Let Go of Your Stress this Holiday!

For two years I’ve been talking about diving in to video.  Many of you have asked for it. I finally made a public commitment (gulp!) in October to make and post a video on my website by year end.  Then, having accepted that my PC was inadequate for video work, I leaped into the Mac world.

What you’re about to see was filmed on my iPhone 3G, edited in iMovie on my brand new iMac computer, and tested on my iPad.

TIPS FOR A LESS-STRESS HOLIDAY

Click on the image to view the newsletter on YouTube, or just follow this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSwTTSiS8_I

P.S. I invite you to let go of your inner editor. Yes, I know that this video is “too long,” it has episodes of poor lighting, and some of the edits are choppy.  On the other hand, it is DONE, and for a first-ever video clip, I’m pretty happy with it.  Please, enjoy!

NINE STRATEGIES TO AVOID HAPPINESS

Nine Strategies to Avoid Happiness: How to Live as a Victim and Still Control the World!

1.     Take Everything and Everyone for Granted. After all, it’s their job to take care of you, right?  Practice rudeness, then sneer at the ones who can’t handle it.  On those rare occasions when someone meets your impossibly high expectations, be sure to point out something that wasn’t perfect, even if you have to make it up.
What to Avoid: Never say “Thank You” or express Appreciation for anything.  Gratitude totally kills the buzz of a bad mood.

2.    Cultivate Pessimism. The world is a dark and dangerous place; make it your mission to remind people of that.  No matter what anyone suggests, frown and say, “That will never work!”  Scan the global weather channel daily so when people say “good morning” to you, you can remind them of a recent earthquake, typhoon, fire, or flood.
Exercise: Practice slumping, frowning, and rolling your eyes to deepen your skill.

3.    Use Social Comparison as a Weapon. When you notice any positive self-talk happening, immediately think of someone who is smarter, prettier, or more skilled than you – that will tamp down Self-Confidence before it gets out of control.  When a coworker receives recognition for their work, ice that down quickly by pointing out, “I’ve seen better.”
Child-rearing Tip: when your child brings home an essay or artwork, put on a Sad face and say, “too bad you’re not talented like <insert name of a friend> is.”

4.    Never Give Anyone a Break. Make ‘No’ your favorite word.  Never give of yourself, and for heaven’s sake avoid volunteerism.  Performing Acts of Kindness releases serotonin in your brain, which makes you feel better – and that’s the last thing you want!
Bonus Tip: Being mean to someone in public carries causes most bystanders to feel a little Depressed or Angry all day.  Double your impact!

5.    Push Other People Away. Isn’t it annoying when your family and friends try to “take care of you?”  Stay strong!  Keep declining invitations until they stop coming; then complain about Abandonment.  If you must attend, sit in a corner and whine about something irrelevant.
Special note about pets: Avoid warm-blooded pets, which tend to form icky Emotional bonds.  If you must have a pet, get a lizard, fish, or something with a reptile brain – there’s no risk they will ever care about you!

6.    Reject Simplicity. CNN apparently thinks you can handle three to six simultaneous streaming data feeds, so stay connected to The Grid at all times.  Respond to every email or call immediately (your global clients will be impressed when you respond at 4AM your time).
Special note: When you slow down and allow yourself to enjoy just one thing in the present moment, you risk allowing Happiness and Joy to take root.  So keep it complex!

7.    Avoid Commitment. According to Barry Schwartz’s work on the Paradox of Choice, having more options does not make us happier; in fact, we get more stressed.  So keep your options wide open!  Shun goal-writing exercises, as those create undesirable consequences like greater focus and discovery of your life purpose.  Live randomly and put off decisions until you have 100% of all data (which of course will be…never).
Bonus: Lacking a strong foundation, you need never Respond rationally to anything; instead, you will strengthen your Anxiety muscles and get really good at living in React mode.

8.    Sit Down! Did you know that studies of clinically Depressed people prove consistent exercise raises Happiness levels as much as Zoloft?  This is why you must guard against Wellness (a thinly disguised conspiracy to control your life).  Skip all health seminars, and when they start distributing salads and pedometers in the company cafeteria, drive to lunch at McDonalds.  Look, if your Physical energy improves through better Self-Care, it will naturally pull up your Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual energies, and you can’t let that happen!
Caution: If you accept even a tiny responsibility for personal Well-Being, it’s a slippery slope.  Soon you’ll be expected to manage your own Happiness, too, and how unfair is that?!

9.    Nurture Resentment. Never let go of anything.  Remember, Forgiveness is for weaklings.  It takes a determined person (like you) to hold on to all those old slights – real and imagined — and still endure the new crap that’s getting dumped on you.
Take it a level deeper: Plan regular time to Obsess about someone who wronged you in the past.  Daily attention ensures your negative emotions remain at a constant simmer, burning away your immune system.  You’ll get sick more often, of course, which will give you lots of opportunity to Hate those people who did this to you!

Remember, Practice builds stronger muscles.  Exercise at least one of these nine daily, and soon you’ll find yourself snugly tucked away at the bottom of the Deep Dark Pit of Despair, finally safe from all those nasty “happy” people who, by the way, are totally out of touch with the way the world really works.

But you know the Truth, don’t you?  BWAHAHAHA!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness offers the opposite of what you want.  DO NOT VISIT http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm to download them.  If you practice any of those 13 habits, you’ll never achieve your goal of UNhappiness.

14 Life Lessons from a Trip to Italy

In May I spent 10 days in Italy with my wife, daughter, son-in-law, and eight-month-old grandson. While we did some touristy things (e.g. you simply cannot visit Florence and NOT see the David!), we also immersed ourselves in the culture.

We never set foot in a hotel or gift shop. Instead, we slept in residential neighborhoods in old convent rooms now run as B&Bs by the nuns, or in an apartment within a medieval-era walled city with a commanding view of olive orchards and vineyards.

Immersion in a foreign culture refreshes the way I view the world. First, the “different-ness” of life in another country or region opens up new awareness; then, my newly expanded lens causes me to review habits and beliefs that were previously “invisible” to me.

Through the lens of learning, I share with you my most powerful life lessons from Italy:

1. Just because you don’t know where you are does not mean you are lost. We circled parts of Umbria and Florence for hours, unable to make sense of the serpentine, one-way roads…and we had a blast!
   Just like in real life, the pleasure’s as much in the journey as the destination.
2. You can be way off track and still maintain balance. I’m a vegetarian who manages my diet to minimize starches and fat.  Not in Italy!  There I consumed huge amounts of pasta, gelato and vino every day, and LOVED it!
   There’s nothing wrong with letting the pendulum swing far in one direction, as long as you ride the swing back in the other direction to keep yourself centered.  To balance our doubling of food, we walked EVERYWHERE!
3. Don’t underestimate the common and familiar. At first, we resisted the vino della casa (the house wine), thinking it was the “cheap stuff.”  We learned that in Italy the house wine (typically ~€3/liter, about $4.50US) was inexpensive because it was made just a few kilometers down the road – and it was always fantastico!.
   Take a fresh look at what is right under your nose and you may be pleasantly surprised. I’m now paying more attention to the Locavore movement, which is all about reconnecting with the great quality of foods and opportunities nearby.
4. Happiness is all around, but there’s not always a Sign. One of my two vices is great coffee, and I was told that “espresso bars are everywhere” in Italy.  I was frustrated until I learned that the bars are typically tiny and, since the locals already know where they are, poorly marked.  Once I had clues, I could find a shot of espresso within minutes.
   Happiness is like that – if you don’t know what you seek, it’s impossible to find.  Seek clarity, and you’ll soon realize it’s right in front of you.
5. Do your inner work, first. Americans are often concerned about the view OF their house, e.g. how others see their house/lawn/gardens from the street.  In Italy, gardens are maintained in hidden courtyards, so the focus is on the view FROM the house.
   When you work on how YOU see the world, you will create more positive change than when you spend all your time worrying about your “image” with others.
6. We build on other’s successes. While we think we are special and so advanced, we are not the first generation to achieve huge innovation and create great works – ancient Rome proves that point. If not for the accomplishments and creativity of those who went long before us, what we have today would not and could not be.
   We have a responsibility to understand history and use it in two ways: as a jumping off point to build a better future AND for lessons on what NOT to repeat!
7. When you move all day, many small steps add up. Our busiest walking day (nearly 20km/12mi!) covered ancient Rome’s central city: the Forum, Palatine Hill, and the Coliseum.  Yet because we stopped for a picnic lunch in the emperor’s throne room and a nap in the palace gardens, we survived the day.
   As the saying goes, “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time;” any big undertaking becomes easier when tackled just one step at a time.
8. Happiness is in the small things and the quiet moments. One of my fondest memories will be of the supreme calm I’d experience each time I stepped off the crowded, frantic streets of Florence and into the dark, cool quiet of the convent lobby.
   Take a moment to breathe.
9. There are friendly people everywhere. We got lost.  We feared pickpockets. We sat down in restaurants where nothing was in English.  We learned that no matter the situation, per favore and grazie (please and thank you) brought out the best in others.
   In life, we often assume that we’re on our own because we buy the “story” that the world is an uncaring and dangerous place. That’s an image created by the media to sell newspapers, cable news, and reality shows.  In the Real World, 98% of the people you ask will return a smile with a smile, and help you on your way.
10. Once you let go of control, it’s easier to enjoy the ride. Italians pay scant attention to breakfast, start dinner “too late, and drive like lunatics on impossibly narrow roads, right?  Well, it took a few days for us to understand, but once we let go of our American “filters” and embraced a different set of rules, we had a better time, and created great stories to tell.
    Let go of your “shoulds” and instead be curious about what is.
11. Don’t sleep with the windows open unless you pull down the screens. Don’t get mad at the mosquitoes – it’s not their fault you forgot!
12. Although it is hard work to climb up hill, the spectacular views from the top make it all worthwhile.
13. Anything that seems strange at first can feel perfectly normal after a week. Exhibit A: pumpkin, sardines, and octopus on a pizza (it was pretty tasty!)
14. There’s no place like home. No matter how delightful the trip, there’s nothing quite as lovely as a good night’s sleep in your own bed!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness offer even more life lessons.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

Don’t be a Workplace Crab!

For part 1 of this post, see: Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

Crabs in the workplace are sometimes harder to avoid than personal connections. At home, you can ignore the phone, or say No to invitations.  But at work, they sit right next to you, or you have to work with them every day!  No matter the place, crabs will always seek to pull you down to the bottom of the bucket where they live.  Beware!

Who are the workplace crabs?  Here are some ways to spot them in the wild:

• They often call themselves “realists**” but then spend all their time whining about… well, much of everything.
• They are often unwilling or unable to do the work required to get to the next level, but will blame others at every turn for denying them the opportunity.
• They don’t like to see others succeed, and will often create or support gossip that implies success was unearned.
• They often mock those who take risks, creating discomfort for those who stretch and take on extra assignments or apply for promotional opportunities.
• They studiously avoid change, even when that change will benefit them.
  And please know that I acknowledge change can be very uncomfortable.  However, it’s one thing to avoid it yourself – that’s your own issue.  Crabs are those who try to guilt others into joining them in non-compliance or resistance.

** Note: I make a distinction between Optimists (those who look for the good and *usually* expect things to go well), and Pessimists (those who look for the worst and *usually* expect things to go wrong).  Realists, as far as I’m concerned, will hold a balanced point of view, for in reality some things go well and some things don’t.  When someone says they’re a Realist but then acts like a Pessimist, then I say: “If it quacks like a duck….”

An effective leader does not behave like a crab, at any time and in any venue. Moreover, most good leaders have little tolerance for crabs, as they have a toxic effect on the workplace team.  Still, crabs exist, for they often do their work under the sand, where they are not visible but they still undermine morale in the workplace.

ACTION ITEM: Pay attention to your language: How do you speak in the workplace?  Do you blame others for your troubles?  Do you refuse to try anything new?  Do you mock people who are willing to step up and try something new, or take on a new challenge?  Be careful… you may be a crab!

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who seeks to lift others up, not drag them down!

Don’t Let the Crabs Pull You Down!

A most fascinating thing occurred during a keynote talk last week, which inspired this month’s newsletter topic.

My subject was Happiness (of course!) and during my talk I was marginally aware of the fact that a woman at the table just to my right – and in the front row – kept muttering and making a gagging noise during the talk. She was being “just” loud enough to carry across the table to her coworkers, but not so loud that the company president – who sat on the other side of the room – could hear.  Since I’m used to speaking while people are eating or dishes are being cleared, her behavior did not affect me; I was simply aware it was going on.

Near the end of the talk I had everyone in the room stand up for a quick mind-body exercise.  I’ve done this hundreds of times, and it’s a lot of fun. The “gagger” – as I’d now named her in my head – created a tiny “scene” at her table when she refused to stand or participate.  Again, I’ve had that happen before.  But what happened next was what fascinated me.

As I continued my talk, I stood up on a chair, so the drama at the front table unfolded right in front of me. First, the gagger, who was nearly purple in her face (Anger? Embarrassment?) nearly crawled up the arm of the woman next to her until she convinced her to sit back down.  Then she did the same with the woman on her left.  So now, as the activity commenced, there were three sitting and five standing at the table.

I focused on the larger audience, so I don’t know exactly what happened during the exercise.  But as I finished and looked to my right, two more people had been convinced to sit down, one remained standing but looking intensely uncomfortable… and the other two who were standing had moved several paces away from the table and were focused on me.

After the talk, many people came up to apologize for what happened.  I just chuckled and reminded them of a two key points from the talk: one, you can’t change other people, only yourself; and two, happiness is a decision. And clearly, that is a decision the gagger is not ready to make!

Like Crabs in a Bucket

Every summer when we go to the beach, we go crabbing at least once on the marsh side of the island, armed with string and some bait.  As we net our catch, we toss them into a bucket.  Once we catch a dozen or more crabs, they create enough mass in the bottom that any one of them could easily climb out on the backs of their fellow crabs.

But we’ve never had a crab escape.  Why?  Because every time a crab reaches to grab the rim of the bucket and achieve freedom, all the other crabs swarm that one and haul it back down. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, if I’m stuck here, I’m gonna make sure you’re stuck, too!”

After awhile, even the most ambitious crabs stop trying and lay down with the others.  They all die together.

How Do You Recognize a Crab in Your World?

Crabs usually reveal themselves through their language. Sometimes their actions are physical (like the crabs in the bucket) but most often they are more subtle, pulling you or others down with the weight of words:

You’ll never get into that school.
Forget it; you don’t have that much talent.
You could never do that.
No one will want to hire you!
They won’t listen to you.  They won’t give you a chance.
Why even bother? The system is fixed anyway.
That’s so stupid/they’re idiots.
There’s no way you can afford that.
Who do you think you are anyway?  So, you think you’re better than us?
You’re not smart enough.
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re not skinny enough.
You’re not good enough.

None of these statements have truth – they are just assessments someone else is using on you.  Crabs, remember, cannot tolerate having others move up in the world… so they do what they can to keep you down in the muck where they live.

The real sadness is when you hear something so often that you start to believe it is true. It is not true, but it will become true if you let the crabs pull you down!

6 Tips for Dealing with Crabs In Your Life

1. Don’t listen to the crabs. You might hear them out, but don’t let what they say become your Truth.
2. Look for another point of view. When a crab speaks of your situation or the world in only negative, hopeless terms, remember that there are ALWAYS multiple, equally valid perspectives, and you get to choose one for yourself.  Example: when a crab grouses about every grey day, you can remind yourself that clouds carry water, and water is life!
3. Deny their self-appointed Superpowers. When a crab makes a statement that implies they know what “everyone thinks,” or what others feel, say to yourself: “No, actually — you don’t know!”
4. Turn it around. For every Yin there is a Yang, and one way to manage a crab is to turn around their statement and make it about them (well, at least in your head – you don’t need to create an argument, you only need to resist letting what they say pull you down).
5. Yes, And… what they say.  You let the crab “be right” in what they say, then build on it in a different direction.  If they say, “you’ll never get that job” then say, “maybe so, and I know the right job is still waiting for me.”
6. Practice confidence and stability.  It’s a lot easier for a crab to impact someone who’s already fearful and worried.  That’s why it’s super important to practice being in a confident, positive emotional space.  Stand tall with your shoulders back, ground your feet, and breathe deeply.  When you practice that daily, you’ll feel more solid and you’ll be less susceptible to the influence of crabs.

When you regularly practice any/all of the above you may find that, after awhile, the crabs stop bothering you because they no longer get a reaction!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness, when practiced regularly, can inoculate you against the power of crabs.  Visit http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm, to download a colorful 1-page PDF Poster.  Post it on your workplace wall or your fridge at home, and try to live principle each day!

It’s Time for Spring Cleaning!

Ah, Spring!  The days are longer.  The sun shines brighter.

Oh, and as it shines in and brightens my home, I’m suddenly aware of a winter’s worth of dirt on the windows, dark paths on the carpeting from tracked-in winter slush, and cobwebs in the dim recesses that were invisible in the grey light of winter.

Hey, it’s time for Spring Cleaning.  Let’s bring in some fresh air and bright sunshine while we get rid of the crud that’s accumulated over the past year.

Here are some ideas to clean up your physical and emotional houses this month.

Spring Cleaning Tips

Wash the Windows. Windows don’t get dirty overnight.  But over months and years the drips and streaks build up a little at a time until even a sunny day looks drab and colorless.  So it is with our emotional lives.  We build up judgments and beliefs ever so slowly, and then one day we wake up and think, “When did the world turn so negative?”  To reveal what is truly happening in the world, we need to occasionally clear the film we’ve allowed to accumulate.

So in your house, use your favorite window cleaner and a dry rag.  In your head and heart try scraping away a few assessments that are no longer serving you.  Wipe away any opinion you hold that includes NEVER or ALWAYS, conditions that cloud judgment.  For example, is your sister/neighbor/coworker/boss ALWAYS that way, or is it that your “filters” only let through the evidence that supports your expectation?  Clean windows let you see what’s really happening and give you a brighter experience.

Clear the Cobwebs. Spiders weave their webs and then move on to new locations.  A dust mop or a rag on a stick will clear away the dusty old webs that got left behind.

Old stories are the cobwebs of the mind.  What’s gathering dust in your head?  Do you hear, “I can’t …” or “I don’t deserve…” or “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” If the story ain’t workin’ for you, try poking it with a stick and then spin a new story in its place, like, “I’m enough,” “I can…,” and “I deserve to be happy!”

Shampoo the Rug, Move Some Furniture. Rug trails come from people walking the same path over and again.  In a similar way, things you do over and again form deep neural pathways until they become what we call Habits.

To unmark the path, clean the carpet.  Then rearrange one or two pieces of furniture to shift traffic patterns to a new location (this really works!)

To create new Habits, follow a similar process.  First, observe your old pattern of reaction.  What one small shift will support a new or modified habit?  For example, if you can’t seem to get to the gym after work, consider shifting bedtime and then get up earlier to fit in your fitness before work.  Repeat the new pattern until you form new pathways that work better for you.

Change the Air. One of my favorite ways to refresh the house is to open all the windows and turn the furnace to Fan mode.  In a couple hours the air is completely turned over and all the accumulated odors of winter have disappeared.

Fresh air is a great tool to improve your mood, as well.  Try this simple exercise from the yoga world:  Sit quietly.  Using the thumb of your right hand, gently press your right nostril closed and take a long, slow breath in through your left nostril.  Now shift your hand and, using the pinkie finger on your right hand, press your left nostril closed while you exhale long and slow through your right nostril.  Repeat this for ten breaths.  I promise that whatever you were concerned about when you started will have fallen away, as you experience a moment of stillness and calm.

Toss Out the Junk. Your surroundings affect you emotionally – cramped spaces evoke emotions that restrict, such as frustration, sadness, and despair.  Creating a simpler, less cluttered environment opens up space where calm, happiness, and optimism thrive.

You need not overhaul your entire home to enjoy the benefits of decluttering – just pick one physical space that causes you to feel restricted when you go there.  Maybe it’s your desktop, the front seat of your car, or your kitchen counter; tackle only what you can complete in an hour.  Remove everything that does not belong there permanently and forever and either toss it, give it away, or store it where it belongs.  Polish up what’s left.  Ahhhh!

Change Your Wardrobe. As seasons shift we typically rotate the seasonal clothing, right?  In spring, sweaters and turtlenecks give way to shorts and t-shirts.  As you rotate clothing, take a second with each item to ask three questions: Did I wear it in the past year?  Does it make me feel beautiful/handsome?  Does it support the Image I want for myself in the world? If the answer to any of these is NO, it’s time to go.  (exception: you can keep one set of rags for painting and digging in the mud.  But just one!).

Now check out your emotional closet.  For each person in your life ask these three questions: Has this relationship supported me in the past year?  When I’m with them, do I feel good about myself?  Does this person inspire me? If the answer to any of these is NO, consider where you can reduce time spent with those who drag you down and spend more time with those who pull you up.  Remember, research proves that the people you hang out with affect your Happiness!

Enjoy Your New Clean Space. Whatever you do – or don’t do – in the way of Spring Cleaning, please don’t forget to enjoy the beauty of the season and of what you’ve created.

Join a good friend for coffee and sit in the sunshine while you chat.  Take in the bright view through your “windows” that are clean of judgments.  Sit quietly in the simplicity of your decluttered space. Pause to breathe in the heady scent of hyacinths in bloom.  Close your eyes and listen to a spring rain (and breathe it in, too!). Applaud your progress as you create a new habit.  Marvel at a hillside of daffodils on the roadside.

Most of all, pay attention to the thousand shades of spring green, and remember that hope and happiness come in a thousand flavors.  All you need is one.

~~~~~~~~~~

Happiness Principle # 8 reminds us that when we shift our environment, change becomes easier because we get pulled forward rather than always having to push.  For more ideas on living a happier life, why not post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or on your refrigerator?  You can download a 1-page summary here.   Choose Happiness.

Let Music Shift Your Mood

I didn’t feel very well (physically) over the weekend, and slept really poorly. I woke up Monday morning with the alarm, feeling VERY sleep deprived and nauseous. I made the decision to take care of me, and slept in until 8:30. FINALLY caught up on sleep. Showed up at the gym at time I’m usually leaving, and still gave myself an hour, including a great yoga workout. Ahhh!

So, I arrived at my desk starting to feel rested and human again, but… but then realized that my self-care had put me several hours behind on my plans for the day. As I started to dig into my goals for the day, I felt my mood slipping into darkness.

“Wait a minute! I thought. “what about all that crap you spout about ‘choosing your attitude,’ Jim?!” Hmm. Just thinking about it was not enough, however. I needed something more than sheer force of will to help me shift my mood.

So I opened up iTunes, clicked on my High Energy playlist, and chose Randomize. The first three songs to pop up:

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream. Not a bad start. I felt inspired.

Next up was Adam Lambert’s wickedly delicious I’m Here For Your Entertainment. For all the controversy over his TV appearance, this is a fabulously upbeat song with a great beat. And I’ve found that if you let go of finding sexual overtones in the words, it can also be a great song about coaching, as in the refrain:

No escaping when I start
Once I’m in I own your heart
There’s no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it’s over
Oh!
Do you know what you got into
Can you handle what I’m ’bout to do
‘Cause it’s about to get rough for you
I’m here For Your Entertainment
Oh!
I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I’m about to turn up the heat
I’m here For Your Entertainment

Can you see the coaching link? Well, maybe not the entertainment part so much, but more the ‘hold on’ and ‘it’s about to get rough for you.’  I tell clients up front that there will be moments of discomfort. And it is a coach’s job is to turn up the heat sometimes, yes?! <grin>

Then up came Brian Eno & John Cale singing Spinning Away, that lovely upbeat tune that I downloaded on the recommendation of a friend (at this point that I felt gratitude).  That was it. I simply HAD to get up and dance around my office!

Then, best of all, the Andrews Sisters’ high-flyin’ rendition of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Woohoo! When I hear this song, my feet actually move themselves!

Mood shift accomplished. Here’s to the power of music.

Next time you’re stuck in a mood that’s not working for you, try listening to some music that you love… and notice what happens!

Do you want to stop struggling with self acceptance?

Last Sunday was Valentine’s Day, when we turn our thoughts to the important Others in our life, the people we love. Clearly, it’s important to acknowledge the loves in your life, but… what about you?

I coach many different people, yet see a very common human concern show up often: a struggle with self-acceptance and self-love.

We know ourselves better than anyone in the world… and darn it if we don’t notice every single wart and flaw and imperfection. I find it almost universally true that there’s no one who can beat you up quite as thoroughly as…You.

I’d love to see a holiday that’s about self-acceptance and self-appreciation. Until that day comes, I offer the following to help you practice some powerful self-love.

Eleven Tips for Loving You

1. Identify, Acknowledge, and Appreciate Your Strengths & Gifts. WRITE DOWN a list of your positive attributes. What do you do well? What do others compliment you for? Are you thoughtful? Creative? Always there to help? A good cook? Analytical? Playful? Detail-focused? Flexible? A great planner? Putting it on paper makes it more real. Review that list on a regular basis to appreciate all that you are and all that you offer.
2. Embrace Your Imperfection. Love your quirks. Let yourself laugh at your mistakes–they are part of your continual learning. Remember that you are a Human Being, and as such you are always a work in process. Frankly, if you were Perfect you’d be boring.
3. Be a Good Steward of You. Take care of what you’ve been entrusted. Put good food into your body, and move it regularly to keep it healthy. Feed your mind to keep it sharp. Seek out and associate with positive people to help your emotional self grow and expand. Seek to maximize what you have.
4. Treat You As Well As You Treat Others. Would you ever speak like that to your friend, child, etc. Why say that stuff to yourself? Notice and shift your self-talk to provide a good balance of compliments (you rock!) with critical (need to work on that!).
5. Connect to Community. We are most human when we are in relationships with others. List all your connections: friends, family, coworkers, church/temple, professional circles, neighbors, etc. Every day, reach out and have a conversation in which you connect to someone.
6. Feed Your Soul. We cannot manage time; we can only manage how we use it. Give priority each week to at least one activity that nurtures you and fills you up. If it’s alone time you need, figure out how to turn off your mobile devices or have someone else take the kids. If it’s connection time you need, make sure you leave space for some face-to-face time.
7. Forgive You. Ok, so you’ve screwed up some stuff. Accept it, figure out what you learned (it’s called Wisdom) and then…let it go. When you forgive you don’t forget, but you DO say, “I’m not going to keep living this over and over in my head.”
8. Give Yourself Permission… to love you. You are SO worthy of love. If you don’t believe me, then please re-read the fabulous, famous, and inspiring passage from Marianne Williamson, below.**
9. Let Other People Love You. For some people it is easier to give love and affection than to receive it. Notice when people are offering you respect, connection, and affection… and take a moment to just breathe it in and accept it graciously. When you let others love you, you are honoring both you and them.
10. Say It Out Loud. Stand in front of a mirror, and notice the beautiful person smiling back at you. Say, “I Love You,” out loud. Say, “You’re fantastic! You rock!” Note: if your self-love muscle is atrophied, you may have to move up to this gradually. If you need to, start with “I like you” and skip the mirror. Work your way up from there. Repeat daily until it feels natural, and notice how your world shifts.
11. Get Yourself a Coach. Any or all of the above will be much easier if you enlist someone to support you and provide encouragement–a friend, partner, or coworker (or even a professional coach!)

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The 13 Principles of Happiness are all about Loving Yourself! Why not download & post a copy of the original 13 Principles on your workstation wall or your refrigerator?

Choose Happiness.  Love You.

Ten Grumpy Things to Like About Today

Had a conversation with a client who was feeling a bit down this morning.  OK, a LOT down — the economy’s nasty, his business is down, his wife may lose her job, his car needs new brakes… you get the picture. Grouse, grouse, grouse.  Ick.

When I challenged him to think of 3 positive things about today, he resisted.  From a place as low as he was, he found it tough to think upbeat.  He plowed on, however, and by the end he came up with ten+ things, and we were laughing together.

With his permission, I’m sharing the list.  Keep in mind this comes from a grumpy person <grin>

1. I’m above ground. Ok, I guess that any day I’m still above ground and breathing is a good day.
2. It’s not winter. I was so sick of last winter, you know?
3. It’s another day closer to my vacation. I SO need a vacation.
4. My plants need the rain.
5. Gas is a lot cheaper than same time last year.
6. My Inbox has less than 300 emails in it, which is good for me.
7. FedEx arrived on time this morning. Don’t you love that?!
8. Water’s running from the tap and electricity’s flowing without interruption, and that’s pretty amazing when you think about it.
9. I can go to the grocery store and buy fresh fruit all year round. That’s even more amazing
10. My wife and my dog still love me. Even when everybody else is crabby, my dog’s always in a good mood.
11. I’m healthy. As long as I have that, I’m good.

What’s positive in your life today?

Eight Tips for Holiday Happiness

A recent Saturday Night Live skit revolved around a family of grown siblings gathered for Christmas Dinner.  Their interaction moved from the sharing of warm moments and singing carols to screaming tirades based on sibling “issues” from childhood.

The humor came out of human moments.  How many of us have a similar “love ‘em/can’t stand ‘em” relationship with parts of our family – one that surfaces when we are gathered for a shared meal or exchange of gifts?

The skit struck me as particularly relevant because I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and clients over the past couple weeks: adults in their mid-40’s who can’t seem to escape a relationship pattern that was established when they were teens; concerns over petty rivalries spoiling holiday gatherings; or discussing the dread they feel when they think about the holidays.

Hey, I’ve been there: I’m part of a big family.  On one side, “intimate” gatherings involve 40 people ranging in age from 1 to 73, while on the other side of the family we mix up blended families and second marriages.  Toss in a few crying babies and season with a sullen boyfriend who’s “bad for her,” and we are never at a loss for drama!

Are you one of those hoping to SURVIVE the holidays this year?  Perhaps these will help:

Eight Tips For Holiday Happiness

1.    Take a Breath, On Purpose. Breathing is the – let me repeat that, with more emphasis – THE most powerful tool you possess for helping you respond to stress-inducing situations.  When you take a breath – on purpose – deep into your body, you provide extra fuel to your brain (for quicker thinking), while you create an autonomic relaxation response in your body.  Try it right now (I’ll wait).
Ahhhhh…. Wasn’t that nice?  Now, practice that several times a day, every day, so your body knows how to do that when Uncle Harry reminds you – yet again – that your apricot roll will never be as good as Great-grandma’s <grrrr>.

2.    Step Back. When you find yourself at the edge of your nerves, take a step back.  Literally.  The physical act of pulling your body back helps your emotions also pull back from the edge.  From a calmer emotional space, you can de-escalate the situation.

3.    Keep Your Wits About You. If someone did or said that in the workplace, would you react the same way you do as when your mother does it?  If you’re like most people, you play by a more “professional” set of norms at work.  I suggest that if you bring your Work Wits to a family gathering, you’ll find it easier to respond appropriately, and then move on to the next conversation.

4.    Don’t “Play To Win.” A good conversation is about the exchange of ideas.  If you need to always Be Right – if your goal is to “win points” – you’ll be spending lots of your holiday time trying to convince others to change their “wrong” opinions.  Why?  Unless they live with you every day, who cares?  They’re your relatives, not your competitors on Survivor!

5.    Keep It Light. If you’re like many people, you will spend a good deal of time selecting an outfit to wear to each gathering.  While you’re in the closet, pull down that Smile you keep in a jar on the shelf.  And layer on a pleasant expression, while you’re at it.  If you arrive already tense and grouchy based on what happened last year, you’ll guarantee a tough time.  But show up in your best Smile, ready to laugh at cousin Ron’s (very lame) jokes, and you may just enjoy yourself!

6.    Let It Go. Yes, I know that cousin Judy really ticked you off by scheduling her wedding just two weeks before yours.  But come on – that was 13 years ago!  And are you EVER going to let go of resentment over what your little brother did to you when he was 17 and an idiot – before he got married and got responsible?  Remember that forgiveness is a very powerful emotion; it does not erase the past, but it gives you permission to not let what happened in the past drag you down in the present.  Let it go, and notice how much lighter and happier you feel.

7.    Hang Around With the Little Ones. When you arrive at a family gathering that involves kids, share some of it with them.  Chat with your teen-aged nieces and nephews and listen to their dreams.  Allow yourself to be relaxed and real with a giggly four-year old.  And while other people might engage in the drama, you’ll have a lot more fun laying on the floor and looking at the tree from underneath!

8.    It’s Not About The Gifts. Really.  It’s not.  You know that – I’m not telling you anything new.  I’m just reminding you to tap into the wisdom you already possess.  Focus on relationships and just being together.  Notice your blessings.  Maybe even convince the family to share something they are grateful for before you open all the pretty boxes.  Best Buy’s tagline is “You. Happier.” With all due respect, you can’t buy happiness in a box at an electronics store.

9.    Bonus Tip: Breathe. Yes, this is repeat of Tip #1 — it’s that powerful.  The word Inspiration (to breath in) means literally ‘to infuse with life/breath.’  When you notice something that’s about to suck away some of your happiness, inspire yourself with a gift of calm and extra oxygen.  Plus, there’s a bonus to taking a nice long breath in – you can’t talk!  And if you can’t talk, you make a better listener.  This is a pretty happy place to be!

~~~~~~~~~~

The 13 Principles of Happiness provide more ideas for increasing your happiness, especially relevant in a world gone mad.

Why not download and post a 1-page summary of all 13 as a reminder?  You can do so here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm.  Take care of you.

Next Page »