What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Filed under: About Happiness, Coaching, Happiness, Practicing Happiness, Relationships
One of my clients has been blogging her way through the coaching experience. After years of holding all her thoughts inside, she’s discovered that writing helps her reveal herself to herself. Recently, we revisted an old topic — ♥ self love.♥
This client (who goes by the anonymous title of Spudsie, a childhood nickname) is an animated writer, so if you go to read this entry, hang on for a wild ride. She’s also “into” references to Winnie-the-Pooh characters. She’s been channeling Eeyore for years, and she wants to experience more of Tigger.
Take a look at her blog post, here
I mention this because the subject of self-love comes up often in the Happiness conversation. Spudsie’s struggle is similar to what I see many people go thru, and I really admire her courage in posting her progress on the web. I’m also impressed with the support she gets from her internet friends across the country. Her struggles mirror the struggles that other people have, and so she’s created a sort of learning-together community.
♥ ♥ What’s Love Got to Do With Happiness? ♥ ♥
Two weeks ago I heard a series of great motivations talks where the message of self-responsibility was a constant theme. I attended sessions with a professional speaker from Australia who lived in the UK, a Maori warrior who talks on leadership, a life coach from Vancouver, BC, a Malay gentleman who runs a global school for professional speakers, and an Irish expat who lives in Singapore.
My learning: no matter where you’re from or where on the globe you live, one of the most powerful ways to change your world is to change how you behave, and let the rest of you grow into it.
So the message I brought back into my conversations is this: If you want the rest of the world to like you/love you/treat you better, guess what? — you have to love yourself, first. And if you start behaving like you do, after a while you’ll find that ♥ Loving You ♥ starts to feel more and more natural. Eventually, if you practice self-love enough, your old habits of putting yourself down will hold less power over you, and self confidence will show up more often.
And in that space, you’ll find more Happiness.
So, how might you love yourself more? What practice(s) could help you feel more loved, loving, and lovable? (e.g. a simple start might be looking at your own reflection in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are…”). What physical postures/practices/language would model the way you want to grow into? Identify a few of those, and start practicing.
As your ♥ self-love ♥ muscles grow stronger, be prepared for your world to start shifting.
In ♥ love ♥ and happiness, Coach Jim
Are You as Happy as You Want to be?
Are you are as happy as you want to be? Have you “succeeded” yet still find happiness elusive? Do you sometimes feel “stuck” in your career or your life, without a clear path to what’s next for you?
If those questions caused you to pause for a moment, I invite you to read on.
What is Happiness, and Why Should You Care?
I define happiness as wanting what you have. Happiness, then, is an inner state; the quality of being joyous, glad, or contented.
Who cares? Well, studies in the field of Positive Psychology look at the cause-and-effect cycle of “positive emotions,” e.g. gratitude, joy, hope, contentment, optimism, love, and, of course, happiness. Those studies show that that people who experience more positive emotion in their lives are:
- More RESILIENT. They hold up to stress better, and recover from negative or traumatic situations more quickly.
- More CREATIVE. They typically see more options available to them and are more comfortable trying new ideas and experiences.
- HEALTHIER. Happier people get sick less often, and when they do they bounce back more quickly.
The good news: anyone can learn to experience more positive emotions in their life by engaging in a variety of skill-building exercises.
You see, our emotions function like our muscles. When we work out regularly, our muscles grow larger and stronger; if the emotions we most often exercise are worry, anxiety, and fear, those moods dominate our lives. Our positive emotional “muscles” need to be worked out to help them grow stronger. The more often we seek out and experience positive emotions (happiness), the greater our capacity to deal with the future.
For example, keeping a gratitude journal helps strengthen your awareness of the blessings in your life. Other “exercises” for your emotional self can include:
- Learning how to breathe differently, e.g. deeper vs shallow breathing supports a different set of emotional responses
- Shifting how and where you carry energy in your body (calm energy resides in a different place than the energy of purpose, action, pain, anxiety, creativity, and so on)
- Noticing the reactions you have to various people or conversation topics (e.g. that coworker who always “pushes your buttons”) and gradually introducing a new response on both physical and emotional levels
- Changing the language you use in conversation. Simple changes in the words you use can yield amazing changes in how you feel and the quality of your interactions
As a coach, I work with people who want to show up differently in the world. The above are some of the tools I use with my clients to make the changes they seek.
Where’s this article coming from, you might ask… Well, I had a conversation yesterday with someone who appeared to get irritated with me, and said, “why would I need a coach to help me do all that? I can do it myself!”
My response: “If you can do it yourself, then why are we having this conversation?”
You see, knowing is not the same as doing. We benefit from having people outside of our world to help us understand who we are and how we are really showing up in that world. That’s why I have several coaches. That’s why Oprah Winfrey has a coach. And Tiger Woods.
A personal coach is a resource to help you achieve more in the world than even you believe possible. In a world gone CrazyBusy, I know I can use all the help I can get!
How about you?
Jim Smith, PCC, is a personal and executive coach. He works with clients who want to change how they show up in the world — because they “have it all” but still aren’t happy.
Life is good. Huh?
So, the buckle on my good leather briefcase broke, and while it’s getting fixed I’ve been using another smaller case I purchased from a Life Is Good store in the Chicago Midway airport. It’s actually an over-the-shoulder messenger bag, so when I’m walking around with it the bag hangs behind me.
I’ve been having lots of people say to me, “life’s good, eh?” or “so, life’s good for you?” in the past ten days, and I was feeling pleased that people are relating to my “happiness guy” theme. Then yesterday I was waiting in line for coffee when a gentleman behind me caught my eye and snarled, “what’s good about it?”
Huh? What are you talking about?
Turns out that the “life is good(r)” logo is embroidered nice and big on the three-inch wide strap that hangs down my back when I’m wearing the bag. Here I thought it was my personal, happy presence that was provoking all the comments.
Nope. It’s just the bag.
And funny thing — that same bag that caused most people to smile at me also caused that surly gentleman to snarl. Who am I, indeed, to be happy?! How dare I? I’m ruining his perfectly good funk, and before his morning caffeine!
Some people got a lot of nerve. Yep!
How Dare You Put Yourself First?!
It’s the end of a coaching conversation, and my client confesses, “I notice this whole conversation has been about me. Usually I’m working on everybody else and what they need. I like it… but I’m really uncomfortable.”
She’s in her mid-40’s and in all that time it’s never been about her. What she hears in her head is, “How dare you put yourself first?!”
That’s the conversation so many people have been trained to have with themselves over and again. The world’s told them over and over, “if you take care of you, you’re being selfish, and selfish is bad.”
Who are you to be happy? Hey, you’re a vibrant, alive human being. You deserve it just as much as anyone and everyone else.
And you’re the only one who doesn’t yet ‘get’ that!
Who am I to be happy?
Truly, have you ever asked yourself that question?
This modest blog will seek to provide answers to that question, several times each week. I’m a Professional Certified Coach with a grounding in positive psychology, emotional competency, and working with the body. I believe that what happens for us in our life comes from a combination of what we think, how we manage our emotions, and how we hold ourselves in the world.
Have you ever heard the concept: “my thoughts create my feelings, and my feelings create me behavior, and my behavior determines by outcomes?” Well, I hold it to be true. Something happens, and I interpret that event (maybe tell myself a story about it). The event is just neutral… but my story puts all sorts of meaning to what happened (ooh, he was out to embarrass me. She did that on purpose. I knew it, they’re all out to get me. I doesn’t matter what I do, I’m always screwing up.)
My “story” gets me all emotional, and from that emotional space, I take action. Not always the best action, but hey, emotions aren’t rational!
What I do is teach people practices that can help them INTENTIONALLY shift their response to stories and emotions, so that they get the results they WANT instead of the results that don’t work for them.
Stay tuned. This is just my introduction!
In happiness, Jim Smith, The Executive Happiness Coach®
