Do You Truly Value Happiness?

Sigh.  I just deleted from my mailbox YET ANOTHER newsletter that promised insights or wisdom about Happiness, yet turned out to be hawking STUFF.  I sometimes feel frustrated that so many marketers — on TV, in print, and on the Internet — hijack the concept of happiness.  Because that’s been happening so much, we’ve gotten to point as a society where we no longer value happiness for… itself.  Seems it always has to be attached to something — an outcome, a promotion, a product, or a ’system.’

The other night I counted commercials across two hours of television, and nearly a third of them directly referenced happiness or being happy (products ranged from Wal-mart & cars to flowers & erectile dysfunction meds).  Even some of the teachers I’ve followed and learned from over the years seem to be abandoning the pursuit of happiness as noble, and are replacing that with a sales pitch.

Am I just naive?  Is it silly of me to believe that Happiness has value in and of itself?  Am I fooling myself into believing that people find value in learning how to live a happier life if that “happier life” can’t be quantified with dollars or the accumulation of product?  Should I give up my quest to provide people tools and practices for experiencing more happiness for it’s own sake?

No.  Because you know what?  On the other side of the marketing street stand many people who are strong enough to resist the message, and who have the wisdom to say, “I know more STUFF won’t make me happy.”   Those are the people to whom I speak.

And I hope that all of you who ‘get’ this message realize how important it is that you value Happiness for its own sake.  As long as SOME of us hold steadfastly to the belief that we can control our own happiness, there is hope for the world.

So, how about if we all take a deep breath together?  Pull your shoulders back and open up your heart, breathe into your deep belly, and say, “I am enough, for now.  I have enough.  I am content.”

Give yourself permission to be happy, for a moment, with just what you have.  And notice how rich you feel!

Do You Keep Happiness “In Place?”

Six weeks ago our youngest son bought us a new chandelier — something that goes better with our remodeled great room.  When we took down the old chandelier, however, we decided it was still in superb condition.

So we polished it up, and hung it… in the master bedroom.

And ever since then, we’ve been getting the strangest reactions from people who have seen our room or heard that we hung a chandelier in such a place.

Very odd looks.  Statements like, “you did What?!”

Yes, we did something very unconventional with lighting.  And now we LOVE how much softer and fuller the lighting is in our bedroom.

But this experience has me thinking about how often I see people segment their life and put things in different places based on “how things are supposed to be.”  They hold a story that ‘this belongs here’ and ‘that belongs ONLY there.’  For example:

• Chandeliers should only be hung in a dining room or kitchen.
• White should not be worn after Labor Day (that was one of my mom’s rules)
• I’m not allowed to get angry on the job
• Real men don’t cry (or wear pink)
• Happiness is only for weekends
• There’s no place for joy in the workplace
• Less desirable emotions (like fear, sadness, anxiety) must be stuffed down
• We can only use Grandma’s china for special family occasions
• Talking about death or aging will cause those things, so they can’t ever be discussed
• Happiness is not important enough to take up space on meeting agendas

When you look at that list you might think, ‘I don’t hold any of those beliefs!’  Perhaps true, but everybody has their stories about what’s proper and what’s not, and what can be talked about & where.

I’m not saying any of those ’stories’ are right or wrong or good or bad… just that they are stories.  Recognize you made them up; and you can make new stories when the old ones no longer work.

My wife and I challenged the story about chandeliers, and made a new one that worked better for us.  I wear pink after years of thinking it was ‘not right.’  and of course I believe that there is absolutely a place for happiness at work!

What stories do YOU hold about What goes Where?  And which stories do you want to rewrite?

Happiness is a Great Mac-N-Cheese!

Met a client for lunch today at a little gem of a restaurant in Tremont (a ‘comeback’ region of Cleveland) called Lucky’s Cafe.

I’ve had many meetings at this location over the past year, but they’ve always been “meet for coffee” events, so my experience of Lucky’s is as a coffee shop — with a great patio in the summer.

Today was my first lunch meeting at the place.  I knew as soon as I looked at the menu what I was going to order — the macaroni and cheese is legendary, plus I’ve got a warm spot for comfort food.

But I have to tell you, I was completely unprepared for how UTTERLY FANTASTIC a plain old dish like macaroni and cheese can become in the hands of a food artistan.

This was not ‘just’ a variation on comfort food.  It was decadent.  It was the very definition of Creamy.  It was a macaroni and cheese Dessert.  It was a ‘dive in and swim around in it’ entree.  It was a little bit of bubbling cheese heaven on a plate.  It was a Stop-The-Conversation-So-I-Can-Experience-Sensory-Pleasure dish.

Did I mention it was really good?

And that the side of homemade applesauce was just the perfect thickness, with a hint of cinnamon?

Ironically, just before the entrees arrived, my client and I were discussing the distinction between pleasure (fleeting) and happiness (more enduring).  So the question becomes, can macaroni and cheese create true happiness?

Well, I’m willing to go back to Lucky’s Cafe to find out!

(from their menu)

Baked Mac-N-Cheese
Cheddar, Brie, Parmesan, And Mozzarella Cheeses, Baked With Pasta And Cream, Topped With Brioche Bread Crumbs.
Served With Housemade Apple Sauce.

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience.  After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself.  Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥

This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride.  She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters.  She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.

Take a look at her blog post, here

I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation.  Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web.  I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country.  Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.

♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥

Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme.  I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.

My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.

So the message I brought back into my conversations is this:  If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first.  And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural.  Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.

And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.

So, how might you love yourself more?  What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable?  (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”).  What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into?  Identify a few of those, and start practicing.

As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.

In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim

Happiness and New Beginnings

I’m not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions.  Most people fail at them within a few weeks.  So then they give up… until next year.

But hold on!  Maybe there’s a better way to approach self-improvement, one goal at a time.

The start of the new year, in my opinion, just one occasion for creating change.  Think about how many new beginnings occur every year:

• New Year’s Day, first of the year, start of the First Quarter (in business)
• Beginning of Winter Quarter/Winter Semester (in school)
• The first day of Spring
• Opening Day in Baseball
• Easter/Passover
• Start of the Second Quarter
• Memorial Day (the “official” start of summer)
• Graduations
• the first day of Summer
• Start of the Third Quarter
• Start of the NFL exhibition season
• Beginning of the School year
• the first day of Autumn
• Start of the Fourth Quarter
• the beginning of the year-end holiday season
• Return from Vacation (any time of year)
• Completion of any long-term project… and the start of another
• Starting a new job
• Getting a promotion
• Starting a new task on the same job
• The start of any new month
• The start of a new week (e.g. Sunday, or Monday…)
• Add your own: _______________

Little Changes, All the Time

Every time you experience a new beginning, you have an opportunity to start over in some area of your life.  Will you fail, sometimes?  Yes.  When you carry a perspective that things are CONTINUALLY new, however, you give yourself permission to fall down, get back up, and try again in a few days or a week, rather than giving up on yourself until next Jan 1.

When you adopt a mindset of “little changes, all the time” you can make self-improvement part of Who You Are, rather than some Big Event that is all scary and hard and ‘different.’

When you fail, you can look to the next “beginning” in your life to restart your efforts in earnest.

Having multiple beginnings in your year also allows you to FOCUS your goals.  Instead of having to create change in five major areas in January, pick one.  Yes, just One.  And let go of the rest, for now.  Practice the one shift every day, every day, every day, until it starts to feel routine.  Then pull up the next goal and introduce the next little change a few months later, at your next beginning point.

The path to Happiness is not direct and continuous.  The path is winding and full of twists and turns and backtracking and sideroads that lead nowhere.  Give yourself permission to keep coming back and starting over on the path you really want to take.

Make a list of all the times in a year you can declare a “new beginning.”

You have as many chances as you give yourself!

Slumdog Millionaire - a winner in my book!

After my post ten days ago about this movie, several people wrote me (or commented on the blog) to ask for my opinion AFTER seeing the movie.

Well, my wife and I finally got to see it on Saturday afternoon.  I went into the theatre with high expectations.  Sometimes expecting too much of a film can ruin the experience, so I reminded myself to “let go” of the original story from the book, Q & A, and simply enjoy the ride.

Let me tell you, it was not hard to do — to enjoy the ride, that is.  The story varies considerably from the book in the way many films must vary.  For instance, a half-dozen or more minor characters who flowed in and out of the life of Jamal (the main character) were realized in a composite character who did not even exist in the book: his older brother.   In the book, Jamal did not meet the love of his life until he was 14; in the movie, she is a childhood friend.  All these shifts make much sense when one considers how little time a filmmaker has to develop relationships in a movie.

So, I accepted the adjustments necessary to adapt the book to a screenplay.  The biggest concern remained: will the film honor the heart and soul of the book?

Yes.  Absolutely yes!

Slumdog Millionaire the movie does a brilliant job of capturing the grit and glamour and poverty and misery of life in Mumbai, yet without commentary - it just is.  And Dev Patel is just wonderful in the lead role, the 16 year old Jamal, appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire to win $20 Million rupees.  And the story line is just as improbable and yet plausible as was the book.

I repeat what I offered in my first post on this movie — go, see it yourself.  You will laugh, you will cry, you will be angry, you will be confused, you will feel sadness and you will feel joy, as Jamal pursues happiness in his chaotic world.

and who knows… I may see you there.  I certainly intend to see the movie again!

P.S. for those who love the pure energy and joy of a good Bollywood musical, I have a word of advice: stay for the credits at the end!  There’s a lovely surprise for those who remain in their seats.  It will make you smile!

Happiness is Contagious

This just in, from the bespectacled researchers at Harvard: Happiness is contagious.

OK, so we’ve known for a long time that moods and emotions spread to those around us.  What’s different about this study is that the researchers have been able to quantify the impact. And it’s not just about who you talk with daily. Neighbors whom you only see occasionally can impact your happiness. And happy people like to cluster: people on Facebook with smiling photos are more likely to be friends with other smilers. Interesting!

Read the full article here: Happiness is Contagious in Social Networks

and see the accompanying video clip from CNN here:

What’s the bottom line? If you hang around with happy people, you’ll feel (15%!) happier. If you are happy, others are more likely to want to hang around with you.

Cool!