Are You as Happy as You Want to be?

Are you are as happy as you want to be?  Have you “succeeded” yet still find happiness elusive?  Do you sometimes feel “stuck” in your career or your life, without a clear path to what’s next for you?

If those questions caused you to pause for a moment, I invite you to read on.

What is Happiness, and Why Should You Care?

I define happiness as wanting what you have. Happiness, then, is an inner state; the quality of being joyous, glad, or contented.

Who cares?  Well, studies in the field of Positive Psychology look at the cause-and-effect cycle of “positive emotions,” e.g. gratitude, joy, hope, contentment, optimism, love, and, of course, happiness. Those studies show that that people who experience more positive emotion in their lives are:

• More RESILIENT. They hold up to stress better, and recover from negative or traumatic situations more quickly.
• More CREATIVE. They typically see more options available to them and are more comfortable trying new ideas and experiences.
• HEALTHIER.  Happier people get sick less often, and when they do they bounce back more quickly.

The good news: anyone can learn to experience more positive emotions in their life by engaging in a variety of skill-building exercises.

You see, our emotions function like our muscles. When we work out regularly, our muscles grow larger and stronger; if the emotions we most often exercise are worry, anxiety, and fear, those moods dominate our lives. Our positive emotional “muscles” need to be worked out to help them grow stronger.  The more often we seek out and experience positive emotions (happiness), the greater our capacity to deal with the future.

For example, keeping a gratitude journal helps strengthen your awareness of the blessings in your life. Other “exercises” for your emotional self can include:

• Learning how to breathe differently, e.g. deeper vs shallow breathing supports a different set of emotional responses
• Shifting how and where you carry energy in your body (calm energy resides in a different place than the energy of purpose, action, pain, anxiety, creativity, and so on)
• Noticing the reactions you have to various people or conversation topics (e.g. that coworker who always “pushes your buttons”) and gradually introducing a new response on both physical and emotional levels
• Changing the language you use in conversation.  Simple changes in the words you use can yield amazing changes in how you feel and the quality of your interactions

As a coach, I work with people who want to show up differently in the world.  The above are some of the tools I use with my clients to make the changes they seek.

Where’s this article coming from, you might ask… Well, I had a conversation yesterday with someone who appeared to get irritated with me, and said, “why would I need a coach to help me do all that? I can do it myself!”

My response:  “If you can do it yourself, then why are we having this conversation?”

You see, knowing is not the same as doing.  We benefit from having people outside of our world to help us understand who we are and how we are really showing up in that world.  That’s why I have several coaches.  That’s why Oprah Winfrey has a coach. And Tiger Woods.

A personal coach is a resource to help you achieve more in the world than even you believe possible.  In a world gone CrazyBusy, I know I can use all the help I can get!

How about you?

Jim Smith, PCC, is a personal and executive coach.  He works with clients who want to change how they show up in the world — because they “have it all” but still aren’t happy.

Movies to Make You Think

So, we saw two movies this past weekend (Doubt, and Seven Pounds) and enjoyed them both.  Yet they were so very different that I find it impossible to compare.  I cannot say, “this one was better because…”  They were just too very different.

I do not want the job of a movie critic, who must find a way to assess each movie to some standard.  In my world, the standard is, “did I enjoy it?”  AND I tend to enjoy movies that cause me to think.  Both of these did, in different ways.

First, the movie Doubt.  (click on the image to learn more, and read the reviews). This movie has garnered 76% positive reviews, and there appears little debate that it’s a “good” movie.

In my opinion, all three of the main players turned in very powerful performances.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman is always sensational, and there’s no exception here as he plays across a wide range of emotional space as a parish priest accused of impropriety; he moves from anger to arrogance, and from caring concern to resignation.

Meryl Streep, whom I just saw last weekend on video in the cotton-candy of a musical, Momma Mia, plays a nun — the school principal — who must balance very carefully the evidence she does not really have against her compelling need to protect the children in her care.  She, too, must navigate a broad range of emotions, and IMHO she carries off her role with a fierceness and caring that I found extraordinary.

The real surprise for me was the intense performance by Amy Adams.  Till now, I’ve only seen her in light and airy roles: singing with birds in Disney’s Enchantment, or playing the madcap and superficial employer in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.  Here, sans makeup, color, music, or dancing, she’s left with nothing but her acting talent.  I was truly impressed.  There’s one scene where she is torn nearly apart with conflict, and she carries all of that scene with just her face, framed by a black habit.

Frankly, there’s one other scene stealer: Viola Davis, in a role as the mother of the parish school’s only black student.  She’s on screen for maybe five minutes, and WOW, what a powerful performance as a mother terribly conflicted about what is best for her son.  If you see the movie, watch for the scene where she and Sister Aloysius are standing outside the apartment building.

There was little happiness in this movie.  But it certainly helped me to appreciate how important a little happiness is to people….

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Then there was Seven Pounds, the newest Will Smith vehicle.  The movie’s been roundly panned by critics (only 28% positive reviews — click on the image to learn more)… but still, it’s WILL SMITH!

One reviewer captured best what I felt after viewing the movie: “You will either be frustrated with its asymmetrical and manipulative storytelling or be captivated by scattered clues that ultimately lead to some kind of resolution.”

For the first 15 minutes I just kept thinking, “what is H— is going on?!?!”  Then my curiosity started getting the better of me and I thought, “I remember having the same reaction to the movie, Crash… and the out-of-sequence narrative eventually came together.”  So, I surrendered to the movie, and instead of trying to FIGURE IT OUT, I let it unfold.

Which it did.

Does it make sense, in the end?  From a narrative standpoint, I was very satisfied.  I was surprised.  I cried.  Once the plot twist occurred, the rest was predictable.  But still, I was satisfied.

The interesting thing is that this was about a man who, in an effort to make up for a horrific event that he blames himself for, ends up making seven people very happy.

I can’t tell you how, because that would ruin the movie.  I CAN tell you that some of those scenes are blatantly manipulative, in the way that storytelling manipulates us into an emotional space and then takes advantage of our trust.

A word of warning: if you go to see this movie, plan to suspend logic and reality before you enter the theater.  If you want a reality tale, this is not your thing.  If you want a fantastic, sometimes perplexing, sometimes sweet story that is marginally plausible (which is what movies allow us to enjoy), then you’re all set.

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I guarantee both these movies will make you think.

People hear what they see

Many movies today have such short and limited runs that most of us never hear about them, especially if they are released in the shadow of some summer or holiday blockbuster flick.  That’s sad, because so many of those ‘little’ movies are really fabulous — they are unconventional, thoughtful, creative, and often showcase some incredible acting.

I’ve learned that one of the best ways to discover obscure movies that I’ll enjoy is by noting the trailers packaged with a similar movie.  Romantic comedies tend to carry previews for other sweet comedies, intelligent movies for other smart films, etc.  So when I fall in love with a film, I write down the other titles previewed on that same DVD, then put them in my Blockbuster queue.

One such film arrived last week, and on Saturday evening Cheryl and I sat down to enjoy a movie we’d never heard of:  Beyond the Sea.  It’s a biopic about Bobby Darin, a singer/actor who was popular in the late 50′s and 60′s.  Kevin Spacey (a very talented guy!) clearly has a fixation on Bobby Darin — he wrote the script, directed the movie, and starred in it, (along with Kate Bosworth who makes a stunning Sandra Dee!)

Kevin is a decade older than Bobby Darin ever was, but in this cleverly written, part-fantasy, part-musical, part-drama, part-theatre-within-a-movie, that element matters not — Kevin plays the role as both actor and narrator.  IMO, it’s a very clever device that he pulls off beautifully.

Anyway, here’s the set up for what I thought was the best line in the movie:

Bobby rises to stardom, then disappears for awhile.  He’s totally disenchanted with the world following the 1968 assassination of Bobby Kennedy, whom he adored, so he goes into seclusion to figure out life.  He emerges to make a comeback.  He’d always been successful as a clean-shaven, suit-wearing, upbeat nightclub singer.  He comes back to the stage as a mustached, balding hippie who sings anti-war ballads.  He flops.

In the dramatic sequence that follows (as he grows progressively weaker, his heart failing as a result of rheumatic fever as a child),  he laments that audiences won’t listen to his new music.  His wife says, “Bobby, people hear what they see.“  That’s it! he exclaims.  and so he sets up a new act.

Clean-shaven, with a full head of hair and a suit, he appears on stage singing “We don’t want no war” and it’s a sensation.

People hear what they see.  When he showed up as someone else and sang something unexpected, people were turned off.  When he showed up LOOKING like what people expected, they heard him in an entirely different way.  They were able to “hear” the unfamiliar thru the lens of what they already knew.

On multiple levels, this concept so appeals to me.  This explains how to shift our own behavior, how to change a relationship, even how to implement change in the workplace.  When we put something new out there in the guise of something old, we allow our brains to absorb the “different” thru the lens of familiarity.  Change feels less disruptive when we can still anchor to something we’ve seen before.

So if you’ve been living in a mood of sadness, anxiety, or fear, for instance, the most comfortable route to happiness might be THROUGH — rather than away from — that other emotion!

Till next time…

Happiness is not a marathon (it’s more like strength training)

The Akron Marathon is this weekend, and I have two clients and several friends who are running.  Should be a gorgeous weekend!

Thinking about marathons reminded me of a recent discussion I was part of.  I was a guest on a local public radio station show two months ago.  The Sound of Ideas topic was Vacation and Relaxation Deprivation, so most of the show addressed stress in the workplace and our mindsets around not being able to relax. (who better to have on a show about stress than The Executive Happiness Coach!

I had such a great time! Lots of people called or emailed into the show, and we shared many ideas for how one can take a break from stress, take a mini-vacation, etc. If you’d like to hear the whole show (recording is about 50 mins long) you can pick it up at the WCPN archives, http://www.wcpn.org/index.php/WCPN/soi/12794/

One of the other panelists observed that many people see work as a marathon, an endurance race — “I must keep going, going, going.” In reality, it’s more like strength training; periods of intensity with time off in between for recharging and to allow the muscles to rebuild and strengthen.

As someone who spends regular time on fitness, this metaphor feels quite appropriate, and I believe it applies to many areas of our emotional life, too. If I pursue happiness ALL the time, constantly engaging in pleasurable activities and things that keep my excitement high, then pretty soon I will stop appreciating how great it feels, as it will be the norm — I’ll actually become numb to happiness!

A better approach, IMHO, is to ‘visit’ happiness on a regular basis, in between all the other stuff in my life — frustration, fear, upset, envy, impatience, etc. Then when I experience happiness, it will feel far more powerful and positive as a force of renewal, filling my tank back up.

Just as the body needs downtime for the physical muscles to build strength, the emotional self needs downtime (like meditation, quiet moments, periods of reflection) so we have a chance to actually build the emotional strength and awareness that we so desire.

Practice, rest, renewal.  Happiness is more like strength training, for sure!

Who am I to be happy?

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