It’s Time for Spring Cleaning!

Ah, Spring!  The days are longer.  The sun shines brighter.

Oh, and as it shines in and brightens my home, I’m suddenly aware of a winter’s worth of dirt on the windows, dark paths on the carpeting from tracked-in winter slush, and cobwebs in the dim recesses that were invisible in the grey light of winter.

Hey, it’s time for Spring Cleaning.  Let’s bring in some fresh air and bright sunshine while we get rid of the crud that’s accumulated over the past year.

Here are some ideas to clean up your physical and emotional houses this month.

Spring Cleaning Tips

Wash the Windows. Windows don’t get dirty overnight.  But over months and years the drips and streaks build up a little at a time until even a sunny day looks drab and colorless.  So it is with our emotional lives.  We build up judgments and beliefs ever so slowly, and then one day we wake up and think, “When did the world turn so negative?”  To reveal what is truly happening in the world, we need to occasionally clear the film we’ve allowed to accumulate.

So in your house, use your favorite window cleaner and a dry rag.  In your head and heart try scraping away a few assessments that are no longer serving you.  Wipe away any opinion you hold that includes NEVER or ALWAYS, conditions that cloud judgment.  For example, is your sister/neighbor/coworker/boss ALWAYS that way, or is it that your “filters” only let through the evidence that supports your expectation?  Clean windows let you see what’s really happening and give you a brighter experience.

Clear the Cobwebs. Spiders weave their webs and then move on to new locations.  A dust mop or a rag on a stick will clear away the dusty old webs that got left behind.

Old stories are the cobwebs of the mind.  What’s gathering dust in your head?  Do you hear, “I can’t …” or “I don’t deserve…” or “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” If the story ain’t workin’ for you, try poking it with a stick and then spin a new story in its place, like, “I’m enough,” “I can…,” and “I deserve to be happy!”

Shampoo the Rug, Move Some Furniture. Rug trails come from people walking the same path over and again.  In a similar way, things you do over and again form deep neural pathways until they become what we call Habits.

To unmark the path, clean the carpet.  Then rearrange one or two pieces of furniture to shift traffic patterns to a new location (this really works!)

To create new Habits, follow a similar process.  First, observe your old pattern of reaction.  What one small shift will support a new or modified habit?  For example, if you can’t seem to get to the gym after work, consider shifting bedtime and then get up earlier to fit in your fitness before work.  Repeat the new pattern until you form new pathways that work better for you.

Change the Air. One of my favorite ways to refresh the house is to open all the windows and turn the furnace to Fan mode.  In a couple hours the air is completely turned over and all the accumulated odors of winter have disappeared.

Fresh air is a great tool to improve your mood, as well.  Try this simple exercise from the yoga world:  Sit quietly.  Using the thumb of your right hand, gently press your right nostril closed and take a long, slow breath in through your left nostril.  Now shift your hand and, using the pinkie finger on your right hand, press your left nostril closed while you exhale long and slow through your right nostril.  Repeat this for ten breaths.  I promise that whatever you were concerned about when you started will have fallen away, as you experience a moment of stillness and calm.

Toss Out the Junk. Your surroundings affect you emotionally – cramped spaces evoke emotions that restrict, such as frustration, sadness, and despair.  Creating a simpler, less cluttered environment opens up space where calm, happiness, and optimism thrive.

You need not overhaul your entire home to enjoy the benefits of decluttering – just pick one physical space that causes you to feel restricted when you go there.  Maybe it’s your desktop, the front seat of your car, or your kitchen counter; tackle only what you can complete in an hour.  Remove everything that does not belong there permanently and forever and either toss it, give it away, or store it where it belongs.  Polish up what’s left.  Ahhhh!

Change Your Wardrobe. As seasons shift we typically rotate the seasonal clothing, right?  In spring, sweaters and turtlenecks give way to shorts and t-shirts.  As you rotate clothing, take a second with each item to ask three questions: Did I wear it in the past year?  Does it make me feel beautiful/handsome?  Does it support the Image I want for myself in the world? If the answer to any of these is NO, it’s time to go.  (exception: you can keep one set of rags for painting and digging in the mud.  But just one!).

Now check out your emotional closet.  For each person in your life ask these three questions: Has this relationship supported me in the past year?  When I’m with them, do I feel good about myself?  Does this person inspire me? If the answer to any of these is NO, consider where you can reduce time spent with those who drag you down and spend more time with those who pull you up.  Remember, research proves that the people you hang out with affect your Happiness!

Enjoy Your New Clean Space. Whatever you do – or don’t do – in the way of Spring Cleaning, please don’t forget to enjoy the beauty of the season and of what you’ve created.

Join a good friend for coffee and sit in the sunshine while you chat.  Take in the bright view through your “windows” that are clean of judgments.  Sit quietly in the simplicity of your decluttered space. Pause to breathe in the heady scent of hyacinths in bloom.  Close your eyes and listen to a spring rain (and breathe it in, too!). Applaud your progress as you create a new habit.  Marvel at a hillside of daffodils on the roadside.

Most of all, pay attention to the thousand shades of spring green, and remember that hope and happiness come in a thousand flavors.  All you need is one.

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Happiness Principle # 8 reminds us that when we shift our environment, change becomes easier because we get pulled forward rather than always having to push.  For more ideas on living a happier life, why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here.   Choose Happiness.

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

Ten Grumpy Things to Like About Today

Had a conversation with a client who was feeling a bit down this morning.  OK, a LOT down — the economy’s nasty, his business is down, his wife may lose her job, his car needs new brakes… you get the picture. Grouse, grouse, grouse.  Ick.

When I challenged him to think of 3 positive things about today, he resisted.  From a place as low as he was, he found it tough to think upbeat.  He plowed on, however, and by the end he came up with ten+ things, and we were laughing together.

With his permission, I’m sharing the list.  Keep in mind this comes from a grumpy person <grin>

1. I’m above ground. Ok, I guess that any day I’m still above ground and breathing is a good day.
2. It’s not winter. I was so sick of last winter, you know?
3. It’s another day closer to my vacation. I SO need a vacation.
4. My plants need the rain.
5. Gas is a lot cheaper than same time last year.
6. My Inbox has less than 300 emails in it, which is good for me.
7. FedEx arrived on time this morning. Don’t you love that?!
8. Water’s running from the tap and electricity’s flowing without interruption, and that’s pretty amazing when you think about it.
9. I can go to the grocery store and buy fresh fruit all year round. That’s even more amazing
10. My wife and my dog still love me. Even when everybody else is crabby, my dog’s always in a good mood.
11. I’m healthy. As long as I have that, I’m good.

What’s positive in your life today?

Eight Tips for Holiday Happiness

A recent Saturday Night Live skit revolved around a family of grown siblings gathered for Christmas Dinner.  Their interaction moved from the sharing of warm moments and singing carols to screaming tirades based on sibling “issues” from childhood.

The humor came out of human moments.  How many of us have a similar “love ‘em/can’t stand ‘em” relationship with parts of our family – one that surfaces when we are gathered for a shared meal or exchange of gifts?

The skit struck me as particularly relevant because I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and clients over the past couple weeks: adults in their mid-40’s who can’t seem to escape a relationship pattern that was established when they were teens; concerns over petty rivalries spoiling holiday gatherings; or discussing the dread they feel when they think about the holidays.

Hey, I’ve been there: I’m part of a big family.  On one side, “intimate” gatherings involve 40 people ranging in age from 1 to 73, while on the other side of the family we mix up blended families and second marriages.  Toss in a few crying babies and season with a sullen boyfriend who’s “bad for her,” and we are never at a loss for drama!

Are you one of those hoping to SURVIVE the holidays this year?  Perhaps these will help:

Eight Tips For Holiday Happiness

1.    Take a Breath, On Purpose. Breathing is the – let me repeat that, with more emphasis – THE most powerful tool you possess for helping you respond to stress-inducing situations.  When you take a breath – on purpose – deep into your body, you provide extra fuel to your brain (for quicker thinking), while you create an autonomic relaxation response in your body.  Try it right now (I’ll wait).
Ahhhhh…. Wasn’t that nice?  Now, practice that several times a day, every day, so your body knows how to do that when Uncle Harry reminds you – yet again – that your apricot roll will never be as good as Great-grandma’s <grrrr>.

2.    Step Back. When you find yourself at the edge of your nerves, take a step back.  Literally.  The physical act of pulling your body back helps your emotions also pull back from the edge.  From a calmer emotional space, you can de-escalate the situation.

3.    Keep Your Wits About You. If someone did or said that in the workplace, would you react the same way you do as when your mother does it?  If you’re like most people, you play by a more “professional” set of norms at work.  I suggest that if you bring your Work Wits to a family gathering, you’ll find it easier to respond appropriately, and then move on to the next conversation.

4.    Don’t “Play To Win.” A good conversation is about the exchange of ideas.  If you need to always Be Right – if your goal is to “win points” – you’ll be spending lots of your holiday time trying to convince others to change their “wrong” opinions.  Why?  Unless they live with you every day, who cares?  They’re your relatives, not your competitors on Survivor!

5.    Keep It Light. If you’re like many people, you will spend a good deal of time selecting an outfit to wear to each gathering.  While you’re in the closet, pull down that Smile you keep in a jar on the shelf.  And layer on a pleasant expression, while you’re at it.  If you arrive already tense and grouchy based on what happened last year, you’ll guarantee a tough time.  But show up in your best Smile, ready to laugh at cousin Ron’s (very lame) jokes, and you may just enjoy yourself!

6.    Let It Go. Yes, I know that cousin Judy really ticked you off by scheduling her wedding just two weeks before yours.  But come on – that was 13 years ago!  And are you EVER going to let go of resentment over what your little brother did to you when he was 17 and an idiot – before he got married and got responsible?  Remember that forgiveness is a very powerful emotion; it does not erase the past, but it gives you permission to not let what happened in the past drag you down in the present.  Let it go, and notice how much lighter and happier you feel.

7.    Hang Around With the Little Ones. When you arrive at a family gathering that involves kids, share some of it with them.  Chat with your teen-aged nieces and nephews and listen to their dreams.  Allow yourself to be relaxed and real with a giggly four-year old.  And while other people might engage in the drama, you’ll have a lot more fun laying on the floor and looking at the tree from underneath!

8.    It’s Not About The Gifts. Really.  It’s not.  You know that – I’m not telling you anything new.  I’m just reminding you to tap into the wisdom you already possess.  Focus on relationships and just being together.  Notice your blessings.  Maybe even convince the family to share something they are grateful for before you open all the pretty boxes.  Best Buy’s tagline is “You. Happier.” With all due respect, you can’t buy happiness in a box at an electronics store.

9.    Bonus Tip: Breathe. Yes, this is repeat of Tip #1 — it’s that powerful.  The word Inspiration (to breath in) means literally ‘to infuse with life/breath.’  When you notice something that’s about to suck away some of your happiness, inspire yourself with a gift of calm and extra oxygen.  Plus, there’s a bonus to taking a nice long breath in – you can’t talk!  And if you can’t talk, you make a better listener.  This is a pretty happy place to be!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness provide more ideas for increasing your happiness, especially relevant in a world gone mad.

Why not download and post a 1-page summary of all 13 as a reminder?  You can do so here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm.  Take care of you.

Happiness is Contagious

This just in, from the bespectacled researchers at Harvard: Happiness is contagious.

OK, so we’ve known for a long time that moods and emotions spread to those around us.  What’s different about this study is that the researchers have been able to quantify the impact. And it’s not just about who you talk with daily. Neighbors whom you only see occasionally can impact your happiness. And happy people like to cluster: people on Facebook with smiling photos are more likely to be friends with other smilers. Interesting!

Read the full article here: Happiness is Contagious in Social Networks

and see the accompanying video clip from CNN here:

What’s the bottom line? If you hang around with happy people, you’ll feel (15%!) happier. If you are happy, others are more likely to want to hang around with you.

Cool!

Happy Thanksgiving – Inventory Your Wealth

Happy Thanksgiving!

As The Executive Happiness Coach^® I especially love any holiday that carries a greeting of HAPPY in front of it.

You know, many people say that Happiness is the “ultimate currency.” So when we wish each other a “Happy Anything” we are, in a way, wishing for them a life that is wealthy on many levels.

In this time of crisis in which, uncertainty, worry, and fear seem everywhere, give yourself also the gift of hope. Eventually the crisis will pass, the transition will be history, the recession will fade to memory. My wish for you is that you take time during this 2008 Thanksgiving holiday, to inventory the wealth you possess that is independent of money:

Your Relationships
List the people who love you, and whom you love

Your Wisdom
Think about how much you know, and recognize what an asset you are

Your Communities
Write down all the groups of which you are a member – work, family, faith, civic, and even virtual/online

Your Faith
Consider the beliefs you hold; the things you believe in even if you cannot “prove” them

Your Health
Take a deep, deep breath and consider how fabulous it is to be alive (aches and pains and all!)

Your future
Regardless what’s happened till now, the rest of your life is yet unwritten, and you can change the story if you want to

Make time to express gratitude, on purpose. It’s good for you! Gratitude is one of a handful of emotions which create as much good feeling in the Giver as in the Receiver. So remember that when you say, “thanks!” you’re filling up someone else’s tank… as well as your own!

So HAPPY Thanksgiving. I am grateful that you are in my world – as a reader, as a client, as a colleague, as a friend, as a fellow traveler on Spaceship Earth.

In happiness, J

Tiny Tips to increase Happiness

I was delivering a talk on Happiness.  When I asked people to consider, “what gets in the way of your happiness?” one man said, “Time.  I am so stressed and have so much to do, I don’t have time to do any of the stuff that makes me happy.”

OK, so let’s establish something: Happiness is not something you do, it’s something you are.  It’s not stuff, it’s how you feel after you do that “stuff.”  It’s something you carry inside of you.  It’s a feeling you can nurture and strengthen through practice.

And if time is an issue, here’s the good news: frequency (of practice) beats duration every time.  Let me explain.  Do you remember when you learned to type in high school?  Your teacher told you to practice 30 minutes daily.    Yikes!  Who has time?  Still, at the end of the semester here’s what happened.  The people who practiced every day typed faster and better than those who crammed in their practice on Sunday nights, even if they only did five minutes each day to the crammers’ several hours.

“What might help you, sir,” I suggested, “are what I call micro-practices; little practices that take just a few seconds each time and which can, literally, recalibrate your whole system when done regularly for 30 days (or forever, for that matter!).

Breathe into your deep belly.  Whenever you have a moment between meetings, sitting at a traffic light, shifting from one task to another, take 15 seconds (you can spare that!) to take two deep breaths, in through your nose and out thru your nose.  Notice how your body moves to calmer.

Express gratitude. Look people in the eye and say ‘Thank You.’  Keep a list of good things that happen around you during the day.

Appreciate what you did. Whenever you finish something — a phone call, a transaction on your desk, a batch of mail, a project, or a conversation — pause before you move on.  Take five seconds to give yourself credit for what you just accomplished, and notice that tiny piece of good feeling you hold around getting that thing done.  Let it soak in.  Then move on.

Offer praise. Compliment someone else on a job well done, or when they do you a favor.  The time you take to “fuel their tank” will also cause you to feel better about yourself.

Smile when you walk.  When ever you go from one place to another at work, put on an intentional smile.  Even if it’s fake, wear it for your walk.  Notice how your spirits lift as you go from one place to another.  (you might also notice a lot more people smiling back at you, which will feed a little positive emotion into your tank!)

Pay attention to how your “happiness” muscles get stronger when you use them a little bit.. little bit… little bit… every single day.