Be Kind, Not Nice

I recently received a bit of wisdom from a colleague of mine, and it was very important in a conversation I had today with a client, so I”m passing on to you.

First, an important distinction between being NICE and being KIND

Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling–it’s their perception of the situation.

Kind is about what you choose to do and why.

When you want to be nice it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy. When you want to be kind it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it. Nice is permissive. Kind is grace-based discipline

If I want to be nice to my children I will give them what they want, not do what is needed, seek to please them and hope they like me. If I want to be kind to my children I will give them blessings, do what they need, seek to teach them and hope they learn. Nice manipulates. Kindness trains.

What is the lesson for leadership and life?

When you fail to provide critical steering feedback to a team member who is heading down the wrong path, you are being nice.  They will go home and feel good about you and the workplace.  When you intentionally create an UNCOMFORTABLE conversation in which you share your observations and engage that person around improving, you are being Kind.  For if no one tells them, how will they know of the issue?

If you have a friend who’s lost their job, it’s probably important to be Nice to them for a short time. Let them cry on your couch.  Invite them over for drinks and a chance to vent about the mean old company.  But don’t be nice forever.  As a friend, you must be Kind, and look your friend in the eyes and say, “You need to find a job, and you can’t do that from your couch.  I’m happy to help you create a more positive story about your last boss, but I’m not going to listen to the old story anymore.  It’s time, my friend, to get over it.”

If you really, truly want what’s best for yourself and for others, think beyond what will allow everyone to feel good about THIS conversation. Instead, think ahead and, if necessary, step into a NEW conversation that may feel uncomfortable, yet will provide the push or shove or difficult feedback — and support — for what is needed in the future.

Be Kind, not Nice.

Exercises to Strengthen Your Emotional Muscles

Once you’re aware that you have the power to manage your own emotional state, how might you get better at it?  What comes with awareness and observation are more sophisticated/purposeful skills.

I offer the following simple exercises, each focused on a strengthening a different dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

SELF AWARENESS

• Watch Your Emotions: For 2-3 weeks, diary your emotions. After every interaction, take 1 min to give that interaction a “score” (e.g. thumbs up, down, neutral, or a number 1-10) on effectiveness, then name the top 1,2,or3 emotions you felt during that interaction.  (over time, you will notice patterns — which emotions you spend more time in, trigger situations, etc).  Awareness is crucial to deepening your emotional intelligence
• Practice centering. Stand Tall, breathe deeply, connect to the ground, and feel into your Confident body

SELF-MANAGEMENT

• Practice Deliberate Emotions: Identify one or two emotions OTHER than calm/confidence that you would like to inhabit more often. What is the body and breath and story/assessment that go with that emotion, for you? Practice moving yourself into that intentional emotional space once or twice each day.
• Practice Recovery (Note: play carefully, here!): Find a safe space, e.g. at home, or alone in office. with intention, shift into anger, irritation, or some other emotion that gives you trouble, usu by reliving an incident/story. Give yourself a couple minutes to hold that intensity (it helps to set a timer, first). Notice all the visceral signs of that emotion in your body, breath, pulse, thinking, etc. When timer goes off, practice releasing that intensity and moving yourself back to center/calm. (Strengthens your ability to return to calm/center under stress)

EMPATHY/Other Awareness

• Strengthen Awareness: While sitting in meetings, act as observer of each of the other players or at least the key players. Without any assessment as to right/wrong or good/bad, see if you can identify — from language, body language, tone, other visible physical signs — what mood or emotional space that person is in. Do this several times during a meeting, noticing changes. (Strengthens ability to read others).
• Advanced: same exercise, except apply to the overall GROUP mood/emotion. Which person(s) appear to be the stronger influences on that group mood? (P.S. we often do this without realizing we are doing it.  The focus here is on picking up the “mood of the room” with intention).
• Check Awareness: In conversation with others, try to identify/name the mood you are feeling from them. Check your assessment by asking, “You seem ______. Am I reading you correctly, in this moment?”  (Refines your emotional radar)

RELATIONSHIPS/INFLUENCE/Other Management

• Mirroring/Drawing: When in conversations with others, selectively try one of the following:

A) purposefully mirror the mood/emotion of the other, thru standard mirroring techniques, e.g. matching body posture, energy, speed of speech, etc. Notice what effect that has on the conversation, when you Match

B) do the opposite of A — purposefully choose a DIFFERENT space, and shift into that in your speech, energy, non-verbal language, tone, etc. Hold that space with intention. Notice what effect it has on the conversation when you Draw the other

(This pairing is a training exercise/practice for negotiation, e.g. sales conversations, any situations where you seek to influence someone else — a frequent focus for leaders — or where you are striving to hone your facilitation skills, which include being able to shift the emotional space when appropriate)

There Are Other Places To Sing

A reader sent me this story as a response my post on Saying Goodbye.  I teared up as I read it, and now pass it along to you.  My Aunt Corrine passed on last Friday evening — she’s now singing in a different place.

I hope you enjoy it.

THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was ‘Information Please’ and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my Mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the Parlor and dragged it to the landing climbing up; I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. ‘Information, please,’ I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

‘Information.’

‘I hurt my finger,’ I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

‘Isn’t your mother home?’ came the question.

‘Nobody’s home but me,’ I blubbered.

‘Are you bleeding?’ the voice asked. ‘No,’ I replied. ‘I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.’ ‘Can you open the icebox?’ she asked.

I said I could.

‘Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,’ said the voice.

After that, I called ‘Information Please’ for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where  Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, ‘Information Please,’ and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, ‘Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring Joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?’

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ‘ Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.’

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, ‘Information Please.’ ‘Information,’ said in the now familiar voice. ‘How do I spell fix?’ I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to  Boston . I missed my friend very much. ‘Information Please’ belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in  Seattle  I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, ‘Information Please.’

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. ‘Information.’

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, ‘Could you please tell me how to spell fix?’

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, ‘I guess your finger must have healed by now.’

I laughed, ‘So it’s really you,’ I said. ‘I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?’

‘I wonder,’ she said, ‘if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.’

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

‘Please do,’ she said. ‘Just ask for Sally.’ Three months later I was back in  Seattle  a different voice answered:  Information.’ I asked for Sally.

‘Are you a friend?’ she said.

‘Yes, a very old friend,’ I answered.

‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this,’ she said. ‘Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.’

Before I could hang up she said, ‘Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?’ ‘Yes.’ I answered.

‘Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.’ The note said, ‘Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.’

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did….

Lifting you on eagle’s wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey … NOT a guided tour. So don’t miss the ride and have a great time going around.  You don’t get a second shot at it.

Namaste,  Jim

Happy Coincidences

My wife’s brother is getting (re)married in a couple weeks, and we need to have a modest gift (it’s a third marriage, so no crockpot for this one!).  She came across an old photo of her parents’ wedding a few weeks ago, which sparked an idea.

The bride-to-be is really “into” vintage photos, which hang about the house.  So we searched out a wedding photo for each of the grandparents, to put with the parents’ photo.  The plan is to have them all scanned, turned into matching 5×7 shots, and put into a nice frame.  That’s nice, but not the best part.

The two photos show a similar wedding portrait from early last century (the two couples were married about two years apart in the mid-1920s).  The groom is seated, while the bride stands slightly behind and to the right, so as to show off the entire length of the white dress and veil.  The shots are two different sizes and carry different backgrounds, so at first glance they are quite distinct.

Until you look closely — and I’m apparently the first one to ever do this.

“Sweetie…. come here and look at this,” I invited.  She came over and looked.  We looked again.  We put it under a magnifying glass to confirm.

BOTH grooms are sitting in the same chair.  Not just a similar pose, we now realized — the SAME pose.  The exact same carved wooden chair, identical down to the little patch of frayed material on the corner of the cushion.

It’s a tiny little coincidence, but really neat to know that these two couples who came from very different worlds — one a pair of second-generation Germans and the other very new immigrants from Slovakia — ended up going to the same place to memorialize their wedding, not knowing that 30 years from that time two of their offspring would meet and marry.

Isn’t that just cool to know?!

And it put me in mind of a little coincidence with our own parents.  Early in our relationship, we realized that both sets of parents were married on the same date.  It was just a little tiny coincidence that we interpreted as a sign from The Universe that it had some plans for us to be together, all along.

Apparently those happy coincidences go back a couple generations!

So now, I’m wondering what other tiny little message The Universe plants around world.  Have YOU come across any meaningful coincidences in your world, lately?  Please, share!

Happy Thanksgiving – Inventory Your Wealth

Happy Thanksgiving!

As The Executive Happiness Coach^® I especially love any holiday that carries a greeting of HAPPY in front of it.

You know, many people say that Happiness is the “ultimate currency.” So when we wish each other a “Happy Anything” we are, in a way, wishing for them a life that is wealthy on many levels.

In this time of crisis in which, uncertainty, worry, and fear seem everywhere, give yourself also the gift of hope. Eventually the crisis will pass, the transition will be history, the recession will fade to memory. My wish for you is that you take time during this 2008 Thanksgiving holiday, to inventory the wealth you possess that is independent of money:

Your Relationships
List the people who love you, and whom you love

Your Wisdom
Think about how much you know, and recognize what an asset you are

Your Communities
Write down all the groups of which you are a member – work, family, faith, civic, and even virtual/online

Your Faith
Consider the beliefs you hold; the things you believe in even if you cannot “prove” them

Your Health
Take a deep, deep breath and consider how fabulous it is to be alive (aches and pains and all!)

Your future
Regardless what’s happened till now, the rest of your life is yet unwritten, and you can change the story if you want to

Make time to express gratitude, on purpose. It’s good for you! Gratitude is one of a handful of emotions which create as much good feeling in the Giver as in the Receiver. So remember that when you say, “thanks!” you’re filling up someone else’s tank… as well as your own!

So HAPPY Thanksgiving. I am grateful that you are in my world – as a reader, as a client, as a colleague, as a friend, as a fellow traveler on Spaceship Earth.

In happiness, J

Happiness and Healthcare

My dear father-in-law is currently in surgery — open heart surgery to repair his dissected (torn) aorta.  And we are sitting in the hospital totally happy!

Lester M. Dunning (initials LMD, aka Lucky Mr Dunning) has been healthy for 80 years, until eight weeks ago when he *thought* he hurt his back making a difficult shot on the golf course (tremendous shooting pain, etc).  He’s been in and out of his doctor’s office since then, taking antibiotics, feeling better and worse but never quite normal.  Something was not quite right with his system.  He was always tired.  He was losing weight.  He was running a low-grade fever every other day.  A nagging cough would not go away.  Everyone was wanting for him to feel better, but no one could figure out the problem.  Anxiety was running high.

Finally, his doctor sent him for a CAT Scan a couple days ago.  Minutes after he arrived home, his doctor was on the phone with the results: “Go to the hospital.  Now.”  Turns out he’s been walking around with a dissected aorta, a condition that normally results in death – yes, death – in 90% of cases, usually within a few hours.  Hours. And this man has been walking around w/ the condition for two months!

And not just walking.  WALKING!  On his good days, he and Lois were still maintaining their two-mile walking regimen.  He flew to Nova Scotia to visit Lois’ son.  Everyone in the healthcare system who has heard this story says the same thing: “wow – you must be just plain lucky!”  Statistically, he should be gone.  Statistically, his walking around — and let’s not even talk about the flying! — should have killed him.

His survival for this long with this condition is so unusual that several doctors have come in to examine and study him.  This morning, everyone on the 15-person surgical team came in to the pre-op area to meet him before they took him to the OR — because they wanted to meet this man who is a walking miracle.

With this much positive attention, is it any wonder that we was in an incredibly UPBEAT mood as they wheeled him away?  The surgical nurse came down to tell us that he was laughing and joking with the team as they put him under to start the procedure.

So, as serious as this surgery is (it doesn’t get more invasive than when they open your ribcage with a power saw!), we are THRILLED that he is undergoing this seven-hour ordeal. He is, indeed, Lucky Mr Dunning.

Clearly, he has more work to do in this life.  And we are pretty happy about that. 

No man is an island…

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were. Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee…”
~~John Donne (Renaissance Poet), Meditation 17, Devotions upon Emergent Occasions

I recently came across this short poem by John Donne, which I memorized in junior high school and am still able to recite (mostly) today. It’s always meant a great deal to me, to know that I am, always, a part of something much bigger than I.

Although the passage speaks of death, my ‘read’ of it is much more about how we all connect. We are emotional creatures, all linked to one another in deeper ways than most of us admit or realize. When one of our members is angry, we all feel it. When someone comes in with Good News, we all feel lighter for hearing that.

In my mind I rewrite portions of this passage:

Any man’s sadness affects me, because I am involved….
Any man’s success improves me as well, because I am involved…
Any man’s unhappiness diminishes me, because I am involved….
Any man’s Happiness fulfills me, even if not my own, because I am involved…

And so on.

I am human – I am, by my nature, a social animal. I have to be involved. Selfishly, it serves me to stay connected; for when I connect to the humanity in you, I acknowledge my own humanity.

Ahh, doesn’t that feel nice?!

In happiness…