Do You Truly Value Happiness?

Sigh.  I just deleted from my mailbox YET ANOTHER newsletter that promised insights or wisdom about Happiness, yet turned out to be hawking STUFF.  I sometimes feel frustrated that so many marketers — on TV, in print, and on the Internet — hijack the concept of happiness.  Because that’s been happening so much, we’ve gotten to point as a society where we no longer value happiness for… itself.  Seems it always has to be attached to something — an outcome, a promotion, a product, or a ’system.’

The other night I counted commercials across two hours of television, and nearly a third of them directly referenced happiness or being happy (products ranged from Wal-mart & cars to flowers & erectile dysfunction meds).  Even some of the teachers I’ve followed and learned from over the years seem to be abandoning the pursuit of happiness as noble, and are replacing that with a sales pitch.

Am I just naive?  Is it silly of me to believe that Happiness has value in and of itself?  Am I fooling myself into believing that people find value in learning how to live a happier life if that “happier life” can’t be quantified with dollars or the accumulation of product?  Should I give up my quest to provide people tools and practices for experiencing more happiness for it’s own sake?

No.  Because you know what?  On the other side of the marketing street stand many people who are strong enough to resist the message, and who have the wisdom to say, “I know more STUFF won’t make me happy.”   Those are the people to whom I speak.

And I hope that all of you who ‘get’ this message realize how important it is that you value Happiness for its own sake.  As long as SOME of us hold steadfastly to the belief that we can control our own happiness, there is hope for the world.

So, how about if we all take a deep breath together?  Pull your shoulders back and open up your heart, breathe into your deep belly, and say, “I am enough, for now.  I have enough.  I am content.”

Give yourself permission to be happy, for a moment, with just what you have.  And notice how rich you feel!

Jim’s Dark Chocolate Peppermint Fudge

By popular demand:

Jim’s Dark Chocolate Peppermint Fudge

Making the Fudge

Put 4-5 candy canes into a plastic bag.  Bang with a hammer till in small pieces.  Set aside.

In non-stick saucepan, mix the following over low/med heat:

• 1 lb bag confectioner’s sugar
• ½ cup powdered cocoa – Hershey’s Special Dark is wonderful.  If you can’t get Hershey’s try to use dark chocolate, dutch process cocoa
• 6 Tablespoons butter (3./4 of a stick — margarine also works)
• 4 Tbl milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• ¼ tsp salt

Heat over low/medium heat, stirring constantly until JUST starts to boil.  Mixture will be dark and silky.

Remove from heat.  Pour in crushed candy canes.  Fold into mixture, and immediately pour into a buttered 9×9 inch pan.  Let cool, then refrigerate a couple hours.  Once set, can remove from fridge.

Storing the Fudge

Remove and cut into 1 X 1” squares.  It’s very rich.  Keep in sealed container.  Hide from strangers.  Maybe even hide it from yourself, as you’ll find yourself eating a piece every time you walk thru the kitchen…..

Eating the Fudge

Oh, sure, you can just pop a square of fudge in your mouth, chew and swallow.  But where’s the joy in that?!  Here are my favorite ways to enjoy it:

1. Take a single square of the fudge, and bite it in half.  Let the fudge lay on your tongue.  As it melts, press it up against the roof of your mouth and let your tongue bathe in the sugary-grainy smooth chocolatey-ness of it.  Close your eyes and breathe in the wonderful, chocolately sensuality of the fudge.  Be one with the fudge.  Ommmmm.
2. Sit down with a steaming cup of hot coffee, freshly brewed (I make mine strong, with a french press).  Sip of coffee, pop fudge into warm mouth.  As the fudge melts, sip gently on the coffee and let the coffee/chocolate combo swirl smoothly down your throat.  Do not try to speak — it will ruin the moment.
3. Try it with a short mug of Trader Joe’s Dark Sipping Chocolate.  Follow same process as with coffee, but be warned — this option is not for the weak!  You must have a strong tolerance for dark chocolate-ness.  Have a glass of ice water nearby, in case someone needs to toss on you to bring you out of your ecstasy.

Enjoy the guilty pleasure!

Change Starts With You

“If you start waiting for other people to stop being stupid, it will take too long.“
~Raskilnikov, in the play Crime and Punishment

Isn’t that just the greatest quote?  Raskilnikov utters this line near the end of the play, shortly before he breaks down and confesses his crime.

He holds a theory that some men are “extraordinary” and are thus exempt from laws (like murder) when they can show how an act of evil can be justified if, in the end, a greater good is made possible. He has a few problems, however, convincing people that his murder of an evil woman is balanced out by the prevention of her future cruelty to others.

He utters the above line as he realizes that time has run out on him — no one’s going to buy his justification…

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Imagine me sitting in a darkened theater at the moment this line is uttered, suddenly startled into looking frantically for a pen to capture the quote before I lose it.   The line perfectly captures the essence of coaching, of my work in happiness, and my belief that I am the only person who can create my world.

Look at that line again.  Now, substitute for the word “stupid” just about any human trait you find irritating, and notice how true it is:

“If you start waiting for other people to stop being IRRESPONSIBLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being MISERABLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being GREEDY, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being UNREASONABLE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being UNCOMMUNICATIVE, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being CONTROLLING, it will take too long.”
“If you start waiting for other people to stop being MEAN TO ME, it will take too long.”

See where I’m going, here?  It all comes back to you.  People are going to be who and how they are, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them from being how they are.  So if other people’s behavior galls you, you have only two choices:

1. Let it eat away at you until you become a victim, OR
2. Take responsibility for, and shift, how you react to other people.

I’m not giving anything away to remind you that, in the end, Raskilnikov turns himself in and thus finds peace within himself: he knows that by serving time for his crime, he’s doing the right thing.   He found the courage in himself to change how he responded to the world.

In a similar way you have the choice, every day, to hold onto your current beliefs, or not.  To justify your own actions and behaviors and always be RIGHT in every conversation, or to let go and let others be heard.  You have the choice to be in anger about other people’s “stupidity,” or accept that they are who they are, and move on.

Change starts with you.

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By the way, if you’ve never finished Crime and Punishment because it was just too long and too dense, know that this adaptation, written by Marilyn Campbell and Curt Columbus, does a magnificent job of reducing the story to just 90 minutes.  The play honors Dostoyevsky’s dark, brooding view of the world thru his existentialist lens, yet strips out a lot of the complications and multiple plotlines to bring the book’s primary struggle to life on the stage.

If you’re in Cleveland, note that Crime and Punishment will continue to run thru March 22 at the Drury Theater at Cleveland Playhouse.  According to a coupon in the playbill, if you mention that a FRIEND told you about it, you’ll get $10 off the ticket price.  We sat in the balcony and had a fabulous view of the stage in this intimate theatre — a real gem!

Employee Happiness Kit

<<Oh, this was too precious to pass up!  Jim>>

Memo from Management:

All employees will be required to look happy while at work.

Here is the new low cost, company approved solution
to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)

Fig 1.

Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.

Fig 2.

Apply as shown in Fig 3.

Fig 3.

Enjoy your day.
This new office equipment will help you to reach
the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

Cheers!
The Management

Eight Tips for Holiday Happiness

A recent Saturday Night Live skit revolved around a family of grown siblings gathered for Christmas Dinner.  Their interaction moved from the sharing of warm moments and singing carols to screaming tirades based on sibling “issues” from childhood.

The humor came out of human moments.  How many of us have a similar “love ‘em/can’t stand ‘em” relationship with parts of our family – one that surfaces when we are gathered for a shared meal or exchange of gifts?

The skit struck me as particularly relevant because I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and clients over the past couple weeks: adults in their mid-40’s who can’t seem to escape a relationship pattern that was established when they were teens; concerns over petty rivalries spoiling holiday gatherings; or discussing the dread they feel when they think about the holidays.

Hey, I’ve been there: I’m part of a big family.  On one side, “intimate” gatherings involve 40 people ranging in age from 1 to 73, while on the other side of the family we mix up blended families and second marriages.  Toss in a few crying babies and season with a sullen boyfriend who’s “bad for her,” and we are never at a loss for drama!

Are you one of those hoping to SURVIVE the holidays this year?  Perhaps these will help:

Eight Tips For Holiday Happiness

1.    Take a Breath, On Purpose. Breathing is the – let me repeat that, with more emphasis – THE most powerful tool you possess for helping you respond to stress-inducing situations.  When you take a breath – on purpose – deep into your body, you provide extra fuel to your brain (for quicker thinking), while you create an autonomic relaxation response in your body.  Try it right now (I’ll wait).
Ahhhhh…. Wasn’t that nice?  Now, practice that several times a day, every day, so your body knows how to do that when Uncle Harry reminds you – yet again – that your apricot roll will never be as good as Great-grandma’s <grrrr>.

2.    Step Back. When you find yourself at the edge of your nerves, take a step back.  Literally.  The physical act of pulling your body back helps your emotions also pull back from the edge.  From a calmer emotional space, you can de-escalate the situation.

3.    Keep Your Wits About You. If someone did or said that in the workplace, would you react the same way you do as when your mother does it?  If you’re like most people, you play by a more “professional” set of norms at work.  I suggest that if you bring your Work Wits to a family gathering, you’ll find it easier to respond appropriately, and then move on to the next conversation.

4.    Don’t “Play To Win.” A good conversation is about the exchange of ideas.  If you need to always Be Right – if your goal is to “win points” – you’ll be spending lots of your holiday time trying to convince others to change their “wrong” opinions.  Why?  Unless they live with you every day, who cares?  They’re your relatives, not your competitors on Survivor!

5.    Keep It Light. If you’re like many people, you will spend a good deal of time selecting an outfit to wear to each gathering.  While you’re in the closet, pull down that Smile you keep in a jar on the shelf.  And layer on a pleasant expression, while you’re at it.  If you arrive already tense and grouchy based on what happened last year, you’ll guarantee a tough time.  But show up in your best Smile, ready to laugh at cousin Ron’s (very lame) jokes, and you may just enjoy yourself!

6.    Let It Go. Yes, I know that cousin Judy really ticked you off by scheduling her wedding just two weeks before yours.  But come on – that was 13 years ago!  And are you EVER going to let go of resentment over what your little brother did to you when he was 17 and an idiot – before he got married and got responsible?  Remember that forgiveness is a very powerful emotion; it does not erase the past, but it gives you permission to not let what happened in the past drag you down in the present.  Let it go, and notice how much lighter and happier you feel.

7.    Hang Around With the Little Ones. When you arrive at a family gathering that involves kids, share some of it with them.  Chat with your teen-aged nieces and nephews and listen to their dreams.  Allow yourself to be relaxed and real with a giggly four-year old.  And while other people might engage in the drama, you’ll have a lot more fun laying on the floor and looking at the tree from underneath!

8.    It’s Not About The Gifts. Really.  It’s not.  You know that – I’m not telling you anything new.  I’m just reminding you to tap into the wisdom you already possess.  Focus on relationships and just being together.  Notice your blessings.  Maybe even convince the family to share something they are grateful for before you open all the pretty boxes.  Best Buy’s tagline is “You. Happier.” With all due respect, you can’t buy happiness in a box at an electronics store.

9.    Bonus Tip: Breathe. Yes, this is repeat of Tip #1 — it’s that powerful.  The word Inspiration (to breath in) means literally ‘to infuse with life/breath.’  When you notice something that’s about to suck away some of your happiness, inspire yourself with a gift of calm and extra oxygen.  Plus, there’s a bonus to taking a nice long breath in – you can’t talk!  And if you can’t talk, you make a better listener.  This is a pretty happy place to be!

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The 13 Principles of Happiness provide more ideas for increasing your happiness, especially relevant in a world gone mad.

Why not download and post a 1-page summary of all 13 as a reminder?  You can do so here: http://www.theexecutivehappinesscoach.com/happiness/philosophies.cfm.  Take care of you.

People hear what they see

Many movies today have such short and limited runs that most of us never hear about them, especially if they are released in the shadow of some summer or holiday blockbuster flick.  That’s sad, because so many of those ‘little’ movies are really fabulous — they are unconventional, thoughtful, creative, and often showcase some incredible acting.

I’ve learned that one of the best ways to discover obscure movies that I’ll enjoy is by noting the trailers packaged with a similar movie.  Romantic comedies tend to carry previews for other sweet comedies, intelligent movies for other smart films, etc.  So when I fall in love with a film, I write down the other titles previewed on that same DVD, then put them in my Blockbuster queue.

One such film arrived last week, and on Saturday evening Cheryl and I sat down to enjoy a movie we’d never heard of:  Beyond the Sea.  It’s a biopic about Bobby Darin, a singer/actor who was popular in the late 50’s and 60’s.  Kevin Spacey (a very talented guy!) clearly has a fixation on Bobby Darin — he wrote the script, directed the movie, and starred in it, (along with Kate Bosworth who makes a stunning Sandra Dee!)

Kevin is a decade older than Bobby Darin ever was, but in this cleverly written, part-fantasy, part-musical, part-drama, part-theatre-within-a-movie, that element matters not — Kevin plays the role as both actor and narrator.  IMO, it’s a very clever device that he pulls off beautifully.

Anyway, here’s the set up for what I thought was the best line in the movie:

Bobby rises to stardom, then disappears for awhile.  He’s totally disenchanted with the world following the 1968 assassination of Bobby Kennedy, whom he adored, so he goes into seclusion to figure out life.  He emerges to make a comeback.  He’d always been successful as a clean-shaven, suit-wearing, upbeat nightclub singer.  He comes back to the stage as a mustached, balding hippie who sings anti-war ballads.  He flops.

In the dramatic sequence that follows (as he grows progressively weaker, his heart failing as a result of rheumatic fever as a child),  he laments that audiences won’t listen to his new music.  His wife says, “Bobby, people hear what they see.“  That’s it! he exclaims.  and so he sets up a new act.

Clean-shaven, with a full head of hair and a suit, he appears on stage singing “We don’t want no war” and it’s a sensation.

People hear what they see.  When he showed up as someone else and sang something unexpected, people were turned off.  When he showed up LOOKING like what people expected, they heard him in an entirely different way.  They were able to “hear” the unfamiliar thru the lens of what they already knew.

On multiple levels, this concept so appeals to me.  This explains how to shift our own behavior, how to change a relationship, even how to implement change in the workplace.  When we put something new out there in the guise of something old, we allow our brains to absorb the “different” thru the lens of familiarity.  Change feels less disruptive when we can still anchor to something we’ve seen before.

So if you’ve been living in a mood of sadness, anxiety, or fear, for instance, the most comfortable route to happiness might be THROUGH — rather than away from — that other emotion!

Till next time…

We Gotta Make Our Own Happiness

I got up this morning feeling very unsettled. My week has been busy. I was a bit short on sleep and when my alarm went off all I could feel was bone-tiredness. So I turned off my alarm and skipped my workout (this is a big deal for me — I live in the assessment that I MUST exercise six days a week…).

Even with the catchup sleep, however, I still felt ‘on edge’ once I got up and functioning. I went in to my office to start work, and could not focus or sit still. I kept wandering around inside and outside the house, and eventually found myself out on my deck.

It took a while for me to realize that I’d been standing there — just standing in place — for a couple of minutes, just listening to the wind chimes.

That’s when I noticed that, for the first time in several hours, I felt calm. So, I sat down in a spot of sun on my deck and let go of needing to do anything else.

I sat there for… Oh, I don’t know; maybe ten minutes?

For ten minutes I sat in just that moment. I savored the symphony of wind chimes. I felt the cool breeze on my body. I drifted with the songs of chirping crickets as they waxed and waned. I reveled in the brilliant blue sky, cloudless and crystal clear. I watched two squirrels chasing each other up and down a fence and across the neighbor’s yard. I wondered at the beauty of the shasta daisies, crisply white and yellow against a sea of green, as they bobbed and swayed in the breeze (I even took this picture!)

And I breathed. Just breathed it all in. I sat in the middle of an absolutely spectacular moment on a perfect late summer day and… and nothing. I just sat and enjoyed being fully present.

My tank felt fully recharged after that.

Confession: I experienced a moment of guilt as I gathered my thoughts and came inside to my office. I’ve got so much to do, so many things on my desk. What was I doing?

I wasn’t Doing. I was Being. We gotta make our own happiness. This was one of my moments.