Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

First, Believe in Happiness

Gifts for the New Year:  First, Believe in Happiness

At my coaching group’s annual holiday gathering, we exchange used, gift-wrapped books. When a book is opened, the person who brought it stands up to tell the story of how that book impacted impacted them, and why they chose to share it.  One woman’s personal story really touched my heart:

“My entire life,” she began “I thought happiness was a fantasy.  All my friends kept telling me things like how our country is based on the right to happiness, but I just pointed out that only meant we could pursue it, not have it.  I went through my life convinced it could never be something I’d have.  Then one day a few months ago I was in a bookstore, and for some reason I picked up this audio book because the title spoke to me. [jim’s note: the book is Become Totally Positive Auto-Matically (While-U-Drive)]

I listened to it for a few days, and after it was done I realized, ‘you know what?  I actually feel happier.’ And for the first time I believed that maybe it really IS possible to feel happiness!”

She went on to say how much her life shifted since she started believing that Happiness existed AND  that it was available to her. She came up to me after the meeting to speak some more (she said that my title, The Executive Happiness Coach, sort of jumped out at her!).  She shared that many people in her family suffer from depression.  She, herself, has never been diagnosed with depression but because she grew up in a family where happiness was always considered an “Impossible” goal, that’s what she believed.

Happiness was, for her, as unreal as Santa Claus.  Now that she believes in Happiness, she has more energy and enthusiasm for life.  And hope — for a happier future.

So if you want to have a great year in 2011, my dear readers, start by believing that Happiness IS possible for you. (you’re far more likely to get there if you think it’s real!).

Over the next week I’ll share three more Gifts to help you start 2011 on the right foot.

What would you get on your tattoo?

Last week one of my clients confessed to me that, “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo.” I was amused for a moment, as this client is a high-powered top executive with a very conservative organization– and who has teenagers in the house.

The conversation continued, “I’ve always loved the Celtic symbol for Balance, and now that I’ve made such great progress toward living in balance much of the time, it would be a great reminder for me.”  OK, that made sense.  Then came a question that really caught me off guard:

“What would you get on your tattoo?”

At first, I recoiled from the question.  I hold a lot of assessments about tattoos.  Sometimes I think they are attractive (some are works of art!), sometimes meaningful (2 of my children got a guardian angel tattoo identical to the one worn by their deceased sister), and frequently incomprehensible (d’ya really think that huge gothic skull on the side of your neck is attractive?!).  But never, never for me.

Still,the question reminded me of an exercise in which I participated a few years ago.  The facilitator asked the question, “if you were get a tattoo — which is permanent and forever — what would it be, and where on your body?”  I declared that I would tattoo the eight symbols I write every day in my journal, that represent my eight core values:

Happiness, Love, Health, Creativity, Learning, Authenticity, Spirituality, and Peace.

As for where on my body… I think my core values would need to be where I would see them every day, so perhaps on my upper arm or inside of my forearm.

If I had to go really simple, I might instead opt for the Yin Yang symbol, which for me represents balance and, on many levels, the truth about life — light and darkness, good/evil, life/work, etc.

So, what would you get on YOUR tattoo?

Tips to Reduce Your Stress During Job Search

While I ran an outplacement center earlier in my career, I know much about search tactics.  But these days my passion is to help folks in this situation by emphasizing the importance of self-care during the search.

As the corporate saying goes, “hire for attitude, train for skills.”  What that means for the job searcher is that your attitude – HOW you show up for an interview – may be more important than your specific skill set.  Most employers will tell you, “I can teach someone our process, but I can’t replace their personality.”

Bottom line:  your attitude is your most precious resource.  Take care of it.

I was recently interviewed by a journalist writing an article on stress management during a job search.  I thought the full text of my responses might be helpful to any of my readers who have family members or friends who are enduring an extended search.

Surviving job search stress any time of year

1. As the weeks and months of unemployment add up, what is the best way to keep a positive attitude while job seeking?

One of the five most important factors for positivity is feeling connected. You need to get out of your house and meeting with people on a regular basis.  Attend job seeker groups, where you can trade ideas with others in your situation.  Use this time to reconnect with your professional colleagues at networking events.  Spend some of your ‘extra’ time volunteering or hanging out with family and friends.

Another is to spend time intentionally focused on what you DO have rather than what’s missing. If you spend all your time looking at the dark hole in your life that used to be filled with a job, you will eventually get sucked into it.  Instead, use your time to nurture other parts of who you are.  For example, spend more time in other roles you play, e.g. parent, friend, sibling, neighbor, church member.  Or devote time to your other talents, e.g. hobbies, singing in a choir, cooking for fun, or writing.

Finally, keep hope alive. Spend some portion of every single weekday on your search, even if sometimes it’s just ten minutes.  Each time you take another action, remind yourself that you are closer to your goal.

2. What are some of the warning signs of unemployment and stress? What suggestions do you have for combating job-search related stress?

Stress is the emotional state that results from constantly thinking about situations over which you have no control. The short term signs of stress look the same as the fear response we experience when faced with real danger: adrenalin flows, the heart races, muscles tighten in anticipation of fight or flight, and breathing quickens.

But when we remain in that state for long periods of time, the body starts to break down. We feel tired, irritable, strained and out of balance, and after a while our immune systems break down and we become more vulnerable to injury and illness.

To combat this stress, try simple shifts in your habits.

• Let it go.  Don’t make your job (search) your life. Yes, having a job is very important, AND you are not your job.  Schedule time off from our search, just as you would from a job.  When you return after a day or two of ‘vacation’ from search, you’ll find yourself more relaxed about it.
• Exercise. Physical exercise helps release the energy trapped in stressed muscles; and when the body relaxes, so does the mind, so you can show up in your search with more clarity and motivation.
• Share the load. Don’t walk around keeping your fear and frustration bottled up inside, or you’ll become like a balloon that’s about to pop.  Find friends who will listen to your fears (without trying to “fix” your problem – just listen) and notice how it’s like letting some air out of your balloon; your stress levels will temporarily drop.
• Finally, Set strong boundaries. Some people want to constantly be on your case about having a job, or whine about how the world is unfair.  Stop it.  You probably do enough guilt-tripping yourself.  Reduce the time you spend with “toxic” people so you can bring your full energy to what you need to do.

3. Is there any particular time of the year that is more stressful than others for job seekers? (e.g. the upcoming holiday season, for instance)

Honestly, I don’t know that there is a worse time of year for search, as much as there’s a relationship between length of search and stress.  The longer you’re looking, the higher the stress, no matter what time of year.

Frankly, for some people stress actually DROPS during the holidays, because they are surrounded by a pervasive sense of good cheer and have many events to distract them from the search stress. For others, however, having to show up at Aunt Tillie’s and say, “I’m still looking” can be the worst part of the year.

To cope with all the people who will say, “what’s your status?” you can prepare a positive story. Instead of saying, “There’s nothing out there, it’s no use,” share what progress you’ve made and how you feel hopeful that “I know the right job is still out there waiting for me,” or “I’m very excited about the classes I’m taking, because they are preparing me for a new career,”  or you can talk about all the contacts you’ve made in the past two months.  Keep your focus positive, and make it clear: “I don’t want pity – I want contacts!”

If you’re looking for more ideas, here’s a post I did on managing holiday stress. It’s not specifically for job searchers, but maybe there’s another idea or two that will help you get through the next couple of months.

Good luck in your process!

Create Space for Happiness: Just Say No

I just finished the most overwhelming month I’ve encountered in a LONG time.

I had a major client project coming to a close (with tons of final meetings), an enormous amount of work for a training program I’m enrolled in myself, a peak of client work, and several out of town trips for work… PLUS a son’s college graduation and another son’s wedding (two weekends of this), all of it out of town and requiring travel….PLUS it’s spring time, and we had to get our garden planted in a specific window and maintain the yard.

Whew!  As much as I walk my talk, all the meditation, breathing, and gratitude practices in the world were not enough to keep me from falling into frustration, overwhelm, guilt (from missing a deadline), and even, on a particularly bad night, from despair.

Hey, don’t lie to me – you’ve been there!  Imagine: There I was, lying on the bottom of the pit of despair and hopelessness, wishing for calm and happiness and satisfaction…when I realized what the problem was.

I was forgetting Happiness Principle #1: Be Positively Self-ish! I’d forgotten that sometimes the shortest path to sanity is to use one of the shortest words in the dictionary: No.

And so I spent the next day working up the courage to start saying No.  I reviewed my calendar, computed how much time I’d need for all my commitments, and calculated that I had more work than hours available.  (Confession – at this point, I had trouble breathing.  Honestly!)

Gulp!  So the first order of business was determining what I would say NO to.  I decided that I would NOT say No to sleep.  (Bad idea, to skip sleep).

Next, I sorted out two projects and renegotiated the due dates.  I started to feel optimistic, once again.  Then the phone rang.

“Hi, Jim.  We really need you.  Right now.  Can you come in and facilitate this leadership meeting for us, right away, for which we’ll pay you money?”  (that’s not really how it went, but that’s what I heard).  Gulp, again.  And I looked back down into the pit of despair and hopelessness…and in that dark place I found a tiny bit of backbone and courage, and I said, “I’d love to!  AND I am totally swamped right now, and cannot commit to any more work until June.  Can that still work for you?”  (My mind raced through many dark scenarios… will they leave me?  Will they say, “no way?”)

Hallelujah!  “not a problem, Jim.  I understand.”  And we looked ahead to the relatively open space on my June calendar.

This conversation repeated a few times, and the wonderful thing is, now my June is pretty full.  Great stuff!  If I’d not found the courage to Just Say No, I would have been completely underwater, and probably trying to edit strategy documents at my son’s wedding last weekend!

Boundaries protect us

When you Just Say No to things you can’t handle right now, you are taking very good care of yourself.  Saying No creates a strong boundary, so that other people know how far they can go and what they can ask of you.  If you have weak boundaries, you can end up in situations you do not like, trying to fulfill commitments you can’t handle… and you’ll be miserable.

And remember, when you take care of YOU, you end up with more capacity to take care of others, and in the end, there’s more happiness to go around for everyone.

Because I Just Said No, I was able to be fully present to all my clients, meet most of my commitments on time, and still spend all my weekends with family.

So when life threatens to run you over, take care of you.  Just Say No.

~~~~~~~~~~

Living Happiness Principle # 1, Be Positively Self-ish is critical if you are to open up space to live life on YOUR terms versus everyone else’s.  Why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm. Choose Happiness.

Do You Truly Value Happiness?

Sigh.  I just deleted from my mailbox YET ANOTHER newsletter that promised insights or wisdom about Happiness, yet turned out to be hawking STUFF.  I sometimes feel frustrated that so many marketers — on TV, in print, and on the Internet — hijack the concept of happiness.  Because that’s been happening so much, we’ve gotten to point as a society where we no longer value happiness for… itself.  Seems it always has to be attached to something — an outcome, a promotion, a product, or a ‘system.’

The other night I counted commercials across two hours of television, and nearly a third of them directly referenced happiness or being happy (products ranged from Wal-mart & cars to flowers & erectile dysfunction meds).  Even some of the teachers I’ve followed and learned from over the years seem to be abandoning the pursuit of happiness as noble, and are replacing that with a sales pitch.

Am I just naive?  Is it silly of me to believe that Happiness has value in and of itself?  Am I fooling myself into believing that people find value in learning how to live a happier life if that “happier life” can’t be quantified with dollars or the accumulation of product?  Should I give up my quest to provide people tools and practices for experiencing more happiness for it’s own sake?

No.  Because you know what?  On the other side of the marketing street stand many people who are strong enough to resist the message, and who have the wisdom to say, “I know more STUFF won’t make me happy.”   Those are the people to whom I speak.

And I hope that all of you who ‘get’ this message realize how important it is that you value Happiness for its own sake.  As long as SOME of us hold steadfastly to the belief that we can control our own happiness, there is hope for the world.

So, how about if we all take a deep breath together?  Pull your shoulders back and open up your heart, breathe into your deep belly, and say, “I am enough, for now.  I have enough.  I am content.”

Give yourself permission to be happy, for a moment, with just what you have.  And notice how rich you feel!

Do You Keep Happiness “In Place?”

Six weeks ago our youngest son bought us a new chandelier — something that goes better with our remodeled great room.  When we took down the old chandelier, however, we decided it was still in superb condition.

So we polished it up, and hung it… in the master bedroom.

And ever since then, we’ve been getting the strangest reactions from people who have seen our room or heard that we hung a chandelier in such a place.

Very odd looks.  Statements like, “you did What?!”

Yes, we did something very unconventional with lighting.  And now we LOVE how much softer and fuller the lighting is in our bedroom.

But this experience has me thinking about how often I see people segment their life and put things in different places based on “how things are supposed to be.”  They hold a story that ‘this belongs here’ and ‘that belongs ONLY there.’  For example:

• Chandeliers should only be hung in a dining room or kitchen.
• White should not be worn after Labor Day (that was one of my mom’s rules)
• I’m not allowed to get angry on the job
• Real men don’t cry (or wear pink)
• Happiness is only for weekends
• There’s no place for joy in the workplace
• Less desirable emotions (like fear, sadness, anxiety) must be stuffed down
• We can only use Grandma’s china for special family occasions
• Talking about death or aging will cause those things, so they can’t ever be discussed
• Happiness is not important enough to take up space on meeting agendas

When you look at that list you might think, ‘I don’t hold any of those beliefs!’  Perhaps true, but everybody has their stories about what’s proper and what’s not, and what can be talked about & where.

I’m not saying any of those ‘stories’ are right or wrong or good or bad… just that they are stories.  Recognize you made them up; and you can make new stories when the old ones no longer work.

My wife and I challenged the story about chandeliers, and made a new one that worked better for us.  I wear pink after years of thinking it was ‘not right.’  and of course I believe that there is absolutely a place for happiness at work!

What stories do YOU hold about What goes Where?  And which stories do you want to rewrite?

Happiness is a Great Mac-N-Cheese!

Met a client for lunch today at a little gem of a restaurant in Tremont (a ‘comeback’ region of Cleveland) called Lucky’s Cafe.

I’ve had many meetings at this location over the past year, but they’ve always been “meet for coffee” events, so my experience of Lucky’s is as a coffee shop — with a great patio in the summer.

Today was my first lunch meeting at the place.  I knew as soon as I looked at the menu what I was going to order — the macaroni and cheese is legendary, plus I’ve got a warm spot for comfort food.

But I have to tell you, I was completely unprepared for how UTTERLY FANTASTIC a plain old dish like macaroni and cheese can become in the hands of a food artistan.

This was not ‘just’ a variation on comfort food.  It was decadent.  It was the very definition of Creamy.  It was a macaroni and cheese Dessert.  It was a ‘dive in and swim around in it’ entree.  It was a little bit of bubbling cheese heaven on a plate.  It was a Stop-The-Conversation-So-I-Can-Experience-Sensory-Pleasure dish.

Did I mention it was really good?

And that the side of homemade applesauce was just the perfect thickness, with a hint of cinnamon?

Ironically, just before the entrees arrived, my client and I were discussing the distinction between pleasure (fleeting) and happiness (more enduring).  So the question becomes, can macaroni and cheese create true happiness?

Well, I’m willing to go back to Lucky’s Cafe to find out!

(from their menu)

Baked Mac-N-Cheese
Cheddar, Brie, Parmesan, And Mozzarella Cheeses, Baked With Pasta And Cream, Topped With Brioche Bread Crumbs.
Served With Housemade Apple Sauce.

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience.  After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself.  Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥

This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride.  She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters.  She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.

Take a look at her blog post, here

I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation.  Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web.  I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country.  Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.

♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥

Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme.  I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.

My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.

So the message I brought back into my conversations is this:  If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first.  And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural.  Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.

And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.

So, how might you love yourself more?  What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable?  (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”).  What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into?  Identify a few of those, and start practicing.

As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.

In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim

Happiness and New Beginnings

I’m not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions.  Most people fail at them within a few weeks.  So then they give up… until next year.

But hold on!  Maybe there’s a better way to approach self-improvement, one goal at a time.

The start of the new year, in my opinion, just one occasion for creating change.  Think about how many new beginnings occur every year:

• New Year’s Day, first of the year, start of the First Quarter (in business)
• Beginning of Winter Quarter/Winter Semester (in school)
• The first day of Spring
• Opening Day in Baseball
• Easter/Passover
• Start of the Second Quarter
• Memorial Day (the “official” start of summer)
• Graduations
• the first day of Summer
• Start of the Third Quarter
• Start of the NFL exhibition season
• Beginning of the School year
• the first day of Autumn
• Start of the Fourth Quarter
• the beginning of the year-end holiday season
• Return from Vacation (any time of year)
• Completion of any long-term project… and the start of another
• Starting a new job
• Getting a promotion
• Starting a new task on the same job
• The start of any new month
• The start of a new week (e.g. Sunday, or Monday…)
• Add your own: _______________

Little Changes, All the Time

Every time you experience a new beginning, you have an opportunity to start over in some area of your life.  Will you fail, sometimes?  Yes.  When you carry a perspective that things are CONTINUALLY new, however, you give yourself permission to fall down, get back up, and try again in a few days or a week, rather than giving up on yourself until next Jan 1.

When you adopt a mindset of “little changes, all the time” you can make self-improvement part of Who You Are, rather than some Big Event that is all scary and hard and ‘different.’

When you fail, you can look to the next “beginning” in your life to restart your efforts in earnest.

Having multiple beginnings in your year also allows you to FOCUS your goals.  Instead of having to create change in five major areas in January, pick one.  Yes, just One.  And let go of the rest, for now.  Practice the one shift every day, every day, every day, until it starts to feel routine.  Then pull up the next goal and introduce the next little change a few months later, at your next beginning point.

The path to Happiness is not direct and continuous.  The path is winding and full of twists and turns and backtracking and sideroads that lead nowhere.  Give yourself permission to keep coming back and starting over on the path you really want to take.

Make a list of all the times in a year you can declare a “new beginning.”

You have as many chances as you give yourself!

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