your stronger emotions begins with allowing yourself to experience some of them in small, controlled doses so that you can learn how to recover and move on.

I once worked with a client who ultra-controlled his emotions, mostly because he feared getting angry. People walked all over him, and he never reacted.  I learned that his mother had uncontrollable rages, and he was convinced that if he got even a tiny bit mad, he’d go immediately to rage.  I asked him, “If you could have a ‘healthy anger,’ what would that look like?”  He painted a picture of standing up for himself, being able to defend his ideas in front of the rest of the team, and confronting a colleague who constantly stole his ideas.

I helped him begin with small conversations and move to larger expressions. He started with one-on-one situations, where he practiced explaining what he was feeling and why he felt that way.  He eventually got used to expressing irritation, then frustration, and finally he learned to speak up in front of the entire group to say, “I am really upset that Chris is taking credit for this breakthrough, since I performed 90% of the research.”  In the end, he learned he could be angry AND controlled, and his reputation – and influence — in the office improved dramatically.

Start small, work your way to bigger.

1.     Practice by allowing yourself to experience and express smaller pieces of the emotions you’ve been avoiding. After my daughter died, I found it too easy to get drowned by my sadness.  One of the ways I learned to deal with it was to limit my remembering to just a few minutes at a time, so that I would feel the sadness but not stay in it for a long time.

2.     Watch a movie that evokes an emotional state. For instance, rent a movie about a sad subject, or a documentary that provokes you into anger, as a strategy for experiencing the emotion for a short time, then being able to step away.

3.     Hold a “limited” conversation with a friend about the subject that evokes a strong response. Talking “about it” with someone you know and trust can help you dip into the emotional space without feeling like it will consume you.  Arrange in advance with your friend to stop the conversation or move into another subject area after a specific time, e.g. 20 minutes.

4.     Practice the skill of getting back to Calm. Try a short daily meditation practice, or simply practice taking deep, calming breaths a few times every day.  This will give you a powerful tool that will help you come back from “the edge” when a strong emotion takes hold.

No matter what route you take to a healthier relationship with your emotions, you will increase your capacity for experiencing ALL emotions. So even when Happiness is not the goal, it can always be an option!

**For more on Why Sadness Matters, see the April 2009 edition of my newsletter

Are You Caught In An Emotional Web?

Do you ever feel like you’re “stuck” in a situation or mindset?

When you get stuck it is often because you are off balance in one of the five domains in which you exist as a human being: Intellectual, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, or Interpersonal.

Intellectual - Human beings are the only species on the planet that can Time Travel. How often do you spend time re-living / fretting / obsessing / savoring about your Past? And how much time do you spend worrying / dreaming / fantasizing / creating your Future? If you are stuck in a story about another time, you may find it quite challenging to live, work, and make decisions in the Present.

Emotional - When you get stuck it’s usually because the story you’re telling yourself about the Past/Future or Present evokes a strong emotion. You are always in some emotional state, of course, but the stronger the emotion, the farther you are from the place of rational calm where decisions are easier.

Think of your emotions as being spread out in a web around you (see figure). Each emotional “family” exists on a strand of intensity. As a very simple example, on the Anger strand Irritation is a fairly mild emotion. Frustration is a notch higher, Anger more intense, and at Rage one can spiral totally out of control. The Fear strand might start with low-level worry, escalating to the unreasoning state of Panic. The farther one moves from the center, the more intense the experience – and the more difficult it can be to make rational decisions. Yes, this is true even of the more positive emotions, as you can see from the Love strand.

Think of a spider and their web. Notice spiders always sit in the center of their web. Why? Because that is the strongest place. The farther out on a strand they go, the more vulnerable they become. The best path to any part of the web always runs THROUGH the center.

Physical - When you feel off balance in your body it is a literal experience, e.g. when you lean too far, sit in an awkward position, breathe very high in your body, or exceed your physical limitations (like climbing stairs or running too fast). Your intellectual story and the emotional response that goes with it can also affect your breathing and pulse rate in negative ways.

Spiritual – Imbalance in this domain occurs when you notice a break in the connection between you and the rest of the Universe. It’s not about religion; whether you are a Catholic, Muslim, agnostic, or tree-worshipper, your system craves to feel loved and legitimate in the world. When that is missing, you can feel groundless and unable to act.

Interpersonal - You get stuck around interpersonal issues when it’s about them, them, them. Most relationship problems are rooted not in the other person, but in the thought you have that “they” should change or be different. The more you hold that story (“why can’t THEY change?”) the more out of balance and stressed you feel, because you are essentially making yourself a Victim.

To Get Unstuck, Come Back To Center

A common effect across all five domains is this: the farther you are from your Center, the more likely you will feel stuck, unbalanced, disconnected, or out of control. So let’s explore the nature of Center.

Your Intellectual center is Now. When you come back from time traveling to be fully Present, you are at your most powerful.

Your Emotional center is calm, or Choice. From Calm, you can make better decisions and choose which emotional state will serve you best.

Your Physical center is your solar plexus, just below your navel. The Vitruvian Man (see illustration) demonstrates this. When you shift from autopilot into awareness of your body you ground yourself in the Here and now.

Your Spiritual center is Self-Acceptance, the place where you can say, “I am.” I am, I accept myself with no conditions. I am loved. I have legitimacy, I have the right to exist.

Your Interpersonal center is also You. In any interaction, you are 50% of the conversation… and you are only 50%. So if there’s anything going on in a relationship, what can you control? You – your story, your beliefs, and your attitude toward the other person(s).

I/It versus I/Thou

When your attitude is “I/It,” your relationship to others is transactional, where every conversation is more or less about what you can get out of it. When you hold an “I/Thou” mindset, you hold others in a place of respect that acknowledges their sacredness or legitimacy, where your conversation is, “I am legitimate and you also are legitimate and deserve respect.” An I/Thou mindset pulls you out of victimhood and into Strength. You access I/Thou when you are fully present in your body.

So these are your five centers: – Now, Calm (or Choice), Here, I am, I/Thou.

Exercise: Accessing Your Five Centers

I invite you to engage in an exercise. I want to show how in just a few seconds you can access all Five Centers simultaneously.

To begin, sit back in your seat and place your feet flat on the floor. Become aware of your breath as it enters and leaves your body. As you focus, consciously shift to breathing in and out through your nose.

Feel the rush of air as it races through your sinus cavities. Know that your sinus cavities are just below the part of brain that controls your emotions, the amygdala. From a neuro-biological perspective, when you take in a long, deep breath through your nose you send cool air across the surface of the amygdala, thus cooling it and decreasing blood flow – which automatically calms whatever emotional state you’re experiencing. (For those who do yoga, this is the Ujayi breath – Very powerful.)

Next, move your attention to where your breath goes inside your body. Consciously move your breath deeper into your body, until you can feel it coming all the way down to your physical center, your solar plexus. (To aid in this, you might place a hand on your belly just below your navel.)

Now let’s just take a long, deep breath together. Take the breath in through your nose. And notice how in this one moment, this is all you are thinking about. Notice how that deep breath evokes calm. You are fully present in your own body.

You are, in this moment, aligned in your Five Centers. Now.  Calm.  Here.  I am.  I/Thou.

Pretty cool, huh? Just from breathing…

I invite you to take one more deep breath, and remember how easy it is to pull yourself back from the rest of the universe and center yourself in Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit, Relationships. One breath: Now, calm, Here, I am, I/Thou.

Remember, you are what you repeatedly do. If this exercise resonates for you, make time every day to practice it. In time, your entire system will know what to do when you are under stress: Just breathe!

It’s Time for Spring Cleaning!

Ah, Spring!  The days are longer.  The sun shines brighter.

Oh, and as it shines in and brightens my home, I’m suddenly aware of a winter’s worth of dirt on the windows, dark paths on the carpeting from tracked-in winter slush, and cobwebs in the dim recesses that were invisible in the grey light of winter.

Hey, it’s time for Spring Cleaning.  Let’s bring in some fresh air and bright sunshine while we get rid of the crud that’s accumulated over the past year.

Here are some ideas to clean up your physical and emotional houses this month.

Spring Cleaning Tips

Wash the Windows. Windows don’t get dirty overnight.  But over months and years the drips and streaks build up a little at a time until even a sunny day looks drab and colorless.  So it is with our emotional lives.  We build up judgments and beliefs ever so slowly, and then one day we wake up and think, “When did the world turn so negative?”  To reveal what is truly happening in the world, we need to occasionally clear the film we’ve allowed to accumulate.

So in your house, use your favorite window cleaner and a dry rag.  In your head and heart try scraping away a few assessments that are no longer serving you.  Wipe away any opinion you hold that includes NEVER or ALWAYS, conditions that cloud judgment.  For example, is your sister/neighbor/coworker/boss ALWAYS that way, or is it that your “filters” only let through the evidence that supports your expectation?  Clean windows let you see what’s really happening and give you a brighter experience.

Clear the Cobwebs. Spiders weave their webs and then move on to new locations.  A dust mop or a rag on a stick will clear away the dusty old webs that got left behind.

Old stories are the cobwebs of the mind.  What’s gathering dust in your head?  Do you hear, “I can’t …” or “I don’t deserve…” or “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” If the story ain’t workin’ for you, try poking it with a stick and then spin a new story in its place, like, “I’m enough,” “I can…,” and “I deserve to be happy!”

Shampoo the Rug, Move Some Furniture. Rug trails come from people walking the same path over and again.  In a similar way, things you do over and again form deep neural pathways until they become what we call Habits.

To unmark the path, clean the carpet.  Then rearrange one or two pieces of furniture to shift traffic patterns to a new location (this really works!)

To create new Habits, follow a similar process.  First, observe your old pattern of reaction.  What one small shift will support a new or modified habit?  For example, if you can’t seem to get to the gym after work, consider shifting bedtime and then get up earlier to fit in your fitness before work.  Repeat the new pattern until you form new pathways that work better for you.

Change the Air. One of my favorite ways to refresh the house is to open all the windows and turn the furnace to Fan mode.  In a couple hours the air is completely turned over and all the accumulated odors of winter have disappeared.

Fresh air is a great tool to improve your mood, as well.  Try this simple exercise from the yoga world:  Sit quietly.  Using the thumb of your right hand, gently press your right nostril closed and take a long, slow breath in through your left nostril.  Now shift your hand and, using the pinkie finger on your right hand, press your left nostril closed while you exhale long and slow through your right nostril.  Repeat this for ten breaths.  I promise that whatever you were concerned about when you started will have fallen away, as you experience a moment of stillness and calm.

Toss Out the Junk. Your surroundings affect you emotionally – cramped spaces evoke emotions that restrict, such as frustration, sadness, and despair.  Creating a simpler, less cluttered environment opens up space where calm, happiness, and optimism thrive.

You need not overhaul your entire home to enjoy the benefits of decluttering – just pick one physical space that causes you to feel restricted when you go there.  Maybe it’s your desktop, the front seat of your car, or your kitchen counter; tackle only what you can complete in an hour.  Remove everything that does not belong there permanently and forever and either toss it, give it away, or store it where it belongs.  Polish up what’s left.  Ahhhh!

Change Your Wardrobe. As seasons shift we typically rotate the seasonal clothing, right?  In spring, sweaters and turtlenecks give way to shorts and t-shirts.  As you rotate clothing, take a second with each item to ask three questions: Did I wear it in the past year?  Does it make me feel beautiful/handsome?  Does it support the Image I want for myself in the world? If the answer to any of these is NO, it’s time to go.  (exception: you can keep one set of rags for painting and digging in the mud.  But just one!).

Now check out your emotional closet.  For each person in your life ask these three questions: Has this relationship supported me in the past year?  When I’m with them, do I feel good about myself?  Does this person inspire me? If the answer to any of these is NO, consider where you can reduce time spent with those who drag you down and spend more time with those who pull you up.  Remember, research proves that the people you hang out with affect your Happiness!

Enjoy Your New Clean Space. Whatever you do – or don’t do – in the way of Spring Cleaning, please don’t forget to enjoy the beauty of the season and of what you’ve created.

Join a good friend for coffee and sit in the sunshine while you chat.  Take in the bright view through your “windows” that are clean of judgments.  Sit quietly in the simplicity of your decluttered space. Pause to breathe in the heady scent of hyacinths in bloom.  Close your eyes and listen to a spring rain (and breathe it in, too!). Applaud your progress as you create a new habit.  Marvel at a hillside of daffodils on the roadside.

Most of all, pay attention to the thousand shades of spring green, and remember that hope and happiness come in a thousand flavors.  All you need is one.

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Happiness Principle # 8 reminds us that when we shift our environment, change becomes easier because we get pulled forward rather than always having to push.  For more ideas on living a happier life, why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here.   Choose Happiness.

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

Mood and Language: which comes first?

In a recent coaching teleclass a participant asked, “is it our mood that creates our language, or is it the words and stories we use that create our mood?”  She was looking for a neat and crisp definition of how people work.

It ain’t that simple.  Figuring out how people work is like solving the Chicken or Egg puzzle – which came first?

The answer to the above question is not either/or; it’s Yes.  Both.

Our head (and our language and stories) and our heart (our emotions/reactions) and our physical self (behavior, non-verbals) are inextricably connected – each affects the other two.

The mood or emotion we’re in affects our behavior and it influences what we say and what we think.  Our thoughts/language lead to the emotion we’re in and also affect our behavior.  And of course our behavior leads to consequences that subsequently influence our reactions and stories.

A recent comic strip illustrated this principle beautifully.  It’s called Non Sequitur (distributedby Universal Press Syndicate).  Some context is important.  The main character, Danae, is a very wise 10-year old girl who wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with a skull, and she is always in a foul mood, believing that everything wrong in the world is the fault of a conspiracy spawned by “booger-brained boys.”

• Frame 1: Danae stands with a smile on her face and thinks: “I’m in a good mood today… I wonder why?”
• Frame 2: “Hmmph… oh, well” she says out loud, and she skips merrily down the street, passing Timmy, a boy who lives nearby.  He turns around and says, “Geez, why’re you in such a foul mood?”
• Frame 3: Startled, Danae asks, “what?” “you said ‘hmmph’…” “So?”  “It sounds cranky” “does not” “If you say so…”
• Frame 4: “Hey, I was in a GOOD mood!”  “Ahh.. ‘was’… past tense…” he says, turning away.  “No… I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!!”  “Then why are you shouting??”
• Frame 5: “’CUZ NOW I’M IN A BAD MOOD!” she screams, black smoke and a death’s head emerging from her mouth. And as Timmy walks away he says, “Hmmph… Well, I was in a great mood ‘til you came along”

I love this strip, although I’m sure the illustrator was not thinking of modeling ontological principles when he wrote it.  He demonstrates first how the mood affects thinking and behavior; then how different language changes the mood and then the behavior – of both parties!

Who we are and how we show up is a constant dance and balancing act between what we think, the emotion we’re in, and what we do.  To live a happy life we must monitor ourselves in all three areas and recognize that even minor shifts in one can transform the other.

Some examples:

• Shifting our “story” about other people’s motives can cause us to move from suspicion to trust to calm to worry… and how we react to those people will vary based on the mood we put ourselves in.
• Taking a few deep breaths can calm both our emotions and our thinking.
• Moving fast and getting caught up in being busy-busy-busy can shift our mood to anxiety and focuses our thinking on what’s NOT done versus what we have accomplished.
• If we are “feeling good” and run in to another person who’s having a bad day, we can hold fast to our own mood by carefully monitoring our language to avoid picking up the conversation that other person wants to pull us into.
• Wearing a smile pulls our emotions up and opens our thinking

So, the answer to Which? is Yes.  If we want to live a balanced life, then, we must attend to all three areas: the stories we tell ourselves and others, the emotions we’re feeling, and how we interact with others.

Have a happy one; and remember that YOU are in charge of how you experience life today!

Nothing is Good or Bad

“…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Hamlet, Act II Scene 2

This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites… and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy.

Events are just events.  Stuff happens.  That’s it.

THEN…we create a story to explain that event.  In our “story” we interpret what happened and make up reasons why it happened, and that story evokes an emotional response from us… and suddenly an event is labeled: good, bad, ugly.  And we feel sadness, optimism, fear, anger, appreciation, frustration, concern, etc

Not from the event, but from our thinking about the event.

In the past week I’ve coincidentally had two separate coaching conversations in which the subject was betrayal – one work-related, the other personal.  Both parties showed up in the coaching conversation with a bubbling stew of negative emotions — Which they’d cooked up themselves, by the way.  And in both cases I coached them to step away from their story and examine a few others.

Example: Another person (X) failed to keep a promise (this is a fact).

Possible interpretations:

• (original story) X has harmed me.  X did it on purpose to hurt me.  I’m angry.  X is always trying to make me look bad.  What have I ever done to deserve such treatment?  I’m gonna watch for my opportunity to get back at X….  (down the path to rage and vengeance)
• X let me down.  I feel betrayed.  I have this big presentation coming up, and now I’m not ready, because of X.  This is going to be a disaster (down the path of embarrassment)
• X has harmed me.  That’s not like X; this is unusual.  I hope everything is OK with X.  Maybe I should give X a call (down the path of concern/empathy)
• X is so unreliable.  Why did I ever believe X would do as promised?  I am such an idiot for ever believing X.  Why am I so stupid?  I’m so bad at reading people.  (down the path of self-loathing)
• This is the third time this has happened with X.  I need to sit down with X and understand why this is happening.  I must renegotiate the promise (down the path to determination)
• The track record of X shows that promises made by X are not meaningful.  I did not really expect X to deliver.  So this is no big deal.  I’ll just have to complete it myself in time for the presentation.  (down the path to acceptance)

Each of these is a valid interpretation.  Notice how each one, however, creates a very different emotion and response.

I’m not ever saying that one story is ‘more true’ than another…I just invite my client to explore other possible stories, and consider if there are valid explanations other than the one that they are hanging on to that is harming them and keeping their emotional stew on a slow boil.

In this particular situation, my client – after creating the above options – chose to pursue the path of determination, and instead of simmering in her office she sat down with X to express disappointment and then immediately renegotiate (“what’s it going to take to have this done by tomorrow at end of day?”).  She realized that hanging on to her anger was hurting only her.  X was blissfully unaware of the concern, and when approached about the broken promise X apologized and confessed to not realizing how important the project was.

So in the end, much of her original story was fiction, and the emotional stew was self-cooked.

Creating Your Own Good from Bad

Does the above ever happen to you?  (of course it does.  You’re human!).  So when you find yourself sitting in assessment and stewing in your own emotional juices, turn down the heat!  Step out of the situation for a moment and consider OTHER possible stories and interpretations for the event.  Maybe select a different story that allows you more control of the situation, and lets go of blaming the other person for your own emotional reaction.

And then take a deep breath.  Remember, it’s only your thinking that makes it good or bad.  So change your thinking when you need to, and have a happier day.

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