You always have the Power to Change YOU

Do you have things or situations in your life that cause you to go, “ugh!”?

I call them Tolerations — things you “put up with” in your life. Because they are often small and invisible, they create stress without your awareness; they drain your energy.

Happiness Principle #6 reads: Tolerate Nothing. Continually identify and eliminate all the little “stuff” which causes you friction and drains your energy.

When I introduce people to the concept of Tolerations they often list issues they are tolerating, but then they get overwhelmed when they consider how much WORK it’s going to take to address them.

No.  Stop.  It doesn’t have to be about you changing them — it’s about you changing YOU, which is a lot easier.

Here’s the thing: people are people, and situations are situations. They are neither good nor bad, hard nor easy.  It is your ASSESSMENT of a person or situation that creates your stress, and many times the easiest way to reduce your stress is to change the story you tell yourself.

Example: For several years, my gym time overlapped with that of a guy I’ll call “Greg.” Greg worked out six days a week, and was in superb physical condition, via swimming, weights, and cardio work.  AND Greg was a neat freak/germophobe.  Each time I crossed his path he would comment on a leaky sink, the odor in the bathroom, insufficient hot water in the showers, etc, etc.  I regularly agreed with him, and we’d have a little pity party….

And I would leave the gym feeling stressed and a little down.

What Greg said was true — stuff wasn’t working. Also true: this was a 60-year old YMCA building, and Greg issues were related to the aging facilities.  One day this situation came up in my tolerations work, and I realized I was whining.  So I adjusted my thinking and my behavior.

In working on myself, I also became aware of what Greg was doing. So I asked him, “If you have so many problems with the place, why do you keep working out here?”  Greg looked at me with surprise.  His first reaction was, “I’ve been coming here for years!” and I came back with, “So have I, Greg… and I cannot think of a time when these were not issues.  You are arguing with reality.  Do you realize that you are tolerating these conditions?”  “Tolerating?”  I explained what I meant, and he pondered that as he dressed and left.

I never saw Greg again at the YMCA. However, we traveled in overlapping business circles, and two months later I saw him at a networking event.  He came over to shake my hand and said, “You were right.  I obsessed about that place, and yet I had the power to change the situation all along.  I found another gym that I like better.  Thank you for showing me that I was putting up with the situation.  It was not them that needed to change – it was me!”

And that’s the point of Tolerations. If you are unaware of something that is draining you, it will continue to Zap your energy. The tolerations exercise gives you the opportunity to say, “that bugs me,” out loud, and really acknowledge it.

Once you do that, you have choices that you did NOT have when it was invisible to you.  You can CHOOSE to remain and whine about it, OR…you can choose to take action, make a plan, make a request of someone else, or even…

…change your thinking about it. Note the contrast between how Greg and I experienced the same reality – shower facilities occasionally smelled and needed constant repair:

• Greg thought, “It should not be like this.  This is wrong.  I am suffering.”  And he took action to find a new place.
• I looked at the same situation and thought, “yes, there are breakdowns constantly; AND they keep it clean and the price is reasonable, and I am willing to accept the tradeoffs.”

We CHOSE different, yet equally effective paths: I let go of the toleration by changing my story, while Greg eliminated the toleration by changing his environment.

Notice that what changed in both situations was US – first, awareness, then making a new choice.

Do This For Yourself

What are you tolerating? Download the complete exercise here.

If you removed a few tolerations, how much better might you feel? Think about it.  Less burdens to carry.  More energy and capacity to focus on what’s important.  More space to feel happiness and contentment rather than the anxiety and stuckness that often accompany tolerations.

And who doesn’t want to be happier?

Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/resources/articles/HP06-TolerateNothing.pdf for complete instructions and a Tolerations worksheet

Drop me a note to tell me what YOU notice when you acknowledge your tolerations. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

Do it backwards for a Change!

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a rut, seemingly unable to change a habit or a feeling? Have you heard the quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” and thought, “What does that mean for me?”

One way to creatively approach any stubborn situation is to Reverse It – do it backwards, upside down, or from an opposite point of view.  The Reverse It technique pulls you out of the fog of Habit and helps you notice or shift things that were not possible when you were following your usual process.

I use the Reverse It technique in many areas of my life. For instance, when I find myself getting bored with my fitness routines, I can change up simply by starting at the end.  When I walk, I nearly always turn left out of my driveway, but when I turn right instead I have a totally different walking experience.

What are some ways you might Reverse It to shake up a part of your life that you want to change?

1. Instead of trying to take a deep breath to calm down in the middle of a tough conversation, try taking a minute BEFORE the conversation to calm and center you.
2. If getting to the gym is not working for you on your current schedule, flip your visit to the other end of your day and see if shifts your motivation and/or energy.
3. Start a few conversations by stating what YOU want instead of first dancing around and trying to figure out what the other person wants.
4. Park at the back of the lot instead of the front, and use the extra minute of walking to let your body warm up.
5. Come in to a building via a different entrance and notice how things look from a different perspective. For example, enter your workplace via the customer/patient entrance vs. the employee entrance.  Or use the front door vs. the side door of your church/temple and notice the new view.
6. If you’re rushed in the morning, but then spend an hour glazed over in front of the TV at night, try reversing that hour of your day – move up your bedtime and “flip” an extra 30 minutes into your morning.
7. Instead of waiting for someone to recognize or appreciate you, reverse the conversation and take time every day to offer a compliment or gratitude to someone else.

When you change the way you approach a situation, you create new points of view that can lead to different outcomes and different emotions.

An Action Step

Back to that quote:  stop the insanity of repeating old, ineffective behavior!

Pick an aspect of your life or work that is “not working” for you right now.  Step back and ask, “In what way(s) might I Reverse this to create a different motivation, reaction, or perspective for myself?” Then put that opposite into practice a few times and notice what you learn from the experience.  If your outcomes change, then you have a winner!

Change Starts With YOU

New habits can be tough to change in the workplace. People like predictability. When you show up differently – even if the change is for the better – it is still different, and you may feel pressure from others to go back to how you were “before.”

Still, change starts with you. Choose a specific situation, conversation, or relationship that sometimes creates difficulty or unhappiness for you. Notice how you behave or choose in that situation. Now, notice the internal conversation you have with yourself each time it occurs. Finally, try shifting that conversation to something more positive.

An executive client was having difficulty working with his CEO because he felt the boss was too hard to pin down. His perception was that the CEO changed her mind too often and was unable to make a decision. He found himself so focused on taking notes and analyzing ideas that he was constantly exhausted after their meetings.

We looked at the situation from different angles and my client considered the fact that the CEO, a high-energy extravert, was perhaps just “thinking out loud” and did not need him to create action plans. So he shifted his internal conversation from, “Oh no, here we go again” to “Let’s have some fun with this!” He stopped taking notes and began to practice active listening when the boss went off on tangents.

A few weeks later she thanked him for being such a great listener, saying, “I really appreciate being able to talk things over with you. Sometimes I just need to sort out the issues before I talk with the rest of the team.”

Practice does not make perfect. Practice does, however, build capacity and can serve to recalibrate us at whatever level we aim.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title. Anyone can be a leader who stretches new “muscles” and practices new behaviors that improve their relationships with others.

Create Change One Tiny Step at a Time

A moment, take 1: I’m watching my four-month old grandson as he flails his hands about, trying so hard to get his fist into his mouth.  He fails 100% of the time.  He hits his cheek, his forehead, his ears.

A moment, take 2: I’m swimming laps in the pool, lost in thought about my day.  I glance at the clock and realize I’ve lost track of time.  I’ve just swum a half mile on autopilot.

A moment, take 3: My client shows up excited to tell me how well she did on her presentation to the executive board.  Every day for the past month she has practiced a calm, grounded body so that she could deliver her message from a place of confidence instead a place of panic.

A moment, take 4: One month later, my grandson reaches out with purpose, grasps a plastic ring and, with intense concentration, moves it purposefully and directly toward his mouth.  He succeeds every time.

Your Body, Brain, and Heart Are the Same System

My colleague who studies Neurobiology says, “Nothing changes unless the brain changes.” A colleague who uses martial arts in his leadership work says, “Every habit starts and ends in the body.”  Hmm.

Who is more correct? I believe they both hold the truth. You cannot change your behavior JUST by thinking about it; you must actually DO something with your body, creating muscle memory.  AND since you are essentially one big nervous system, everything you do engages your brain and creates new neural connections.

This is why physical practices and movement are equally important for those seeking to change a habit, become better leaders, or live a happier life. Whatever you seek to change, you must think it AND do it, many times.

After counting my grandson’s fidgeting one day, I calculated that he did that “hand-to-mouth” move over 1,000 times before he could hit the target.  He’ll repeat the same relentless practice for rolling over, standing up, and speaking.

My ability to swim on autopilot happened the same way. Having swum competitively for eight years, plus some practice for another 30, I estimate I’ve done 500,000+ flip turns in my life – my body can execute a clean flip off the wall without my even having to think it.

This is the essence: You become what you repeatedly do. The corollaries: You ARE what you’ve repeatedly done in the past; and, You can BECOME what you repeatedly do from today forward.  Muscle memory, emotional memory, brain chemistry – all part of the same system.

Seven Places to Start a New Habit

Here are some simple emotional practices that can help recalibrate your base mood.  Approach these with an intention to engage your physical senses which will influence your emotional state and rewire your brain.

1. Smile more often
   (it improves “muscle memory” on your face and invokes positive feelings)
2. Keep a Joy List or write down daily blessings
   (the physical writing engages your body as it tones your “awareness muscle”)
3. Take two deep breaths and relax your shoulders, ten times a day
   (trains your body to find a calm place under pressure)
4. List what’s RIGHT in a situation before listing the problems
   (balances your attention and your perspective)
5. Count to ten before reacting to any situation
   (trains your emotions to wait – until your brain catches up)
6. Hold your arms at your sides – uncrossed — in all conversations
   (helps your body experience the feeling of openness/acceptance to other ideas and people and improves your listening skills)
7. Hang out with people who already live in the place you want to live
   (As mammals, we learn our emotional cues from others.  If you want to be more positive, hang out with optimists.  If you want to eat better, hang out with the health buffs)

Consider a physical or emotional aspect of yourself that you want to recalibrate. What is a practice that you might use to help you get used to a new way of being? Start with just one tiny thing – one food, one habit, one choice, one relationship, even just one word you use. Shift it, then practice it regularly from this day forward. Just one…

Choice by Tiny Choice, You Can Change Your Life!

I turned 54 last week. This was a special birthday to me, because there was a time when I did not expect to live this long.

When I was 28 I had heart problems that landed me in the Cardiac ICU at the Cleveland Clinic. While they tried to get my heart rate under control, my cardiologist introduced me to several older men who had the same arrhythmia, but it had not manifested in them until they were older… and they both nearly died on the spot the first time it happened. I remember him telling me, “you will not live as long as these guys did if you don’t take better care of yourself.” I asked the one guy, “How old are you?” 54. He was 54 and he looked like crap.

At the time, I was overweight, stressed, and had “too many” negative medical indicators. Ugh.

So my ‘scared shitless’ story took root, and I changed my life, one little habit shift at a time:

• I became disciplined about working out.  At first it was twice a week, then three, and eventually five (that transition took 10 years).
• I lost weight.
• I started watching what I ate, and over the years became a low-carb, meat-free, fresh-foodie (with a dark chocolate addiction on the side).  I did not become a vegetarian overnight — I got there by dropping one food at a time, and adding new foods gradually.
• I dropped my cholesterol by 80 points and normalized my blood pressure through diet.
• I cross trained, did Jazzercise, swam, ran, and lifted heavy things.  Since I”m easily bored, I used variety in my workouts to keep myself motivated.
• I started noticing my self-talk, and gradually re-wrote all my ‘stories’ (still workin’ on this today!)
• I started studying happiness.
• I nurtured my optimism.
• I took up yoga (five years ago) and then meditation (three years ago).

And yet…. I realized just last year that I’ve been holding – for many years – the story that “I could die when I’m 54.” And I’ve been (quietly yet definitely) scared to turn 54.

And now, I’m here. And it’s not so scary after all.

And I got here one tiny shift, one new practice at a time.

And, my dear reader, that’s what I hope for you.   You can change your life, Choice by tiny Choice.

Stand Tall. Breathe Deeply. Smile Often!