Are You Caught In An Emotional Web?

Do you ever feel like you’re “stuck” in a situation or mindset?

When you get stuck it is often because you are off balance in one of the five domains in which you exist as a human being: Intellectual, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, or Interpersonal.

Intellectual - Human beings are the only species on the planet that can Time Travel. How often do you spend time re-living / fretting / obsessing / savoring about your Past? And how much time do you spend worrying / dreaming / fantasizing / creating your Future? If you are stuck in a story about another time, you may find it quite challenging to live, work, and make decisions in the Present.

Emotional - When you get stuck it’s usually because the story you’re telling yourself about the Past/Future or Present evokes a strong emotion. You are always in some emotional state, of course, but the stronger the emotion, the farther you are from the place of rational calm where decisions are easier.

Think of your emotions as being spread out in a web around you (see figure). Each emotional “family” exists on a strand of intensity. As a very simple example, on the Anger strand Irritation is a fairly mild emotion. Frustration is a notch higher, Anger more intense, and at Rage one can spiral totally out of control. The Fear strand might start with low-level worry, escalating to the unreasoning state of Panic. The farther one moves from the center, the more intense the experience – and the more difficult it can be to make rational decisions. Yes, this is true even of the more positive emotions, as you can see from the Love strand.

Think of a spider and their web. Notice spiders always sit in the center of their web. Why? Because that is the strongest place. The farther out on a strand they go, the more vulnerable they become. The best path to any part of the web always runs THROUGH the center.

Physical - When you feel off balance in your body it is a literal experience, e.g. when you lean too far, sit in an awkward position, breathe very high in your body, or exceed your physical limitations (like climbing stairs or running too fast). Your intellectual story and the emotional response that goes with it can also affect your breathing and pulse rate in negative ways.

Spiritual – Imbalance in this domain occurs when you notice a break in the connection between you and the rest of the Universe. It’s not about religion; whether you are a Catholic, Muslim, agnostic, or tree-worshipper, your system craves to feel loved and legitimate in the world. When that is missing, you can feel groundless and unable to act.

Interpersonal - You get stuck around interpersonal issues when it’s about them, them, them. Most relationship problems are rooted not in the other person, but in the thought you have that “they” should change or be different. The more you hold that story (“why can’t THEY change?”) the more out of balance and stressed you feel, because you are essentially making yourself a Victim.

To Get Unstuck, Come Back To Center

A common effect across all five domains is this: the farther you are from your Center, the more likely you will feel stuck, unbalanced, disconnected, or out of control. So let’s explore the nature of Center.

Your Intellectual center is Now. When you come back from time traveling to be fully Present, you are at your most powerful.

Your Emotional center is calm, or Choice. From Calm, you can make better decisions and choose which emotional state will serve you best.

Your Physical center is your solar plexus, just below your navel. The Vitruvian Man (see illustration) demonstrates this. When you shift from autopilot into awareness of your body you ground yourself in the Here and now.

Your Spiritual center is Self-Acceptance, the place where you can say, “I am.” I am, I accept myself with no conditions. I am loved. I have legitimacy, I have the right to exist.

Your Interpersonal center is also You. In any interaction, you are 50% of the conversation… and you are only 50%. So if there’s anything going on in a relationship, what can you control? You – your story, your beliefs, and your attitude toward the other person(s).

I/It versus I/Thou

When your attitude is “I/It,” your relationship to others is transactional, where every conversation is more or less about what you can get out of it. When you hold an “I/Thou” mindset, you hold others in a place of respect that acknowledges their sacredness or legitimacy, where your conversation is, “I am legitimate and you also are legitimate and deserve respect.” An I/Thou mindset pulls you out of victimhood and into Strength. You access I/Thou when you are fully present in your body.

So these are your five centers: – Now, Calm (or Choice), Here, I am, I/Thou.

Exercise: Accessing Your Five Centers

I invite you to engage in an exercise. I want to show how in just a few seconds you can access all Five Centers simultaneously.

To begin, sit back in your seat and place your feet flat on the floor. Become aware of your breath as it enters and leaves your body. As you focus, consciously shift to breathing in and out through your nose.

Feel the rush of air as it races through your sinus cavities. Know that your sinus cavities are just below the part of brain that controls your emotions, the amygdala. From a neuro-biological perspective, when you take in a long, deep breath through your nose you send cool air across the surface of the amygdala, thus cooling it and decreasing blood flow – which automatically calms whatever emotional state you’re experiencing. (For those who do yoga, this is the Ujayi breath – Very powerful.)

Next, move your attention to where your breath goes inside your body. Consciously move your breath deeper into your body, until you can feel it coming all the way down to your physical center, your solar plexus. (To aid in this, you might place a hand on your belly just below your navel.)

Now let’s just take a long, deep breath together. Take the breath in through your nose. And notice how in this one moment, this is all you are thinking about. Notice how that deep breath evokes calm. You are fully present in your own body.

You are, in this moment, aligned in your Five Centers. Now.  Calm.  Here.  I am.  I/Thou.

Pretty cool, huh? Just from breathing…

I invite you to take one more deep breath, and remember how easy it is to pull yourself back from the rest of the universe and center yourself in Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit, Relationships. One breath: Now, calm, Here, I am, I/Thou.

Remember, you are what you repeatedly do. If this exercise resonates for you, make time every day to practice it. In time, your entire system will know what to do when you are under stress: Just breathe!

It’s Time for Spring Cleaning!

Ah, Spring!  The days are longer.  The sun shines brighter.

Oh, and as it shines in and brightens my home, I’m suddenly aware of a winter’s worth of dirt on the windows, dark paths on the carpeting from tracked-in winter slush, and cobwebs in the dim recesses that were invisible in the grey light of winter.

Hey, it’s time for Spring Cleaning.  Let’s bring in some fresh air and bright sunshine while we get rid of the crud that’s accumulated over the past year.

Here are some ideas to clean up your physical and emotional houses this month.

Spring Cleaning Tips

Wash the Windows. Windows don’t get dirty overnight.  But over months and years the drips and streaks build up a little at a time until even a sunny day looks drab and colorless.  So it is with our emotional lives.  We build up judgments and beliefs ever so slowly, and then one day we wake up and think, “When did the world turn so negative?”  To reveal what is truly happening in the world, we need to occasionally clear the film we’ve allowed to accumulate.

So in your house, use your favorite window cleaner and a dry rag.  In your head and heart try scraping away a few assessments that are no longer serving you.  Wipe away any opinion you hold that includes NEVER or ALWAYS, conditions that cloud judgment.  For example, is your sister/neighbor/coworker/boss ALWAYS that way, or is it that your “filters” only let through the evidence that supports your expectation?  Clean windows let you see what’s really happening and give you a brighter experience.

Clear the Cobwebs. Spiders weave their webs and then move on to new locations.  A dust mop or a rag on a stick will clear away the dusty old webs that got left behind.

Old stories are the cobwebs of the mind.  What’s gathering dust in your head?  Do you hear, “I can’t …” or “I don’t deserve…” or “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” If the story ain’t workin’ for you, try poking it with a stick and then spin a new story in its place, like, “I’m enough,” “I can…,” and “I deserve to be happy!”

Shampoo the Rug, Move Some Furniture. Rug trails come from people walking the same path over and again.  In a similar way, things you do over and again form deep neural pathways until they become what we call Habits.

To unmark the path, clean the carpet.  Then rearrange one or two pieces of furniture to shift traffic patterns to a new location (this really works!)

To create new Habits, follow a similar process.  First, observe your old pattern of reaction.  What one small shift will support a new or modified habit?  For example, if you can’t seem to get to the gym after work, consider shifting bedtime and then get up earlier to fit in your fitness before work.  Repeat the new pattern until you form new pathways that work better for you.

Change the Air. One of my favorite ways to refresh the house is to open all the windows and turn the furnace to Fan mode.  In a couple hours the air is completely turned over and all the accumulated odors of winter have disappeared.

Fresh air is a great tool to improve your mood, as well.  Try this simple exercise from the yoga world:  Sit quietly.  Using the thumb of your right hand, gently press your right nostril closed and take a long, slow breath in through your left nostril.  Now shift your hand and, using the pinkie finger on your right hand, press your left nostril closed while you exhale long and slow through your right nostril.  Repeat this for ten breaths.  I promise that whatever you were concerned about when you started will have fallen away, as you experience a moment of stillness and calm.

Toss Out the Junk. Your surroundings affect you emotionally – cramped spaces evoke emotions that restrict, such as frustration, sadness, and despair.  Creating a simpler, less cluttered environment opens up space where calm, happiness, and optimism thrive.

You need not overhaul your entire home to enjoy the benefits of decluttering – just pick one physical space that causes you to feel restricted when you go there.  Maybe it’s your desktop, the front seat of your car, or your kitchen counter; tackle only what you can complete in an hour.  Remove everything that does not belong there permanently and forever and either toss it, give it away, or store it where it belongs.  Polish up what’s left.  Ahhhh!

Change Your Wardrobe. As seasons shift we typically rotate the seasonal clothing, right?  In spring, sweaters and turtlenecks give way to shorts and t-shirts.  As you rotate clothing, take a second with each item to ask three questions: Did I wear it in the past year?  Does it make me feel beautiful/handsome?  Does it support the Image I want for myself in the world? If the answer to any of these is NO, it’s time to go.  (exception: you can keep one set of rags for painting and digging in the mud.  But just one!).

Now check out your emotional closet.  For each person in your life ask these three questions: Has this relationship supported me in the past year?  When I’m with them, do I feel good about myself?  Does this person inspire me? If the answer to any of these is NO, consider where you can reduce time spent with those who drag you down and spend more time with those who pull you up.  Remember, research proves that the people you hang out with affect your Happiness!

Enjoy Your New Clean Space. Whatever you do – or don’t do – in the way of Spring Cleaning, please don’t forget to enjoy the beauty of the season and of what you’ve created.

Join a good friend for coffee and sit in the sunshine while you chat.  Take in the bright view through your “windows” that are clean of judgments.  Sit quietly in the simplicity of your decluttered space. Pause to breathe in the heady scent of hyacinths in bloom.  Close your eyes and listen to a spring rain (and breathe it in, too!). Applaud your progress as you create a new habit.  Marvel at a hillside of daffodils on the roadside.

Most of all, pay attention to the thousand shades of spring green, and remember that hope and happiness come in a thousand flavors.  All you need is one.

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Happiness Principle # 8 reminds us that when we shift our environment, change becomes easier because we get pulled forward rather than always having to push.  For more ideas on living a happier life, why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here.   Choose Happiness.

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

Mood and Language: which comes first?

In a recent coaching teleclass a participant asked, “is it our mood that creates our language, or is it the words and stories we use that create our mood?”  She was looking for a neat and crisp definition of how people work.

It ain’t that simple.  Figuring out how people work is like solving the Chicken or Egg puzzle – which came first?

The answer to the above question is not either/or; it’s Yes.  Both.

Our head (and our language and stories) and our heart (our emotions/reactions) and our physical self (behavior, non-verbals) are inextricably connected – each affects the other two.

The mood or emotion we’re in affects our behavior and it influences what we say and what we think.  Our thoughts/language lead to the emotion we’re in and also affect our behavior.  And of course our behavior leads to consequences that subsequently influence our reactions and stories.

A recent comic strip illustrated this principle beautifully.  It’s called Non Sequitur (distributedby Universal Press Syndicate).  Some context is important.  The main character, Danae, is a very wise 10-year old girl who wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with a skull, and she is always in a foul mood, believing that everything wrong in the world is the fault of a conspiracy spawned by “booger-brained boys.”

• Frame 1: Danae stands with a smile on her face and thinks: “I’m in a good mood today… I wonder why?”
• Frame 2: “Hmmph… oh, well” she says out loud, and she skips merrily down the street, passing Timmy, a boy who lives nearby.  He turns around and says, “Geez, why’re you in such a foul mood?”
• Frame 3: Startled, Danae asks, “what?” “you said ‘hmmph’…” “So?”  “It sounds cranky” “does not” “If you say so…”
• Frame 4: “Hey, I was in a GOOD mood!”  “Ahh.. ‘was’… past tense…” he says, turning away.  “No… I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!!”  “Then why are you shouting??”
• Frame 5: “’CUZ NOW I’M IN A BAD MOOD!” she screams, black smoke and a death’s head emerging from her mouth. And as Timmy walks away he says, “Hmmph… Well, I was in a great mood ‘til you came along”

I love this strip, although I’m sure the illustrator was not thinking of modeling ontological principles when he wrote it.  He demonstrates first how the mood affects thinking and behavior; then how different language changes the mood and then the behavior – of both parties!

Who we are and how we show up is a constant dance and balancing act between what we think, the emotion we’re in, and what we do.  To live a happy life we must monitor ourselves in all three areas and recognize that even minor shifts in one can transform the other.

Some examples:

• Shifting our “story” about other people’s motives can cause us to move from suspicion to trust to calm to worry… and how we react to those people will vary based on the mood we put ourselves in.
• Taking a few deep breaths can calm both our emotions and our thinking.
• Moving fast and getting caught up in being busy-busy-busy can shift our mood to anxiety and focuses our thinking on what’s NOT done versus what we have accomplished.
• If we are “feeling good” and run in to another person who’s having a bad day, we can hold fast to our own mood by carefully monitoring our language to avoid picking up the conversation that other person wants to pull us into.
• Wearing a smile pulls our emotions up and opens our thinking

So, the answer to Which? is Yes.  If we want to live a balanced life, then, we must attend to all three areas: the stories we tell ourselves and others, the emotions we’re feeling, and how we interact with others.

Have a happy one; and remember that YOU are in charge of how you experience life today!

Nothing is Good or Bad

“…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Hamlet, Act II Scene 2

This quote from Shakespeare is one of my all-time favorites… and defines a foundational element of my coaching practice and life philosophy.

Events are just events.  Stuff happens.  That’s it.

THEN…we create a story to explain that event.  In our “story” we interpret what happened and make up reasons why it happened, and that story evokes an emotional response from us… and suddenly an event is labeled: good, bad, ugly.  And we feel sadness, optimism, fear, anger, appreciation, frustration, concern, etc

Not from the event, but from our thinking about the event.

In the past week I’ve coincidentally had two separate coaching conversations in which the subject was betrayal – one work-related, the other personal.  Both parties showed up in the coaching conversation with a bubbling stew of negative emotions — Which they’d cooked up themselves, by the way.  And in both cases I coached them to step away from their story and examine a few others.

Example: Another person (X) failed to keep a promise (this is a fact).

Possible interpretations:

• (original story) X has harmed me.  X did it on purpose to hurt me.  I’m angry.  X is always trying to make me look bad.  What have I ever done to deserve such treatment?  I’m gonna watch for my opportunity to get back at X….  (down the path to rage and vengeance)
• X let me down.  I feel betrayed.  I have this big presentation coming up, and now I’m not ready, because of X.  This is going to be a disaster (down the path of embarrassment)
• X has harmed me.  That’s not like X; this is unusual.  I hope everything is OK with X.  Maybe I should give X a call (down the path of concern/empathy)
• X is so unreliable.  Why did I ever believe X would do as promised?  I am such an idiot for ever believing X.  Why am I so stupid?  I’m so bad at reading people.  (down the path of self-loathing)
• This is the third time this has happened with X.  I need to sit down with X and understand why this is happening.  I must renegotiate the promise (down the path to determination)
• The track record of X shows that promises made by X are not meaningful.  I did not really expect X to deliver.  So this is no big deal.  I’ll just have to complete it myself in time for the presentation.  (down the path to acceptance)

Each of these is a valid interpretation.  Notice how each one, however, creates a very different emotion and response.

I’m not ever saying that one story is ‘more true’ than another…I just invite my client to explore other possible stories, and consider if there are valid explanations other than the one that they are hanging on to that is harming them and keeping their emotional stew on a slow boil.

In this particular situation, my client – after creating the above options – chose to pursue the path of determination, and instead of simmering in her office she sat down with X to express disappointment and then immediately renegotiate (“what’s it going to take to have this done by tomorrow at end of day?”).  She realized that hanging on to her anger was hurting only her.  X was blissfully unaware of the concern, and when approached about the broken promise X apologized and confessed to not realizing how important the project was.

So in the end, much of her original story was fiction, and the emotional stew was self-cooked.

Creating Your Own Good from Bad

Does the above ever happen to you?  (of course it does.  You’re human!).  So when you find yourself sitting in assessment and stewing in your own emotional juices, turn down the heat!  Step out of the situation for a moment and consider OTHER possible stories and interpretations for the event.  Maybe select a different story that allows you more control of the situation, and lets go of blaming the other person for your own emotional reaction.

And then take a deep breath.  Remember, it’s only your thinking that makes it good or bad.  So change your thinking when you need to, and have a happier day.

Are You as Happy as You Want to be?

Are you are as happy as you want to be?  Have you “succeeded” yet still find happiness elusive?  Do you sometimes feel “stuck” in your career or your life, without a clear path to what’s next for you?

If those questions caused you to pause for a moment, I invite you to read on.

What is Happiness, and Why Should You Care?

I define happiness as wanting what you have. Happiness, then, is an inner state; the quality of being joyous, glad, or contented.

Who cares?  Well, studies in the field of Positive Psychology look at the cause-and-effect cycle of “positive emotions,” e.g. gratitude, joy, hope, contentment, optimism, love, and, of course, happiness. Those studies show that that people who experience more positive emotion in their lives are:

• More RESILIENT. They hold up to stress better, and recover from negative or traumatic situations more quickly.
• More CREATIVE. They typically see more options available to them and are more comfortable trying new ideas and experiences.
• HEALTHIER.  Happier people get sick less often, and when they do they bounce back more quickly.

The good news: anyone can learn to experience more positive emotions in their life by engaging in a variety of skill-building exercises.

You see, our emotions function like our muscles. When we work out regularly, our muscles grow larger and stronger; if the emotions we most often exercise are worry, anxiety, and fear, those moods dominate our lives. Our positive emotional “muscles” need to be worked out to help them grow stronger.  The more often we seek out and experience positive emotions (happiness), the greater our capacity to deal with the future.

For example, keeping a gratitude journal helps strengthen your awareness of the blessings in your life. Other “exercises” for your emotional self can include:

• Learning how to breathe differently, e.g. deeper vs shallow breathing supports a different set of emotional responses
• Shifting how and where you carry energy in your body (calm energy resides in a different place than the energy of purpose, action, pain, anxiety, creativity, and so on)
• Noticing the reactions you have to various people or conversation topics (e.g. that coworker who always “pushes your buttons”) and gradually introducing a new response on both physical and emotional levels
• Changing the language you use in conversation.  Simple changes in the words you use can yield amazing changes in how you feel and the quality of your interactions

As a coach, I work with people who want to show up differently in the world.  The above are some of the tools I use with my clients to make the changes they seek.

Where’s this article coming from, you might ask… Well, I had a conversation yesterday with someone who appeared to get irritated with me, and said, “why would I need a coach to help me do all that? I can do it myself!”

My response:  “If you can do it yourself, then why are we having this conversation?”

You see, knowing is not the same as doing.  We benefit from having people outside of our world to help us understand who we are and how we are really showing up in that world.  That’s why I have several coaches.  That’s why Oprah Winfrey has a coach. And Tiger Woods.

A personal coach is a resource to help you achieve more in the world than even you believe possible.  In a world gone CrazyBusy, I know I can use all the help I can get!

How about you?

Jim Smith, PCC, is a personal and executive coach.  He works with clients who want to change how they show up in the world — because they “have it all” but still aren’t happy.

Movies to Make You Think

So, we saw two movies this past weekend (Doubt, and Seven Pounds) and enjoyed them both.  Yet they were so very different that I find it impossible to compare.  I cannot say, “this one was better because…”  They were just too very different.

I do not want the job of a movie critic, who must find a way to assess each movie to some standard.  In my world, the standard is, “did I enjoy it?”  AND I tend to enjoy movies that cause me to think.  Both of these did, in different ways.

First, the movie Doubt.  (click on the image to learn more, and read the reviews). This movie has garnered 76% positive reviews, and there appears little debate that it’s a “good” movie.

In my opinion, all three of the main players turned in very powerful performances.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman is always sensational, and there’s no exception here as he plays across a wide range of emotional space as a parish priest accused of impropriety; he moves from anger to arrogance, and from caring concern to resignation.

Meryl Streep, whom I just saw last weekend on video in the cotton-candy of a musical, Momma Mia, plays a nun — the school principal — who must balance very carefully the evidence she does not really have against her compelling need to protect the children in her care.  She, too, must navigate a broad range of emotions, and IMHO she carries off her role with a fierceness and caring that I found extraordinary.

The real surprise for me was the intense performance by Amy Adams.  Till now, I’ve only seen her in light and airy roles: singing with birds in Disney’s Enchantment, or playing the madcap and superficial employer in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.  Here, sans makeup, color, music, or dancing, she’s left with nothing but her acting talent.  I was truly impressed.  There’s one scene where she is torn nearly apart with conflict, and she carries all of that scene with just her face, framed by a black habit.

Frankly, there’s one other scene stealer: Viola Davis, in a role as the mother of the parish school’s only black student.  She’s on screen for maybe five minutes, and WOW, what a powerful performance as a mother terribly conflicted about what is best for her son.  If you see the movie, watch for the scene where she and Sister Aloysius are standing outside the apartment building.

There was little happiness in this movie.  But it certainly helped me to appreciate how important a little happiness is to people….

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Then there was Seven Pounds, the newest Will Smith vehicle.  The movie’s been roundly panned by critics (only 28% positive reviews — click on the image to learn more)… but still, it’s WILL SMITH!

One reviewer captured best what I felt after viewing the movie: “You will either be frustrated with its asymmetrical and manipulative storytelling or be captivated by scattered clues that ultimately lead to some kind of resolution.”

For the first 15 minutes I just kept thinking, “what is H— is going on?!?!”  Then my curiosity started getting the better of me and I thought, “I remember having the same reaction to the movie, Crash… and the out-of-sequence narrative eventually came together.”  So, I surrendered to the movie, and instead of trying to FIGURE IT OUT, I let it unfold.

Which it did.

Does it make sense, in the end?  From a narrative standpoint, I was very satisfied.  I was surprised.  I cried.  Once the plot twist occurred, the rest was predictable.  But still, I was satisfied.

The interesting thing is that this was about a man who, in an effort to make up for a horrific event that he blames himself for, ends up making seven people very happy.

I can’t tell you how, because that would ruin the movie.  I CAN tell you that some of those scenes are blatantly manipulative, in the way that storytelling manipulates us into an emotional space and then takes advantage of our trust.

A word of warning: if you go to see this movie, plan to suspend logic and reality before you enter the theater.  If you want a reality tale, this is not your thing.  If you want a fantastic, sometimes perplexing, sometimes sweet story that is marginally plausible (which is what movies allow us to enjoy), then you’re all set.

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I guarantee both these movies will make you think.

People hear what they see

Many movies today have such short and limited runs that most of us never hear about them, especially if they are released in the shadow of some summer or holiday blockbuster flick.  That’s sad, because so many of those ‘little’ movies are really fabulous — they are unconventional, thoughtful, creative, and often showcase some incredible acting.

I’ve learned that one of the best ways to discover obscure movies that I’ll enjoy is by noting the trailers packaged with a similar movie.  Romantic comedies tend to carry previews for other sweet comedies, intelligent movies for other smart films, etc.  So when I fall in love with a film, I write down the other titles previewed on that same DVD, then put them in my Blockbuster queue.

One such film arrived last week, and on Saturday evening Cheryl and I sat down to enjoy a movie we’d never heard of:  Beyond the Sea.  It’s a biopic about Bobby Darin, a singer/actor who was popular in the late 50’s and 60’s.  Kevin Spacey (a very talented guy!) clearly has a fixation on Bobby Darin — he wrote the script, directed the movie, and starred in it, (along with Kate Bosworth who makes a stunning Sandra Dee!)

Kevin is a decade older than Bobby Darin ever was, but in this cleverly written, part-fantasy, part-musical, part-drama, part-theatre-within-a-movie, that element matters not — Kevin plays the role as both actor and narrator.  IMO, it’s a very clever device that he pulls off beautifully.

Anyway, here’s the set up for what I thought was the best line in the movie:

Bobby rises to stardom, then disappears for awhile.  He’s totally disenchanted with the world following the 1968 assassination of Bobby Kennedy, whom he adored, so he goes into seclusion to figure out life.  He emerges to make a comeback.  He’d always been successful as a clean-shaven, suit-wearing, upbeat nightclub singer.  He comes back to the stage as a mustached, balding hippie who sings anti-war ballads.  He flops.

In the dramatic sequence that follows (as he grows progressively weaker, his heart failing as a result of rheumatic fever as a child),  he laments that audiences won’t listen to his new music.  His wife says, “Bobby, people hear what they see.“  That’s it! he exclaims.  and so he sets up a new act.

Clean-shaven, with a full head of hair and a suit, he appears on stage singing “We don’t want no war” and it’s a sensation.

People hear what they see.  When he showed up as someone else and sang something unexpected, people were turned off.  When he showed up LOOKING like what people expected, they heard him in an entirely different way.  They were able to “hear” the unfamiliar thru the lens of what they already knew.

On multiple levels, this concept so appeals to me.  This explains how to shift our own behavior, how to change a relationship, even how to implement change in the workplace.  When we put something new out there in the guise of something old, we allow our brains to absorb the “different” thru the lens of familiarity.  Change feels less disruptive when we can still anchor to something we’ve seen before.

So if you’ve been living in a mood of sadness, anxiety, or fear, for instance, the most comfortable route to happiness might be THROUGH — rather than away from — that other emotion!

Till next time…

Happiness is not a marathon (it’s more like strength training)

The Akron Marathon is this weekend, and I have two clients and several friends who are running.  Should be a gorgeous weekend!

Thinking about marathons reminded me of a recent discussion I was part of.  I was a guest on a local public radio station show two months ago.  The Sound of Ideas topic was Vacation and Relaxation Deprivation, so most of the show addressed stress in the workplace and our mindsets around not being able to relax. (who better to have on a show about stress than The Executive Happiness Coach!

I had such a great time! Lots of people called or emailed into the show, and we shared many ideas for how one can take a break from stress, take a mini-vacation, etc. If you’d like to hear the whole show (recording is about 50 mins long) you can pick it up at the WCPN archives, http://www.wcpn.org/index.php/WCPN/soi/12794/

One of the other panelists observed that many people see work as a marathon, an endurance race — “I must keep going, going, going.” In reality, it’s more like strength training; periods of intensity with time off in between for recharging and to allow the muscles to rebuild and strengthen.

As someone who spends regular time on fitness, this metaphor feels quite appropriate, and I believe it applies to many areas of our emotional life, too. If I pursue happiness ALL the time, constantly engaging in pleasurable activities and things that keep my excitement high, then pretty soon I will stop appreciating how great it feels, as it will be the norm — I’ll actually become numb to happiness!

A better approach, IMHO, is to ‘visit’ happiness on a regular basis, in between all the other stuff in my life — frustration, fear, upset, envy, impatience, etc. Then when I experience happiness, it will feel far more powerful and positive as a force of renewal, filling my tank back up.

Just as the body needs downtime for the physical muscles to build strength, the emotional self needs downtime (like meditation, quiet moments, periods of reflection) so we have a chance to actually build the emotional strength and awareness that we so desire.

Practice, rest, renewal.  Happiness is more like strength training, for sure!

Who am I to be happy?